Bite me. I'm delicious.

I just returned from a trip to Duane Reade and now I have to vent.

I was in the shampoo aisle along with two 20-somethings who were talking trash about a woman they work with. I wasn’t paying much attention at first because it was just random bitchy chattering. But then they started in on the woman’s size. That’s when I started listening.

As you can imagine, they were saying unkind things. Things like, “I have, like, never seen her eat a salad.” And, “Did you see how much of the couch she took up during that meeting?”

I was sorely tempted to give each of these little bitches a full body check into the shelving. And I can assure you that if I had, I would have caused them some serious injuries.

You see, dear readers, I am not a small person. In fact, I’ll be brutally honest: right now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m not thrilled about it, but that’s where I am at the moment. I’m very Weeble shaped, actually. And I’ve been on the receiving end of many snide remarks and judgmental once-overs. It sucks. At times I’ve just wanted to evaporate. A lot of times I’ve started to cry. Mostly I’ve just gotten angry.

I’m not someone who is easily shocked, but I’m frequently stunned by how fat people are treated. And it’s getting worse. The vile, mean-spirited comments, the bullying, the narcissistic mothers who shriek loudly and publicly when their daughters gain weight—as if that’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to them (well, maybe it is the worst thing these days). As a society we’re only one tiny step away from Lord of the Flies.

I don’t expect that this attitude will change anytime soon. So until I lose enough weight that people don’t automatically see me as target practice, all I can do is roll with the punches. Which is why I’d like to come up with some good responses for the next time someone gives me a dirty look or snipes at me—and people being what they are, I’m quite certain there will be a next time. I could say something like, “I can lose weight but you’ll always be an ugly shrew,” but that feels a little stale to me. The same goes for “Fuck you” and “Oh yeah??” It’s got to be something more original.

Maybe something like, “That’s not how your boyfriend looked at me when he was working me over last night (wink).”

Or maybe a Spinal Tap reference, “The bigger the cushion…”

Or, “They say fat adds flavor so I must be delicious. Bite me!”

Any other suggestions?

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