FDA Announces Approval of NO-DUH (imbecillin) Aerosol Spray

Madame Weebles —  May 4, 2012 — 25 Comments

Pharmaceutical companies continually seek to develop new, more effective treatments for diseases of all kinds. But there is an enormous unmet need for the treatment of stupidity, one of the major pandemics of our time. Millions of people worldwide live with this devastating disorder; it affects the patients themselves, but more tragically, it causes untold pain and suffering among those exposed to second-hand stupidity.

I’ve seen many too innocent souls fall victim to this terrible plague. You don’t read about them in the papers and they don’t get coverage on CNN. But they’re out there. You’ve seen them. The guy with the thousand-yard stare waiting on line at the supermarket while the customer at the register argues about expired coupons. Your twitchy co-worker at a meeting, listening to someone ask a question that was answered not five minutes earlier. The poor bastard on the phone with customer service. So much needless agony.

But now, finally, there’s hope.

Today the FDA announced the approval of an exciting first-in-class medication that may improve the quality of life for patients, their families, neighbors, and co-workers. NO-DUH, which goes by the generic name imbecillin, is indicated for the temporary relief of the major symptoms of stupidity, including:

  • Inability to comprehend simple instructions and directions
  • Inability to navigate stairways, escalators, elevators, sidewalks, subway stations, airports, supermarket aisles, ATM lines, and other public areas without blocking traffic and causing maddening delays
  • Lack of even the most basic common sense
  • General incompetence
  • Drooling

In the pivotal trial TWITS (Targeting Widespread Idiocy and Total Stupidity), imbecillin was evaluated in 2,030 patients recruited from a wide range of venues, including slow lanes, highway bottlenecks, redneck bars, and John Mayer concerts. The drug was found to be superior in reducing the symptoms of stupidity vs yelling, “What the fuck is wrong with you???”

A second clinical trial, KILLME (Keep Idiot Losers Locked Away From ME), was conducted to assess the effect of imbecillin on the quality of life of those exposed to stupidity on a daily basis. Investigators discovered that imbecillin reduced the amount of eye rolling, loud sighing, teeth gnashing, obscene gestures, and honking vs placebo or vodka.

NO-DUH comes in an aerosol mist formulation that can be inhaled by the patient or administered to patients as a topical spray by caregivers or bystanders.

A spokesman for MentalTech Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturers of NO-DUH, reported that pre-approval orders for the product numbered well into the millions. The forecast for Q2 earnings for MentalTech is anticipated to be in the trillions of dollars.

25 responses to FDA Announces Approval of NO-DUH (imbecillin) Aerosol Spray

  1. 

    Hopefully NO-DUH will end the crisis mankind has created by bypassing Nature’s law of ‘Survival of the Fittest’. Unfortunately, the ones who most need it won’t know they need it!

  2. 

    I’m in. Send me a large can. I loved the line “administered to patients … by caregivers or bystanders.”

    Is there any chance I could administer it over the phone?

    Cheers!

    • 

      We’ll have to find out whether there can be some sort of audio/tonal formulation that can be developed, because I think the idea of administering over the phone is genius.

  3. 

    I’m afraid the second-hand effects may have taken a terminal toll on me. I’m going to ask my doctor for a prescription for Fukitoll.

    It’s the only hope I have left.

  4. 

    Ooh, ooh, please send me a case! Or maybe two. Ah, hell, never mind, just send me a couple of 45-gallon drums and I’ll pour them into the city water reservoir.

  5. 

    This is funny! It reminds me of the satirical writings in Mad Magazine.

  6. 

    This needs to be Freshly Pressed! Brilliant!

  7. 

    Loved this but think that a crop dusting of No Duh may be a necessary evil to ensure mass populace coverage!

  8. 

    Imbecillin – brilliant! (Well, as long as idiots stay away from it) ;)

  9. 

    I hurt myself from laughing at this!

  10. 

    That was awesome!! Sign me up for a lifetime supply for all of the twenty-somethings we have to hire every summer. It’s insufferable having to deal with some of these twits!!

    • 

      That’s got to be a drag, finding 20-somethings who have any sort of brains to hire! Yeah, we need industrial-size bottles of that stuff and just pump it through the ventilation system!

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