I committed murder this weekend

Madame Weebles —  June 5, 2012 — 45 Comments

And it wasn’t the first time, either. I’ve done it before. And I know in my heart that I’ll do it again. It’s taken me a few days to come to grips with it—as it always does—but now I’m ready to admit my heinous crimes. Because admitting that you have a problem is the first step.

Mr. Weebles is aware of my crimes. He doesn’t condone them. But he knows he is powerless to stop me. He knows I will kill again and again. And again.

I don’t do it on purpose. I’m not proud of my actions. I have no hatred for my victims. It just . . . happens. I can’t help myself. I try to take precautions so that I don’t cause any harm, but sometimes I forget myself and before I know it, there’s another one. Dead. I’ve lost count at this point, but I would estimate that I’ve killed anywhere between 50 and 100 innocents.

My friends, what you are about to see isn’t pretty. In fact, it’s gruesome and grotesque. I would advise those of you with small children to make sure the little ones are as far away from your monitor as possible before you view these so you don’t scar them for life. You shouldn’t view these while you’re at work either in case your company’s IT department monitors this type of thing.

If you have a sensitive nature, please be warned. These are the kinds of images that will stay with you forever. They’ll haunt you to your core. You cannot unsee them once they have been seen. They will be permanently etched on your retinas. I cannot emphasize this enough. Do you have any Valium or Xanax? You might want to take some now and wait until it kicks in. Or have a stiff drink to numb your senses to what you are about to see. Even I still get sickened, and I’m the murderer. I’ve seen it all first hand. I’ve stared at the corpses and cleaned them up. I never get used to the carnage. And yet I continue to commit these terrible acts.

I’m so sorry, little tissues. I didn’t mean to wash you. I just keep forgetting that I have you in my pockets and then I forget to check my pockets before I do the laundry. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this, all shredded and brittle. Sometimes I have to look away for a moment. I cry when I pick your little remains off my clothing. You were so kind, and soft, and you didn’t deserve this fate. I will mourn each and every one of you until the day I die.

45 responses to I committed murder this weekend

  1. 
    Fish Out of Water June 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I’m sure they had it coming.

  2. 

    Perhaps they’re suicidal?

  3. 

    My now adult children were almost strangled by me many times. God, what they put me through. I changed their names to Suspect #1 and Suspect # 2.

  4. 

    Well, that wa snot what I expected. I thought most tissue got blown away. sorry, couldn’t resist.

    Actually, I’d be likely to murder the person who left the thing in their pockets. Grrrrrrrr. I hate picking the lint off clothes.

    Cheers

  5. 

    It’s a good thing you use a pseudonym, Weebles. I would totally turn your ass in. And the rest of you, too.

  6. 

    Oh, the humanity! I can’t look! I can’t… * takes moment to compose self*

    …eh, whatever.

    Wait, could you tell I was faking it?

  7. 

    You know I’ll have to report you, right?

  8. 

    Ohh, the tissues. I thought you were going to fess up about your plant killing spree.

  9. 

    I was about to call the police.

  10. 
    AgrippingLife June 5, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    First it’s Kleenex, next it will be paper towel, and then you’ll be killing innocent poster board and construction paper. When and how does it end? Will it not stop until you’ve taken down some innocent trees? I urge you, get some help Madame, before it’s too late!!!

    • 

      I know, Grippy, You’re right. I probably should get some professional help. Who knows where this might escalate. I’ve never killed a paper towel but it’s only Tuesdsay.

  11. 

    What a horrid way to die…. . and dare I say this post is almost Boastful!! You are just taunting the local detective unit… i won’t be surprised if in a year or two I will be watching a documentary about Madame Weebles on the Crime Investigation channel!!

  12. 

    Hilarious! I smiled all the way through — but — initially after reading the title, I’m thinking, and this isn’t nice — I hope it was somebody good!

  13. 

    One of the times when this happened to me at my laundromat as I was seething at myself and picking soggy tissue off my load I thought, “What next?” Then, I opened the lint trap and saw a $20 bill. At that moment I felt like I had won the Power Ball lottery.

  14. 

    Were you found posting this at an Internet cafe in Germany?

  15. 

    Dear Madame,

    I too am a cold blooded killer. I’m constantly tossing unmatched socks. If it comes out of the dryer without a mate it’s gone. No trial, no jury, no second chance. And I’m not ashamed.

    xoxo
    GG

  16. 

    i think the little boogers were asking for it…

  17. 

    You are truly demented. You make me proud!

  18. 

    The question would be… did you kill them softly, at what speed, and did you re-cycle? The facts ma’am, just the facts…

    • 

      Well, sometimes it was on the gentle cycle, so I feel a little better about that. But sometimes I had it on pre-soak AND heavy-duty wash. And I didn’t recycle. I’m a hardened criminal, I know.

  19. 

    I bet if you asked the tissue which cruel fate it would rather suffer, it would choose death by washing machine over being covered in snot…. or in the case of teenage boys, other (ahem) bodily fluids.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Somebody’s looking for me | Fear No Weebles - June 9, 2012

    [...] I’m wondering if one of you blabbed to the authorities about my tissue killings (yeah, I’m looking at you, Summer Solstice Girl). Or maybe Interpol is still trying to find [...]

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