Well, that sucked

Madame Weebles —  June 8, 2012 — 72 Comments

Ever have one of those experiences where you’ve just thought of a line so unbelievably clever and pithy that you can hardly wait get to the words out of your mouth? The kind of line that you just know will be one for the ages? Or at least for the next 5 minutes?

I came up with a line like that many years ago. It sounded fantastic in my head. Epic. But when I delivered it, it went over like the proverbial lead balloon.

It happened at work. A bunch of us were shooting the breeze. We were discussing a female coworker who was dating a few different guys, all of whom were handsome and successful and nice and funny. I was single at the time and more than a little envious of her bevy of beaus. She had a bunch of suitors and I had none?!?! Pffffft. I said something snarky, I don’t remember what. One of the guys started ribbing me. “What, are you bitter??” And I said—wait for it……

“No, I’m not bitter, I’m just a little tart!”

Now, again, in my head, this was a line so magnificent that it could have been written by the love child of Noel Coward, Dorothy Parker, and Mae West. But out loud, not so much. I got nothing. Crickets. Bupkes. They just looked at me.

And what did I do? I made it worse by trying to explain it. “You know, because tart is kind of like bitter but it can also mean a woman who’s . . . “

I just trailed off after that because I knew I had lost them. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before suddenly remembering that I had to be elsewhere immediately.

But I like to think my line would have been a big hit at the Algonquin Round Table.

72 responses to Well, that sucked

  1. 
    AgrippingLife June 8, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Had I been there… I would have been laughing and likely snorting because I sometimes do that. Don’t kid yourself, it was nothing short of brilliant.

  2. 

    I like tart. Tart, bold, a bit brazen with just the right amount of bitchy thrown in to make it interesting. This is the definition of a good woman. I’m always way better at those lines after those things happen — they come to me when I’m alone and replaying the conversation in my head. I’m brilliant at one-liners then.

    • 

      Ordinarily that’s how it is with me too, B—I think of great zingers 20 minutes later. This was one of those rare times that I had it just at the right time, but with the wrong audience!

  3. 

    I for one think it is brilliant. You little tart you!

  4. 

    It’s a great retort! Goes to show everyone we work with is a moron.

  5. 

    Ha! I think you need to mix with a better breed of co-workers because, honestly, that was good.

    Now, if you’d been in England it would have been less good. You’d just have announced that you’re a girl who tends to sleep with anyone … which is a comment that should go down like yours with your co-workers! Or perhaps you could have used it against your friend with the “bevy of beaus”.

    Yours, hoping there were no brits in your office,

    Nigel

    • 

      Ha! I learned that difference about the meaning of the word “tart” when I lived in London and an English friend of mine was complaining that his girlfriend was wearing an outfit that “made her look like a tart.” So that’s how I figured out that being a tart over there wasn’t quite a good thing…

  6. 

    They, at the Algonquin, would have been enthralled. As well they should have been

  7. 

    I would have laughed. But my favorite part of this post is your tag…Idiots! :)
    You win some, you lose some…oh well.

    Cathy

  8. 

    Okay you little sweet tart, I think you need a more clever band of coworkers.
    And rest-assured that your *followers* got the joke. We’re Smarties. ;-)
    (Get it? Smarties are candy, but also esoteric followers….)

    • 

      Awww, and you’re a sweet Smartie! I like that, Smarties. Especially because I also love both kinds of candy Smarties–the sugary ones and the candy-coated chocolate ones that you can only get in Britain and the Commonwealth countries.

      And now I’m hungry.

  9. 

    Now I can’t be laughing at your posts like this at work Mme. Weebles! OMG this was hilarious! Dorothy Parker I’m sure would have gotten it immediately!

  10. 

    Clearly clueless – your co-workers. Obtuse, unimaginative, dullards…oh wait, perhaps that’s me.

  11. 

    oh heck, now I’m worrying that my self-effacing comment will sound like I was dissing you! Not intended!!!!

  12. 

    I had two great lines for bumper strips and campaign buttons in 1972. Vote for Nixon and Vote for McGovern. There were copyright issues and I did not get paid a dime from either side. Talk about theft of intellectual property…..

  13. 

    Ha! Never mind those uptight fools! I laughed my ass off. Basically as long as you didn’t get fired, it’s still pretty damn funny!

  14. 

    Fabulous line! Clearly they were morons.

    My greatest joy in working from home is that I get to choose my “co-workers” – witty folks like you. :-)

  15. 

    Magnificent, magnificent, magnificent!

  16. 

    Flaming globes of Sigmund!

  17. 

    I’m still chuckling! ;)

  18. 

    [applauding loudly] BRAVO! and i will swipe this one, as i am often reeking of bitterness in the office these days, and leave many colleagues vexed by my “dating aggressively” relationship status…

    my moment of crickets: http://daisyfae.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/like-a-fish-needs-a-what/

    • 

      By all means, swipe it and use as needed. Also, I would have either laughed at your ponies-riding-bicycles comment, or I would have been thinking of a comment along those lines!

      Coworkers are a tough and stupid crowd.

  19. 

    Your co-workers certainly need to think of you as wine. Robust in flavour and not at all bitter. Nothing harsh or disagreeable in a sip of you. Your bouquets seem to dance on the tongue with a sharp and acidic bite, that mellows to a clean crisp mouth feel. Oh I would certainly drink you with a fine meal on a warm summer evening.

  20. 

    What a clever and pithy reply initially lost on a bevy of boneheads! Good thing you remembered it all these years for your Weeblemaniacs.

  21. 

    Um, perhaps I have a weird sense of humor (humour for Meizac) (OK I do have a strange sense of what is funny) but I think that is THE.BEST.LINE.EVER. I would have laughed had you said that in my presence.

  22. 

    I’m sorry your wit was lost on a bunch of fools. I admit I might have thought for a moment and then groaned a little at the pun, but that is a great line. A hundred years from now, people will be quoting that line in your honor.

  23. 

    Clearly, you are too witty for that workplace. Time to get a new job!

  24. 

    Oh. My. God. Can I use that? That is an incredible line! I just laughed out loud like a loon and my window’s open so I probably startled my neighbors. That must have not been a very sharp workplace, I got it immediately!

  25. 

    I would have laughed.
    Or snorted.
    One of those.
    Because I’m elegant like that. :)

  26. 

    Hi, I can almost hear the crickets! :-)

  27. 

    Are you kidding? “I’m a little tart” is freaking AWESOME!

  28. 

    I’d have snorted whatever fluid I was drinking out my nose, so, well said, Madame W.

  29. 

    Actually… that was pretty damn good. Your audience were dullards!

  30. 

    OK, that one made me snort.

    And, I suspect it would’ve made good ol’ Dot Parker order another Scotch to help drown her jealousy.

  31. 

    Ya, that line didn’t go over well at my work either…

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Here’s your diploma ‘cuz you’ve been SCHOOLED | Fear No Weebles - February 25, 2013

    [...] of you may recall this post, in which I talked about coming up with a great, pithy line but the troglodytes at my workplace [...]

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