Bless me, bloggers, for I have sinned…

Madame Weebles —  July 13, 2012 — 148 Comments

My friends, it’s time for a deep, dark confession.

Many of you, here and on other blogs, have remarked on my kindness.  And I appreciate that very much.

I’ve looked at some of my recent posts to see how I might come across to someone reading them.  I suppose I do seem kind of kind.  And I am.  Sometimes.

But then there’s this post.  As well as this post.  And this one and this one.  Also this.

You see, dear readers, I’m really not all that nice.  I am not a people person.  I get ticked off extremely easily.  I’m one of the most impatient people I’ve ever met.  I have a temper that goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds.  I get road rage as a pedestrian.  So I think I’ve done the world a great service by choosing not to have a driver’s license.

The message on my cross-stitch pattern is not strictly tongue-in-cheek.

I have no qualms about ripping someone a new one.  There are few things more satisfying to me than taking an arrogant asshat down a few pegs or dressing down an incompetent co-worker.  I enjoy it a lot more than I should.

And then there are my interactions with tourists.  I’ve given plenty of them something to tell their friends back in East Buttfuck:  “Hey, I was cursed out by a New Yorker on the E train!”  If you congregate in front of an escalator or subway door, or if you walk aimlessly while staring at your giant maps, I’m going to make sure you get the hell out of my way.  I’ll start by being polite, but after that all bets are off.

Just the other day someone told me it’s not healthy to be so type A and that I should really slow down and chill out.  But that’s the thing—slowing down and chilling out is what annoys me.  I don’t want to slow down.  I want everything else to speed up.  I feel most Zen when I can go at the speed I want.  Richard Belzer did a great stand-up bit many, many years ago, about how someone said he talked too fast—to which Belzer replied, “No, Sparky, you just listen too slow.”  I understand this completely.

But I digress.

I wanted to share all of this with you because I actually like you guys and want you to know more about who you’re reading here.  So yeah. I’m not Mary Sunshine.  Unless Mary Sunshine is a bitchy 40-something who can be recreationally confrontational and gives basilisk stares to people who piss her off.

Now who wants cookies?

148 responses to Bless me, bloggers, for I have sinned…

  1. 

    Oh my goodness. I finally found my ex-wife online :)
    Except you make me laugh much more often – so that can’t be correct :)

    • 

      Did she bake cookies? Because I bake cookies.

      • 

        Actually she does. Now I am scared. She makes oatmeal cookies and shortbread cookies. She makes chewy tasty cookies. Crisp crunchy cookies. Chocolaty delights and vanilla dreams. I think I miss her cookies. That is probably what drew us together – her fabulous cookie skills – and my expertise in eating her cookies. She smiling as I savored her offerings – her delight in showing were I had missed a crumb. But in the last few years the cookies trailed off. Fewer and far between. Plain cookies fast and easy to make. Low-calorie cookies that lacked the sweetness my tongue desired. Since I wasn’t getting what I wanted – I started baking my own cookies. And that was the end. A sad tale really.

      • 

        I don’t do shortbread cookies so I guess I’m not your ex. And even though this was a non-poem comment, your words here are so poetic, Merlin.

  2. 

    I’ve found my soul mate!

  3. 

    I resemble these remarks SO VERY MUCH. I guess with my blogs, I get to show the best parts of me. I am Type A as well and I don’t care what you say, however you may rant and rave about the above-described people (trust me, I have reacted the same way), that kind you still comes through. So there.

  4. 

    I knew I liked you!!! We are from the same tribe, cut from the same cloth, two peas in a pod… I’m sensitive, kind and warm but there’s definitely a line, it’s way out there, and woe be to the fool who crosses it! haha!

    • 

      Your kindness definitely shows through, Grippy. But I can absolutely also see you as someone you do NOT want to piss off. Hats off to you, my friend. Now what say we go and find some nice things to decorate our pea pod?

  5. 

    Chocolate chip please. Like you, people mistake me for being nice — and sometimes nice reads: boring. You are definitely not boring and I love your wicked sense of humour, and also the fact that you do not have a licence. If I lived where there was public transporation, the last thing I would have is a licence.

  6. 

    Kind hearts don’t require mealy-mouths, eh? Perhaps if the compliment were qualified with fiercely kind? Wickedly kind?

    Wait a minute; I smell a trap! There isn’t sphinx that’s going to jump out and eat me if I don’t answer the riddle correctly, is there? -Nikki

  7. 

    Mine wears a tiny cowboy hat.

  8. 

    Oh, dearie my, Ms. Weebles, this attitude of yours is the very reason I follow your blog. Cranky is a good read!

  9. 

    Your crankiness is part of your charm and what makes us love you more.
    Crank on Madame Weebles

  10. 

    i agree with the above comments – keep those basilisk stares up

  11. 

    I want a cookie, too. I want 10 cookies, because that’s the kind of person *I* am, so long as we’re handing out confessions.
    Surely, pedestrian road rage has *got* to be something to see… Maybe I’ll come be an annoying tourist in your town for a while – just to experience it.

  12. 

    Mary Sunshine,

    You had me at bitches, cookies, idiots, murder. I understand that I saw that part at the end and “had me at” doesn’t really apply here, but I just like the flow. It’s a good motto for today. You crack me up and I like you, too. ♥

  13. 

    I get road rage as a pedestrian – that cracked me up! (and love the cross-stitch) Go at the speed you want!

  14. 

    People are going based on your comments as well as your blog. And your comments are always both clever and kind. I’m always excited when I see your sniper avatar (regardless of where I see it).

    And New Yorkers are supposed to be cranky sometimes. It’s a survival mechanism! :)

  15. 

    I would very much like some cookies. Vegan ones. Thanks.

  16. 

    I have a candy cane shiv you can borrow anytime you want.

  17. 
    Fish Out of Water July 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    It only adds to your charm Weebs!

  18. 

    Say three Hail Mary’s and two Our Father”s and your sins will be forgiven.

  19. 

    I’m a methodical, slow, deliberate type of guy, and I’m not going to apologize for that, but what I am going to do is throw away all my Rand McNallies and download Google Maps. If I wear an orange shirt and take my cat with me, will that detour the wrath at least a little bit?

    • 

      Absolutely nothing wrong with methodical, slow and deliberate, Brother Jon. What irks me is the purposeless, slow, and witless. You are not in that category at all. So you, your maps, and Mini and your orange shirt have carte blanche in my book.

      • 

        Well thank you Madame Weebles. I think I know what you’re talking about. Those kind of people that go to Wal-Mart (Sorry, that’s the “big time” around here) and stop in the middle of the isles to chat with a long lost friend. Do they move over for other people to pass? No Ma’am. These are the type of people that drive even me crazy.

        • 

          Those are EXACTLY the type of people who drive me bonkers, Brother Jon. Exactly. Yes. This. Picture the people from Wal-Mart when they’re on vacation. They’re the ones I have issues with.

  20. 

    Dear Perfect Weebles,
    I am all too familiar with the confessional, like the one you featured.
    Patience has nothing to do with goodness.
    You don’t fool me Weebles.
    I can see your Shine from a mile away:))

    Lisa
    xoxoxo

  21. 

    I guess it’s good then that I read you in the safety of my own home…

  22. 

    You and I should go hang out in Central Park or mid-town one summer Sunday and just crash through crowds of gawking tourists.
    Great stress relief.

  23. 

    Funniest post ever! i think I’ll print it out and hang it in my cube. I would like to hire you as a consultant to come to my office and take all the arrogant incompetent asshats down a few pegs…one a day would take about 3 months, but they have to cry when your done. Thanks for making my day!

  24. 

    I am generally fine with tourists though whenever I offer directions, they fearfully reject me, clutching their cheap maps to their chest lest I find out where they are going – but flock to me with their expensive cameras to take their pictures.
    During the winter holiday season, well that is a different story. All bets are off.

  25. 

    ‘Suffer not the fools gladly’… (I think that’s in the bible somewhere)

  26. 

    When I was in high school I wore a lot of fedoras. It was the 80s. One of my favorites was a purple one with a black band. It was magnificent (your royalty payment is in the mail).

  27. 

    That is the safe thing for us reading it on a blog rather than running into you whilst trying to navigate the tourist area!

  28. 

    We can be impatient in some instances and kind in others. I’ll say one thing, though. I’m glad I don’t live in New York. I’m slow; I can’t help it. It was hard enough when I was there for two days, lol.

  29. 

    Yeah, that’s pretty much how I remember New York. Me, I’m nice to tourists. Why, the other day, I even gave directions (correct) to a French tourist. I’m growing up.

    But as to whether someone is nice or not–remember, that’s a very subjective term. I honestly think the biggest thing is how you feel about yourself. Your protestations aside, I suspect in your heart of hearts you see yourself as a kind person, because that’s how you come across. But what do I know? Lots, really–but I don’t want to sound arrogant.

    • 

      Wow, correct directions to a tourist? I salute you, sir!

      True, nice is subjective. I just don’t like the connotations that “kind” and “nice” tend to have. So namby-pamby. So Pollyanna. Yucky!!

  30. 

    ‘Road rage as a pedestrian’ — this will have me tittering all day. I’ve seen that homey cross-stitch pattern on one of your other posts — hilarious!!! I appreciate that at least you can see your bad side. I never thought being a bitch was an attribute so I tend to ignore that side — the bad part is that when I am one, I don’t see it. I have a temper but I downplay it by not acknowledging it sometimes. I like the idea of being ‘evolved’ because I used to behave badly. I’m lucky I wasn’t killed — I’m embarassed about things that I’ve said and done. People feel being bitchy is empowering. Maybe at times, but it causes bad energy that can be used against you. I think you can influence people more positively. It’s all educational. Reading this piece, which is indeed funny, also helps.

    • 

      You raise a good point, Sandee. There’s a difference between being a bitch and being bitchy. I know a lot of women who are just bitches, for reasons unknown to me. It’s not empowering. Neither is being bitchy just for show or because you think that’s what being strong is. I’m not always proud of my bitchy moments, but they’ve often served me well.

  31. 

    I’m Type B, but you know what? It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a little basilisk inside of me waiting to paralyze you with a glance. It just means that it takes longer to rear its hideous and irrational head. I really like hanging out with less sleepy basilisks, though. It makes me feel sassy. I like you.

  32. 

    This must be a northeast thing. I’m in Jersey and I feel the same way. People sometimes see me as really sweet. Others see me as completely evil. I have Christian values but the mind and instincts of a devil. I never harm anyone in anyway with intentions but damn do I yell about it in my car.

    You’re aware of your two sides. Not everyone can be perfect all the time.

    • 

      I’d enjoy hearing the running commentary when you’re driving, I think I’d find that very entertaining. Meanwhile you’re right, there’s no such thing as someone who’s completely sweet or completely evil. Except Alex Trebek and Hitler. They’re pure evil.

  33. 

    So, your not the person Jerry Reed sang about on Scooby Doo?

  34. 

    Perhaps next time I visit NY we can get together to bang on cars and yell at people. Strangely, that type of behavior is not acceptable in California.

  35. 

    I think I love you :D

  36. 

    M. Weebles..
    I love you more now than ever. Type A rocks and it is a Northeastern kind of attitude. I keep my middle finger locked and loaded in my hip holster ready for action! Road Rage? My daugher learned how to talk by saying in the car “Mama is that a fucker man?” I was recently called an uptight bitch by someone…ahhh sisterhood of the Madame Weebles unite :)
    thanks for the laugh after a long day at office….let it rip baby

    • 

      “Middle finger locked and loaded” — love it!! I knew we were kindred spirits. I wish I could have heard your daughter the first time she asked you that question about the “fucker man.” Oh, and if someone calls you an uptight bitch again, call me and I’ll help you double-team them.

  37. 

    You have a picture of Lizzie Borden Weeble in your header. i hope you feel better for the confession, but as far as i’m concerned, you really didn’t need to…

    when walking, i am often quite content to stroll at a leisurely pace – on the beach, on a hiking path, or somewhere there are no people. but put a crowd in front of me? and it’s ON muthafuckah! i must pass them all! got help the poor bastard(s) trying to stay with me in an amusement park…

    • 

      I guess I forgot about the whole bloody Weeble tableau. I think I’m going to call it the Lizzie Borden Weeble Tableau from now on, thank you.

      You and I could probably do well together at an amusement park—I’m a master of bobbing and weaving to get to where I want to go.

  38. 

    Sheer Awesomeness in this blog’s truthfulness!

  39. 

    Ah, another post that has struck a chord! The subway brings out my “no more Mr. Nice Guy” side, too. On my way to work, I’m always running late, but fellow riders that are in front of me and in no hurry to get to Slow Poke-ville traveling down the stairs very do-si-do-like as I can hear my train pulling into the station bring out the bug-eyed, neck-vein popping, panting psychotic in me. When I miss my train because of them, it takes all my power of self-control to suppress my inner ninja.

    • 

      I’m pretty sure the subway could have brought out that attitude in Mr. Rogers. Everything you describe here is OH-SO-FAMILIAR to me, LA. The urge to just screech “Get the fuck outta my way!!!!” Yeah. I know it.

  40. 

    Cripes, we really are sisters from another mother! I, too, do not suffer fools gladly. I’m also one of those passive-agressive types muttering not so softly about the idiocy and ill manners of everyone around her. I’m actually starting to think that I might want to do something about all the anger I seem to be carrying around.

    Love the cross stitch sampler, btw. I’d have one that says “Bite Me” if I knew how to cross stitch.

  41. 

    I am very non confrontational myself. (How very Canadian of me) And that usually works for me because, well, I don’t like confrontation. I usually end up sputtering like a fool or I say something that my soft heart regrets and I worry they wont like me anymore. (I do B-och behind people’s backs a lot…especially at work. Keeps me from blowing and becoming the afore mentioned sputtering fool.) There are times though, that people walk all over my squishy door mat soul and I wish I could be more like you Ms Weebles. For now I will have to settle for being you in the privacy of my car. In my car, I am the queen of verbal put downs. My enemies wither at my scathing remarks-when I am alone in my car. Other people on the road steer away from me because they fear the nut screaming at herself while in control of a ten ton bullet!

    • 

      I understand completely, Wanda. Confrontation isn’t an easy thing to do. I try to pick my battles and save them for the people who piss me off so much that I need to get all up in their business. That’s when it’s really satisfying—to the point where I want to smoke a cigarette afterwards. But I’d enjoy hearing your running commentary while you’re driving, I bet that’s some good stuff!

  42. 

    Don’t worry, Weebles—you’re not coming across as all THAT nice…you’re more like a wickedly witty woman with a nice streak. But, since you’re so concerned, I absolve you.
    Furthermore, I appreciate your efforts to come clean (although you’re making ME feel guilty for my own grouchy non-cyber self. So, thanks a lot.)

    • 

      Phew, thanks, Robin. I feel better now. I’d prefer to come across as having a nice streak rather than being all nice and stuff. And do not feel guilty for your grouchy non-cyber self—I bet you and I would become BFF over cookies.

  43. 

    By the way, are they chocolate chip? If so, yes, please.

  44. 

    Alright … I’ve written down the following …. Don’t mess with Weebs … that seems to get to the point. Although I’m fairly even keel, many thanks for sharing. … (whispering to self again – Don’t mess with Weebs.)

  45. 

    Oh, Madame, you’ve been so misunderstood! xoM

  46. 

    Must be some Sicilian in your blood line. It’s all perfectly normal for us.

  47. 

    Holy cow, I hope you have enough time to read this comment. I’ve nominated you for some awards. Please see the post here http://ldsconvertblog.com/2012/07/14/awards/. Take what you like, you deserve it.

  48. 

    What you’re talking about here, MW, is what I would call complex. You’re a complex person. You can be kind, thoughtful, bitchy, and have a light-speed temper, and I agree with you: I think I’m most Zen-like when I can function at the speed I want to – often very fast. It’s why I drive a six-speed, manual transmission, two-seater sports car. :) I so grok the temper thing, too (lucky me, I have sun, moon and three planets in Scorpio – talk about freaking out an astrologer!). Anyway, we love you no matter what. And no one could ever accuse you of being boring.

  49. 

    You’ve struck a nerve with your readership.
    … and I thought I was grouchy.

  50. 

    So very funny! So brave of you to tell on yourself!

  51. 

    Perfect perfect perfect post. love it. Staying tuned

  52. 

    No big surprise, MW. The sniper kitten pretty much gave it away.

  53. 

    I, like you, try to be cheery, but I, like you, will always find someone or something to be annoyed at.
    The happy compromise, I have found, is to pull a ridiculous face at them. It’s alarming, but comparatively non-hostile. It let’s them know that their behaviour has drifted out of their own little bubble and is interfering with everyone else’s without being openly confrontational. Also, it may either brighten or ruin their day, depending on what kind of prick they are.

  54. 

    Although I am only 20 and haven’t had many years to find a counterexample, as a general rule I cannot spend more than 24 hours with a person before wanting to kill him/her. The same idea applies to long-term relationships, even if I don’t see the person every moment of every day. I observe people too closely, and it gets me (and them) into trouble.
    This is only the third post I’ve read here, but I do believe I saw something about a Mr. Weebles? Does that make you more of a people person than I am?

    • 

      There is indeed a Mr. Weebles, and he’s as much of a people person as I am, Jane. So we’ve done the world a favor by taking each other off the market. People can be quite annoying, so I know what you mean.

  55. 

    Haha. That reminds me of my relationship with one of the few friends who has put up with me until now. We like to say that the basis for our friendship is that we “seem pretty nice, but secretly hate the world.”

  56. 

    Is it possible that I like you even more than I did before? Yes. Yes, it is :)

  57. 

    I should quit reading funny blogs at work. I saw the cross stitch pattern and nearly burst out laughing. I NEED that one. I could put it near the front door as a welcome.

    • 

      Apologies, Alice, I missed this last batch of comments on this post… By the way, you can get this cross-stitch pattern for your very own at subversivecrossstitch.com! I love the idea of using it as a “welcome” gesture.

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