Unlike many of you, I am a mere mortal. I have many weaknesses. You know how Superman was powerless against kryptonite? There are many things that are kryptonite to me. Some in a good way, some in a bad way.
For instance, certain accents are kryptonite to me. Yesterday we were treated to The Reclining Gentleman’s English accent. The English accent weakens my knees pretty quickly. But the accent I’m most powerless against is the Irish brogue. I can’t resist it. Can’t. Won’t. It doesn’t even matter if the speaker is male or female. I’d pay good money just to listen to an Irish person read aloud from the dictionary or the phone book.
There are several other things that are guaranteed to evoke a visceral reaction in me, such that I am unable to resist swooning, making an ass of myself, and/or indulging in to an unspeakable degree:
- Cute animals—anyone who doesn’t turn into a mess of goo with cute animals is probably Hitler reincarnated.
- French fries—this should require no further explanation. They’re delicious, greasy, salty proof of God’s existence and benevolence.
- Carvel ice cream—for those of you not fortunate enough to live in an area with purveyors of Carvel, Carvel is like Dairy Queen or Mr. Softee, except much, much, much better. See “proof of God’s existence and benevolence” above.
- This guy—at this point he should need no introduction.
- Flea markets—where you can find all kinds of crap you never knew you absolutely must have.
- Bookstores—at least, until Amazon destroys them all, anyway.
- Las Vegas—over-the-top decadence and debauchery at its best.
Then there’s the bad sort of kryptonite. Things that are so heinous and awful that I can’t stand looking at them, hearing about them, or being in the same room with them:
- Disgusting holes—we’ve discussed these.
- Roaches—Satan’s emissaries on earth.
- Any of those interminable ASPCA and Humane Society commercials—why don’t you just waterboard me, it would be less traumatic.
- Cottage cheese—to some, a healthy snack. To me, a vile poison.
- Honey—to some, a delicious topping for toast and other things. To me, a vile poison.
- Kevin Costner’s voice—want to send me into a homicidal frenzy? Force me to listen to the audio from Dances With Wolves.
- Tom Cruise—my hatred of him is even more intense than my hatred of Alex Trebek.
So how about you? What’s your kryptonite?