Dear WordPress gods,
Writing about not being freshly pressed usually results in being freshly pressed. It would be a great tragedy if Fear No Weebles‘ first Freshly Pressed post would be one written by the magnificent Le Clown. So without further ado:
Cocky Le Clown was freshly pressed alright. To quote Madame Weebles: I’m packing heat.
Now that we’ve established that this post will not be Freshly Pressed… Wait. Le Clown feels like a dick. Let’s give this post a chance, and balance things out…
Perfectly ironed beige Gap khaki pants are the closest one can get to the Bible Belt (if White Baby Jesus would have worn khakis, he’d be alive today). Fuck, here I go again, insulting 7/8 of the American population (I really should shut the fuck up before one of them shoots me), leaving the only cool Americans (all 74!) untouched and unharmed by my potty mouth.
Le Clown could go on about why Madame Weebles has not yet been Freshly Pressed – she talks to dead people, she crushes on dead people, she writes about boobies - but what’s the fun in that when he can photoshop a vagina in the Grand Canyon? The Grand Canyon is such a picturesque Kodak moment which, you’ll agree, belongs on the bestest of Freshly Pressed travel blogs, while a vagina is such an evil black hole of slutty cancer aids. Two slits, only one is filthy, and it’s not the one that’s been around for 17 million years, covered in dirt.
A Comic Sans hairy pink vagina got lost while looking for a Brazilian and jumped to its death, leaving a plethora of pubes without a home.
Oh mighty WordPress gods on high, please accept this post as a sacrifice so that you may one day make she of the Weebles a woman thou shalt Press Freshly in your divine wisdom and grace.
Penis.
This is my second read today while still in bed and I just want to say that I feel weird about that Le Clown pic and it has prompted me to go take a shower.
- Lauren
PS – Not the good kind of weird.
La La,
Let me take a guess… 2 posts, and both of them involved a clown and a weeble?
Le Clown
You’re on fire today.
You know what? There’s actually a Clown Weeble. I kid you not. I have one.
MW,
Please send the Clown Weebles to moi.
Le Clown
God, you’re so fucking bossy.
Le Clown, this post makes your cigarette fetish look like an episode of Mr. Rogers. I’m scared. Were it not for the picture of the ironed khakis I would have no place to rest my eyes.
Grippy,
I hear Paul Ryan wears Gap khakis himself… But then again, he doesn’t sport the Eighth Wonder of the World in his trousers…
Le Clown
The Eighth Wonder? Paul Ryan is the Seventh Wonder, he comes in just ahead of you because he actually has a little color on his legs. You lost points for being albino.
Grippy,
Is Paul Ryan the Lighthouse of Alexandria? As for my white legs, I can’t argue there… Living in an igloo does have its disadvantages…
Le Clown
Ahahahahaha!!!!!!!
If that appeal will not get Madame to get freshly pressed, I don’t know what will…
India,
It’s like the Oscars®… It’s rarely the right movie that wins one… actually, it’s rarely the right movies that are nominated. By now, Madame Weebles should have won Best Picture, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Actress in a lead role.
Le Clown
I’m not sure I can process this magnificent compliment, Le Clown.
Madame Weebles,
Of course you can’t.
Le Clown
Many of the blogs I follow have been getting freshly pressed…so you are getting close, this could be it …
Boomie,
Now tell, Boomie. You’re a wise woman… Is being Freshly Pressed really an honour? Wouldn’t Madame Weebles increase her street creds if she would refuse the honour?
Le Clown
You know i have thought about that myself, just refuse the “honour” if is is infact one…
Refusing would more than triple her street cred…Her fame would be known all over wordpress and it’s 2 or 3 suburbs…
You may be onto something, Boomie—if they ever want to FP me and I refuse, it could be like Marlon Brando refusing the Oscar. I could be FAMOUS!
I don’t even know what to say. I’m with Lisa (Grippy) above. Don’t know what to look at and for some reason, I’m a bit scared. MWeebs, come back.
Brigitte,
I’m with you… A Helvetica vagina would be a nicer thing to look at… I mean, who still uses Comic Sans in this day and age?
Le Clown
A Helvetica vagina. My day was just made, my day was just made…
It’s okay, Brigitte. I’ve got my eye on him to make sure he doesn’t cause *too* much damage.
I strongly suspect there is more photoshop going on in ALL of these pictures than you have admitted. Just sayin’…
(And they’re probably just scared to freshpress Madame Weebles due to her psychic powers.)
L&L,
I’m pleased to read you have great trust in my photoshopping skills… And you are right… My hair is much whiter than on that picture.
Le Clown
And come on, the grass in Canada can’t be that green with all that snow. You doctored that up too, didn’t you.
I was wondering why I had such a desire to slut it up after viewing the Grand Canyon. Now I know.
Speaker 7,
Have you visited Mount Rushmore yet? I suggest you drink gallons of cranberry juice prior to your visit.
Le Clown
Wow! What a way to start my week. Serves me right for clicking on the email notices for the two favorite and most demented blogs that I follow. Maybe I’ll have two cups of coffee before doing that next time…
Cathy,
So much magnificence, so early in the week. It calls for your best cup of Joe. And what would you be brewing this morning, dear friend?
Le Clown
Costa Rican Hard Bean! Perfect, don’t you think?
Oh Le Clown. I love a dude with pasty white gams–they just scream “Hi, I’m here for secksy time!”
I’m in love.
Jules,
Alas, in Canada, we have 12 months of snow. I had to shovel a clear path on which my anti-freeze induced legs could lay upon for the picture. Even with shrinkage, Le Clown packs some heat.
Le Clown
Le,
I live in Chicago where we have about the same amount of snow but it’s not nearly as pretty as Canada.
Sadly, the mens here don’t do pasty as well as you do.
Peace.
jules
Jules,
It took 41 years to get the perfect shade of “pasty” – I went from ivory to eggshell. Now,one could think I’m blue blood.
Le Clown
I’ll never be ivory OR eggshell. Damn freckles.
M. Weebles, just so you know, Husband thinks Le Clown is a serial killer. Psst, this is just between you and me, don’t tell anybody.
Fish,
And you defended Le Clown’s honour, right? Cause I know where you live…
Le Clown
I LOL’d.
Then said, WTF?! :-0 Then he said, OMG! It was GR8.
Fish,
Have you read Lame Adventures’ post this morning?
Le Clown
That was the first thing I read this morning.
(Psst, Fish—he’s definitely a serial killer. Remember, I babysat for his blog while he was away. I broke into the basement and saw his lair. He has an eyeball collection, in a bunch of jars on a shelf.)
Husband will be glad to know he was right.
Well, Le Clown, you’ve outdone yourself with this sacrificial post. It was like a religious experience, except afterwards I felt dirtier.
Madame Weebles,
There’s a “cleaner” version of you that has existed at some point?
Le Clown
You got me there. Touché, dirtbag. Dammit.
What a great way to start the week! This reads “Fresh” and it’s certainly “Pressed.” Bring it home,baby!
Margarita,
I don’t think we’ve met yet, but from this first introduction, Le Clown would say you have great taste…
Le Clown
Merci, M. Le Clown! Perhaps the beginning of a beautiful friendship…or something like that?
Margarita,
I agree. You’re now followed by Le Clown.
Ciao,
Le Clown
And I’m following you…that should be an interesting dance! Hasta pronto! xoM
Clowns, clowns everywhere!! Argh!!
Meizac,
It is only the beginning.
Le Clown
The mind reels at the visual imagery.
Khakis? GAH!
Guapa,
Right? You’re fortunate though, I almost posted a picture of sandals… with socks…
Le Clown
Thank goodness common decency prevailed.
If you had used ‘Papyrus’ instead of ‘Comic Sans’ W.P. would be all over this s**t.
(I’d assume, anyway. I can’t even spell ‘Preshly Fressed’ you know madame.)
So yeah. I’m slow. At best. Sorry, Le Clown… I have to read anything twice before I’ve actually read anything once. *sigh*
SpilledInGuy,
NIce to make your acquaintance. You’re right, Madame Weebles is on my blog, entertaining my Carnies. She has abandoned you all for a day. She’ll be back tomorrow, with a new set of [juggling] balls.
Le Clown
Those khakis were just plain offensive, ok? I suggest that you bronze Rush and deliver them to Mme. Weebles as a trophy for being the best damn blogger ever; that really is the best use for them.
RG,
Traitor.
Le Clown
Shhhh.. I am just trying to dispense us of Rush, ok?
RG,
This will require a second Effexor today.
Le Clown
Sweet Jesus, people, WHAT IS WITH YOU??? Are there no bloggers here who appreciate the greatness that is Geddy Lee???
What is that thing on his face? A soul patch? A bikini line? Why does he sing so weird? Why those glasses? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
But it’s ok Mme. Weebs,. more for you!
All I know is that I suddenly have a Grand Canyon fixation …
V,
I hear it’s pretty dry down there. Thought you should know.
Le Clown
At this stage, I should be, too, very soon.
Dammit, I almost choked on my coffee from that one, V. Fucking hilarious.
I just told (not) Under Ling (anymore) the LA I’d most like to write is “Life Without Hormones” but that could be a five-year series.
They are probably just scared of your photo shopping skills, no sorry, photoshop skills.
Elliott,
They are just afraid. Period.
Le Clown
Can you blame them?
Well… I’m off sausages for at least a month now.
Sybaritica,
Sausages are overrated. I say let go of these nitrates.
Le Clown
Le Clown and Madame Weebles are really messing with my mind this Monday morning. But yes, hard to believe neither has been Freshly Pressed, though I’m sure a Grand Canyon/vagina analogy will put them one step closer.
Carrie,
I majored in Poetry, with a concentration on Metaphors of Modern Geographic Biology.
Le Clown
Ahh, bien sur!
I love that picture of you in your skin tight boxers. I was actually pissed to find out that it wasn’t all you. Tease.
Wendy,
The only thing fake about that picture is that it’s not really Le Clown, but a picture of Le Clown.
Le Clown
Pardonnez-moi. I was sure that I had read somewhere on the original post, that it was photoshopped. If it has not been fucked with, I bow to your cocky magnificence.
I may never be the same after seeing the top photo. Ew.
Robin,
Agreed. Everyone is a better person after seeing that picture.
Le Clown
Uh, er, ahem . . . that wasn’t what I meant.
‘An evil black hole of slutty cancer aids’ — hahahahahhahaha!
I read the comments first — I saw that it was you, my nephew, contributing to the debasing of this wonderful blog, and rushed to see what folks would have to say about it — the comments were hilarious.
And, oh but I was pleasantly surprised. I see Freshly Pressed in the near future — and a brand spanking new Helvetica vagina!
It’s probably just as well that it’s Helvetica, Sandee—those serif fonts can be a bitch. So pointy.
I want to have cocktails with you. LeClown can come, too, but he’ll need to wear a collar.
D&O,
Wrong clown, my friend… And I don’t have cocktails with emoticons.
Le Clown
You and I will have cocktails, D&O. Le Clown can stay outside while we talk about him.
Maybe WordPress will contact you, but they might ask to replace all the too honest words with little stars.
No Blog Intnded,
WordPress did contact me, but it wasn’t to *blank* vagina. More tomorrow…
Le Clown
Blank! That was the word I couldn’t come up with!
I’m waiting with excitement!
I agree! Le Clown forever, Weebles Never!
You really are quite the diplomat, Smak.
Madame Weebles,
WTF are you doing here? That’s my party…
Le Clown
I now feel like all that coffee I drank this morning was a waste. My doom to never sleep again was sealed the instant I saw those images.
Emily,
It’s your dreams that you should now be afraid of.
Le Clown
So this is the second post of yours that I’ve read. Is it too late to back out? I feel like I’ve gotten to know you (ALL of you) wayy too quickly. And now I’m scarred for life.
Lily,
Of course! This is not Russia, and you’re not the Pussy Riot. You are free to roam wherever the blogosphere leads you… But it will bring you back to me.
Le Clown
You’re amazingly funny. I suppose it is time to rub one out now…thanks for the soft porn
Hope this works.
Rebecca,
Thanks! I could always introduce you to the magnificent very large pair of socks, if you need inspiration!
Le Clown
Oh thanks so much. The problem is I already have a love affair going on with some socks. Another three some might be too much.
Rebecca,
Fret not. My socks come induced in cranberry juice. There good to go.
Le Clown
Ahh yes but I don’t need cranberry juice. Breadsticks on the other hand. http://ladyornot.com/?p=189
Some of this stuff is just offensive. Particularly the part that references “slutty cancer aids.” It’s AIDS, not aids. Get it right.
Jane,
I agree, it was indeed offensive. Which was the point. I do not know if you read my own blog, but I’ve been an avid supporter of Sandra Fluke and Lisa Brown by being crude and going overboard, pointing out the absurdity of making the word “vagina” a stigma. This is my way of speaking out. I apologize if you take offence in my writing.
As for the spelling of AIDS “aids”, it was done purposely. Another way of speaking out against ignorance and intolerance. Again, I invite you to read either my blog or Madame Weebles’ to further understand our stance.
Le Clown
Jane, I’m sorry if you were offended, that was certainly not the intent of either Le Clown or myself. Most of the people who read our blogs know us well enough to know the spirit in which this type of post is intended.
Oh, dear. I’m bad at joking via the keyboard.
I was not offended. ‘Twas a joke. I apologize for not making that clear and for it now being uncomfortable. I actually quite enjoyed the post!
Jane,
No harm done. I actually browsed your blog and I was surprised by your comment. Now I get it.
So, what do we do to get Zach Braff your way?
Le Clown
Perhaps I should pretend to be offended by something he posts on The Facebook.
Jane,
I hear he likes to respond to death rumours…
Le Clown
Yay! Because if you HAD been offended, Jane, it was totally Le Clown’s fault. I had nothing to do with it.
Madame Weebles,
Shut up, fucktard.
Le Clown
You know, you need new material. “Fucktard” is getting played out.
Madame Weebles,
Pityfuck.
Le Clown
Eh. Different, but still boring.
Crossing my fingers you get pressed!
WhiteLadyInTheHood,
I would have so much to say on this, but I think I have gone far enough with my post. Decency now prevails.
Le Clown
Mr. Le Clown, I am so sorry! I had an extremely rough work day yesterday…my brain was not functioning properly…I thought Weebles was promoting you on her blog, but she was shooting to get Freshly Pressed…I would never be offensive to you on purpose. I’m sorry if that comment came out wrong.
WhiteLadyInTheHood,
No, no, not at all! Oh my clowness… You haven’t insulted me. I was making a statement about how much more dirty I could get while talking about my friend Weebles. I’m sorry if it got lost in my Frenglish.
Le Clown
whew!
Madame, you will undoubtedly be Freshly Pressed one day. You are way to good of a writer not to be. You are already adored by millions though, so when you are, don’t forget all of us loyal fans.
The Hobbler,
Her day will come. And she will reign ruthlessly sitting on her throne, looking at us, puny little bloggers.
Le Clown
That is kind of depressing.
The Hobble,
Big Pharma has pills for that.
Le Clown
Thank you for the reminder of an easy way to over-dose.
The Hobbler,
I must have missed something on your blog. In any case, there’s the homoeopathic route, or even better, the holistic approach, which I cater much more to. In any case (part 2): Madame Weebles will rule like no others. Long live the Weebles!
Le Clown
Yes, she is wonderful. I’m looking forward to her reign.
I freshly pressed this post 362 times under a mass of usernames. All I need to do now is blog reliably for the next six months on each of the usernames I created and voila, you’ll be freshly pressed for sure. Course, might not be soooo fresh in six months time, but I’m sure you aren’t short of material (and that’s not a covert reference to your pictures…)
Press on.
Cheers!
May you invoke the FP Gods, Mme Weebles. They know you deserve it.
Kate,
The Gods did answer my prayer: possibly, sometimes, in an alternate universe, if the cards play in her favours.
Le Clown
Crap you’re funny
Legion Writer,
I am, indeed.
Le Clown
I am sure you’re beautiful the way you are. Not to say that your hand isn’t super sexy. I mean, men around the world will be having wet dreams about it.
Is it wrong that the notion of this titillates me, Rebecca?
I am not sure how I commented on this post again instead of the one you posted yesterday. Titillation is good. Just don’t let it go to the wrong head.
Rebecca,
It’s much more fun to comment on a Le Clown’s post… Quite simply.
Le Clown
Well yes…I do have the hots for ya.
I have to say it…OMFG…I nearly spewed my freshly poured beer all over my Jesus khakis (imaginary of course…Jesus that is, not the khakis) on purpose. Thank you Madame Weebles oh bringer of laughter and light…
I hate to disappoint but this one was Le Clown’s doing, not mine, Amethyst!
Duly noted and well done by Le Clown…the rest still stands!
Madame Weebles,
Yeah, well, disappointment hates you too.
Le Clown
Amethyst,
I Beer has improved the look of your khakis, am I correct? And made them more interesting too, right? Do they now want to be your best friends? Did they ask you to sleep with you, yet? They will regret everything tomorrow morning, and won’t call you back…
Le Clown
Thanks for your article to make me know more about you.
Hemouse,
By “more” you meant “plenty”, “a big chunk”, right?
Le Clown
Oh please.