The Insomnia Monologues

Madame Weebles —  August 24, 2012 — 159 Comments

List of Characters:
Madame Weebles, your performer and insomniac
Mr. Weebles, who can fall asleep just thinking about sleep
Cupcake, a beautiful, un-declawed, 18-pound kitty

Setting:
The bedroom, in the middle of the night.  It’s dark.  Mr. Weebles is asleep.  My alarm clock is taunting me with those giant glowing red numbers, pointing at me and snickering.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I can’t believe this is happening again.  I’m so tired.  Why can’t I just go to sleep?  It’s 2:00am.  If I get to sleep by 3:00, that’s still four hours of sleep.  I guess that’s not too bad.

I could read but I’m too tired for that.  And I’m too tired and lazy to get up and go to the computer.  But my brain is spinning.  I don’t get it.  How can my brain be spinning when I’m this tired??  Maybe I’ll try that deep breathing thing I read about.  Innnnnnhaaaaaaaaaale.  Exxxxxxxxhaaaaaaaa—forget it, this is boring.

What’s on television?  Hey, Law & Order: Criminal Intent is on!

Ooop, someone just jumped on the bed.  It’s Cupcake.  Hi Cupcake!  Such a good girl.  Come here, let me pet you.  Ow, don’t stand on me, you’re concentrating all 18 pounds on one paw.  It really hurts.  Just lie down, pumpkin.  Come on, lie down.  No—please, don’t walk on me.  Ow, the claws.  Oh no.  Please, not there, Cupc—oww, NOTTHERENOTTHERENOTTHERENOWOWOWAWWWWW, look at you, you’re so cute!  See, isn’t this nice, lying down?  Yes, this is much nicer.

4:00am.  If I fall asleep in the next half hour, that’s two and a half hours of sleep.  Sigh.  At least it’s something.

Uh oh. There’s that poor limping dog—it’s that ASPCA or Humane Society commercial again. I need to change the channel.  What did I do with the remote?  Dammit, now I have to grope around for it with my eyes closed, I can’t watch these animals, it’s too sad.  Where’s the remote??  WHERE IS IT?!?!  I have to switch channels immediately!!  Lalalalalalalalalalalala I’m not listening lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala oh here it is.  **click**

4:30am.  Yay, I’m finally getting really drowsy.  I should be asleep pretty soon.  What a relief.

BRRRRRROOARRGGGGGGGGGGHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Fucking motorcyclist.  I hope he wraps his bike around a lamppost and it bursts into flames.  Asshole.

5:15am.  My heart is still racing from that motorcycle scaring the shit out of me.  I want to find that motherfucker, tie him to a stake, baste him with honey, and set fire ants on him.

Look at Mr. Weebles, sleeping so soundly.  That smug bastard.  How does he do that?  He looks so peaceful and cozy.  I really hate him.

6:00am.  If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, that’s an hour of sleep.  That’s barely even a nap.  Fuck my life.  Is it possible to smother oneself with a pillow?

I want to make a voodoo doll of that biker and puree it in the blender.

6:45am.  Sonofabitch.  I can’t believe I haven’t slept all fucking night.  This is BULLSHIT.  I may as well just get up now since my alarm is going to go off in fifteezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

159 responses to The Insomnia Monologues

  1. 

    My husband could sleep with a motorcyclist revving a motorcycle on his face. I wake up when a speck of dust falls on the floor and I’m up for hours. I feel your pain.

    • 

      Mr. Weebles is like that. He doesn’t even wake up when Cupcake is climbing all over him, using her claws as grappling hooks. I’m a sound enough sleeper when I finally fall asleep, but it’s just getting to that point that’s sometimes a problem. Especially when motorcycles roar down the streeet JUST before I fall asleep. Fuckers.

  2. 

    I feel your pain.

    Not really. I sleep like Rip Van Winkle.

  3. 

    I feel you! The guy in the hotel room next to mine snored so loudly, I could hear him through the walls. No way I was going to be able to get back to sleep through that din! I considered calling his room number to wake him up, but got Catholic guilt and didn’t. I’m still not sure I made the right choice there. :)

    • 

      Good lord, woman, that’s criminal—both the guy snoring that loudly and the hotel for having walls that thin. I think I might have “accidentally” called his room to wake him up.

  4. 
    A gripping life August 24, 2012 at 7:51 am

    Hahaha! The ASPCA commercial! I do the exact same thing! I can’t get my hands on that remote fast enough. All I have to hear are those first 3 notes of haunting music and I have a complete conniption. Don’t let Cupcake see it, it’ll give her nightmares! Speaking of Cupcake, lol about her getting into position. Weebs, this whole thing could be a page out of my book. (The book I’ll never write cause I’m such a loser.)

    • 

      Grippy, I know you know all about the whole process involved in getting a cat into proper position. Cozette looks like she was a sturdy gal too. And isn’t that commercial AWFUL?? They do it on purpose, to make us feel so horrible that we’ll just throw money at them. “Please, here’s my credit card, just don’t show that horrible ad anymore!!”

  5. 

    hey, we had the same night – except for Mr. Weebles; I have Mr. Can Sleep Through Anything except the crinkle of a cupcake wrapper

  6. 

    Sorry, Weebs. I typically sleep pretty well, but every now and then I have a night like that, or a few in a row. It’s almost like you’re too tired to sleep. As always, though, fantastic writing. And Cupcake? Yes I know about the 18 pounds per square inch – that’s Leo’s thing, although he’s now down to 16 on his new home-cooked diet. Hope tonight is better. Maybe an Epsom Salts bath before bed?

    • 

      I think that’s it, Cathy, it’s feeling to tired to sleep; I’m not sure how being “overtired” affects one’s ability to sleep, but it does. And sweet “little” Leo, he could have gone on the see-saw with Cupcake back in the day!

  7. 

    yep. i do that “if i fall asleep by 1am, i’ll still get 5 hours sleep…” thing. sort of like counting sheep, only even less effective. hope they day goes by quickly and/or you can nap under your desk at lunchtime. (i’ve done it).

    • 

      It’s absolutely not effective. It’s like the countdown to doom. When I was a kid I tried counting sheep once because I had heard the expression so often, but after I got to 134 sheep I decided it was bullshit.

  8. 

    I get drunk if I can’t sleep. Then you start laughing at you don’t know what then you relaise how sad it is to be drinking alone at 3am when the cat looks at you with scorn.

  9. 
    Fish Out of Water August 24, 2012 at 8:16 am

    That sounds miserable. I’m sorry. This would be the perfect spot for a frowny face emoticon, but I’m too mature for that stuff.

  10. 

    I feel you pain. Well, actually I just read about it. But I do know what it’s like to finally fall asleep when it’s time to get up. Melatonin works for me. I was told that a night of unbridled passion with the Brazilian national bikini team would help, but I haven’t managed to convince them yet.

    Cheers!

  11. 

    Yep a roonie, been there; done that…except the acupressure-feline was Leonard, or maybe Possum Pete. Wanna rip someone’s head off, for sure!
    But I been wanting to ask: if your Mr. Weebles has one of those nights (mind can’t shutdown, not ONE of those nights) does that keep you awake, too? That’s my newest one. When my husband is mentally churning out metawatts of whatever (railroading or footballing probably), he can wake me up from a dead-to-the-world slumber. How the hell can he do that? And he can even do it when he’s out of town! WTF? (he’s be still, not thrashing about or taking a running leap into the bed after a pee…like he usually does.)

    • 

      Ugh, Nikki, that’s not fair that your hub’s sleeplessness affects you. No fair at all. You need to dope him up with Benadryl or something. Fortunately, when Mr. Weebles can’t sleep, it doesn’t affect me. Every once in a while we’re awake at the same time, usually because one of the cats has decided that it’s party time for everyone.

  12. 

    Gad … what a timely post. I just spent half the night in full action mode and barely a wink did I get! I knew I was still ‘wired’ when my good wife announced she was heading to Bedfordshire so I stayed up… and stayed up. Finally, when I decided I *really* ought to try sleeping I approached the sleeping chamber only to hear said wife in full throat, doing her impression of someone using a chainsaw to slaughter live hogs. So… off the reading room couch… Little joy there either, I’m afraid.

    I can’t do this two nights in a row … does anyone actually have a number for the Brazilian National Bikini team? Second string is just fine…

  13. 

    Why were you calling for La La during the ASPCA commercial?

  14. 

    thank god for the ambien drip i concocted out of a silly straw, a zip-loc bag, vodka, crushed ambien and some twine.

  15. 

    WEEBS!!! ARE YOU ASLEEP YET??? WEEBS!!!

    Why does this happen? I experience this too. I can be sleeping and my eyes just POP open, no gradual waking up thing. Just up. Awake and can’t go back to sleep. And yeah, hubby can sleep like a baby?

    Hope you get some shut-eye today, but I feel you pain, I do.

    I freaking hate motorcycles.

  16. 

    You poor thing. I wanted to make fun of your fat cat, but I couldn’t because I feel so bad for you! Sleep is so important. Maybe you need to shut down the computer for the day, listen to only soothing music, sip some camomile tea, make hubby give you a long, no-strings-attached massage, and then kick him to the couch and confiscate the bed for the night. Tell him I said he has to.

    • 

      It’s okay, Carrie, I make fun of our fat cat too. She’s such a tubby little girl. She also has a Hitler mustache, which makes her even cuter. And I’ll tell Mr. Weebles about your orders. He can argue with me, but with you? Nuh-uh.

  17. 

    Agh!
    I feel your pain… I used to have WICKED insomnia… (from birth to 31 years old…)

    Here’s to hoping you get a good nappy in today :)

  18. 

    I used to do that “if I fall asleep now I’ll get this many hours of sleep” all the time. It’s gotten better over the last three years or so. That’s about the time I had to get glasses. Now when I look at the alarm clock I can’t read it, so it doesn’t matter.

    • 

      I know this problem. I’m blind as a bat without my glasses so I have to have the clock right next to my bed on my nightstand. And it has pretty big numbers. Otherwise I’d have no idea—is it 8:00? 3:00? 5:00? Who knows? They all blur into each other.

  19. 

    Zzzzz… hmmm … what? Did you say something?

    that’s nice dear….

  20. 
    whiteladyinthehood August 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I can usually sleep like a rock, unless I am home by myself, then I have total insomnia -which stinks! Hope you eventually got some rest!

    • 

      When I don’t have insomnia, I usually sleep like a rock too, Chica B. But I know what you mean about not being able to sleep when you’re home alone—when Mr. Weebles is away, I have trouble sleeping too.

  21. 

    I feel like a pig. I was born with the sleep gene. I like nothing more than doing it vigorously and then rolling over and snoring … Maybe I was actually born with the guy gene.

  22. 

    That biker goes through my neighborhood too, damitall!

  23. 

    I LOVE Mr. Weebles’ comment. :)

    “tie him to a stake, baste him with honey, and set fire ants on him” … A perfect (and creative) punishment, I’d say.

  24. 

    I used to have the odd night like that. Now I have a child he occasionally keeps me awake, or I’m tired by bedtime, so I take all the sleep I can get.

    I cannot sleep if I let the cat in our room. It won’t stop moving around.

    • 

      People with young children probably don’t have insomnia very often, Elliot. But you must have a very unusual cat–I’ve rarely heard of cats who DON’T stop moving around. It’s all I can do to get my cats to roll over.

  25. 

    Have you tried counting sheep? What about heroin? Doesn’t that make a person sleepy?

  26. 

    Smiling from ear to ear! I loved that you wanted the motorcyclist to wrap his bike around a pole — meee tooooo! I’m really sorry you didn’t get any sleep — I’ve so been there and have experienced your blow-by-blow. But your accounting of it kicked ass! Here’s to getting some sleep tonight…
    P.S. Oh yeah and the ASPCA commercial — I do the saaaame thing!

  27. 

    Sadly, I’m one of those folks who can fall asleep in a room full of people even with the Rolling Stones playing in the background. I should start volunteering for scientific studies on narcolepsy.

    I’m pretty sure Mooselicker’s right about the heroin, but heroin addicts also have a tendency to sleep through bowel movements, which does make it a lot less glamorous than it initially sounds…

    • 

      I hate people like you, Lovely. Not really. But kind of. On a *good* night, I fall asleep within 30-45 minutes. On not good nights, it’s anyone’s guess.

      And the info about heroin addicts and their bowels really does make me rethink the whole heroin chic thing.

  28. 

    Laughing out loud! Oh how many nights I have spent just like that! Only my hubby is a light sleeper and I keep him up, which makes me even more talk in my head worrying if I am making too much noise. I snore, my nose makes noise, I move around to much, the tv is too loud, too bright, I need a fan on and he turns it off, then I have nightmares and I don’t want to sleep. Gezzzzzzz now I sleep in they guest bedroom. Best sleep I have gotten since we married.

    • 

      Oy, Nancy, that sounds brutal. You know how when you visit old mansions and you see that the married couples had separate bedrooms? They had the right idea. What dipstick decided that we should share a bed ALL the time? I mean, yeah, it’s obviously good for sexy time, but for actual sleep?

  29. 

    Oh my god I hate nights like that, but laughed hysterically because that’s my response to every man that just sleeeeeeeps and sleeeeps. I don’t know how that happens.

    Also, you know it’s my response to that effing commercial, too, which is always on in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep!!!

    • 

      I definitely know that you also freak about that commercial, La La. I thought of you when I was writing this, actually. And not just because of your rack, despite what I said to Chris.

  30. 
    workspousestory August 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    LeClown is always so thoughtful.

  31. 
    workspousestory August 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Oh no, poor you…. and falling asleep just when you’re about to get up – been there, dammit!

    • 

      Thanks much for the sympathy, WSS, it helps to know I’m not the only one. As for falling asleep just before the alarm goes off, that’s just nature’s cruel way of saying “Psych!”

  32. 

    What up with you lady? The only time I have sleeplessness is when hormones are torturing me. Are you being tortured?
    I can’t paste the photo in here because I’m stupid even though I’ve had plenty of sleep but click on this link.

  33. 

    And this is one of those posts that WordPress is watching but not pressing.

  34. 

    If I had written it, I would have had Kristin Scott-Thomas end up with Hugh Grant, not that odious Andie McDowell. Although I probably wouldn’t have cast Hugh Grant because I don’t like him either. And I would have added a lot more cursing. And I would have changed the setting to New York. With Americans. And the weddings would have been at Disney World or something. With a lot of hamburgers. Fuck yeah. USA! USA! USA!

  35. 

    You need a better class of late night tv.
    I’d suggest something, but I slept fine last night.
    And this afternoon at work.

    • 

      That’s the problem with late-night TV in general, Guap. After a certain time, it’s all infomercials or even crappier crap than is usually on. Hundreds of channels and yet still nothing to watch.

      Now how do you camouflage your workplace naps? Do you duck into an empty office or do you just go for it?

      • 

        The old “Head resting on arm while watching training videos” scam. The back of my chair faces the office door.

        Gets ‘em every time!

        Hope you’re sleeping while I type this!

  36. 

    holy crap, that is exacly my situation. It drives me so crazy when my wife can instantly fall asleep. She cannot understand why her ability to sleep has anything to do with my inability to sleep.
    hmmmm…I wonder if i used to sleep better before I got married. lol

    • 

      Actually Mr. Weebles’ ability to sleep at the drop of a hat, doesn’t usually impact my sleep one way or the other. It’s just that when I can’t sleep, for whatever reason, it’s annoying to see him all sleeping and comfy. It makes me want to learn how to play the drums, know what I mean?

  37. 

    Awww that sucks. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

  38. 

    Oh, miserable, and though I enjoyed the dialogues I suspect they are less entertaining when it’s just you and the night. Do hope you get a better night tonight,

  39. 

    Hahaha I would be saying the same thing about that motorcyclist. Damn them. And I’m right with you there with those commercials. You know the one where Sarah McLaughlin tries to talk you into adopting a dog? SHE BETTER HAVE LIKE, 20 DOGS.

  40. 
    writerwendyreid August 24, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    I’m so sorry that you got no sleep last night and I’m even sorrier for laughing my ass off as I read this post. You are fucking hilarious. I think my favorite line was…oh hell, there are too many to choose from. Between 18 pounds of kitty on one paw and not looking at or listening to the spca commercial as you search for the lost remote….I’m STILL laughing. You can take comfort in thinking about me tonight…trying to sleep with my son’s bday party in my backyard (he’s 24 – really just another reason to get drunk)…and I have to get up at 4:30 for work. Wish me luck.

    • 

      I’m glad you laughed, Wendy, that was the point of sharing! Plus, you know what they say: tragedy + time = comedy.

      I will be thinking of you tonight as you try to sleep amidst the din of your son’s party. I wish you the best of luck. But getting up at 4:30am? What the fuck??

      • 
        writerwendyreid August 25, 2012 at 5:40 pm

        I fell asleep…with closed windows (with no fucking air conditioning….grrrr), ear plugs and a sleeping pill. Woke up several times though. Party was STILL going when I left for work at 5:30 this morning. Yes…I’m up early because I start work at 6:30 am. :-)

  41. 

    Yikes M Weebles ~ I think we’re leading parallel lives… I was up from 12AM-3AM (and anyone that wants to argue that 12AM is noon, smack yourself and then look it up). My cat, however, sadly is only 14 lbs but packs a wallop on my chest when she uses me as a spring board to the window casement.
    I hate counting down the minutes until the alarm goes off

    I hope you were able to nap…. I got me some 12PM-3PM ….yeah for half days at work.

  42. 

    I’ve got nothin’. Mostly because the exact same thing happened to me last night, except without the cat or the man beside me.

  43. 

    I have a lot of trouble with this. I tried to fix it by taking NyQuill, but instead of increasing my hours of sleep, I just increased my NyQuill tolerance. Now, in addition to suffering from chronic insomnia, I have no effective nighttime antidote to the common cold.

    • 

      I’ve doped myself up with NyQuil in the past too, Jane. It worked like a charm, but I was worried about getting too used to it so I stopped. You have my most profound sympathies, as I’m not sure which I hate more: not being able to sleep, or having a cold.

      • 

        I just realized that I’ve been mistakenly been spelling that with two L’s (NyQuill) instead of one (NyQuil). Thanks for setting me on the right path! :)
        Second, I’d have to say that having a cold (without some sort of depressant to knock me out) is worse. On top of that feeling of only being able to breath through one nostril, I usually can’t sleep, either. But at least having a cold gives me an excuse (…Right? Maybe not, but let’s pretend like it does) to become a hermit, complain, not move a muscle, watch movies all day, and ask people to bring me food.

    • 

      Does that stuff work, Mike? I assume it does, that’s probably a stupid question. Otherwise you wouldn’t be recommending it. I assume you are a fellow insomniac?

      • 

        Indeed I am. I have a very hard time shutting my brain down at night (as my Muppet post suggests).

        In short, I feel your frustration.

        Some people have bad reactions to sleeping pills, but I’d recommend giving it a try. Good luck!

  44. 

    Jesus, Weebles, are you living in my head again? I hate that almost as much as I hate the douchey neighbor with the motorcycle. We’ve discussed this.

    • 

      I do remember your douchey neighbor with the motorcycle. He needs to be expelled from decent society. You already have the foil kitty skills, think you could whip up some voodoo dolls?

      • 

        Foil sculptures can’t be used for evil purposes, since they embody only happiness, whimsy, and good vibrations. We could maybe try something in plastic wrap, though. That stuff’s pretty evil.

  45. 

    I keep my iPod Touch next to the bed and play Jumbline until my eyes droop. Or I take an Ambien. But only if I don’t have anything to do for about 24 hours. Works like a charm; I even sleep through hot flashes.

    • 

      My game is Bejeweled — I see those little jewels even with my eyes closed, just like I used to do with Tetris. But it’s good to know about the Ambien—I suspect I’ll want to sleep through those hot flashes, from what I hear about them.

  46. 

    I feel like I am always late getting to the party… but ahh fuck M Weebles. as you know I so feel your pain.. no sleep for me pretty much all week. Why why why? I do not have motorcyles waking me up but my flipping dog that I rescued from Sarah was barking like a mad dog at a bear in our yard..tried to jump through the damn screen window. After I placed my heart back into my chest I could not go to back sleep.

  47. 

    I’m sorry, even I don’t use that kind of foul language.

  48. 

    Deep sympathy – sounds as though you’re short of calcium, magnesium and zinc. They could change your life. I find that too much time in front of the computer drains me of these things, so I top them up.

    • 

      Thanks, Valerie—I actually did have a whopping magnesium shortage once, and I was amazed at how much better I felt after the supplements. It’s crazy, how depleted we can become, isn’t it?

  49. 

    This doesn’t sound so bad. At least Law & Order was on *chunk chunk*. Last time I couldn’t sleep, nothing was on but Meatballs 3.

  50. 

    I have had insomnia off and on my whole life. It really is magical…

  51. 

    Wait! You have an eighteen pound cat?!?! Is he/she (I respect its privacy) a mob-boss or a monster?

  52. 

    My understand totally. Mr Becky Says Things falls asleep immediately upon entering the bedroom, snores like a lawn mower, and instead of waking himself up with the hideous noise going on inside his own face, he keeps me awake. So I lie, staring at the ceiling, waiting for either a) sleep to come, b) the world to explode, or c) me to finally crack and beat the shit out of his horrid snoring head.
    P.S. Brilliant post, made me spit out a bit of my breakfast onto my laptop (which wasn’t particularly nice).

  53. 

    Nah, you’re not getting to sleep for any of those reasons. You’re not getting to sleep because you’re telepathing your blog posts!

  54. 

    Like Mr. Weebles, I can fall asleep thinking about iZZZZZZZZZZ where was I? Oh, yes, my sweet daughter, on the other hand, suffers like you do. One suggestion I came upon recently that seems to have helped her, is to be in sunlight, with your eyes closed, 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the afternoon. It seems to help her body figure out when it’s day and when it’s night…Chi, our fully clawed kitty, likes to swat me out of my slumber, too…fortunately, she only weighs about 8 lbs AND did I mention I fall asleep eZZZZZZZZ xoxom

  55. 

    I can fall asleep just fine. It is the staying asleep part that seems to fail me. 4 hours of sleep and BING – Hello Darkness my old friend

  56. 

    Now that I don’t have a job I sleep like a log. But a job would be nice…

  57. 

    I’ve been struggling with insomnia this week so I found your post relevant to my life. Worst insomnia event had to be when I went to my sleep lab appointment for my snoring. I waited two years for that and may be slept 1 hour. When my husband picked me up the next morning for a road trip out of town I fell asleep before he got out of the parking lot and didn’t wake up until the car was shut off…..

  58. 

    I am sorry you’re suffering Weebs. Have you always been an insomniac? I remember hearing a statistic once that it only took 7 minutes for the average person to fall asleep and I started laughing so hard and hysterically because I thought it was a joke. I was so sad to talk to normal sleepers and find out it was true. Melatonin works for me, sometimes.

    • 

      Just 7 minutes??? That’s sickening. I think the last time I fell asleep that quickly was either when I had pulled an all-nighter, or when I had the flu. Melatonin does work most of the time, but I try not to use it too often. Meh.

  59. 

    Get rid of flashing numbers. Leave them under the bed. Eventually strangulate motor cyclist in the cord. If you’re really fresh, you dumb the tv on him, when he pass by, then you’re rid of ASPCA too. Read your self to sleep. Teach cat to turn off the light >ö<

  60. 

    What can I say?! I’ve had the same problem for years since I hit the big four-zero (even prior to that I guess). Well in fact, I’ve been an insomniac my whole life. That’s the main reason I didn’t grow tall. :-)

    Madame, it took me a long way to get down here so I’d be able to post this comment. You are a bonafide superstar at WordPress. You definitely deserve it because you’re so funny, smart and quite an original/exceptional writer. I’m glad you take the time to open and read my blog. You honor me with such sweetness and kindness.

    • 

      Tall is overrated, Marj—just think of how many things you’d have to duck under if you were tall! And thank you so much for your kind words. Truly, your latest post meant a lot to me personally, and I’m glad there are people like you in the world.

  61. 

    Pretty sure I fell asleep once in the eighties.
    Good times.

  62. 

    Well, at least you got those precious fifteen minutes. Fortunately, sleeplessness is not a common problem for me, but when it occurs it’s no fun. It most frequently happens on those occasions when I have to get up early and catch a flight. I dread getting up before my body is ready (I don’t use an alarm for that reason) and I SUPER-DUPER dread flying and the flying experience, and since I don’t sleep the night before, the whole experience is made that much more pleasant. I actually haven’t flown in about two years, since they increased the security check. Unfortunately, the TSA takes a dim view of my medicinal needs.

    • 

      You normally get up without an alarm? I hate people like you. I also envy people like you. Getting up super early for a flight is pretty nightmarish, there’s nothing worse than crawling out of bed at 5am or some other ungodlyl hour, only to be subjected to the vagaries and indecencies of modern air travel. And TSA employees really don’t have much of a sense of humor. In fact, I’m pretty sure they only hire people who’ve had their smile muscles removed.

      • 

        TSA employees don’t smile because that would be really creepy when they’re groping you at the same time. They might have an inner, intra-trouser smile, but it’s probably better we don’t know that.

  63. 

    Argh! I feel for you. The motorcycle wouldn’t have bothered me, but my homicide-inducing bugbear is teenagers horsing around behind our back fence in the middle of the night. Sometimes they just laugh and yell. Other times, they laugh, yell, do drugs, vandalize the fence, and spray-paint the cars. You guess which… so I have to get up and look EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    I was *this close* to going Rambo with my compound bow and leaving the bodies pinned to the fence as a warning to the others. But it’s too easy for the police to tell which direction the arrows came from…

    • 

      We used to have neighbors who used to party and drink until the wee hours too, right outside our bedroom window. I would have given anything to have a compound bow back then. I would have gone to jail, but it would have been worth it if I could have taken out all those punks.

  64. 

    Hey, now I know where to go when I can’t sleep. Two many voices in my head, I guess. My husband has no voices in his head and falls asleep in seconds.

  65. 

    I certainly feel your pain. That empty mind thing works for me some times. I have 2 or 3 poems dedicated to this subject, insomnia.

    • 

      Hello, silentlyheard! Welcome!! Insomnia really is no fun. I’m sorry you suffer from it too. Sometimes the empty mind thing works for me, sometimes not. It would be nice not to have to worry about sleep, wouldn’t it? Thank you for commenting, I’m so glad you’re here!

  66. 

    I think the problem is anticipating your alarm clock. Set it to midnight and you will fall asleep minutes before midnight and sleep until tomorrow :)

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