My most boring post to date

Madame Weebles —  August 30, 2012 — 129 Comments

I still got nothing.  This is a recurring theme.  It vexes me.

So why don’t I just pour some coffee and tea for everyone and we’ll have a nice chat, shall we?  The cookies will be out of the oven shortly.

Since I have nothing interesting to say, I’ll tell you a bunch of uninteresting things.  So if you’re already bored, I urge you to click away from this page now.  It’s only going to go downhill from here.

For starters, I think Hurricane Isaac is a dick for hitting the New Orleans area.  Come on, dude, haven’t the people in the Gulf suffered enough??  And Hurricane Katrina hit on August 29, 2005—-nice 7th anniversary gift, asshole.

Ah, there’s the buzzer, the cookies are done.  I’ve made a few different kinds.  Chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, and maple prune.  Those last ones were an experiment but they don’t look very appealing.  I’d give those a pass if I were you.  Careful, they’re heavy.

The other day I heard “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys for the first time in a while.  I really don’t like that song.  This is the best you could do as a tribute to your hometown, dude?  Because if so, your best sucks.  As a native New Yorker, I’m offended.  I could make a recording of subway trains coming to a screeching halt, with Joe Pesci’s voice dubbed in, and it would still sound nicer than that song.  I want the ghost of Frank Sinatra to come down and kick the shit out of Jay-Z for writing that earsore.

Would you like coffee or tea?  Personally, I like my cup of coffee the way I like my men: strong, hot, and bottomless.

Now where was I?  Right.  Rambling aimlessly.

You know what I’d really love to do?  I’d really love to have my own old-fashioned ice cream parlor and soda fountain.  With tin ceilings, marble countertops, wrought-iron fixtures, and the type of soda fountain they used to have in pharmacies back in the day.  Like these:

     

Except I’d have much more comfortable tables and chairs.  And I would serve fancy ice cream sundaes, sodas, phosphates, and all kinds of other wacky concoctions.  But I’d add a bakery section too.  This way if you’d rather have cookies, pastries, or cake (hi Sandee!), or if you want ice cream and cake (and who doesn’t??), you can have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.  I think that would be nice.  A nice 19th-century-style confection emporium.  But to give it a little twist, the staff would all be dressed like saucy Victorian whores.  Including the men.

More coffee?  More tea?  No?  You suddenly don’t feel well and have to go home immediately?  Oh, what a shame.  You didn’t try those maple prune things, did you?  That’s a relief.  Why don’t you stop by tomorrow?  Oh, you’ll be busy.  Okay.  How about Saturday?  I see.  That’s so nice of your dentist to be open on the weekend.  Good luck with those root canals.  Want me to come over on Sunday to see how you’re doing after the dental work?  A silent retreat at your church after Mass, how interesting.  Isn’t that funny, I thought you were Jewish.  My mistake.

Well anyway, it was great to visit with you, we’ll have to do this again soon!

129 responses to My most boring post to date

  1. 

    Chocolate chip cookies are always a welcome discussion for a post. Chocolate chocolate chip with Macadamian nuts, beverage half milk half coffee.

  2. 

    Your post is just my speed today. My return back from a trying trip yesterday coincided with the arrival of our liquor order and I have no work to do today. It’s nice to have Scotch in the house… along with rum etc., but whoever came up with the phrase ‘Let’s just have one more’ needs to be shot and pissed on.

  3. 

    If I could dress as a Victorian lady instead of a whore I’d work at your icecream shop. Except I’m afraid of New York. We Canadians have been told that New Yorkers get mugged every second day.

  4. 
    going to andromeda August 30, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Maple prune? Well I bet they laughed at oatmeal raisin at the time too.

  5. 

    If time travel is possible I bet the first place a lot of people will go is back to one of those ice cream parlors. As for the “dressed like saucy Victorian whores. Including the men” bit, all they need to do is check out the ones in 19c Paris!

    Your most boring is still better than the rest of the internet. Well, apart from the prune thingies, they suck. Have a great day Madame W.

    Cheers :)

    • 

      That’s the first place I’d go if I had a time machine, Nigel! The ice cream parlor, that is—not to visit the whores of 19th-century Paris. Not that I’m judging, mind you. Sorry about the prune thingies, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

  6. 

    The maple prune cookies aren’t very good. Plus, they give you the sticky squirts.

  7. 
    a gripping life August 30, 2012 at 8:35 am

    We used to have an old fashioned ice cream parlor in the town I grew up in, but it wasn’t fun because the owner was the stingiest man you could ever meet. He practically counted each sprinkle he put on your ice cream. When you walked in, he gave you the once over, like you were some kind of criminal. Needless to say they eventually went out of business.
    I like a nice, slow, easy post, Weebs. That’s about all my brain can handle today. : )

  8. 

    That is so far from boring it’s not even funny. I like my men…I mean coffee…that way too. ;) The cookies were wonderful. Much better than the ones I don’t make.

    Your ice cream shop sounds wonderful! I will go to New York for it. I would go to New York for your cookies too. And your coffee…

    You know how you were saying you didn’t know which things to whine about for the party? You could whine about them all. I’m doing a top ten list.

    Okay, I caught the random bug. I’d better get off your blog.

    • 

      My pity party ideas are percolating (hey, try saying that 5 times fast!), so I’ll have a pity party post to present soon! So come on over to NY and we’ll have coffee and cookies and stuff ;)

  9. 

    Great now I want to eat my own weight in cookies (that’s what happens when I do eat them).

  10. 

    You like men with no butt? Sign me up for the soda fountain shop thingy, I love dressing like a whore.

  11. 

    That was so boring.. But your cookies were great. Love me some peanut butter with my long strong coffee. I will be there when you open up your Fancy shop. Gotta go watch Issac he is causing some problems for my part of the world Alabama. I’ll be back just to see if you can “up” your game..( great post BTW) Have a great day :)

    • 

      God speed, Mary! There will be more cookies for you upon your return.

      • 

        Oh my I am back..You Madame with your fine cookies and coffee made my trip ever so much better All is good here. Looking forward to this weekend. I kneel/stand in awe of Giants above me… Heck I might learn something about ??? This has been an awesome bloggy day for a mere human to gaze upon. Plus I got so Full of images…

  12. 

    I’ll have a peanut butter cookie and a good coffee…oh wait, you’re i the States…I’ll bring the coffee! :) Will your ice crea parlour have big cushy leather chairs? You know the ones that give you a hug when you sit in them? If so, can I have one scoop of peanut butter ice cream and a scoop of coffee ice cream? That would just about be heaven I think.
    See you after the silent retreat! (waving goodbye)
    Cheers,
    Laura

  13. 

    Even when you have nothing to say, you’re still more intersting than those of us who do. How do you do that?

    Oh, and when you open that ice cream shop, please make a phosphate for me. (I always wondered what those things tasted like.)

  14. 

    That was a whole lot of nothin somethin

  15. 
    whiteladyinthehood August 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Your ramblings are funny – not boring…I’ll have a large glass of sweet tea, please. (I’ve had a terrible week…heavy sigh….one of those ‘every thing I touch gets screwed up’ kinda weeks…maybe we should add a shot of something strong to that tea!) Thanks for the smile, Weebles.

    • 

      Sometimes sweet tea needs to be “sweetened” a little more for medicinal purposes, Chica B. I’m sorry you’ve had one of those weeks. They ain’t fun. Good thing the long weekend is coming up!

  16. 

    Your boring doesn’t even suck – and it was hardly boring…
    COFFEE PLEASE! PB cookie – saucy victorian whore – I want to dress that way for your shop. And can I be your baker?

  17. 

    We’re sisters from another mister or brothers from another mother or however that fucking saying goes…I was in the middle of composing quite similar to this one, except mine was a titch grosser.

    Hurricane Isaac is a huge peen. Huge. I’m glad he’s gone limp though. Wang.

  18. 

    I’m free Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Even your boring is funny. Being a New Yorker can you make Black and White cookies?

  19. 

    Weebs, I’ll take my chocolate chip cookies, hot out of the oven, with a cold glass of milk and some coffee with cream. If you open up your Victorian parlor/sundae bar/bakery, let me know. I’m looking for a job that surrounds me with sweetness, although I’d have to put a lock on the goodies if you know what I’m saying. Thanks, for chat, friend.

  20. 

    It’s okay, I’ll come over on Saturday. And I’ll bring some peaches – we still have huge box. Want to make a crisp?

  21. 

    Since everyone is fixated on your refreshments, I’d like to discuss your gripe with “New York State of Mind”. I am on the fence about its staying power for I agree with you about preferring Sinatra belting “New York, New York”. NYNY is a much more in your face song about this in your face place. I’ve heard NYSoM often enough. I don’t hate it, but it does not thrill me like NYNY — what I think is an overall superior musical composition. On the other hand, maybe if Frank could come back from the dead we’d hear him kick the ass out of that Jay Z-Alicia K collaboration and it will be the new anthem that closes winning Yankees games … Don’t count on it, but then again, you seem to have an open line with dead people, why not attend a seance and speed dial Frank? I’m sure we’d all love to read that post especially when you get to the part about the table levitating.

    • 

      Now here’s a question regarding the issue of the New York Song: which in your opinion is worse: the version of New York, New York by Liza Minelli that they play after the Yankees lose, or the Jay-Z song?

      Having said that, if Frank came back and put his own spin on the Jay-Z number, that would be pretty fucking spectacular. I’ll get a seance together and see if we can scare him up.

      • 

        Have you ever seen the film “New York New York”? I was in physical pain and I rest my case. What Im saying since you’ve had quite a slog of a day is that I think the Yankees do that right — but that was before Liza drowned her pipes in whatever she’s pickled them in (but even though her voice is completely shot to hell now something about her remains endearing to me).

        You should just do a seance for the sake of doing a seance so many super natural things happen to you so regularly. Just throwing that out there.

  22. 

    Cake! Men dressed like Victorian whores! Well dammit, count me in for the grand opening! You know I love me a man dressed like a woman.

    [I got the idea for paragraphing my comments from you btw.]
    You know how you go ‘la la la’ when an ASPCA commercial comes on? Well I do that when that stupid New York song comes on. It’s so commercial, so corny — I hated Alicia Keyes before the song, the song just made it worse. So I love you for feeling the same way, for making prune cookies, and for hiring men dressed like Victorian whores.

    Your random thoughts are hilarious.

    • 

      I want to give you an enormous hug right now, Sandee.

      [new paragraph] It’s such an awful song, isn’t it?? I’m not an Alicia Keys fan, and I’m not a Jay-Z fan either. His voice annoys the shit outta me. Also, he seems like he’s an asshole as a person.

      And yes, I figured you’d enjoy the cake + men in women’s clothes combo! :D

  23. 

    This is anything but boring. No tea or coffee for me, thanks. Do you have any Kool-aid, preferably Cherry, but any kind of red will do.

    Love the idea about the soda shop. I while back I read Stephen Kings latest 11/22/1963. The character gets to go back in time and have freash Root Beer from a soda shop. Sounded like the greatest thing ever.

    • 

      We will of course accommodate your wish for Cherry Kool-Aid, Brother Jon. But you’ll have to drink it from a very ornate crystal glass, as per Victoria customs.

      I’ll have to read that Stephen King story (and gee, based on the title, I wonder what it’s about??). Old-school root beer from a fountain would be fantastic.

      • 

        The fancier the better. I’ll even put my pinky out.

      • 

        I almost forgot. I wanted to comment about the New York song. You should look up Jeremy Renner on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, singing New Your State of mind. Really cool. He’s the guy from The Hurt Locker, The Avengers, Mission Impossible 4, and the new Bourne Movie.

  24. 

    I’ll start working on an old-timey handlebar mustache. Just in case.

  25. 

    I’ll gladly be a customer. You got chocolate; that’s good enough for me. And I’ll be happy to send you some (virtual) cookies which are my specialty: snickerdoodle cookies with peanut M&Ms.

  26. 

    You’re totally entertaining MW, even when you got nothin’. Your nothing is something, or you can make something out of nothing, or mountains out of mole hills, or something like that. But not nothing. =)

  27. 
    Fish Out of Water August 30, 2012 at 11:31 am

    You are so right, Isaac is a major dick. I’ll take tea. Thanks for the heads up on the awful song, and please open the old timey ice cream parlor.

  28. 

    WTH?! No vegan cookies? And don’t you dare tell me the vegan ones were those maple prune things. That’s a horrible thing to do to a person. And there better be ice cream for me at your ice cream parloUr. Coconut milk ice cream is divine.

  29. 

    Ooh, Sinatra’s ghost. I’ll have two chocolate chip cookies, a chocolate milkshake, and Sinatra’s ghost crooning while I savor them all in your ice cream parlor. Thank you for the visual!

    • 

      Hiya Maddie!! Pull up a chair and stay a while. Please help yourself to as many chocolate chip cookies and refillable chocolate milkshakes as you want. Ghost Frank is warming up in his dressing room for the next performance.

  30. 

    Okay, now I just want ice cream and cookies. And bottomless men. You really are a mind entrapper, aren’t you? I wonder what evil deed you’ll program me to do today.

    • 

      Hey Carrie, it’s funny that you should comment now. I was just reading something on TMZ about how Daniel Craig somehow got an advance copy of The Seneca Scourge and he LOVED it. He’s dying to meet the author, so he’d like to invite you to the set of his new movie, Nude Scotland Yard. He baked fresh biscuits (you know, the English kind), just for you.

  31. 

    I am with you on Empire State of Mind; and now I can play your version of Joe Pesci’s voice in my head when it comes on.
    What kind of ice cream flavours would you have at your shop? All the traditional kinds? Maple prune? Mung bean? The gelato place near me features thinks like durian fruit or cheddar cheese. And I think that’s just wrong, Weebs. It makes me cry.

    • 

      You know what I’ll do for you, RG? I’ll go down to the subway with a DVD player and playGoodfellas. This way I can create a funky mix for you.

      And durian fruit? Seriously? Isn’t that one of the Top 3 Most Disgusting Smelling Foods on Earth? WTF??? What kind of twisted freaks run that gelato place?? That’s just vile. No, at my establishment, we’ll have the traditional flavors and some fun newfangled ones, but they’d be more along the lines of Ben & Jerry newfangled—not caramel mung bean crunch or anything.

  32. 

    Hey, you promised boring! I was expecting boring. I want a refund!
    Not really ;-)

  33. 

    Um, you seem to have plenty of likes for a “boring” post….

    Plus I’m with you on “Empire of the mind”.

    • 

      Maybe people are just easily amused today, Elliot. We’re coming up on a holiday weekend so you know, people’s brains are already checking out. And yeah, that song blows.

  34. 

    It is always good to ramble every now and then. I’ll take more coffee.

  35. 

    The big city near us has a Park filled with Heritage buildings. Now and then we go there and enjoy the setting that our grandparents would have grown up in. They have your ice cream parlour there, and a bakery and a one room school. Such a simple life, and very appealing to me. I think I was born a few generations too late.

  36. 

    “I could make a recording of subway trains coming to a screeching halt, with Joe Pesci’s voice dubbed in, and it would still sound nicer than that song. I want the ghost of Frank Sinatra to come down and kick the shit out of Jay-Z for writing that earsore.” Hahahahahaha! Love it, Weebs.

  37. 

    I would totally hang out in your soda shop. Mmm, phosphates.

  38. 

    I like your rambling. I’m with you on this fountain shop.

  39. 

    If that is your most boring post ever, then you might just be the Most Interesting Person I have ever met. I would ramble right along with you at the fountain shop – and we could send hate e-mails to Jay-Z’s publicist. ;)

  40. 

    Frank could JayZee’s ass. I hate that song.
    You would love this place and it is in my most favorite town on earth
    http://www.urbanspoon.com/rph/243/1143476/113845/oregon-pop-s-sweet-shop-ice-cream-pop-s-sweet-shop-ice-cream-photo

    • 

      Ooooh, Pop’s Sweet Shop! Yeah, I’d probably just have the Post Office forward my mail there. And they serve fudge! That’s something I’d have to add to my offerings at the soda fountain/ice cream parlor/bakery: homemade fudge!

  41. 

    Oh, how I hate that song. It definitely doesn’t do New York justice. But at least you guys HAVE songs. I can’t think of one for Seattle, and I don’t know what such a song would even reference. I think all we could really talk about is Microsoft, Starbucks, Boeing, and the rain…. We would definitely need to work on being more dazzling/inspiring/sexy before we think about any sort of song.

    • 

      I never even thought about that—there aren’t that many cities with songs, are there. Seattle should have one—I would imagine it as a moody piece, not the anthem sort of thing.

  42. 

    You saved yourself by mentioning Victorian whores. I love any woman whose breasts are so compacted by a corset that she can kiss the bottom half of either tit.

  43. 

    Sorry, did I spit those prune things in your face? Is that tea dribbling out my nose? So sorry!

  44. 

    I’ll pass on the prune cookies. I’m feeling rather gassy. Or maybe I am just a gas-bag. Hard to tell.

  45. 

    Mmm, cookies. [insert cookie monster sounds here]

    Chocolate chip and macadamia nut are grand. Followed by a slab of devil’s food cake with real buttercream frosting. Followed by a big turtle sundae and then Belgian truffles.

    I gained 15 pounds and developed Type 2 diabetes just writing that….

    Your boring posts easily beat most of my regulars! :)

  46. 

    as they say, ‘when you’re good, you can read the phonebook’ and good you are, as that was enjoyable. and i also love tin ceilings. i think it’s a new yawk thing. lol. xo, sm

  47. 

    hot strong …coffee mmmmm tasty in my house too :) who needs cookies when ya got that?

  48. 

    The sad truth is if you start giving out ice cream and coffee, you will never be rid of me. It wouldn’t even matter what you say. :)

  49. 

    How did I miss that the men AND women were going to be dressed as saucy Victorian whores? Dammit!

  50. 

    Maple prune?! I’m probably the only person who would say this, but those sound delicious. Please pass the plate.

    “strong, hot, and bottomless” … Amen. At least, on the coffee front. I do like a nice male bottom. :)

    “But to give it a little twist, the staff would all be dressed like saucy Victorian whores. Including the men.” … Yes! I’m so there, perhaps with an application.

  51. 

    Sell ice-cream – organic type stuff at rock festival you will make a killing!

  52. 

    When I hit the Powermegaball I am going to build an old fashioned ice cream parlor in my house. Yes I am.

  53. 

    Native New Yorker…..hmmm…I knew there was a reason I liked you! I want the cookie recipe by the way…

  54. 

    Now I’ve always known how damn freakin” funny you are….but your fellow bloggers are equally amazing. Kudos to you all!!!

  55. 

    I’ll have another cuppa, Madame. Let’s talk more about this shop idea. Can we have ice cream cake? I’ve always loved ice cream cake.

  56. 

    Dear Madame Weebles, my site is far too exciting so I was wondering if you are running any classes on boring? What’s that you say? It’s the singer not the song? Ah… what a shame. In that case would you mind if I stay here and have a coffee? White with one thanks. No cookies though, I’m fasting…

  57. 

    Maple Prune? Good Lord!

    And do you know who it was who first decided to put raisins in oatmeal cookies?

    IT WAS THE F***ING DEVIL HIMSELF! Oatmeal cookies are so delicious–why do people insist on ruining them with raisins?

  58. 

    i’d go to that ice cream parlour… bonus if you had a liquor license and could pour a little godiva chocolate liqueur in those milkshakes. kahlua is nice, too.

  59. 

    mmmmmmm maple prune cookies! That sounds awesome. I love prunes. I love Purim cause I get to eat a lot of prune hamentashen!

    Mmmmm ice cream and cake! Please do open an old-fashioned soda shop!

    Oh, and coffee for me. But you already knew that.

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