Fuck you, pantyhose

Madame Weebles —  September 24, 2012 — 160 Comments

I plan on having a new “Fuck you” post every Friday, but this post had to be postponed from last Friday because of the blogging duel.  So better late than never.

This is a post mainly for the ladies, although there may be some male readers who have had first-hand experience with pantyhose.  That’s cool, I don’t judge.  But if you’re not one of those gentlemen, this post will probably be of little interest.  So for your enjoyment, I offer this classic:

And now for today’s “Fuck You.”

I loathe you, pantyhose.  You come in only two sizes:  Elephant Leg and Death Grip.  They both suck ass.  You have no redeeming features.  NONE.  You’re hot and sweaty, even in the winter.  You haven’t the slightest idea how to fit.  You pinch, bind, constrict, sag, bunch, and twist up inexplicably . . . why don’t you just jam bamboo strips under my fingernails, you hateful little shit?

And you know the worst thing about you, you stupid hose?  You’re weak and pathetic.  I can put on a brand-new pair of you and you start to run immediately.  I might be able to distract you briefly with a dab of clear nail polish, but invariably you freak out and run somewhere else.  Sometimes you spontaneously form giant holes just for funsies.  Thanks for wasting my money, you fucking losers.  I lost count of how many mornings you made me late for work, how many times you caused me to curse uncontrollably, how many times I wanted to rip you into shreds, set you on fire, and dump your ashes in that mystery liquid on the subway tracks.

Here’s how much you suck: criminals wear you over their heads so people can’t tell what they look like.  So you’re either directly causing harm by inflicting massive discomfort and misery when we wear you, or you’re indirectly causing harm by aiding and abetting felons.  Good job, assholes.

You’re proof that if there is a God, he’s definitely male.  Because a female God would never have allowed you to exist.  You are to humans what Windows is to PC users—we hate you, but we use you because we don’t have many alternatives.  I pray for the day when women everywhere realize how horrific you are and decide to banish you from the face of the earth.  You deserve it.  You’ve enraged us long enough.

Fuck you, you odious pieces of nylon.  Fuck you a lot.

160 responses to Fuck you, pantyhose

  1. 

    I fucking love this…alot!

  2. 

    they truly are the most uncomfortable piece of shits…that is why I only wear pants.. no nonsense my ass

  3. 

    As a guy, I too hate panty hose.
    Too much work to get off.

  4. 

    Apparently they are good for cleaning with… but I hate that too! Jen

  5. 

    The mystery of why we, as a human society, cannot create pantyhose that doesn’t run remains. I mean, we can watch an endless number of cat videos that stream miraculously to little phones that we carry around with us, but we can’t make pantyhose that you can wear more than once?? I share the outrage.

  6. 

    The only thing pantyhose are good for…removing deodorant marks from that black top you *just* put on.

  7. 

    Here, let me put the wife on….

    Hi, wife here – I completely agree and sympathise – after travelling a fair distance to attend a friends wedding I realised I’d left my specially purchased for the event stockings at home. I managed to wrangle some kidfree time the morning of the wedding to go purchase another pair only to have them run before I could get completely dressed. To add to the disaster I discover I hadn’t grabbed the twin pack I thought I grabbed and thus had to subject the poor wedding guests to my ghastly white legs that haven’t seen the light of day all winter

    • 

      Hello Mrs. Aussie!! Believe me, I feel your pain. I think those pantyhose run on purpose, to be honest. Just to fuck with us. I’m sorry for your wedding experience, I hope you’ve recovered. Thanks for visiting!

  8. 

    My favorite is when the crotch insists they belong where teenage males where their crotch. Its a bugger when they are hanging lower than the hem of your skirt.

  9. 

    YES! YES! YES! However, spider-web black tights and fishnets with Doc Martin boots rock.

  10. 

    I agree with you Weebles. I find them very uncomfotable when I knock over liquor stores. Next time I’m gonna go with the Nixon mask.

  11. 

    Although I sympathize, thus feel your pain – I’ve never worn them.

  12. 

    Sounds to me as though you are describing congressmen and senators.

  13. 

    hahaha! I noticed while riding the Tube in London that most women don’t even wear pantyhose, even in the dead of winter. They just rock the bare leg, imperfections and all. Throw those pumps on and you’re good to go. Perhaps we should follow their lead? I’m game, Weebs, you in?

  14. 

    Good one, Weebs. In the summer, I don’t wear hose. In the winter, I wear tights. At least they don’t run. My problem is: with a 34 in inseam, getting them to fit where the crotch doesn’t hang half-way down my thighs is the trick. Pantyhose were definitely not made for long-legged women.

    • 

      Wow, you’re a tall drink of water, Cathy! Tights are infinitely better than hose. But I have the same problem as you with hose and I’m 5’7″, it’s not even like I’m all that tall. My feeling is that pantyhose weren’t constructed for people who want any sort of comfort or proper fit. Meh.

      • 

        I’m 5’9″ but all legs. Meh is right. But here’s a question for you, Madame Historian. I wonder when pantyhose were invented? I’m thinking they came out around the time of the miniskirt because garters and stockings just didn’t work with short skirts. No they’re not designed for comfort or to fit anyone and for me, living in a semi-arid climate and washing my hands all day as a bodyworker, I have never been able to put them on without snagging from some hangnail or something. Double Meh.

  15. 

    I cannot remember the last time I wore panty-hose. I wear those black opaque hose in the winter if I wear a dress or skirt, but panty-hose? Shudder. I remember L’eggs, the ones that came in eggs. They sucked too. They all sucked, but they do make one’s legs look smoother. Nah, I’m with Grippy. I’m just going to rock my imperfections.

  16. 

    Ben-ny Hill! Ben-ny Hill! Aww I miss that great man.

    Sorry, what was this post about again?

  17. 

    I wear them when out running in the winter.

  18. 

    GOOD CALL. Seriously, fuck all hosiery. It gives me high blood pressure because of every reason you’ve said, and it makes me feel kind of claustrophobic. Also, having to put on pantyhose in front of a man is just like….yikes. I was surprised he even wanted to still be with me after that. There was a whole lot of jumping and then the result is that it goes up to my boobs all Urkel style (and if it doesn’t–muffin top).

  19. 

    Men don’t like them, either. They tend to get in the way.

  20. 

    I haven’t worn nylons in years. I don’t work in an office and rarely go anywhere that dress attire is expected. I said fuck you to hose years ago and I don’t regret it in the least. :-)
    P.S. Love surroundedbyimbeciles comment.

  21. 

    Thankfully I haven’t worn any in years and years. I’m one of these ‘old folk’ who wear… wait for it… yep, socks! ;)

    By the way… you might want to read this, if this is gonna be a series… http://en.support.wordpress.com/mature-content/

  22. 

    This is why I have a Mac. A.k.a. Pants.
    I have maybe 6 pairs of nylons, tights and other monstrosities hiding in my sock drawer. As a woman of tallish stature, I always struggled with “dropped crotch” syndrome. Nothin’ like a gusset around your knees to bring the hotties running.

  23. 

    Man you are fecking funny

  24. 

    I think I may have last worn pantyhose 30 years ago when I was still 2% bisexual. I’m short but I recall the dropped crotch syndrome Sara and Wanda B describes. Possibly it was pantyhose, that horrible misogynist, that turned me 100% lesbian.

  25. 

    Oh I haven’t worn pantyhose since the ’80s. I say, burn ‘em. Along with my bra, it’s not doing its job anymore either.

  26. 

    Pantyhose: one of the things I gave up for Lent years ago. Right about the time I gave up caring if my legs were tan enough to expose. When pantyhose first came out, they were great because we could then wear our mini-skirts without having to tug them to cover the garters at the tops of our nylons, so we could sort of get away with wearing those minis to school. Looonnnngggg time ago! xoM

  27. 
    Change My Body...Change My Life September 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Windows and PC users – perfect analogy. I can feel myself getting uncomfortable just thinking about those freaking hose. Can’t wait for your next FU post.

  28. 

    Oh, yes–behind you all the way. I can’t stand being confined in any manner, and that includes pantyhose and Spanx. This is why I only wore pants to work. Can’t remember the last time I’ve worn pantyhose. I feel bad for those women in jobs where they’re expected to wear skirts and can’t go bare-legged.

  29. 

    I was kind of hoping you’d avoid the ‘aiding and abetting’ angle, Madame…
    because I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about that…
    er… um…
    you know…

  30. 

    I wonder…if Apple designed pantyhose, would we wait in line to buy them? I’m with the black tights in winter and bare legs in summer crowd, but bare feet in pumps is a blister waiting to happen so then you go on the hunt for little toe-covering socklettes. They exist! They are amazing.

    • 

      HA! iHose. They’d be just as obnoxious as any other Apple product, I suspect. And twice as expensive as any other pantyhose. I must search for those socklettes, they sound like a dream come true. Because you’re right, bare feet in high heels is a nightmare. Thanks for the tip, JM!

  31. 

    Pantyhose come from a land where hamburgers are served without ketchup and Satan roams the streets uninhibited.

  32. 

    I used to kind of love pantyhose after starting off with nylons and garters (yeah, yeah, I’m really 110 years old). But I haven’t worn them in years, and only keep a pair on hand for when I wear a dress to a funeral. You’ve heard the saying, “being on the hot seat.” One of my girlfriends was being reamed out by the boss in his office one day. She sweated buckets and said her pantyhose literally disintegrated under her ass. Who knew?

    • 

      YIKES!!!! I never heard of hose that actually disintegrated, Maddie. That’s disgusting. But as I mentioned to Margarita above, I can see how they’d be nice after wrestling with nylons and garters for so long. Until you realize how they present their own special brand of misery.

  33. 

    Having testicles, the greatest excuse not to wear tight fitting clothing. Now I can’t stop thinking about balls poking through tight see-through pantyhose.

  34. 

    This is why I don’t wear pantyhose or pants for that matter.

  35. 

    The -pantyhose are to humans as Microsoft is to PC users thing- …. BURN! I laughed in an audible manner at this post and enjoyed it thoroughly. I only hope I am not found out and thus fired for WordPressing at work.

  36. 

    Pantyhose are the 8th deadly sin.. I have not put those fucking things on my legs in over 20 years and I cringe at all the L’eggs I used to have bobbling around in my dresser.. I shudder..

  37. 

    Fuck You posts………What a great concept! Loving it and so fucking hating pantyhose.

  38. 

    I’ve never had a problem with them – you just have to shave your legs and then put some gel deodorant on your legs before you put them on, and… um….

    Anyone see that blowout this weekend?

  39. 

    I have some for the occasions that demand them, but they are pathetic. Tights are better, but can still be a pain when nature calls.

    Unfortunately I’m not one of those women who can wear pumps with bare feet. Can you say massive pain? So it means finding some of those footies that won’t peek out from the shoes—not an easy task.

    • 

      I know what you mean, JM. Tights aren’t bad but still a drag at times. But they’re better than sustaining massive blisters from wearing heels with bare feet, that’s for damned sure.

  40. 

    The only thing worse is footies! They rumble, slip, and usually show…and get those holes in the toe.
    Have to suffer stupid hose with pumps.(love that line “rip you into shreds, set you on fire, and dump your ashes in that mystery liquid on the subway tracks.”
    Vote for tights or tall boots.

  41. 

    Me, I go for the (unintentionally) rolled down knee-hi’s so that I can remember and resemble generations of women past and passed.

  42. 

    Are we telling all sheer, stretchy leg wear to fuck off here, or do tights squeak by on the allowable? I have to admit I have a soft spot for them. Eliminates leg shaving in the winter! Keeps your lady parts off the metro seats! Filters your camera when you forget a lens! Why, I can think of a thousand uses.

  43. 

    i learned that skipping panty hose was perfectly ok after a business trip to Phoenix in August. the women wore long, billowy skirts and flats. probably had little fans running up there to cool the equipment.

    fuck pantyhose, indeed. and let’s not even talk about Spanx, and the waistline-to-the-nipples rig that NEVER stays put, and pops under the ol’ bellyfat like a rubber band when you’re in the middle of a presentation.

    hypothetically speaking, of course.

    • 

      Of course it’s all hypothetical. You hear tell of things like this happening to people, that’s all. I can’t imagine anyone in Phoenix (or anywhere in the southwestern US for that matter) subjecting themselves to hosiery of any kind. Or Spanx. Those garments should be abolished. Do you see the guys at Gitmo wearing this shit? No. Why should we be less comfy than detainees?

  44. 

    A brilliantly timed post, Madame. I was just thinking of branching out from my tedious wardrobe, but now I think I’ll stay with the common-all-garden socks and trousers look. It’ll probably work out better on the weird looks from co-workers front too.

    Glad to see you back :)

    Cheers!

    • 

      Hi Nigel!! I’m so glad to see you!! How’s the fast draft coming along? Yes, I heartily recommend that you avoid wearing pantyhose. Especially in Texas. For so many reasons.

      • 

        The first 40k was a breeze, then I started to get pains in my wrists and fingers. So the last 10k has taken 2 weeks. Next time I’m going to middle-of-the-road, just-below-the-speed-limit it. Either that of try a clip-on Vulcan mind probe.

        I’d better go now, otherwise the overuse-of-hyphens mafia will be down on me like a ton-of-bricks.

        You had lots of awesome posts, but Mr Weebles was a seriously good one for them to pick. You deserve a good deal of pressing (in the nicest possible sense, of course) :)

        Cheers!

        • 

          Personally, I applaud your use of hyphens because you use them correctly. I hope your wrists recover from the typing frenzy, but well done on the 50K. And thank you, as always, for your kind words, Nigel. Looking forward to seeing you posting again soon!

  45. 

    so…i was walking down the boardwalk in Ocean City MD this summer…95 degree day. woman walks by in shorts and pantyhose. Should I have called the men in the rubber truck????

  46. 

    Pantyhose DO suck, but we need to remember that the coloured ones are really cool, plus without them how would we wear skirts in winter. It is annoying when they are too short though, or too baggy and sag around the crotch. Plus they look totally ridiculous. I have a bright pink pair that my bf tells me make my legs look like sausages. Hot, right?

  47. 

    I once wrote a manual on panty hoses on my blog as well :). I haven’t been in so much trouble with them yet, but it could change anytime. Mostly I wear pants anyway…

  48. 

    this made me laugh so hard i nearly wet my non-pantyhose wearing ass!

  49. 

    I can’t tell you how many times Pantyhose have made me late for a Halloween party…and don’t get me started on high heels!
    You made my morning …!

  50. 

    Lucky for me, I haven’t had to wear pantyhose in a really long time. I do wear tights, but they’re at least made with lycra, so there’s some sturdiness built in (which is good, because I am hell on all delicate fabrics).

    • 

      I know what you mean, purplemary—it’s so easy to destroy pantyhose, at least tights are a little more durable. I don’t really wear hose or tights, though, it’s just easier that way.

  51. 

    Haven’t worn ‘em in years. But I was permanently turned off pantyhose in the early 80s when we had a flasher who used to hang around the university campus. Remember the coloured pantyhose in the 80s? His fashion choice was raspberry. All-sheer. Thanks for reminding me.

    Though frankly, I laughed my ass off at the time, and it still makes me snicker. But hell yeah, I’ll join the chorus on this one: Fuck you, pantyhose!

  52. 

    How did I miss this post? Aiding and abetting criminals! Thankfully I rarely have reason to wear pantyhose, although that may be changing in the very near future.

  53. 

    Testifying again—brilliant! How much do I love this post? Too much! Thanks for the laugh and for voicing what we all feel! I am now a Weebles follower!
    Val

  54. 

    Hate. Hate. Pantyhose. Being barely over 5ft. tall – elephant leg (which made me.laugh.my.ass.off) was the Worst! Try to hitch them up all day, only to find the more you tug on them the more they stretch! and the more you tug on them, the more they rip!

  55. 

    Didn’t women donate their nylons to the WWII effort for making parachutes? I can imagine no tears were shed for giving THAT up.

  56. 

    M. Weebles, as it happens I can share your pain to some small degree. Although I do not wear pantyhose as a rule (I’m at once instance…so far), during my freshman year of college, events conspired so that I had to wear a pair for an evening. I’m not sure if it’s changed, but at that time the sizes ended at 6’0. My legs had all the charm of an overstuffed sausage.
    That night I passed out in a puddle of my own sick. Of all the shameful situations in which I’ve had the misfortune to awaken, this one is likely paramount among them.
    Ah, to be young again.
    So I hear you about them panty-hose, sister!

  57. 

    I think I’m going to enjoy these Fuck You Fridays. . . Keep ‘em coming!

  58. 

    Hello, Mrs. American,
    I was pointed to our blog via WP Freshly Pressed: Editors’ Picks for September 2012, liked the one and started reading other posts. Nice to read and very interesting points of view for me, being European.
    Now to help you out of your pantyhose-problem I suggest to wear Wolford and you will never ever say a bad word against pantyhoses.
    Trust me! Good luck & best wishes from Vienna.

  59. 

    Love it!
    I banned them from my wardrobe years ago and will not accept any occupation that requires me to wear them! On the cruiseships in the Caribbean they make the crew wear them…that was a deal breaker for my aspiring career, haha.

    • 

      I just took a quick peek at your blog for now (I will take a longer look later) and holy cow, you have an interesting life, lady. Sorry about the hose putting the kibosh on that particular career, but I think you made the right choice!!

  60. 

    This is so god damn funny!! I hate pantyhose as much as I hate the fat that rolls over the top of them. I found a pair of thigh highs in Paris that were the most amazing, comfortable, and durable alternatives to pantyhose, bully for me I only bought one pair, and then there were none…
    Just found your blog on a recommendation from Arty Old Bird, so glad I did…your fabulous!!

    • 

      Oy, don’t get me started on the overspill over the top of pantyhose. I tried thigh highs once, but they weren’t good ones, and they started sliding down my legs as I walked. Not an attractive look. I’m so glad you came to visit from Val’s blog–I hope you’ll visit again!

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