Search terms: Insane Weebles edition

Madame Weebles —  September 28, 2012 — 144 Comments

Since my last post on search terms, another crop of nutjobs has been hard at work trying to get the 411 on some deeply strange subjects.  Many are Weeble-related search terms so I’m grouping them according to Category of Weirdness.

In the “It’s Weevils, Not Weebles, You Pinheads” Category:
how to get rid of weebles
weeble spray
weeble bug killer
weeble bugs in flour

So this means that people truly don’t know the difference between bugs that infest flour and/or cotton crops, and small toys that wobble but don’t fall down.  I weep for humanity.

In the “Sweet Fancy Moses, What Is WRONG With You!?” Category:
pictures of sleeping weebles
weeble torture
weebles never spill the blood of christ
weebles dying under the skin of a horse
chick masturbates with weebles

Who ARE these people???  Sleeping Weebles?  Weeble torture?  What the fuck??  Are they aware that Weebles aren’t actually living creatures?  “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” baffles me because I’m not sure how that’s possible.  I’ve been to Mass, and the eucharistic ministers were pretty good but they had hands with opposable thumbs.  How would Weebles be able to manage NOT to spill the blood of Christ?  Then we have Weebles dying under the skin of a horse.  I’m not sure if I feel sadder for the Weebles or the horse.  How do Weebles get under the skin of a horse, anyway?  What sick bastard put them there, and why?

And the chick who masturbates with Weebles.  Where do I begin?  Obviously she’s running the risk of getting Weebles lodged in some unusual places.  This is not an easy thing to explain to one’s ob/gyn.  Also, for the love of all that is good and decent, I hope she doesn’t let her kids play with those particular Weebles.

If these searches continue, I’m going to establish the ASPCW (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Weebles).  Because this is just wrong.

Now for the more random search terms:

redneck elevator
I think this would be a great name for a Japanese punk band.  Aside from that, I’m in favor of redneck-only elevators—this way the rest of us don’t have to be trapped with them.

if your vagina is as big as my hand
I’m curious.  Does this person have really tiny hands or freakishly large, acromegaly-type hands?

good day for a regatta if i was a douche
I’ll bet plenty of douches do, in fact, enjoy regattas.  I love this line because it can be adapted for use in so many situations:  “It would be a good day to talk at the top of lungs on my cell phone if I was a douche,”  “It would be a good day to wear Axe Body Spray if I was a douche,” and so on.

this is a law office we don’t use comic sans
I kind of like the idea of lawyers who use Comic Sans.  You know they wouldn’t take themselves too seriously.  They might not even really have law degrees.

america because fuck you
This should replace E pluribus unum as our official U.S. motto.

144 responses to Search terms: Insane Weebles edition

  1. 

    You have the best search terms

  2. 

    Maybe masterbating with Weebles is the next big internet fetish…I could only picture their smiling egg shaped faces turing into shocked faces when she is done.

  3. 

    Search terms are too funny, you should see how people get’s to my blog.

  4. 

    Oh. My. Gawd. Your commentary on the “chick masturbates with weebles” search had me near tears.
    Sick bastards.

  5. 

    You have me laughing enough I missed something worthwhile on the tube. Well done Weebs … heck, I’ve never look at mine … thanks for the suggestion. BTW – hope you saw the wine recommendations.

  6. 

    awww I don’t get any like this…or maybe I do and they’re just ‘unknown search terms’ such a shame! Someone must protect these innocent weebles though lets set it up :P

  7. 

    Interesting search terms. I should wonder what most people are searching for when typing in something that has “chick masturbates with weebles.” Kinda makes one afraid for humanity….

  8. 

    Once again, I am terribly jealous of your search terms.

    And rednecks should take the stairs.

  9. 

    Still laughing. I think the “Good day for a (fill in the blank) if I was a douche” warrants an entire blog post of its own. The possibilities are endless.

  10. 

    When I’m on the run and I need a fix of your site, all I search is “weebles rack”. Check it out.

  11. 

    You’re right, that is a perfect type band name.

  12. 

    I’m still laughing at “Sweet Fancy Moses.” I’m gonna try and incorporate that into my day.
    I’ve never looked at my search terms… How can, “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” be topped? Simply, it can’t.

    • 

      I have to admit, Grippy, I can’t take credit for “Sweet fancy Moses” — that’s a Seinfeldism, one of my favorites. It’s a good one, isn’t it??

      I truly have no idea how the words “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” were ever strung together. I’ll go to my grave wondering about this one.

  13. 

    What a great way to start my day! Laughing out loud in Starbucks here :) My favourite recent search term was “Naked girls in Victoria, BC.” They must have been deeply disappointed when they got to my blog :)

    • 

      Hi Delicious! I don’t think I’ve had “naked” in any of the search terms yet, but it’s probably only a matter of time before someone wants to get off on seeing naked Weebles. Your blog is lovely, by the way, even without the naked girls in Victoria, BC.

  14. 

    “I kind of like the idea of lawyers who use Comic Sans. You know they wouldn’t take themselves too seriously. They might not even really have law degrees.” THAT cracks me up! :) Very Funny Post.

  15. 

    Aaaargh, the world is filled with freaks!

  16. 

    I always adore your search term results. I think weebles instead of weevils and chick masturbating with weebles are my favorites!

  17. 

    Lots of interesting stuff. Of course, I am the sick fuck who wants to know why the masturbating woman in infatuated with weebles.

    Hey, did being Freshly Pressed blow up your blog?

  18. 

    No one should be mean to Weebles. You do have some funky, weird search terms, Weebs. I do like the idea of lawyers using Comic Sans and commercials geared toward it. It’d be better than the ones that tout that “tough” guy kind of law. Funny post!

    • 

      I will make you a founding member of the ASPCW, Brigitte. And Comic Sans would be a nice change of pace, wouldn’t it? The commercial for those lawyers would be fun: “We’re Flotsam and Jetsam, Personal Injury Lawyers. And we’re not afraid of Comic Sans.”

  19. 

    I thought that’s what E pluribus unum means…xoM

  20. 

    A friend who works as a paramedic told me a fascinating story about a guy and an eggplant. People are strange, quite strange. They’ll say they aren’t creative, but when they’re horny, suddenly they’re extremely… um… creative. Yep, I’ve said enough.

  21. 

    Brilliant as always. You know it’s only a matter of time before a weeble shows up on an xray, stuck up someone’s bum because they “accidentally fell” on it. Oh, and I loved the way you snuck in the word ‘acromegaly.’ One of my favorites, actually.

  22. 

    America because Fuck You is amazing. Amazing! Just the fact that someone typed that into a computer is giving me reason to live today.

  23. 

    I don’t even have anything clever to say because you used up everyone’s clever quota for the day writing this. This. Is. Hilarious. Long live imbecilic Googlers!

  24. 

    I was feeling all left out because the only search term I’ve had lately is “google images of the inquisition.” And then I read about masturbating with weebles search term and felt decidedly better. And no, I was NOT the source of that search term.

  25. 

    Inappropriate, shoulder shaking, silent laughing going on at work this morning. Good day for a regatta if I was a douche? what in heaven’s name? That one almost put me over the edge into guffawing loud laughing. And the horse thing is very distressing as is spilling the blood of Christ. whoa. hahaha

  26. 

    Weebles you made my day. Where to begin. Another classic.

  27. 

    “weebles never spill the blood of christ”
    Well, they don’t! It’s in their creed.

  28. 

    I have never thought to check these silly things! I do hope the word “douche” does show up in mine however….that would make my year….I love that word.

  29. 

    Your search terms are way more interesting than mine! I got nothin’ that compares to these. :) Thanks for the great (but somehow disturbing) laughs today!

  30. 

    “weebles never spill the blood of christ” – that is awesome (and no I’m not religious). I’m going to have to check my search terms for crazy stuff again, but I don’t have as many as yours!

  31. 

    “america because fuck you”is my favourite. If only they had properly punctuated it so we *really* knew what they meant. hahaha. You have scary reader Madam Weebles. I am impressed.

    (Does this mean I am scary?)

  32. 

    The random in me loves the skin of a horse one. Why. I ask myself…

  33. 

    I’m just wondering why someone would even do a search on “this is a law office we don’t use comic sans.” I mean it’s not even a question, but I’m with you. I like the idea. Might brighten up the day of some hardened criminal awaiting appeal…

    • 

      At first I thought maybe it was a quote from a movie or something, but it doesn’t seem to be. It’s just weird. But it could be a nice thing to brighten the day of someone in need of legal counsel, right?

  34. 

    My search engine terms look like they were used by librarians, ministers, and Walmart greeters. Yours are much more exciting. And odd.

  35. 

    OMG, I need to figure out how to play an instrument in a punk band.
    And I need to figure out how to become Japanese.
    Srsly jealous of your awesome search terms. These blog posts practically write themselves. My absolute fave that I ever got (and thusly wrote a post on) was “anal stretching meme.” The person who searched for that needs to get together with the masturbating-with-weebles chicks.

    • 

      If you ever learn to play an instrument AND find a way to become Japanese, Lyssapants, I will make sure to be at your first gig.

      “Anal stretching meme” is a keeper, for sure. I wish we could set up a matchmaking service for these folks, they’d have such a good time.

  36. 

    Oh my god, I’m so envious. The best I have is “slutty butt plug” and how does that even compare to “weebles never spill the blood of christ?” It doesn’t.

    • 

      See, I would have thought you’d have some EPIC search terms, speaker7, with the 50 Shades recraps and all. How is that possible?? “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” will always puzzle me. I want to find this person and understand. Or maybe not.

  37. 
    Change My Body...Change My Life September 28, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    OMG I’m sitting out in my yard with dinner on the barbecue laughing like a freaking maniac. I hope the neighbours don’t decide to sign a petition about me…

  38. 

    ha ha ha too funny. There’s nothing that funny that ever appears in my search terms…mind you, I haven’t checked them in awhile. :-)

    • 

      Oh, Wendy, you must have some crazy funny stuff in your search terms–check it out!!

      • 

        Actually, I only had one or two things and they weren’t funny at all. Mind you, I noticed that about 1/2 of my posts didn’t have any tags on them. I’m slowly fixing that and hopefully that will make a difference. :-)

  39. 

    wow. um… WOW

    People are… um… disgusting. I mean, it makes for a hilarious post for you but the fact that there were people doing those searches…

  40. 

    As a ‘noob’ I’m still waiting for my first ‘search term’. Hey – I’ll take anything at this point. OK, maybe not – I might never get ‘chick masterbates with soup’ out of my head. :/

    • 

      Oh dear, I hope that isn’t one of your search terms, that would be extra icky! But trust me, in time I’m sure you’ll find a wide variety of extremely peculiar search terms in your dashboard!

  41. 

    You actually are lucky.. I get everything related to a damn penny.. the latest, “pictures of defective penny”.. Well I never, are they referring to my picture? :-)

    • 

      What’s with the penny obsession? They’re not the most useful of coins, really. And of course they could not possibly by referring to your picture! If I thought they were, I’d track them down and bitch-smack them for you.

  42. 

    I’m so envious. I haven’t had even one really interesting nutjob visit my blog yet. What am I doing wrong? All I get is people looking for chocolate mousse and cake.

  43. 

    Excellent. I consider it a good day on my blog when the top five search terms include at least one that doesn’t have the words “penis” and “son” in it.

  44. 

    You’ve got to put one of those ratings things on your blog, y’know. Those things with five stars (or whatever you want to display) and I’ll click ‘5’ on this, for ‘excellent’.

    I’m gonna have to log into facebook and twitter and bring more and more people here now, aren’t I? (That’s rhetorical. Curious how ‘rhetorical’ is never a search term. Logging into fb and tw isn’t rhetorical. Nor is… oh well, you’ll just have to wait and see!)

    Weebles. Weevils. I had one of those on my kitchen wall the other night. A weevil, I mean. (Though it could have been a weeble, I didn’t look that closely. How does one go about getting rid of weebles, anyway? ;) )

    • 

      You, Val, are an extremely kind, generous, and gracious person. Thank you!

      I’ve never actually seen a real-live weevil. I hope you only had that one, rather than a bunch of them. As for Weebles, they’re pesky little things to get rid of. You can try to push them away but they keep popping right back up! :D

  45. 

    Something about “Weeble spills the blood of Christ” just speaks to me. Never mind that it’s speaking in tongues.

  46. 

    100th comment what’s my prize?

  47. 

    101st comment where I actually say something.

    I never get that many strange search terms anymore. It’s always stuff about big goats which I have never understood. I had a teacher who hated comic sans and said he’d fail us if we ever used it. I don’t know where the hate comes from, I feel bad for the font.

  48. 

    Weebles DO bear an odd resemblence to various and assorted sex toys. But i swear, it wasn’t me! REALLY wasn’t me… that’s disgusting…. yeah. totally disgusting…

  49. 

    Okay, the regatta search comment is brilliant on its own. Secondly, you can’t blame fans of Weeble Torture for finding you. I’ll remind you that your header is pretty rough!

  50. 
    whiteladyinthehood September 30, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Hilarious!

  51. 

    I’m left with a new sense of awe in how adaptable these Weebles are. So many (frankly suprising) uses, so little time. Just to right the balance of ludicrous search terms I shall search “Weeble axe murder” everyday in the hope of finding your site.

    Cheers!

    • 

      Greetings, Nigel! I know, they’re versatile little creatures, these Weebles. I still have to do an updated photo of the Board of Directors, too. I will let you know if “Weeble axe murder” shows up in my search terms.

      Now, when are you coming back to blogging???

  52. 

    If I was a lawyer I would only use Papyrus.
    I’m classy like that.

  53. 

    When I first saw “chick masturbates with weebles,” I thought it was referring to a chick that hatches out of an egg, which segued into wondering if chickens masturbate. Oh God why didn’t I just ignore the alarm clock this morning?

  54. 

    This ain’t right — oh Mme. Weebles I’m scared…

  55. 

    Firstly, what kind of sick morons are searching for these things? What goes through their heads when they search? Actually, I don’t think I want to know.
    And secondly, side-splittingly funny. So funny I had to make up the word ‘splittingly’ just to describe it!

  56. 

    “If your vagina is as big as my hand.” There are only two reasons someone is looking for this: their wife just had a baby or they want to fist their wife. Either way, good on them for doing some research.

    Totally agree about that last one needing to be America’s motto. That HAS to go in a Canadica post.

  57. 

    My blog is too normal. The weirdest search term that I have has something to do with “camping out Jack White store Nashville”, which just means someone is more of a stalker than I am. That one about weebles and the blog of Christ though … my oh my.

    • 

      Hey Mo! I keep getting behind on comments, I’m so sorry! Yes, search terms really do make you wonder about the sanity (or lack thereof) of people, doesn’t it? Meanwhile, did Jack White ever make an appearance at a store in Nashville where people camped out to see him? Just curious. It seems like there would be easier ways of stalking him. ;)

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