And as a nation, we’re at a crossroads; we’re still a superpower but our place on the global stage has changed. The rest of the world perceives us as the big bully in the playground. We no longer have the street cred we once had. Our economy is in the toilet and shows no signs of recovery. There is much reason for Americans to be concerned about their future.
But buck up, little campers! I want to remind you about some of the things that still make us the Greatest Country in the World. Writing this post cheered me immensely and I know it will make your hearts swell with patriotic pride:
- We are the world’s leading producers, consumers, and exporters of pornography. FUCK YEAH!
- Coca-Cola has reached more people worldwide than Jesus. Now you think about that. There are literally more Coke drinkers than Christians in the world. What other country in history can claim THAT kind of power?
- There are more UFO sightings reported in the United States each year than in any other country. We may not be popular with the other Earthlings, but ET knows what’s up.
- Say what you want about America, we still make a damn fine cigarette. And as a bonus, our cancer sticks have more carcinogens than cigarettes from any other country! That’s some serious potency.
- Americans have more plastic surgery than anyone else. Sure, the Brazilians are catching up with us, but I’m not worried. I have faith that my people will continue to lead the world in body dysmorphism for many years to come.
- Our ongoing commitment to making the world safe. We kill for peace, bitches.
On a slightly less sardonic note: With all due respect to our brethren in Canada and the UK, where satire is a national sport, Americans can skewer people like nobody’s business. Sites like The Onion and The Oatmeal, shows like The Colbert Report and The Daily Show, and a lot of you guys, especially our very own Promethean Times… I salute you, my sarcastic brothers and sisters!
So go forth, wear those American flag pins, and be proud. We’re still number one.