Demons and ghosts

Madame Weebles —  November 16, 2012 — 169 Comments

(This is not a post about actual demons or ghosts, by the way, sorry.)

There must be something in the air/water/pixels these days.  Maybe it’s the colder weather, less daylight, the upcoming holidays, or a combination of things.  But everyone seems to be having a particularly rough time lately.  Depression, anxiety, life problems, etc.  Other bloggers have eloquently described their own struggles lately, and I wanted to be one of the cool kids so now I’m taking my turn.  I’m not writing this to elicit sympathetic comments; I’m doing it for myself, as an act of defiance, as it were.

We all carry demons and ghosts with us.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  The thoughts that cause us to doubt, fear, flee, self-destruct, etc.  The memories of awful events that cause us pain each time we recall them.  They live in our brains.  Some are louder than others, some are more powerful than others.

My demons have been with me for as long as I can remember.  Some have taunted me since I was very young, others have popped up only sporadically over the years.  The ghosts of people and experiences from my past appear over and over as if they were still real, to remind me of the awful things have happened—and could happen again.

Not long ago, I realized that these demons and ghosts, as destructive as they are, have been trying to protect me—in their own twisted way.

Don’t talk about yourself.  Distract people.  If they got to know you, they’d be disappointed.  It will only hurt you.

Don’t draw attention to yourself.  It will only make people aware of your flaws.  And they’ll end up hurting you.

If you take a risk and stick your neck out, you’ll just get your head cut off.  Don’t do it.

Everyone else is smarter, funnier, more interesting, more successful, prettier, thinner, and generally better than you are.  You need to remember this so you won’t be disappointed when you’re rejected.

This person reminds me of So-and-So for some reason.  Remember how he/she hurt you?  So stay away from this one so you don’t get hurt again.

When someone is mean to you or leaves you, it’s probably your fault somehow.  It’s not them, it’s you.  The only solution is to stay away from people so bad things don’t happen.

Remember that time?  This is just like that.  Get out of this before something bad happens again.

See what I mean?  They’re vicious.  But they’re worried about me getting hurt.  They base their information on my past experiences but they’re looking at everything through a really skewed, negative lens.  They know that telling me I’m worthless is upsetting, but they think it’s less upsetting than if I were to hear it from someone else.

I blindly obeyed them for a long, long time.  I trusted that they were keeping me safe from further pain and rejection.  It’s taken me a long time—and a lot of therapy—to look these demons and ghosts square in the eye and say, “I get what you were doing, and I think you meant well.  Thanks for trying to help me, but you have to go away now.”  They’re stubborn, though, and they don’t go quietly.  They’re also not the most rational things, these demons and ghosts.  You can’t reason with them.  The only thing you can do is forcibly evict them.

The funny thing is, if you met me in real life, chances are you wouldn’t suspect that any of this was going on in my brain.  I suspect I come across as fairly confident.  I don’t have much trouble asserting myself and I can talk to pretty much anyone.  And I really will cheerfully kick the shit out of anyone who truly deserves it.  I can do these things.  Probably because they don’t involve making myself especially vulnerable.  I guess there’s truth in the saying, “The best defense is a good offense.”

I won’t lie to you, it’s been a tough battle, exorcising these demons.  How do you assemble an arsenal to fight these little fuckers when you have “Creep” as your emotional soundtrack?  It’s not easy.  It means throwing away my entire operating system and starting from scratch, alone.  And understanding that self-protection—and self-esteem—are about building myself up and taking risks, not keeping myself down and barricading myself against things that might cause me pain.

So these days, I have to take it on faith that people aren’t scrutinizing me and cataloguing every single flaw—and if they are, then I need to tell myself that they’re the ones with the problem.  I have to remind myself that most people are basically decent and that they aren’t out to hurt me deliberately.  I have to trust that I’m okay, and that the demons are wrong.

Come to think of it, fuck you, demons.

169 responses to Demons and ghosts

  1. 

    I’m weirded our that so many of us grew up with these thinking patterns and even more weirded out that the majority of us are actually okay and not even living to the full potential because we thought we weren’t okay. I’m not/wasn’t/I’m working on it at least.

    Great post. These are uncomfortable subjects and you all are gutsy for doing this. Fuck demons!

  2. 

    No matter what others think of each of us; no matter how true or false that initial impression we give others actually is; no matter matter how right or wrong the perceptions that people have —- no one knows the inner battle each of us have.

  3. 

    Yup, the thoughts in our heads. We can be our worst critics. It’s good to tell them “fuck off” every once in awhile.

  4. 

    Gosh, I am exactly like you! I can’t understand why people are nice to me. I automatically think they have an agenda or they pity me, rather than they actually might just like me! Brilliant post!

  5. 

    Reading blogs has opened my eyes to how many people suffer through depression or insecurities, I can honestly say I haven’t experienced it with people I know, they don’t talk about it and I am obviously not very good at picking up on them.

    • 

      A lot of us hide this stuff really well—I think that’s part of it. I can only speak for myself, but I don’t generally advertise that I have this running commentary in my head all the time…I don’t need the additional negative publicity. Here, in a quasi-anonymous forum, it’s easier to share these things.

  6. 

    This sounds very familiar. For me it was the alcohol that “helped”, but only temporarily. The beginning of a buzz, I was the greatest person in the world. At the end of the night I was back where I started…….”they’re all gonna laugh at you!” Great post.

    • 

      Thanks, BroJo. Yup. I hear what you’re saying. The few times I’ve gotten really buzzed, I’ve thought, “Man, I can see how people can get hooked on this.” But alcoholism runs in my family so I’ve stayed away from that particular coping mechanism.

  7. 

    I’ve heard many times, that being vulnerable is our greatest strength. It’s still scary, ‘tho. The inner critic/judge is the worst (she sounds an awful lot like my mother ;-) Was thinking recently about all the shadow work done in psychology, when it occurred to me, rather than trying to ‘overcome’ the shadow and demons, invite them to tea.

    Really great post, Madame

    • 

      Sounds a lot like my mother, too. They must have graduated from the same Mother Training School!

      • 

        Yes! I think it’s where the voice has it’s beginnings. But it has made me a very thoughtful mother to my own three. The “what NOT to say/do” voice is much stronger.

        • 

          Victoria, I think WE went to the same Mother Training School! lol I realize my mother meant, and still means, well. Her methods just didn’t work for me. I’ve been a different mother to my daughter. Still honing my “what NOT to say/do” voice! So far, so good. ;) xoM

    • 

      Hey Victoria! Yes, it’s true, being vulnerable is a great strength—but it is truly terrifying. That’s why I figured I’d invite my demons to tea and thank them for their loyal service. Trying to ignore them or talk over them didn’t work. Maybe I’ll just call them “The Peanut Gallery” as in, “No comments from the Peanut Gallery, please.”

      • 

        Thank You for your continued hospitality, Madame Weebles. This has been a great post, and thread. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying everyone’s comments and blogs, too.

        Th

  8. 

    That was a great post, Weebs! I think we all have those ghost voices in our head. Speaker 7 said we can be our own worst critic and I do believe that! I admire that you wrote something very honest and relatable. As hard as I try to have confidence (which is really hard when you are shy) I still have those days when 5 people say something nice to me and then that 1 person doesn’t…what do I go home and dwell on? The 1 negative thing…and that inner dialogue can keep me up at night!
    (and I would never consider you a Creep, but I like that song!)

    • 

      It’s a great song, isn’t it? I know what you mean, Chica B—there’s actually research that shows that it takes 5 positive experiences to cancel out or balance the impact of 1 negative experience. Evidently we’re programmed to remember and retain the memories of bad things much more than the good ones. So that’s why the 1 bad comment can completely ruin your day after 5 good ones. It’s NOT FAIR.

  9. 

    Remember, most everyone is really only thinking about themselves. Keeping this in mind helps get through a lot of the bullshit.

    Now where was I? Oh right, let’s talk about me!

  10. 

    Beautiful post. It takes courage to look at the demons square in the face, thank them and then ask them to leave. Some want to hide under the bed or in the closet or even stranger places. But with practice, we can see them for what they are and give them the boot. I think this is wisdom. It’s also a part of being human. I’m glad you’re in that place, Weebs.

  11. 

    Thanks, Madame, for opening that dialogue. I think many of us experience and endure these demons in silence out of fear…of so many things. “We have nothing to fear but fear itself,” is one of my favorite quotes, and when we come to understand that fear itself is not real, that it’s all smoke and mirrors, then we can come through that smoke triumphant and revel in what we see in the mirrors!

    It does seem a time for profound introspection. I’m all discombobbled, timewise, by the hurricane, Thanksgiving coming so soon, disruption in vibes (whatever THAT means), and feel like I’m making my way through a twilight zone…and perhaps I am. So I’ve been laying low, doing the things that nourish my soul, listening to my small still voice, which is very different from the chattering, nagging demoniacal voices, and just being. Not a comfortable place because it’s so unfamiliar, and it’s growing on me.

    When my darling daughter was little and she got herself all in a twist over what I recognized as her demons (in Eastern philosophies I believe it’s called Ego), I used to suggest to her that since the Ego is a very hard worker, perhaps it would be nice to acknowledge that effort and send it on vacation, maybe a nice beach in Bermuda. Bermuda is still code for us to exorcise our demons all these many years later, and I can’t help but wonder how many others have sent their overworked Egos to wander those beautiful pink sand beaches!

    In any event, it’s great to know I’m in such excellent company! xoxoM

    • 

      Maybe I’ll send my demons on a nice long cruise—that’s a good idea. They could use the break, they’ve been on constant duty for more than 40 years! You’re a good mom, Margarita, to recognize what your daughter was going through. And yes, you have plenty of company. I think a lot of people are laying low right now, it just feels like a weird time.

      • 

        A cruise! What a good idea! An around the world one, Madame, that should take a good long time and be a wonderful reward for demons who have worked nonstop for decades! lol xoxoM

  12. 

    Beautiful post and I agree. Fuck demons. It’s eerie how much your demons sound like my demons.

  13. 

    Weebs, we’re sisters from another mister. All of those ‘helpful’ tidbits are languishing in the pool of passive aggression.

    such crap.

    The ones I’ve heard a lot of over the past 2 years has been: “You’re where you should be right now”–what? I’m supposed to be in the middle of horrible, crippling unemployment and sliding down no self-esteem crap mountain now? seriously? Or another fave: “Pain is the gift that no one wants.” What the entire fuck? Did Buddha fuck you too hard in the ass or something?

    Great post, hon. I suggest we pool our minds, wits and experiences and write something about what one should be said to folks like us. You know, Awesomesauce Gals.

    • 

      WORD, Jules. I also like “Nobody ever said life was fair” and “Only you can make yourself feel bad or guilty.” Bite me. And I like this idea of compiling some sort of manual as to what should be said, and NOT said. Yes.

  14. 

    I think the voices often sound like those we know – we can have voices from several different people. My mother is a great voice. She does mean well, she does love me, but life is seen through a negative lens. Protect yourself – don’t take chances, you won’t get hurt. You also won’t experience joy. She has no idea that her “protection” hurts and makes me feel like I’m incompetent somehow. Also, if you have a spouse, they know how to push your buttons like no one else (except maybe a parent). And then that voice joins – the one from the fight you had ten years ago when he found the best button ev-ah and pushed the hell out of it.

    It’s hard to tell demons to go away when they look and sound like loved ones. Thanks for this post. It does seem to be going around, doesn’t it?

    • 

      I have to credit Mr. Weebles, he really doesn’t push my buttons. He’s the one person who knows me—the real me, warts and all—and he’s never exploited any of those buttons. Bless him. But I know what you mean abotu the other stuff. People meant well—at least, I hope they did—but making someone feel inferior really doesn’t seem to be the best way of helping.

  15. 

    This post was written perfectly. Really. I always related to that Radiohead song. I think we ALL have these thoughts from time to time, just some more than others. So yeah, fuck you demons.

  16. 

    Madame,
    There must be some kind of Cosmic Chaos going on that everyone seems to be slumped down and fighting the bad stuff. I applaud you for getting this out of your head and letting it go.
    I think we all grew up with such distorted images of ourselves and beat ourselves down for so long, that this is now years of un-doing to get back to a balance we can live with. You are strong and lovely.
    Demons be gone. You are the Madame!

  17. 

    Please, please also write a “Fuck you, Demons” post! When I got to the part about “scrutinizing and cataloging every flaw,” my brain said, “Mom!” Now, I have to go listen to Creep since the soundtrack of my emotional life was written much earlier. Think, “The Immigrant Song.”

  18. 

    My new favorite line that I heard in a song is “Never let fear decide your fate.” I think your post supports that line so clearly.

  19. 

    Those demons must have a ton of frequent flyer miles because they have made multiple trips to where I live in just the past week. In fact, I had a run in with a couple of them this morning!!! And Yeah, what you said!!!! (didn’t want to swear on your blog. you can read why in my post later today if I ever get the thing finished)

    • 

      Swear away, Honie! Everyone is welcome to let the expletives fly here. Sorry you’ve had a case of the demons this week too. Fuck ‘em.

      • 

        Madame I think if I start, I may not be able to stop myself, and like you, “I’m not writing this to elicit sympathetic comments,” but this week of bloody demon bastards, goddam ghosts, poopity poop, The Kings Speech syndrome buggardy fuck fucks! Oh, man my head hurts!!

  20. 

    I agree that as the holidays approach along with colder weather and shorter days, it’s easier to suffer a life-crisis funk that one might not notice on a sunny, warm and seemingly carefree afternoon in June. The philosophical saying that helps me beat the blues is trite-sounding but I appreciate the blunt perspective, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” I’m happy to deal with that bitch even though she can be pretty nasty at times, but I’m far from ready for what comes next, that big dirt nap. Instead of indulging your inner demons claiming that you’re worthless, you might shut off that recording of “Creep” on your internal iPod, and listen to a second opinion, your inner angels recite all that makes you worthful.

  21. 

    Funny thing I’ve found about the ghosts and demons – They don’t do so well when direct light is shined on them.

    And you’re blazing, Madame.
    Rock on!

  22. 

    More like this please! Right where I am and I want out!

  23. 

    You’re a brave woman, Madame. It can be a profoundly unsettling experience to discover that the beliefs you accepted aren’t actually true. Leaving behind the certainty of your current worldview and confronting the questions “If I was wrong about that, then what else am I wrong about?” and “What will I do/be without those things that I held to be true?” can be really damn scary.

    But it’s also exciting, because you can reinvent the person you truly want to be. Good on ya for being the kind of tough, smart badass who can meet it head-on and look good doing it. :-)

    • 

      You nailed it, lady—the issue of what to do without that framework you’ve used your whole life. How do you replace it, and how do you know what’s the correct way of looking at things? Or if not “correct”, then at least a “less skewed” way of looking at them? It’s some scary stuff, but the alternative—sticking with the status quo—is way scarier. And thanks for the kind words, Diane. Much appreciated. :D

  24. 

    The demons do bring a strange kind of superstition. The things that we think about ourselves make no more sense than avoiding the number 13, worrying about a black cat crossing our path, or opening an umbrella indoors. (Walking under a ladder is still a terrible idea) But our brains persist anyway, stealing us a little bit at a time.
    I think you’re a beautiful person, Weebs. Inside and out.

    • 

      It’s funny, I actually thought about that not long ago, RG—how some people truly believe that opening an umbrella indoors, etc, will cause terrible things to happen (not me–and I walk under ladders all the time just for spite). Your whole perception of things—and subsequently, your behavior—ends up getting completely distorted and wacky. I’m still working on un-distorting them. And thanks for the kind words, lady.

  25. 

    You go Madame Weebles! You kick demon ass, and you kick it hard!

  26. 

    Unless one is Donald Trump, I suspect everyone battles these demonic insecurities, even if they look collected on the outside. When I start worrying about others’ perceptions of me, I return to my favorite Dr. Phil quote: “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” Helps keep me grounded in reality.

    • 

      See, and here’s the problem: Donald Trump SHOULD have those demonic insecurities, because he’s disgusting inside and out. And you’re right—when I really take a good hard look at things, I realize that people are way more wrapped up in their own stuff than in thinking about me. It’s comforting somehow.

  27. 

    so very honest and from the heart–I try to live by this: it is none of my business what others think of me–I read it somewhere, and I am sure it was said by someone famous, but I find it comforting.
    you have a very strong vulnerability–which is what makes you so popular in the blog world–thank you for this post — I do not think I could ever achieve this kind of honesty in my writing–but know that it helps others to read these things–many of us have faced some of the things you have faced down

    • 

      Thank you so much, LouAnn, sincerely. I feel like I’ve heard that quote somewhere too. I wish I could remember where. It’s true, I can’t control what others think of me, and it’s really none of my business. People are going to see me however they want, good or bad, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can only change my reaction to it, and just not care.

      • 

        it is hard, but we have to find a way to do it–any of us who have lived on this earth have been through stuff, been disappointed, been sued for the last seven years (I guess that is just me), and had hardships–but there has been a lot of good stuff mixed up with the bad and I guess that is what gets us through–that whole “live in the moment” thing has gotten me through–anyway your post really struck a chord with me

  28. 

    Most fucking awesome post, Madame. I echo your sentiments to the demons…

  29. 

    That’s my woman. You strong, girl.

    And I’ll toss in that your demons sound a lot like mine. I’m still negotiating with them though.

  30. 

    You are not alone. Knowing this has always helped me to quell some of that blah blah. I’ve used spiritual methods over the years which helps. But even having frank conversations with friends has helped me see that it’s kind of common. My approach is to ‘be here now’ and try to have a clean slate for each day where I’m fresh new and strong, as everyone else. I use prayer to open me up to the good vibrations but I prayed this morning went jogging and a bitch looking at her cell phone walked almost directly into me and I told her she was a fucking idiot. So what does that mean about prayer? Hahaha! Seriously, as I mentioned in a post, prayer unearths stuff, disperses it but then it comes back. But each time I get stronger and stronger. I can be more evolved in my interactions with people but never perfect. When I’m behaving badly, and want to blame someone else, I’ve been taught to ‘clean up my side of the street’ and look at what’s really going on with me. I used a neighbor of mine as a target for anger the other day. He did something ‘unattractive’, but really I could have ignored it. A mentor of mine suggested writing a note and slipping it under his door. I might. I think the answer to dealing with demons is looking as honestly as possible at my part. Blaming other people only gets me further away from me. Seriously, this works — how might I have caused some of the messed up situations and relationships.

    Thank you for talking about this. As Margarita says, it does open up a dialogue that helps us all. Thank you lovely lady!

    • 

      I heart you, Sandee, I truly do. And not just because you told that bitch she was a fucking idiot (but that just makes me love you more). What you say here is so true. I know I’m extremely guilty of behavior that hasn’t helped me AT ALL, with others or just myself. A lot of that behavior is driven by incorrect perceptions and assumptions—you know the drill, thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to actions, which may or may not be beneficial. So that’s a big one for me to work on.

  31. 

    “I suspect I come across as fairly confident.” is the understatement of the year. You, missy, are confident, brave, and rule the world. Don’t you forget that.

  32. 

    You have no idea how much I can relate to this post. My demons have only one voice – they shout as a Greek Chorus.

    I think it helps to get it out – and sometimes it is nice to look back on posts like these, especially on the days when it feels like the demons are winning. Fuck em!!!!

    You are all that and a big bag of very special chips Ms. Weebs. ;)

    • 

      The Greek Chorus — PERFECT analogy, nekkid! It felt good to get this out on “paper” although I have to admit it’s been a rough day. Fucking demons. Thank you so much for your very sweet words.

  33. 

    A project by RG? Let’s talk. Also, I lost two followers today. How’s that for perfect timing???

  34. 

    Ahh Radiohead….

    I used to DJ in the early 90′s and would often start my set with Creep, before moving on to the likes of ‘Self Esteem’
    ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHfY6VTRUFk )
    ‘Freak Scene’
    ( , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vV2kJ0rSfKU )
    or even some mudhoney
    { http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbAbMZEt4Uw }

    Just to set the tone – no whinging here – this is assertive self-loathing.

    But then I grew up and embraced the principles of Urban Misanthropy. People are all well and good, in there place. Which is face to face, not standing over me pulling strings, or expecting me to do the same. Sure, judge all you want, but it’s your judgement, not mine. I’ll go by my own standards, thanks.

    It confuses people sometimes, but that’s p[art of the fun!

    • 

      That’s a good set, Misanthropist—I would have enjoyed that. It sort of reminds me of when my friends and I would set the tone with some whiny Smiths before moving on to angry Elvis Costello. I love your approach—judge all you want, it’s not my problem. I have to remember that one.

  35. 

    Those demons do try to get the best of us, sometimes. I’ve worried what people think about me for as long as I can remember. And I’ve let it stop me from trying things I really wanted to experience. Somehow, they haven’t put a stop to my writing. And I consider that a great victory in itself. They still have too much influence in other parts of my life, but at least I’m beginning to make a stand.

    Great post, Madame W!

    • 

      I hear that, JM. I’m amazed at how many people seem to be struggling with the same demons. I’m so glad they haven’t kept you from your writing—they haven’t kept me from mine either, so at least we have that going for us!

  36. 

    Don’t stop hunting those bastards down and eliminating them. Don’t. Ever. Stop.

  37. 

    Two words: therapy. Hard work but it worked finally and I think I’m the nads. And if someone doesn’t they clearly have mental problems. I think that WP and probably the group of people we have surrounded ourselves with here are high-achievers, smart and have a writer’s/artist’s temperament which can be a judgmental bitch. If one isn’t particularly bright or introspective then they don’t have these insecurities b/c they don’t think about.

    Great post. Don’t feel icky. xoxoxo

  38. 

    Hi MW, As you know, I can relate. And, of course, it’s all just part of who you are and why you are so kind, and empathetic and why you are a healer person. . We have to get it out of us to un-program ourselves and also to empower others to do so and thus to change the world. You’re on the path, and this post is part of it. You are an inspiring evolved human being. xo

    • 

      This really resonated with me. Thank you very, very much. I do think that one of the things I really pick up during healings is the emotional energy of people. I hadn’t thought about the connection between that and my own emotional energy. But it’s given me a lot of food for thought in terms of being able to see things differently.

  39. 

    Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
    If you know me, you need to read this. Madame Weebles may as well have been me when she wrote this. It speaks to me because it speaks to EXACTLY how I feel.

  40. 

    Dear Weebs’ Demons,

    I’m coming for you. That said, I’m going to be sportsman-like and give you time to clear out. You 48 hours to leave Weebs once and for all. After those 48 hours are up, I cannot promise any of you will make it out alive. I’m going to buy a black trenchcoat because it makes me look cool and more intimidating, so that’s how you know I’m serious. Your move, demons.

  41. 

    Thank Maude for therapy. And also, for you.
    The demons can eat shit and die. xoxo

  42. 

    Thanks for this, Weebs. It’s amazing how strong those voices can be and even if we know they’re wrong and irrational that we still listen to them. It’s taken me a long time to tell them to fuck off. That felt good, see.

  43. 

    You’re totally right about the contagious feeling of despair lately. I like to think it has something to do with the time change. Maybe a lot of people are also exhausted from the election? I have my own stuff in my personal life that is causing me stress but everyone I know seems to be breaking apart. Were the Mayans right?

    I don’t think you can ever really escape your demons. You kind of have to turn them against each other. At least that’s the one thing I’ve never tried.

    • 

      I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe I’ll tell one of the demons that another one was talking trash about him. That should start a good fight. I hope the Mayans weren’t right, though, I have a lot of stuff to do and I’m pretty sure I won’t be done before D-Day. You may be right, though, about the time change, post-election exhaustion, etc. It seems to be affecting everyone. Hang tough, bro.

  44. 

    It’s weird how the most awesome people have a fear of disappointing others – you do not disappoint. As well, we all know that it really doesn’t matter what other people think – our brains know that – but our internal dialogue has a different story to tell us and we foolishly heed that voice to our determent.
    Rejection sucks – being the worst sucks, being mediocre sucks and being the best is great – until you worry about not being able to maintain that – then it, too, sucks. So where does that leave us? So it makes me think that being in an ‘ordered’ list is where the suckage really happens. For example, I’ve been completely distressed with not being “Freshly Pressed” when all around me bloggers that I follow are getting “Freshly Pressed” – I think it would have been much easier if there was no “Freshly Pressed” based on someone’s opinion of what’s ‘good’ – if it was random, it would be so much less stressful! But part of me knows it’s nice that people with talent get acknowledgement. And my BRAIN knows it doesn’t matter if it happens b/c people that like my stuff read it and say good things about it – so why is that not enough? BECAUSE we are conditioned to be in an ordered list – and that sucks. Did I mention it sucked?
    So you are right – we must get rid of those demons and learn to not approach every situation with a million doubts and a negative internal dialogue.
    So basically, I am NOT watching you – but I am waiting eagerly for your next post because I ENJOY reading what is going on in your brain.
    Is that rambly and disjointed enough?

    • 

      I followed you just fine, Rutabaga. And your FP time will come, not to worry. But I know what you mean—your brain is frantically telling you all kinds of mean and stupid things that aren’t true, and it blows. It’s definitely conditioning—which is what I’ve been trying to look at. A lot of these thoughts are habits, so if we can learn a habit, we can unlearn them. But it still sucks. And thank you for being so nice.

  45. 

    we share a few demons, sister. i take some comfort in knowing that my ‘externally optimistic/extroverted’ but ‘internal kevlar protectionist’ structure is not all that uncommon. i haven’t yet evicted my demons, but had a revelation a few years back that has helped me keep them out of my way…

    someone, somewhere, had done something that i perceived as one of those “tear you the fuck down because you are unworthy” things. upon further reflection, i realized it was a toss-off comment, on a day when that person was wrapped around another axle that had – get this – NOTHING to do with me. it was then that i realized that my demons have a big fucking ego to think that ANYONE else is going to be spending that much time trying to screw me over…

    [enter the "You're Insignificant" demon, stage left]

    • 

      “Externally optimistic/extroverted but internal kevlar protectionist”—damn, girl, that’s a great description. I hear you about the ego thing, too—intellectually I know that nobody is wasting that much time or energy thinking about me or plotting ways to hurt me. But hey, nobody ever said this was rational, right? We really need to find a way to have cocktails one of these days, girl.

      • 

        changing jobs internally, which means my excuse to visit NYC in April went away. gonna have to just suck it up and pay for my own vacation this time!

        oh, and i’ll get around to a Movember donation…. right now, i am losing a battle with gravity and getting out of the chair to find an unexpired credit card is simply out of the question. glamour. i haz it.

  46. 

    Your posts always make me think. It’s good to know that some people are human. It makes me feel in good company. Thanks for your honesty.

    • 

      Hello there, Lolly! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m glad to be in good company too, it really is nice to know we’re not alone in feeling like this. And thank you so much for commenting!

  47. 

    When a person judges others, it says nothing about the other people and everything about them. I am so tried of the nasty and jealous winning! How can this be? Say its not so!

    • 

      I’m working on it, Lotta—I do try to keep reminding myself that the critics, the mean-spirited or petty people, they’re the ones with the problem, not us. Because it’s not right to let nasty and jealous win, right?

  48. 

    Madam Weebles

    Interesting post, you have a kitty aiming a rifle out a window for an Avatar…….most of your demons get a kick in da nuts regularly, but you keep a couple around – just for kicks right?

    RidicuRyder

    • 

      Well, I’ll tell you, RR, I am quite fond of kicking demons in the nuts, but it’s true, there are a few that just stick around, and I guess I got a little too accustomed to them. Codependent relationship, what can I say.

      • 

        Madame Weebles,

        Perhaps you should consider a series on DemonIc Codependancy…….you could start by telling us whose brains are about to get blown out by kitty (it is also comforting to imagine that it is the next person who walks by wearing beige).

        Please forgive us if we are back tracking over something previously discussed, we haven’t made it through all your stuff yet.

        RIdicuRyder

  49. 

    Very well written, Madame.

  50. 

    Better to try deal with it, than ignore it in the long run. Brave and good job. And remember to see the other positive things, for example you run a good blog which has regular readers, contributors, who appreciate what you have to say, and return back for more. So whilst we wouldn’t guess the things about you that you mentioned here, those things, are not all that you are. If that makes some kind of sense.

    I found a little way to keep my demons down. Don’t let them stop you.

  51. 

    I’m wondering if THIS is the norm, and those happy, confident, demon-free people are just aliens from planet “How the hell did you get that way?”

    I’m always surprised when I learn about people going through (or who have gone through) the same things as I am. The same destructive thoughts. The same dysfunctional habits. Making the same wrong turns. Mostly because I don’t equate myself with them, and I look up to them and try to emulate their good habits.

    You are a funny and cool and smart and also a good stalker on LinkedIn. If you think any less than that, your thoughts are going to need to meet the business end of my knuckles.

  52. 

    Oh my GOD! I’ve found someone else just like me… I knew there was a a reason I connected with you… I thought it was just the ‘cat thing’.(sorry if the is too weird)
    When my life comes back to whatever normal is… I’m going to come back to this post and read all the comments… all of us the same…
    I can’t even remember how I found you… but… WOW! I’m so glad…
    XO

    • 

      Let’s face it, Janet, the cat thing is big, but this is big too. :) There are a lot more of us than I thought, I guess. It’s making me think that the people who *don’t* feel this way are in the minority. It’s just that it’s one of things that nobody wants to talk about. Hope all is okay with you!

  53. 

    You’re right we do all have demons & a lot of times they try to protect us by making us cowards. If we’re lucky someone will help us before we’re lost to everyone else. If not, sometimes as we age, the demons become less powerful as we realize we really don’t give a sh– about what other people think of us, we have enough confidence of our own.

    • 

      Hiya benzeknees, welcome! You’re right, the demons have definitely lost power over the years, that’s one of the benefits of getting older and supposedly wiser. And I’ve had a lot of good people around me to remind me that they’re wrong.

  54. 

    This is a great post, Madame Weebles. I love how strong you are now. My demons seem to come now that I am older. When I was young and fearless, I could do anything. My self-esteem takes a beating now and then. But overall, I’m doing ok.

    • 

      Thanks, Maddie—it’s funny how the demons work. Well, not funny, but you know what I mean. I think when we’re younger, we’re more fearless in certain ways, but more vulnerable in others. Then when we get older, we get wiser in some areas but then more fearful in others. I guess it all evens oun in the end, but it still sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? Glad you’re doing okay. Kudos to you.

  55. 

    I really love this Mme, thank you. Now please get out of my head.

    On second thought, please stay as long as you’d like and tell my demons to fuck off too. Oh, and pass the Cheetos please.

  56. 

    Inner critics. Yep, got them. Mine have quietened down a lot over the past couple of years but sometimes they still give me a pretty powerful kick in the butt. And you’re right, they really only vocalise in our best interests – but heck, with the rubbish that they carry around with them and refer to, most of the time it’s an interest we don’t need for our real lives. The problem is, they don’t keep up with who or what we’ve become.

    • 

      They really are kind of clueless about keeping up with the times. Mine seem to think it’s still 1983. You’d think that since they’ve loitered this long, they’d make an effort to be current. Just as well they don’t, though—it’s easier to eject them when they’re just obsolete, right?

  57. 

    Fuck you demons. Amen to that. xo

  58. 

    Yeah! “Fuck you” to the little 3 AM demons that come and tell me all sorts of terrible things. They don’t even wait till 3 AM most of the time, impatient little fuckers.

    Thanks for this. Even though I logically know I’m not alone, it’s still nice to see that everyone else does this to themselves, too.

    • 

      I know what you mean, purplemary. For me, they don’t wait until 3am—they start chattering right before I’m about to go to sleep. But the end result is that they’re still talking at 3am. So rude. It is nice to see that we’re not alone, though.

  59. 

    I’ll second that. It took cognitive behavioural therapy to even recognise mine, so deeply embedded were they. And keeping them at bay takes constant discipline.

    But I’d say it’s worth it.

  60. 

    Hey Madame! Have been lurking here for weeks – I just wanted you to know what a charge I get out of reading your blog, profound and funny is hard walk to take and you do it. With esteem, V

  61. 

    I can’t read 140+ comments, but if it hasn’t been said already – I’ll add that there are 2 types of people – obviously fucked up people – and good actors.
    I recognise every word here from the inside of my own mangled mind :)

    • 

      Hey there, ROS, so glad you stopped by. It comforts me to know that so many people have the same issues, and that we all have the same types of demons. Although it’s also sad that so many great people are so hard on themselves. I think you’re right about the 2 types of people, too.

  62. 

    Way to kick some demonic ass, Weebs. :)

  63. 

    I think that EVERYONE has them. EVERYONE. The trick is how much and how do they control your behavior. I used to work with someone that would tell other co-workers I was lazy, bad at my job, hated our clients, talked nasty about my co-workers-excetra. She even tried to get me fired by accusing me of being a bully to HER! Two years after she was gone, I still have people comming to me telling me that they were told this crap about me and some have appologized that they let it affect how they treated me. This nasty co-worker had demons that said “everyone will hate me if they look at me so I got to get them to look at someone else and hate them.” I think she thought I was the one most likely to figure out her “secret” first and therefore, I was the biggest threat. She also built herself up while tearing me down. “She doesn’t help you with this but I do”. Trouble was that while she was helping other people do their job, she wasn’t doing hers and was a burden to her own team. Knowing she had demons makes it a bit easier to not hate her. But, I have post traumatic like symptoms in certain senerios because of her so I’m having trouble with truly forgiving her.

    • 

      I don’t blame you, Wanda–I’d probably have some trauma from that as well. Bullies are awful, and knowing why they are how they are doesn’t make it any easier to handle their treatment. That’s awful that you went through that. Internal demons are poison no matter how they affect you.

  64. 

    Spot on Weebles. Negative self image was my best friend until I kicked her to the curb – that bitch!!
    Good for you for coming out and confronting the ghosts and demons. And yes, fuck you demons – I wouldn’t fuck one, not even a gorgeous one. With my luck I’ll probably end up with demon spawn, but I wouldn’t say no to a demon hunter – particularly Dean Winchester.

  65. 

    I think you should have your own talk-show, Madame! Just think of all the people you could help! And… I could… maybe come on and throw a chair around the set?! You know… just for sweeps. The rest of the time things would be totally classy, of course. :)

  66. 

    You got that fucking right, bitch! Screw ‘em and their little dog too if they can’t see that you are totally cool and smart and clever and have the world’s biggest heart! Nikki

    • 

      Awwww, thanks, Nikki!! How are YOU doing, by the way?

      • 

        Thanks, Madame Weebles, for asking. I’m trying to keep my mouth shut so I don’t say anything too stupid while I’m zombie-tose. Trying, but not succeeding in your case. Good judgment – out the friggin window. Just something about a sensitive, beautiful person needing a cosmic hug. I couldn’t resist.

  67. 

    I am assuming, based on the content of your post, that you mean Radiohead’s “Creep” and not TLC’s “Creep?” Bitches be trippin’ and that is all I can say about those demons.

  68. 

    Yeah, those little voices are insiduous.

    A quote from some words attributed to St Hilda of Whitby, which I was given yesterday:
    “Bend your minds to holy learning, that you may escape the fretting moth of littleness of mind that would wear out your souls.”

    Those little voices are the fretting moths of littleness of mind. Hope you find the appropriate fly-swat for them!

  69. 

    I feel like it’s the season for all of our insecurities and sadnesses to creep out of hiding. Fuck off, demons, go away ghosts!

  70. 

    Fuck you, Demons! Amen! Imagine the power if we all got as honest as you’ve been in this post.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

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