All I want for Christmas is…

Madame Weebles —  December 7, 2012 — 225 Comments

But first, Happy Pearl Harbor Day!  I might have forgotten were it not for Sandylikeabeach, who observed that yesterday was Pearl Harbor Day Eve.  So thanks, Sandy!  Yes, it was 71 years ago today that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor and facilitated America’s entry into WWII.  It wasn’t a good day.  Nor were the 828 days of war before December 7th, nor were the 1,347 days after it.  War sucks.

And this is a good segue to the subject of today’s post:  my Christmas list.  I would like world peace, but that seems to be a pretty tall order.  Santa’s good, but he’s not a miracle worker.  I’ll have to be more realistic.  Here’s what I’ve got so far:

  • A Tesla death ray to eradicate the idiot tourists in Manhattan.  I will not rest until New York is free of loud, intelligence-free, giant map-wielding visitors who have not mastered the art of walking in a straight line.  They’re a plague.  Like locusts, except dumber.  I’d almost rather deal with the aliens from Cloverfield than maneuver around some dipstick trying to take a photo of the tree at Rockefeller Center without any people in the way.
  • The ability to summon a perfect cup of coffee from the ether by clapping my hands.  I realize this could pose a problem when I’m at an event where applause is involved.  But I’m willing to take that risk.
  • A magic middle finger.  You have now seen a photo of me flipping the bird—it comes quite naturally to me.  I want to be able to give the finger to people and things and have them automatically behave themselves.  How cool would that be?  Next time I encounter a douchebag yattering away on his cell phone, I can just strike the pose and he’ll magically shut the fuck up.  Car alarm wailing in the middle of the night?  No problem—I’ll just stick my middle finger out the window and presto: sweet silence.  Nasty bitch giving me attitude?  I’ll flip her off and she’ll feel compelled to apologize.  As a bonus, she’ll spontaneously gain ten pounds.
  • A calorie vaporizer.  We’ve sent probes to Mars and the far reaches of the solar system.  The Hubble telescope has revealed images of galaxies billions of light years away.  We have programs that allow me to hold my phone up to the speakers to identify a song I don’t know.  If we can do cool stuff like that, then surely we can invent something that will zap the calories in a piece of chocolate cake while leaving the cake intact.  What the fuck is all this technology for, if not to better our lives??
  • This guy.  I know what you’re saying.  You’re saying, “Madame Weebles, Robert Cornelius has been dead for 119 years.”  That’s true.  However, if we can build Tesla death rays, vaporize calories, neutralize idiots with our middle fingers, and conjure coffee out of thin air, then I can’t see why bringing someone back from the dead should be a big deal.  But listen, I don’t want to be unreasonable.  Santa Claus has enough on his plate. If it’s too difficult to get Robert Cornelius, I’d be overjoyed to receive this guy as a gift instead.

Now I need to know what to get for all you guys. Kindly tell me what’s on your list and I’ll go shopping this weekend.

225 responses to All I want for Christmas is…

  1. 

    Can I borrow the tourist death ray? I was in central London yesterday doing a photo thing for http://wristsaroundtheworld.com/ and stupid fucking tourists everywhere, moving in packs, no sense of direction ambling around looking confused. I don’t get it as I am not like that abroad, but then I never bother seeing the sights, I went to Egypt and completely missed the pyramids.

    • 

      You missed the pyramids?? That’s pretty funny. I’m not much for most big tourist sites, but I think I’d make sure to see the pyramids if I were in Egypt. But in most places the really cool stuff is far away from all the tourist traps. I remember the tourists in London, they’re as bad as the ones in NY. I feel your pain, Joe. Also, thanks for posting the link to Wrists Around the World! I may brave the crowds around the Empire State Building to do a photo for Libby myself.

  2. 

    I always panic and give a painfully boring wishlist to my husband. I forget everything I’ve wanted and end up asking for paper towels or a poncho.

  3. 

    I won’t take your dead guy or Geddy Lee, but I would pretty much like the same stuff. And a mini hippopotamus, please. And diamonds.

  4. 

    My Christmas wish is for someone to shave Donald Trump’s head and use the hairs to stuff a permanent ball gag that will be placed in his mouth.

  5. 

    Those same tourists must do Seattle just before or after NY…or maybe they’re just everyfuckingwhere.
    Worse, in my opinion are the douches that walk very very very slowly across the crosswalk never looking up from their phone. Sometimes they even stop right in front of me to return an important text with something like OMG! ROSBDBD! (rolling on the street bleeding to death because i’m a douchebag!)

    • 

      May I borrow that ROSBDBD acronym, Red? That will come in handy when I shove someone in front of a bus and the victim needs to text his/her friends about it. And I can imagine Seattle gets its share of tourists too. They need to start distributing cattle prods to the natives so that we can just get through our day.

  6. 

    I’m going to have to be careful if I visit Manhattan. Being in Orlando we are use to idiot tourists but since they are our lifeblood, we have to forgive them or go back to picking oranges. No bueno.

  7. 

    A map…I’m on my way to Manhatten….hehehehe.

  8. 
    free penny press December 7, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I was just thinking I need to make my wish list to Saint Nick and have no clue where to start.. I guess since the Depp-man is single now I can start there?

  9. 

    I want a Tesla death ray for adolescent girls with their hordes of friends who randomly scream in the street :)

    • 

      Oh, I wish you had been with me when I composed my original list, Sandee. I would have added the hordes of adolescent girls as targets for the death ray. You have much wisdom and knowledge.

  10. 

    Hmm…I’ll take a decent journalism job, some nipple clamps, a Brazilian waxer at my beck & call, a Tuk-Tuk, Bill Nighy, and a makeup kit that’ll turn me into a Eva Mendes.

    • 

      Whoaaa, Jules—-Bill Nighy?? Damn, girl, I thought I was the only one who thought he was intriguing. Sweet! I will put him on my shopping list for you along with the job, clamps, waxer, etc.

  11. 

    Interestingly, the bakery department at the grocery store I normally shop tells me they use a calorie remover. I’m just sayin’.

    For me … I’ll settle for wine and Graeter’s with the Mr. and Mrs. Weebs.

    • 

      You’re ON, Frank! We would be thrilled and delighted to have wine and Graeter’s with you—especially because you and Mr. Weebs have the same favorite flavor, and me and your Missus have the same favorite. And as much as I want to try Cincinnati chili, now I really have to visit your city to check out that grocery store of yours.

  12. 

    So much for asking what I want…

  13. 

    Pearl Harbor…oh the good old days! Yes, my day began with a history quiz. My husband taught military history/leadership school and sure enough, making my day in the way only he can, as I stepped into the shower I heard, “Do you remember what happened on this day in 1941?”
    Of course, I answered The Wright Brothers took off at Kitty Hawk? wait no, the Air Force became a separate branch of the military? No? Hmmm. Heroshima? Nagasaki? The Pepsi Center Peace Accords? No, that’s the future. Hope you get everything you want for Christmas Madame and that the only bombs dropped today are the F kind! ;)

    • 

      Your husband rocks, Honie. Of course you already knew that. I studied a lot of military history and used to bore people senseless with “Hey, today is D-Day! Right about now, the landing craft were approaching Omaha…” I lost a lot of friends that way. And I laughed out loud at “Pepsi Center Peace Accords.” Corporate-sponsored peace accord venues, it’s perfect!

  14. 

    Can I borrow the Tesla death ray to use on the tourists in Dublin , particularly around Trinity college. I’d be much obliged.

  15. 

    I was having trouble coming up with a wish-list for Christmas, but I’m stealing yours. Every one of these things would make my life epic, especially the ability to make a cup of coffee appear just by clapping. And to think, when somebody is pissing me off I can just clap and I’ll have a hot cup of coffee to toss at them…after I flip them off and they subsequently shut the fuck up.

    I like the way you think.

  16. 

    Not to be a downer–but if you could end the lawsuit that has been dogging us for the last 7 or so years, I would appreciate i –either clapping your hands or giving it the finger might help. If you can’t do that, then a pair of red socks with Rudolph on them. The nose should be a little red puff ball.

    • 

      Consider it done, LouAnn! Want me to flip off the people against you in the lawsuit? I’d be happy to. They’ll apologize immediately and will feel compelled to compensate you for your trouble. But as a bonus, I’ll throw in the socks with Rudolph and his red puff ball nose. :)

  17. 

    I swear to gawd, Weebs…if I spontaneously gain ten pounds, I’m coming for you.

  18. 

    I want a Justice Field – as in Red Dwarf – Where all evil committed happens to the wrong-doer. You can’t hit anyone as you swing a punch and feel it on your own face. How cool would that be. An end to crime overnight – and probably to journalism too.

  19. 

    I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but I nominated you for an award, so accept it maybe? :D

  20. 

    My wish is to be near the women that spontaneously gain ten pounds when you flip them off with that magic finger. That would be funny as hell!!

  21. 

    I always wanted a Weeble of my very own. In other words, I am completely happy.

  22. 

    Weebs,
    You’ve raised magic to a whole new level. Flipping the bird is so much easier than wiggling one’s nose. I want a new camera – A Nikon D800, 10 more hours in the day, and that calorie vaporizer would nothing short of awesome!
    Cathy

  23. 

    Calorie vaporizer and Robert Cornelius are both pretty awesome wishes. I’d like that finger snapping ability for cleaning the house. Thank you!

  24. 

    I love the calorie vaporizer!

    I’ve been on the hunt for the perfect pillow for a while. I think an air conditioned pillow would be a genius invention.

    Oh and one of those hover board thingees like Michael J Fox had in Back to the Future. That would be pretty cool.

    And bacon Cheetos. Just because. But I better add the calorie vaporizer to my list too.

    • 

      Bacon Cheetos and an air-conditioned pillow?? Christy, you’re a fucking mad genius. These will both be under your tree Christmas morning, along with the calorie vaporizer and the futuristic hoverboard. Enjoy!!

      • 

        I was going to ask for Antonio Banderas to hand feed me Cheetos while I lay on my air-conditioned pillow, but I didn’t want to press my luck.

        Let’s just say if he showed up under my tree, I wouldn’t need the calorie vaporizer. Or the Cheetos. Or the hoverboard. The pillow would still be nice though. :)

        Have a fun weekend of shopping!

  25. 

    The magic middle finger looks set to be the must have prezzie next year – a telescopic one would be heaven

  26. 

    I’d concentrate on the Tesla ray. Once you’ve got that, you’re in an excellent position to motivate the world’s scientists and whatnot to get cracking on the rest.

    Plus, the coronal effects when it’s activated are really just TOO pretty.

  27. 

    I want all of the above, too…
    Tourists like those can be found in every major city it seems…I remember these homines touristices (I almost wrote homos, but my residue knowledge of Latin didn’t let me…sad story) from when I lived in Munich.

    • 

      Your residual knowledge of Latin is better than mine ever was, TAE. I can imagine Munich must be overrun with tourists. I’ve heard it’s a beautiful city, probably attracts tons of idiots with giant maps and cameras galore.

  28. 

    I’d like stupid people to instantly sense my arrival in a location and they would instantly shut the hell up and get out of my way, damn idiots. Also a cake and a hippo which I will call Bessie. Why a hippo? Why not!

    • 

      A hippo named Bessie! Awwww!! And why would someone NOT want a hippo, I ask you? She’s all yours, Bennie. I also love the idea of stupid people anticipating your arrival by shutting the fuck up and getting the fuck outta the way. I will gift this to you.

  29. 

    Madame Weebles,

    An international readership of millions for my blog would be fun……..unless you are busy next week.

    Checking out a RUSH concert with you, Mr Weebles and other Peeps where , Geddy, Alex and Neil begin with everything off 2112, then they can play whatever the fuck they feel like playing.

    Of course I have been bad, so a hard shiny shard of coal from the deepest, darkest corner of your heart would also make sense.

    RR

    • 

      Well, my dear RR, I don’t know that anyone would want to accompany me to a Rush concert. It wouldn’t be pretty. I can promise you that. I’ll start gathering the millions of readers for you. And I’m sure I can pluck out a particularly appealing lump of coal from my cold cold heart just for you.

  30. 

    I cannot say I know what you mean about Manhattan around the turn of the year, but seeing it on television makes me sure it is not for me. Santa may have a tough time filling your list!

    • 

      Hiya Joe! Welcome! So you won’t be visiting our fair city for New Year’s Eve then? I know I gave Santa a pretty difficult challenge this year but you know what, I’m confident he can handle it.

  31. 

    Well, my wish a few weeks ago went something like
    “…a handsome, well read, intelligent, honest, well dressed, gentle, loving guy, with a sense of humour, who doesn’t take himself too seriously, who loves kids with their own opinions, a house full of animals, crazy girls….oh, nevermind!”
    So, I am giving myself the middle finger now…maybe that will work :-)
    Merry Christmas!

  32. 

    I’d like some kind of time and space immobilizer, similar to your magic middle finger. I could freeze everyone just as they are so I could go around and get everything done that I need to (in peace). Once safely home I may (or may not) reactive everyone back to normal speed and behaviour.

    I also wouldn’t mind a translator fish that makes everything I say funnier than it is.

    • 

      I love the idea of the time & space freezer. This way you can just do everything at your pace without worrying about the time or everyone else. I dig it. A funnifying fish would be nice too. Like the Babelfish except different. Clever!

  33. 

    Al I want is peace on earth and goodwill to all men…. Oh, and a case of Scotch would be great.

  34. 

    Calorie-free chocolate. Period. That would make my already splendid existence completely sublime! xoxoM

  35. 

    I’m with you on the calorie vaporizer. I’ll go add it to my list now. You know, just in case it’s released on a first-come, first-serve basis. As for your first gift, I can’t get rid of the tourists in Manhattan, but I know what can get you out of that situation. A move to Cleveland. No need to worry about pesky tourists there, especially in the winter. Problem solved.

  36. 

    I’m pretty sure alcohol vapourizes calories. It works for me – add enough alcohol, and I become convinced that everything is calorie-free.

    I’d like new thumbs, knees, wrists, and ankle joints for Christmas. In fact, scratch that, they don’t even have to be new. Twenty-year-old ones would be just fine. These 40+ ones don’t hold up to kickboxing so well. Just let me know when they’re going to be delivered so I can get ready. (The organ donor sketch from Monty Python comes to mind..)

    And if you actually get the magic-bird ability for Christmas, may I borrow it sometime? Pleeeease?

    • 

      Man, I know what you mean about the joints. I could use new knees and d a new back. Whoever designed the human body really needs to push out an update, for crying out loud. And of course, the magic bird will be at your disposal whenever you need it, Diane!

  37. 

    I’m afraid if Santa grants your last request, you’ll be washing Geddy one day and he’ll slip right down the drain.
    Maybe you can feed him some of that chocolate cake right when you get him?

  38. 

    That’s an excellent list, Weebs, but I cut tourists slack since some are my friends and family. At the top of my list, I wish I still had the function in my left knee that I had six months ago coupled with peace in the Middle East.

    • 

      But your friends and family surely aren’t idiot tourists! I’m talking about the ones that have not one brain cell among them. Peace in the Middle East would sure be swell, but restoring your left knee to mint condition is probably a more realistic and likely goal, sadly.

  39. 

    I want coffee from the ether! Me Me Me!

  40. 

    I hope you get everything you want on your list. And that Robert Cornelius is rather devastatingly handsome!

  41. 

    I want something that will make the fat that is already on my body just go away. As in, when I grab the pizza dough that refuses to leave no matter how many miles I run and how many whole grain grains I consume and I say, “Just go away”, that sucker will disappear. Maybe you could give it the middle finger?

  42. 

    Oh, bloody hell. Better request a how-not-to-act-like-a-tourist-in-New-York post. I am one of those millers about. I saw myself in your words today, Weebles, and it warnt purdy.

    • 

      I find that hard to believe, Kate. You may mill about, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel the need to stare daggers at you for being in my way. In any case, I would volunteer to be your local escort if you should ever visit NY. That’s how much I care.

  43. 

    The calorie vaporizer sounds great to me—can it get rid of the bad fats and cholesterol, too? Those tourists also make their way to DC, but I can’t be too grumpy about them. Once upon a time I was also a newbie to that city. I must try to be more understanding. ;)

    Can I get all my revisions done for my two WIPs this upcoming year to make them good, publishable manuscripts? That would be totally awesome!

    • 

      You’re a much kinder person than I am. I’ve seen the crowds in DC as well and they piss me off too when I’m there. And in addition to the calorie/LDL/triglyceride vaporizer, I will present you with a magic pen that will automatically clean up your manuscripts for you simply by waving them. Like a magic wand.

  44. 

    I would totally pay a zillion dollars for a calorie vaporizer. I’d probably fight you for that.
    But you can keep the men… ^.^

  45. 

    Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    Dame Weebles had me at Tesla Death Ray to eradicate idiot tourist in Manhattan, read this and love it. And to the tourist that hit me in the face with their travel bag on the 6 train, vengeance is coming

  46. 

    If we’re going to bring back a dead guy, can we just bring back Tesla? I feel like he might solve a few of the world’s problems. And I would like a sensory deprivation chamber to retire to at night. Is that too much to ask? Plus a time machine. And talent.

    • 

      I’m afraid you’ve already got talent, lady. But I can certainly get you a sensory deprivation chamber. I’d love to bring back Tesla because he was BRILLIANT, but he’s nowhere near as hot as my man Robert Cornelius. But there’s still no reason we can’t resurrect them both, right?

  47. 

    Send death ray to me in Miami. Zap tourists, crooked politicians, illegals, nursing home workers, Miami Marlins management….

    • 

      Expect a very large, very dangerous package to arrive at your house soon, Carl. That will take care of all that corruption. And yeah, the Marlins. What is with them? It’s not as if anyone attends their games, either. The poor dears.

  48. 
    whiteladyinthehood December 7, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    I’ll flip her off and she’ll feel compelled to apologize. As a bonus, she’ll spontaneously gain ten pounds. (THAT WAS HILARIOUS!)
    I definitely want a calorie vaporizer in my stocking this year!

  49. 

    At least your tourists don’t drive! Seriously – I grew up in Vegas and now live in a small tourist town – tourists suck, unless I’m on vacation and then they are awesome!

  50. 

    For Christmas, I’d like one of those remote controls like Adam Sandler has in “Click!” Then I could pause the world and go take a nap.

  51. 

    I want Shemar Moore. ;-)

  52. 

    It’s just as well that he’s on my Christmas list and not yours then, isn’t it, my dear friend. Besides, no offense, but as Magnificent as you are, I’m pretty sure Geddy would find me hotter than he’d find you. So it’s a win-win, really.

  53. 

    You make me laugh and laugh, Weebs! I just want a new coat, but I would love love the coffee from ether. That would be grand and simplify my life immensely!!

  54. 

    Dear Santa Weebs,
    I would love to be gifted the wonderful experience of actually sleeping more than three hours a night. But I would settle for a magic middle finger and one glorious uncensored evening with Mr. Varitek.
    Thankyou– i have been a very good girl
    UBS

  55. 

    I went to a Moody Blues concert in Toronto, and swear the *tour photographer* crawling around, snapping everything, was Geddy Lee.
    I have one more Iconic Local shot to take next week, and I’m ready to submit my LibStrong photos.

  56. 

    I would also like a magic finger please!!! I have spent today shopping and it would have been handy.. either that or a bullbar for my pram ;) :0

  57. 

    A calorie vaporizer is the best thing that could ever happen to the female part of mankind! ;)

  58. 

    Robert Cornelius = like
    Geddy Lee = bleah

  59. 

    Le C.,
    I totally agree on this one!

  60. 

    Dear Manhatten, get off of the island. The crazy calls are coming from inside the city. Weebles is inside the city! Flee!

  61. 
    workspousestory December 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    If you do manage to get Cornelius, could I borrow him for a night or two? You know, just to take him around London, sightseeing?

  62. 

    Weather control please Weebs! We’re heading into summer over here and I hate the heat. If you could manage to get me just a small weather bubble that would sit over my house I’d be really grateful. :)

    • 

      That sounds good, Meeka. I’ll be honest with you, that could come in handy here too when summer rolls around again. It will take me a while to get enough wrapping paper to cover your bubble nicely, but as soon as it’s sufficiently gift-wrapped, I’m sending it Down Under for you.

  63. 

    If I volunteer to take everyone’s extra calories – do you think Santa would take cancer away forever? Also, if I ever get to visit New York, would you please be my guide? – I’d bring lots of wine, so if I pissed you off, we would at least be able to get very drunk… then everything would be funny… If those wishes are not available, the air conditioned pillow would be magical… and I’d use the death laser on the fools who dawdle while using their cellphones… any tourists who visit my home town are LOST, and you have to be kind to them… :-)

    • 

      I’ll see if I can commision my team of scientists to develop a cancer zapper, Janet. I probably should have thought of that before, given that cancer has visited my famiy a few times. So I’ll get you a cancer zapper AND a calorie vaporizer. And also the death ray for the cell phone users, because they really do have it coming. The air-conditioned pillow sounds great, doesn’t it? Especially with summer happening in NZ right now. And if you come to NYC, I will absolutely be your tour guide—we’ll booze it up and have a big time!

  64. 

    Oh, and a ps… I had to google Geddy Lee… then I had to Utube Rush… but I would arm-wrestle you for Robert Cornelius in a heartbeat :-)

  65. 

    Zowie! Who knew the father of American Photography was so photogenic? Clap your hands, sister! I feel in need of a cup of coffee ;)

  66. 

    I think you can get a quality calorie vaporizer from amazon with free shipping these days.

  67. 

    Ah Weebs, please let me know when your wish to have folks returned from the dead works. I just went to visit Dead Alexander Hamilton’s statue (with Angie from Childhood Revisited) a few days ago and he was cold and aloof. And cut off from our gazing eyes by a fence. It was heartbreaking. Please, please let me know when this wish of yours comes true.

    • 

      I had no idea Alexander was so distant. That’s awful, Elyse, I’m so sorry. As it happens, he’s buried here in NYC so I’d be happy to wander over and resurrect him for you. And he’d certainly need someone to help him adjust to 21st-century America…I’m confident you’d be just the woman for the job.

  68. 

    I love your Christmas wish list. Can I steal it please. Bare in mind that can quite quickly and successfully garner a fairly substantial army (Doggy’s always ready to go to war) if you say “No”. Oh, alright, I realise you may already have received your magic finger so I’ll apologise for the threats and I simply cannot afford the extra 10 pounds as our Christmas holidays are in summer and consist of a frightening amount of beaches and display of unsuitable quantities of bare skin.
    PS – if I am ever lucky enough to visit your neck of the woods, I promise not to try to photograph anything without people in the way. I will also do my best to walk in a straight line (that might be dependent on how good your alcoholic beverages are and it might be worth mentioning that, in at least one of our 11 – yes, eleven, official languages, there is no word for “straight”)

    • 

      Steal away, LLCD! It’s the season of sharing, you know. My sympathies about having to witness unseemly amounts of bare skin, that’s terrible. One of the reasons I hate the summer time. Too many people who SHOULD keep it covered but don’t. I will be happy to escort you in straight lines around NYC should you ever visit. Also, as a bonus gift for you, me and Doggy, I’m adding a death ray to be aimed at any and all people who would dare to harm even one fur on any animal.

  69. 

    Eyeglass vaporizer – You put on this innocent looking pair of eyeglasses whenever you encounter someone whom you really dislike and it vaporizes him/her. Much smaller and easier to carry than the Tesla death ray.

  70. 

    Were I in New York, I might be a candidate for the Tesla Death Ray. I hate people getting in the way when I’m photographing things, though I hope I’ve got better taste than to choose the tree at Rockefeller Center as an object of photographic desire.

  71. 

    I want Christmas to be yesterday!

  72. 

    I want the death ray to get idiot drivers who cut me up, or won’t let me pull in, out of the way. That will teach them.

  73. 

    I would like a button like the Staples “EASY” button, so when stores begin to advertise Christmas in August, they can get zapped which will automatically close their doors for the rest of the day till they learn to hold off decorating until after Thanksgiving!

    • 

      YES YES YES! I hate that. I know they’re trying to get as much business as possible but for fuck’s sake, Christmas advertising during the summer is WACK. A zapper button shall be yours, benzeknees.

  74. 

    Sadly I’d be the biggest of all idiot tourists.
    Once I cross the street from my apartment I’m already bewildered and confused. I should probably get one of those pet GPS chips installed. Just in case.
    Also I’m going to have to do a random Tesla art-ish project at some point. It seems like that would be kinda cool.

  75. 

    I’m pretty tolerant of tourist ever since I stepped off the curb on a London street, looked the wrong way, and got nailed by a car. I survived. (I guess that went without saying.) I also have been lost in Moscow and Budapest and was very happy for some help. Now, I’m the guy that offers to take pictures and to read maps and to make recommendations. In my mind, we’re all “stupid tourists” when we’re traveling. However, I will give you something that a truly wish would go away and that is seat saving. I hate going to what I think is an empty row and have every seat saved and one person guarding the entire lot. I really believe that if you want a seat, you need to get there and sit in it. I can understand one seat while your spouse is using the facilities, but more than one should be done away with. Either occupy the seat or the seat is up for grabs, that’s my philosophy. And, I have used it and received the withering stare of disbelieving seat savers as I sat down in one of their seats. “That seat is saved,” they reprimand me. I reply, “I’m sorry, but for this performance there is a two-seat save maximum. So, I’m sitting here, unless, you want to try and move me.” No one has tried, yet. HF

    • 

      It’s not all tourists who are idiots, it’s the ones who are genuinely oblivious to everything and everyone around them and become a colossal inconvenience that I mind. I can’t imagine you being one of those types of tourists, HF. And I too almost got nailed by a taxi in London by looking the wrong way. I think it’s a rite of passage when visiting the UK, frankly. I’m with you on the seat savers, although I’ve never seen someone trying to save a whole row. That’s extremely uncool. Big respect for your grassroots movement to institute the two-seat save max. All joy in not being moved!

  76. 

    But don’t you see? You already have your own magic middle finger–all it takes is a little practice (for flipping the perfect bird, your index and ring finger should be folded over so that your knuckles create a line that extends through the knuckle of your extended middle finger–it’s about symmetry). You already have the perfect digit for it, very straight and dignified.

    Regarding the tourists. Now, I get a little snippy about tourists too (whom I generalize as “Fresno.” “Oh look, Fresno’s in town”), but ultimately I realize that my town wouldn’t exist without them. Now, I know that’s not the same for NYC–if I didn’t already know that NYC was the center of the known universe, a New Yorker would remind me. Just the same, hicks like myself might be more inclined to visit the Big Apple if we knew we wouldn’t be scorned simply for the act of doing so.

    • 

      Pfffft. I would never put you in the same category as those hayseeds, Smak. NEVER! And because you understand that NYC is the center of the universe, I will reward you with a special deal: you come over here and I will personally locate all the best purveyors of fine weed products for you. Also, I very much appreciate your tips for the Ultimate Middle Finger. I mean, I know I’m good for an amateur, but if I want to go pro, I really need to improve my technique.

  77. 

    What I’d like for Christmas: A very tall order this, but it would be good if the dear old Church of England could get a grip and sort out the Consecration of women as Bishops and also for all factions of the Church to come clean about all allegations of child abuse and deal with it effectively. And for all non-members of any church to remember that the idea is that the Church exists for the non-members and is made up of imperfect human beings who are only certain of two things (the first is that we’re all big sinners and the second is that Jesus loves us enough to have died for our sins).

    I suspect World Peace might be easier to organise…

  78. 

    I hope you get everything on your list – because I want to see the results!

  79. 

    Way to take full advantage of the Ether, Weebles. God, that made me spit on my screen by accident…

    Is this the one that’s getting Pressed?

    P.S. I have no fucking clue why, but you’re not showing up in my feed. I’m writing a letter to word press. Here it is.

  80. 

    I don’t think I’m going to get my wish for world peace either, but I like that you took a different route. I like all of those on your list, particularly anything that will annihilate calories. The finger? Got that years ago, and I get great use out of it. Since you’re shopping, and you did ask, I need to someone to replace my cell phone. I mean, I need it…badly. I just emailed Santa Claus, for real.

  81. 

    So I take it that you’re aware that Rush was voted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Merry Christmas to you!

  82. 

    I think I just want to get out of retail! The “holiday” season is much less merry on the inside track :(

  83. 

    the keurig one-cup is close to magic coffee. i put one of these little gems in my bedroom. because i am that lazy.

    i’ll take the tesla death ray, but want it integrated into my magic middle finger. if they piss me off? they die. modern day medusa.

    • 

      See, this is why I love you. A magic middle finger WITH a Tesla death ray?? Now THAT’S a good idea. What say you bring that riding crop of yours to NYC for a visit and we can discuss this further over cocktails?

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