Fuck You: Year-end (or World-end) edition

Madame Weebles —  December 21, 2012 — 142 Comments

If you’re reading this, the world hasn’t ended…yet.  The Mayans didn’t say what time the end would come, or in what time zone, but let’s assume we have at least a few more hours.  If the world does explode today, I want to say farewell with a Fuck You medley.

Fuck you, gun nuts.  ObamaFuck you and your arguments about how owning assault weapons protects us from tyranny.  The United States has the biggest arsenal on the planet.  If the government wanted to subdue the masses, do you honestly think a semi-automatic rifle would help you?  You could have a Howitzer in your front yard and it wouldn’t matter.  And you morons truly believe that arming everyone would prevent horrific shootings like the one in Newtown??  Rot in hell, you twisted, deranged scumbags.

Fuck you, cottage cheese.  I despise you.  I truly do.  If I were stranded somewhere and you were the only thing available to eat, I’d starve to death.  You’re disgusting.  You have icky curds and a funky aroma, and I still have PTSD from the one time I tried you.  People say you’re a good, healthy snack.  I disagree.  You’re nasty, and I hope you become someone’s prison bitch.

Fuck you, cancer.  StealthYou miserable fucking mutants.  You’ve killed millions of people.  You’ve tried to take out members of my family.  What is your fucking problem?  As long as I’m alive, I vow to fight you.  I will make sure everyone I know is vigilant about keeping you away and getting rid of you as fast as possible.  Drop dead.

Fuck you, Tom Cruise.  I hate you.  You’re a shitty actor and you’re insane.  And your voice annoys the shit out of me.  By the way, you’re about as suited to play Jack Reacher as I am.  Fuck you.  For the love of Xenu, go to the Scientology compound and stay there.  Permanently.  Do not speak or show yourself in public ever again.  You suck.

Fuck you, CEOs.  You’re greedy, evil motherfuckers.  You’ve destroyed so many lives with your callous disregard for your employees and your customers.  You’re soulless vultures who would sell your families for a few extra bucks.  I want to be there when the Universe doles out your karmic retribution.  I would mock you, laugh heartily, and eat popcorn while you suffered the slings and arrows of your outrageous fortune, as it were.  Blow me.

Fuck you, man sitting behind me on the plane.  Grumpy catYou couldn’t gently put your tray back up—no, you had to slam it into the back of my seat.  Were you trying to give me whiplash or was that just a bonus?  And then you grabbed my seat back to hoist yourself up every time you changed positions.  Asswipe.  I reclined my seat in hopes of pissing you off but you didn’t seem to mind.  That just pissed me off more.  If I ever see you again, I will cut you into teeny tiny pieces.

Fuck you, dickwad standing behind me on line at the ATM.  Do you always stand that close to people you don’t know?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  You should have at least bought me a drink or asked for my name before you crawled up my ass.  I have three words for you: Personal space, motherfucker.

(Also, I really will be blogging about my party with Darla, Calahan, and Joe—as soon as the dust settles from Armageddon.)

142 responses to Fuck You: Year-end (or World-end) edition

  1. 
    Fish Out of Water December 21, 2012 at 7:27 am

    I’m with you on everything except for cottage cheese. Well I guess I should be with you on that one too, since I don’t eat dairy.

  2. 

    Ah can I suggest while reading this you play ‘Fuck the world’ by Insane Clown Posse? It goes ever so well and I do love the sentiment of both. Madame Weebles you do make me giggle…I think I love you for the laughter you bring to my life! xxx

  3. 

    Fuck you for not writing these more often because I like them and I just yelled “HERE HERE!” after every section.

  4. 

    Brilliantly Weebs! Meanwhile, being in Cincinnati, Mark Twain words protect me – because the end of the world is still 20 years away.

    By the way, hope you can stop by on Christmas Eve (party actually starting at 8 pm on the 23rd) …. good red wine awaits your presence.

  5. 

    ….. And to all a good night. Tra la la la laaaa

  6. 

    Fuck you, cottage cheese is right. THAT stuff is nasty, Nasty, NASTY.

  7. 

    And a hearty “fuck you” from me too! Especially to those gun nuts. I can’t even get started on that now, I’m trying to remain calm and repeat ‘serenity now’ in my head.

  8. 

    I fucking loved this. The world can end now.

  9. 

    Glad you are in full holiday mode!

  10. 

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if today were not the end of the World, but rather the end of all the things on your list today? I especially vote for the guy in the airplane seat behind me (every time that happens, I swear I have to do everything in my power to control my Scorpio death ray from taking him or her out. They have no idea how lucky they are to be alive…). Can’t wait to read the account of the tea party.

    • 

      Oh, man, wouldn’t that be fantastic, if all of these things were to just evaporate? Especially the guy on the airplane. I would pay good money to see you and your Scorpio death stare, Cathy!

  11. 

    And the same to that lady always ahead of me in the grocery store check out with the expired debit card and then starts counting out pennies.

  12. 

    I can’t wait until we’re married. I hate cottage cheeze too…

  13. 

    Wow, they grow ‘em feisty in your neck of the woods.

    Fuckin woods…

  14. 

    Except for cottage cheese, I’m with you all the way, Weebles. (My wife thinks I’m insane for liking cottage cheese, too. Come to think of it, everyone I know thinks I’m insane for liking cottage cheese.) By the way, if you wish to read perhaps the funniest cottage cheese rant there ever was or will be, I recommned Bill Bryson’s “The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid.” The book is funny for many other reasons, too.

    This post — no joke — really put me in the holiday spirit. You got me to laugh in the face of evil things (and, yes, poor, defenseless cottage cheese) and I’m now in a great mood.

    Thank you! Have a hap-hap-happy holiday!

    • 

      Mr. Weebles likes cottage cheese too, Mike. You’re not alone. I’ll have to check out Bill Bryson’s book, he’s funny. I’m glad this post put you in the holiday mood—too bad the one after it sort of harshed your mellow. But if you read the post AFTER that one, then hopefully it put you back in the mood again.

  15. 

    Had yourself a hootenanny with The King’s Speech there didn’t ya Madame? Good! Rage! Rage against zealots, disease, curds of cheese, cruisers, losers, rotten users, greedy bastards and space invaders. Then let’s have some tea. I’ll bring the rum balls. Love ya, mean it.

  16. 

    Hey no fair,I made my Brandy balls first!!! Well said Ms MW ahh ‘cept for the cheese part.Thats ok I still will be your friend and all.Merry Holidays to you and yours from a fan in Alabama…

  17. 

    Merry Christmas Madam Weebles…with you all the way especially that Cancer son of a gun….

  18. 

    This needs to be fucking pressed, Madame.
    You spoke from my heart…

  19. 

    Fuck yeah! You is a truth-speaker Weebs. The statue needs to be bigger

  20. 

    Yeah… I hear ‘ya.

  21. 

    I am so very deeply offended right now, I’m not sure what to even say. I mean….what has this world come to? Sure, Tom Cruise is crazy. People who really like guns are the same people who have kids with entitlement issues. Cancer sucks! Sucks Balls!! The Have’s are doing a wonderful job at holding on to what they have. But….why? Why do you have to go on and attack something that is apart of the greatest family in the world? Cottage Cheese is magnificent. I say good day.

    • 

      I knew I was running the risk of greatly offending someone… Oh, Brother Jon, what can I tell you. I know your feelings about cheese. I do. I understand your pain. When people speak badly of pickles and olives, a little part of me dies. But cottage cheese is just… no.

  22. 

    I woke up this morning with my own Fuck You rant formulating in my mind. Thank you Madame, you are an inspiration for venting rage and frustration.

    • 

      I shall look forward to reading your rant! I love your Gravatar photo, btw.

      • 

        You know, I wrote my rant and by the end it had transformed into something completely different. As I wrote, layer upon layer of anger and hate peeled back to reveal some very deep and personal pain that I was denying. Too personal event to reveal on my blog due to the ramifications of posting those thoughts. There are some things for now, I will be forced to keep within. For now, my rant will remain unwritten. Though I’d be happy to go off about a recent Christmas Newsletter I received. ;)

        Thanks for the compliment on my gravatar. :)

  23. 

    Can I add to the “personal space” fuck you? Tailgaters, close talkers, and person in front of you on airplane that tilts seat AAAAALLLLLLLLL the way back.

  24. 

    I salute all of these!
    Oh, and sorry about the plane seat thing… and the ATM… only, once I’d got your scent on the flight I had to follow you… just for a few hours… okay, days… and I won’t do it again… but oh you smelled good…
    hehehe :twisted:

  25. 

    I’m glad you took the time to right this. If this was the last thing that I read before my (supposedly) imminent death, I’m glad it was a this. Madame Weebles, I salute you!

  26. 

    Best. Fucking. Post. Ever. When my blog grows up it wants to be able to express it’s feelings as well as yours.

  27. 

    You had a party and Calahan was there? I am so fucking jealous. For the record, the last one about the ATM was so great I actually said, “I love you” out loud to the computer screen. It was meant for you, but now looking back it was really just weird. I still love you though.

    • 

      And of course I love you too. But you can love your computer screen too, I don’t judge. Calahan is a WILD MAN, by the way. He led the conga line, consumed about 20 jello shots, and then he and I did some lines of coke off a hooker’s ass. It was a crazy scene. And seriously, people who stand that close at ATMs deserve mass quantities of scorn.

  28. 

    the guy on the plane should drown in cottage cheese. people on planes lose all manners…

  29. 

    Oh boy. I can’t wait til the next apocalypse comes around! Look out gun nuts!

  30. 

    And fuck you to my stupid fucking Internet at work and forcing me to access this on my fucking phone.

  31. 

    Fan-fucking-tastic, Weebles. I’m with you on everything, especially the fucking gun nuts and cottage cheese. Neither should be allowed to survive the apocalypse.

  32. 

    Ahh, such a dainty demure rose the Madame is…

    (Great post–loved it!)

  33. 

    Perfect, Weebs. Just what we all need to celebrate our last day on the planet…a “Fuck You” post. Love it! Especially the guns part. it’s insanity. This was spiritual and quite poetic.

  34. 

    Welcome back! I had a dream about you last night. Please don’t get offended but it was only a dream, but you were a black woman with an afro. You’re pretty as you are but you looked pretty black too. It’s crazy the way dreams are! See you later…

  35. 

    I know we’re both married, Weebs, but…. Marry me.

  36. 

    Okay, I’ve read both this and the addendum. And as I look at this post at ca. 3:35 pm EST, the stealth bomber is here. Did WordPress reinstate the image after an instant replay?

  37. 

    Excellent. I agree with Amy of The Bumble Files- indeed, spiritual and poetic.

  38. 

    This. Is. Beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post with the word “fuck” in it so many times. I brought a tear to me eye…

  39. 

    Your visceral rage energizes me.

  40. 

    Just, wow. That was awesome. I think I’m ready for the Apocalypse now.

  41. 

    Ee gads, I hate cottage cheese. Yuck.

    And I am excited for that party – it’s going to be cra-zay!

  42. 

    I’m in a quandary here, Madame W.
    Are you of a more Victorian or Elizabethan temperament?

    • 

      Hi Jots! This is an excellent and extremely interesting question. I guess I’d have to say I have more of an Elizabethan temperament, with regard to both the queen and the era. Although I find the Victorian era much more interesting personally.

      • 

        Actually, Madame W…my question was rhetorical with a wee bit (well, perhaps a lot) of sarcastic humour. My apologies…
        However, you have now been elevated (in Jots infamous Book) from Madame to Queen W. No shit.

        • 

          Ohhhh! It’s just that I loved the question so it didn’t occur to me that it was rhetorical/sarcastic, although obviously it should have. In any case, thank you!! We are pleased. ;)

  43. 

    Well, fuck you too. Also, fuck you for your help in solving the Mystery of the Missing Photograph.

  44. 

    Buy me a drink before you crawl up my ass…lol. You crack me up lady. :-)

  45. 

    I agree with you on everything but the cottage cheese. How could you?! Cottage cheese with potato chips is my favorite snack ever.

  46. 

    Fuck You Tom Cruise!
    Amen.

  47. 

    This was the ultimate list. Another elegant post of fuck you from Madame Weebles.

  48. 

    That is the best picture of a cat saying “fuck you” ever! And I heartily agree with all your curses. Especially the gun nuts.

  49. 

    Your uninhibited use of the word fuck warms my heart. :)

  50. 

    I missed this one, I love this one, I am in complete and absolute agreement with every single one of your “Fuck you’s”.

  51. 
    whiteladyinthehood December 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Oh…I hate the personal space invader….yes, yes, back the fuck up!!!

  52. 

    I am with you on all of your ‘fuck you’s’ and may I add one?

    Fuck you drug companies – there are alternatives to prescribed drugs for so many conditions, physical and psychological, but you’re not interested in cognitive behavioural therapy or herbal remedies because there aint no profit in it for you! So Fuck You!

  53. 

    Oh, I fucking hate Tom Cruise for thinking he could play Jack Reacher, too! I’m taller than Tom Cruise. (He’s about 4’11″, right?). But more than that, Tom Cruise looks like a homicidal maniac on meth. Yes, fuck you, Tom Cruise.

  54. 

    Well, I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Glad to see we’ve all survived the post apocolypse to give the finger another day. Merry Christmas.

  55. 

    Thanks for having the courage to say what all of us feel!

  56. 

    I’m glad there’s someone out there who’s not afraid to tell it like it is!

  57. 

    Reblogged this on Oh, Grow Up and commented:
    Hilarious shit right here. I need to do one of these.

  58. 

    LOL, now you can rant some more until the next apocalypse. Have fun!

  59. 

    In a word – brilliant -:)!

  60. 

    At least you’re in touch with your feelings…

  61. 

    I knew instinctively that i would love your Space Madame Weebles you have such a wickedly excellent sense of humour and I really like that :) ;)

    I also like this little quote of yours “Icky Curds and a Funky Aroma” which could easily fit the description of Batman’s sidekicks underpants, I mean that Robin stinks in so many different ways don’t you think? :( Icky ;) lmao xxx

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Addendum: Fuck you, censorship | Fear No Weebles - December 21, 2012

    [...] ← Fuck You: Year-end (or World-end) edition [...]

  2. 2nd Addendum: Fuck you, Autosave | Fear No Weebles - December 21, 2012

    [...] me after all.  I have now put the “Die, Motherfuckers” photo in its rightful place, here, in all its [...]

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