A non-Valentine

Madame Weebles —  February 11, 2013 — 163 Comments

I hate Valentine’s Day.  Always have.  When I was single, I looked at happy couples, men buying flowers, and women carrying flowers, and it turned my blood to bile.  I hated them all.  I was sickly green with envy.  It would eat at me until I wanted nothing more than to recreate the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, except with a lot more carnage.  Cupid could take those arrows and shove them up his chubby little ass. Crab

No love songs played in my house.  It was The Smiths, The Cure, Elvis Costello… any gloomy, angry, or depressing songs were okay.  After endless dating disasters and unhealthy relationships, I resigned myself to being one of those bitter, cranky, single New York women who always wore black, lived with her cat, and had regular threesomes with Ben & Jerry.

Then Mr. Weebles came along.

Who am I kidding, I’m still bitter and cranky, I still wear black, I still have cats, and although the threesomes aren’t so regular anymore, Ben & Jerry and I are still friends with benefits.

Mr. Weebles hates Valentine’s Day too.  When we first started dating, he warned me that he didn’t like the forced sentiment imposed by a Hallmark Holiday.  Fine, I said.  We’ll do the opposite of something Valentine-ish.  So instead of lovey-dovey gestures and fancy dinners, we celebrate Valentine’s Day at the least romantic venue of all:  Hooters.  Because nothing says Be My Valentine quite like cute girls in skimpy outfits, curly fries, and ESPN blaring.

Mr. Weebles is a modest guy.  If you’ve read this, you know this about him.  He doesn’t dig attention or grandiose gestures.  So, honey, if you’re reading this, tough shit.

Our good friend Meizac (Meizac and Mr. Weebles are friends too) posted a song on Facebook this morning—“Dead Sea” by the Lumineers.  I hadn’t heard it before so I looked up the lyrics.  There were two lines in particular that killed me:

You’ll never sink when you are with me

Honey can’t you see I was born to be your Dead Sea

This is how I feel.  Dude, you know that as long as I’m alive, I will never, ever, let you sink.  I would kill anyone who tried to hurt you.  I love you with every fiber of my being, and I would do anything and everything for you.  You were my missing puzzle piece.  Thank you so much for finding me.  Happy February 11th.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I need a few boxes of tissues.

163 responses to A non-Valentine


    “I’ve Never Been to Me” makes me weepy even though I’m not a gay man who’s not quite hip with his homo-seckshul-al-eh-tee yet.
    But I feel you, but not in that way. See, there is no finish this gay-themed comment without sounding gay. So, I’ll stop.


    I love this post!! Without my wife I would be nothing – she saved my life!!


    I haven’t negotiated a threesome with Mr’s Ben & Jerry yet, but it definitely sounds like a plan for Thursday!


    Truly touching, Weebs. Seriously. I’m so glad you found Mr. Weebs. Have a great non-Valentine’s week!


    Awww Madame Weebles has a soft side. You’re like Axl Rose with November Rain.

    The worst thing about Valentine’s Day is how it means different things to different people. Some girls are soooo into it and it’s not even girls who usually are snobbish about those kinds of things. Other girls think you’re a pussy if you even so much suggest doing something. For me it’s kind of like my birthday in the sense why not be romantic whenever it feels right? On my birthday I hate people being nice to me just because it’s my birthday. Be nice to me at random times instead.


      Yeah, every once in a while the soft side comes out, much to my annoyance. I don’t envy you guys with the whole Valentine’s stuff. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Mr. Weebles has the same mindset, why be nice just on one special day? It shouldn’t have to be a forced thing just because it’s Valentine’s Day or your birthday.


    Wow, those two lines are definitely great, and I definitely can relate to them with my man. Your post was very touching, I’m not crying though, I just have something in my eye. I like how you showed a hard-nosed exterior with a melty centre, like a soft centred chocolate that has a…hard-nosed exterior (work with me here).


      It must be allergies or something, Vanessa. And I know what you mean. :) Every once in a while that damned gooey center comes out. Melty chocolate or marshmallow or something. I hate that.


    I love your attitude, Madame! I’m still looking for my missing puzzle piece, too. So glad you and Mr. Weebles found each other. Happy Hootersday to both of you!


    Never again. I sprained something writing this. From now on it’s back to the bitchy steel and concrete exterior for me.


    smiling at this one :)


    Old single and alone since 1984 but Valentine from 2 granddaughters would be best of any possible.


    Sorry about that bile problem, but it seems you have learned to deal with it. Consider Valentine’s a holiday of another religion and be done with the bitterness (though I know it can taste mighty fine at times). After all, do you waste worthy bitterness on Easter if you’re not Christian? Or Hannukah if you’re not Jewish?


      This is an excellent way of looking at it, Writing Waters. So where were you when I was single and pissed off? Your wisdom sure could have come in handy then. To think of all the bitterness I wasted on February 14th, when i could have used it for so many other things.


    Wait…are you telling me that Morrissey doesn’t write love songs? What about Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now?


      It may as well be, for as often as I’ve played it. That one and “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me”–they’re both on my playlist quite often, even to this day. Morrissey might be nuts now, but those songs really speak to me.


    I’m with you and Man-Weebles, I don’t care for Valentine’s Day. Although it didn’t particularly bother me when I was single (I’m a guy, so just like with aging, society gives me a pass on this one), I had girl-friends (as in platonic) who got really bummed on VDay. And as a person who’s no longer single, I dislike the way the holiday has become an obligation. My wife is very cool about it, but it’s still a pressure-holiday. My wife and I went out for Valentine’s Day last night–beat the rush.

    And I don’t have to be in a bad mood to listen to Elvis Costello or the Smiths. I’d have to be high on bath salts to listen to the Cure (except for my favorite Cure song, the song all “true” Cure fans despise–“Friday I’m In Love”).


    The best non-Valentine post I’ve ever read.


    You mean Ben and Jerry are cheating on me? The cads.


      Robin, you have no idea how crushed I was when I found out that all the chicks I knew were seeing them as well. I felt so dirty and used. But as it turns out, I really like feeling dirty and used.


    I’m glad you have Mr. Weebles to spend non-Valentines Day with. I hate Valentines Day, too. My ex-husbands were not very romantic so Valentines Day is much the same with them or without them. A bust. But having Mr. Weebles all the time is a real plus. It makes Valentines Day a non-day. Thanks for a lovely post, Madame Weebles.


    First off, let me say this is a very nice tribute to your husband. And second off, sometimes I wonder if you and I are the same person. I, too, have always hated Valentine’s Day, and I’ve been married forever. In fact, when I opened my reader today, I couldn’t figure out why there were so many Valentine’s Day posts, and then I realized the commercialized holiday is only a few days away. Super. Although my husband and I don’t go to Hooters, we also don’t worry about pandering to each other. Much nicer that way.


      It’s just good sense, Carrie. All the hoopla, all the expectations, all the forced sentimentality. It’s nauseating, and not in a good way. I cringe when I start seeing the Valentine’s Day cards and gifts coming out at the stores. Blecch. Don’t get me wrong, when I was single, I would have given a kidney or two to get a bouquet of roses from a guy I liked. But it never happened. Hence the extra bitterness. But now just having Mr. Weebles sitting on the couch next to me makes me happy. So it’s all good.


    “regular threesomes with Ben & Jerry” made my day. As for the rest, well, I told you I was going to get all snot-teary on here. SERVES YOU RIGHT. xo


    We were stupid (and I do mean, way too young to know the difference, or the nauseating issues that would ensue) to get married on Valentine’s Day. 26 years this week. Ouch. Your tribute is funny and sweet, and makes me think we should Hooters this year!


    Well, I am that single, New York woman, wearing black and talking to my animals…sniff sniff, sigh. I’m glad you found your Mr. Weebles. It’s sweet. I’m a complete sap/loser though. I love flowers and romance. And at Hooters I am afraid a pube will end up as a garnish on a plate of wings or something…I wish Dear Abby, (RIP) was still around!


      I feel you, sister. I feel you. But you are not a sap, absolutely not. I do recommend the wings and curly fries at Hooters, though, they’re pretty good. And in all the times I’ve been there, I haven’t discovered anything unsavory in my dish. (Knock wood)


    This makes me believe in love again!


    I’m with you Weebs….Valentine’s Day has become a commercial holiday so Hallmark can meet their quotas….it’s all bullshit. If you’re in love, you should celebrate it every day, not just because some chain store wants to sell some cards and silly stuffed bears with hearts.


    Hahaha! Love your Non-Valentine’s Day!
    I happen to L O V E VALENTINE’s DAY!
    I think it is absolutely wonderful to take a day to give love to everyone and anyone because there is so much HATE in this world and to take an official day off from hate… is just brilliant.
    Valentine’s Day isn’t about receiving, it’s all about giving!!!


    Aw, you’re sweet (but I won’t tell anybody, I promise). I have to put Valentine’s Day in my desktop calendar with a one-week reminder or I’ll forget about it completely. I’ve always been indifferent to it whether I was single or married, but Hubby likes to do the flowers-and-card thing. I feel guilty if I don’t at least get my ass out of my chair and pick out a card for him. Reading those sugary cards makes me queasy, but being married to a guy like him makes it all worthwhile. :-)


    I’m starting to be like the single you, and I’m but 18, jeeze. I seriously need attention or something.
    But even when not single I’d totally hate the Valentine stuff. Hearts piss me off no matter what. It can be a good day to do something special or something, but that doesn’t necessarily have to include pink, hearts, or ‘I love you’s’ right?
    I like to see love more like you do. Glad you found Mr Weebles! :)


      There aren’t smokin’ hot Belgian men beating down your door? WTF? That’s just wrong. You should have them lining up. Yeah, hearts are kind of nauseating, aren’t they? And I hate the color pink. HATE.


    I just think of Valentine’sDay as Mom’s birthday and I get by on that. As a kid who didn’t get more than on valentine card (from the teacher) I learned pretty young that it was a day that I wasn’t going to get all caught up in. I always found love on the other 364 days of the year and to me that is what matters.


    I kind of agree with Mr Weebles on this one. It is a bit of a Hallmark enforced event. In the UK it is a bit like that, but the day is between partners. This thing in the US where kids send cards to their classmates, or grandmas send it to grandchildren seems slightly creepy because of it.


      It was like that when I was a kid too, Elliot. Valentine’s cards for everyone in the class, etc. It’s really kind of ridiculous. It was 40 years ago and it’s even sillier now. I can see how it would seem creepy to you—it kind of is.


        Having said that I slightly broke my rule by getting a card for my son to his mother. But only because it had stickers with it that he could manage and I thought she might like that.


    This is your Valentine Day blog??!! I guess this is as romantic we will ever see from Madame Weeble. Lol @ blood to bile!! I guess when you were oozing with such powerful digestive juice back in the day, there was no such thing as indigestion during the week of Valentine day.hahaha.
    My biggest Valentine day mistake is getting my wife objects of instant depreciation, year in and year out. Needless to say, she gets a nice shiny 1oz silver bullion from me every Valentine day.hehehe


      I know, I’m a sappy one, aren’t I? As you already know, I LOVE that silver bullion idea, Chris. It’s clever and creative and practical! And shiny. Never forget shiny.


        Given the terrible economy, my wife also agrees its a great idea. We’ll be doing silver coin exchange for all the future Hallmark holidays.lol
        Gotta spread the word to all your friends and family! And of course you might have to upgrade from a jewelry box to a treasure chest.lol. What did Mr.Weeble think about the idea?


    You know what I got from this post? That you misspelled “fibre.”


    Ohhh Mada, this was too sweet, luckily is not the 14th (I hate that date too).
    I have a lover and he’s welcome in my bed even when my husband is around, Häagen-Dazs, he’s all love.


    This is the best non-Valentine of all time. I am also not a fan of Valentine’s Day, either. Mr. Weebles is really lucky to have you. Seriously. I feel lucky to have you and we’ve never even been in the same damn room. Well, not physically, anyway!


    Madame Weebles, there seems to be a trend of bloggers who don’t like Valentine’s Day. I’m another one. Although I’ll use it as a topic to write a few posts about! ;)


      Hi Tom! You know what, for some reason it looks like I am not following you. I WAS following you, I don’t know what happened. I will remedy this. Good to know I have a lot of company in the anti-Valentine’s camp!


    Ahh, so sweet on February 11. Mr. Weebles has a great Dead Sea, and he’s a lucky man. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I rather like the whole sentimental, lovey, sappy day — but I don’t celebrate it. Valentine’s Day could come and go, and my husband and I wouldn’t realize until a week later that we had missed it. We’ll have family members ask us what we did for our anniversary (in April), and we’ll look at each other and say, “Crap! Forgot it again!” It’s all my fault. I’m just not into celebrating “days.”


    Aw, man! That was so nice, Madame – except… now I’m feeling even worse about the fact I’ve got nothin’ for this V-Day. Seriously… I used-up all my ‘bestest’ material early. What was I thinking?! I should have drawn that **** out!


    you are like a volcano cake — soft and gooey inside — I like that – when my husband and I first met, our favourite song was “love stinks” – we changed each other’s mind – we did not play that song at our wedding
    Lucky mr. weebs!


    by the way that pic that shoes up when I leave a comment is really what I look like


    *gives a box tissues and a cupcake* Oh wait…*gives one tissue and a box of cupcakes*…no fan of Valentine’s day here. It’s super commercial and annoying with the little hearts slapping in your face. I rather celebrate things whenever I want. Big hello to Mr. Weebles and I’m really glad you two found each other. Loved this post! *adds sprinkles to the cupcakes*


      Thanks, TJ! You’re right, I hate all that hearts shit too. Do they do all kinds of Valentine’s nonsense in the Netherlands too?? I thought it was just us.


        Yep, pretty much the same in Holland, though not sure if it’s bigger in the States though. We do have lots of heart and heart shaped stuff in the shops and it’s very annoying. Also with Halloween, it’s very commercial and not fun.


    Yo yo, you can’t be dropping this kind of stuff on me when I’m still stuck at work.

    I must be honest that it took me a bit of time to understand the lyrics as intended. That’s a really cool image, being held up by wuv.

    You know me, so you know this isn’t quite my style. But believe you me this, I love you too. Best friend I’ve ever had, best person to spend time after time with.


    Hey black is a wonderful colour to wear, I should know :) lol Now what is this about not liking Valentine’s Day Madame Weebles… Nope this will never do, so I will have to call by later this week and bring you something, nothing to extrvagant but something for sure :) In the meantime you have a super rest of evening and a delightfully enjoyable Tuesday :) Oh and by the way, the Cat joke is brilliant :)


    We’re very low key about Valentine’s Day. Hubs and I realized early that dinner at a restaurant that evening usually means big crowds, limited menus, harried waitstaff, and food that’s not up to usual standards. Better to go out another night and treat each other nice on normal days.

    Have a happy any day with Mr. Weebs!


      I imagine that restaurant staff and many retailers hate Valentine’s Day as well, for those very reasons, JM. Much better to just be nice on random days. And cheaper, too. Hope you and the hub have a happy Any Day as well!


    Valentine Day is a stupid event created by marketing and retail. So this is the perfect post….Oh, these last few lines…looks suspiciously like something for Hallmark…No, this is too real. (Nicely done)
    (Happy Luna New Year – use all that extra red construction paper for a real holiday?)


    Awwww, nice tribute. I’m not really that into Valentines, there’s so much hype and expectation built up to what, the fact that I luuuurve my wife? Er, I love her just as much on the 15th. And the 23rd May, 17 September, and … well you get the picture.



      Exactly right, Nigel. All that build-up for one day? Silly. And it just serves to make single people feel like crap. I’m not into that. I hope you and your wife had a lovely February 15th.


    Aww. You just gave me the warm fuzzies.

    But Hooters on Valentine’s Day? Damn.


    Today is officially Dead Sea Day.


    Aw! You two are so meant for each other! Oh god, what is it about this holiday? I hated it when I was single, I think I hate it even more now that I’m married.


    I don’t like Valentines Day either. I think it’s silly.


    Nice tribute to what sounds like a good guy Weebs even though I had to re-read “missing puzzle piece” for my eyes played tricks on me and I first read it as “missing muzzle piece.” That’s sweet that Mr. Weebles brings out your Jerry Maguire “you complete me” side.


    Amen. i don’t like the expectations that come with VD. Whether i’m smitten and disgustingly in love, or bitter, empty and crushed, i find it horrid. The idea of spending VD in a Hooters? Outstanding! i’ve got a work lunch that day, but plan to spend the evening sorting out my taxes. Me and the man-toy have had plenty of raucous adventures of late… i can take a night off!


    Madame, I apologize for my lateness. Your post did not appear in my “In box.” Whaa. Sorry. I understand, my husband doesn’t like to celebrate the forced Hallmark money maker. We usually rarely go out on V-Day because the prices are all jacked everywhere, and it’s crowded.

    I love what you say here! Soooo sweet. You are obviously with the love of your life. Hand me that tissue box.


      No worries, Bumble! Evidently many people did not receive the email on this one. *shaking fist at WordPress* And really, what’s the point of the whole enforced “romance” of Valentine’s Day? Blechh. And here’s a tissue. :)


    This was all romantical and stuff, and it left me feeling a little funny. Are those emotions? I’d better tamp those down with B&J. Despite my general disdain for romance, I would step over my own children for a bouquet of flowers any day of the year. Hooters is a reasonable substitute.


      After I wrote this post I swallowed my emotions with some B&Js too. Flowers and Hooters are reasonably equivalent, it’s true, but having said that, I would step over a lot of children for flowers.


    Awww. Every day is a little easier with someone like Mr W around.

    The Unbearable Banishment February 12, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Hey! Wait a minute! “Dude, you know that as long as I’m alive…” doesn’t sound so bitter and cranky to me! Boy. What a load of baloney you turned out to be. Has someone already pointed this discrepancy out to you? Who are you trying to kid? Us or yourself? You can take the girl out of South of Houston but, etc…


    Weebly, that was beautiful. How lucky you are to have found your missing puzzle piece. I don’t make a big deal out of valentine’s day either. The person you love should know it 365 days a year, not just the one that Hallmark makes a killing on. I know it’s not the 14th yet, but I love you Weebly. ;-) xo.


    Cheers to toasting your relationship … OK … Ching Ching to my two favorite Weebles with red wine … (But not yet, it’s still breakfast time for me). Meanwhile, the Ben & Jerry line cracked me up … And V-Day at Hooter’s … ha ha … but that’s a place my wife refuses to go.


      Your wife must be a lot classier than I am, Frank! I hope you had a lovely Valentine’s Day—btw I had a very nice Sassabruna Super Tuscan the other day. Didn’t catch the year but it was really good.


        Regarding Hooters, she refuses to go because of the way they use women to display themselves. She’s no prude, just her principles. For V-Day, she gave me her traditional gift —- black licorice.

        Glad you enjoyed the Super Tuscan. I haven’t had that one, but I’ll take your word. BTW – I had wonderful wine on my trip to Italy – after all, two of my cousins have good taste!

        Hey – Although I haven’t posted much of late, make sure to stop by tomorrow (Sunday).


    Thank you Weebs for putting the whole mess into perspective.

    I’m also thanking whoever sorted out our Saints rota because praise be, we don’t have Valentine on Thursday but Saints Methodias and Cyril.


      Well praise to Methodias and Cyril! I do feel bad for St. Valentine because he really did get lost in the shuffle, didn’t he. It’s not HIS fault that his day became associated with so much treacle and nausea.


        The truth about Valentine? There were probably 3 men named Valentine, and all three of them died in pretty disgusting, grisly, painful martyrdom deaths. There’s an image on FB at https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/66968_10151465349415498_1821892137_n.jpg which is an Orthodox icon with the “meme” text on it saying how Valentine died. I think you’ll quite like it.

        No idea how grisly death got attached to mushy “romance”, unless it’s because one of the Valentines used to sign letters to his girl something like “love, your Valentine” in the same way that Mr Weebles might leave you a note around the house saying “love, your Mr Weebles”.


    I hear you on Hallmark Day, sister…if it weren’t for all the fuss at stores and on the streets, I wouldn’t even know it’s happening.


    How is it that we agree on nearly everything (except baseball favorites)?
    Hallmark has managed to morph virtually every holiday into a guilt-filled collection plate. With the exception of shopping of any kind, Lisa hates V-day more than anything else; just another reason she and I get along so well. When I was in grade school V-day was the day when the hierarchy of popular classmates was established. After the counting was done the cliques were established. What’s not to love?
    So I have to ask, which version of B&J threesome is your favorite? Mine is New York Super Fudge Chunk; if you’re going down that road you may as well go all the way!
    Happy hooterville day to you and Mr. Weebs!


      And Spring Training is almost here, buddy! Let the trash talk BEGIN!

      Lisa is my kind of gal. I too hated V-Day in school, it was a total popularity contest. I didn’t win. My B&J of choice is usually Chubby Hubby—it’s got pretty much everything in it, so you can’t go wrong there.


    Joe was in a band when I met him, and that February they threw an Anti-Valentines Day party and played at our favorite bar. He sent flowers to my work that year too, with a card attached: Happy Anti-Valentines Day. We think it’s dumb, too. I’d rather get flowers for no reason, on some random day of the year, instead of the one day everyone and their mom is on 1-800-Flowers trying to order a bouquet!


    A year or two ago I left my other half a few words of love on a Post it note. I’d told him I’d do as much the day before. He hadn’t believed me… so I had to!

    We sort of do Valentine’s day, but only in our own, individual way. Not the yucky sort of way. Well… apart from chocolates. Choccies are always welcome. I think I’ll just go and see if there are any choccies about…


    I’m sort of relieved I’m single this year, gives me a break from it all. Last year was alright on Valentines, she was limping like a one legged pirate when I was done with her at some fancy hotel down south. Year before that I can’t remember what I did but I’m sure it was awesome. I shall spend this year stewing in my own bitterness and loving it.


    It’s nice when you both feel the same way about a holiday – in my case I like the holidays acknowledged & my birthday too, but my hubby doesn’t. So guess what happens. Sometimes he forgets & sometimes he doesn’t. 17 years later & I still never know what will happen. Sometimes it hurts!


      Understandable, benzeknees. It can be upsetting when there’s an imbalance in the celebration level of each spouse. I hope he remembers and acknowledges ALL the holidays for you this year. Tell him I’ll pay him a visit if he doesn’t.


    Thank you, Weebs! I have always boycotted Valentine’s Day because it’s so contrived and the gestures seemingly insincere. Luckily, my wife is as equally cynical as I am, so we always forget that it’s even a holiday.


    YOU SAP!

    I think Valentine’s Day, as it has become, is so lame. I’ve never been interested in the flowers or chocolate or teddy bears. I am interested in that little extra something that you do to show someone you love that you appreciate them.

    I’ve spent this day with friends, with family, by myself and with significant others. I’ve enjoyed them all equally.


      Yeah, sometimes the sap drips out, I’ll put a cork in it. It’s a lame holiday, and like you said, it’s the something special you do, and on other days, that really make the difference. Having said that, I never say no to chocolate or flowers. I’m easy that way.


    I just can’t get enough of your sappy sentimentality, Madame Weeb. “You’re my Dead Sea!” Especially on heart day. That’s special ;-)
    What’s next, you hopeless romantic? I’m thinking Forever Lock on the Brooklyn Bridge? Because nothing says I love you more appropriately than rusted metal eating into the structural integrity of a public thoroughfare. Right? -Nikki


      I know, sometimes I get sappy. I try not to let it ooze out too often but sometimes it just happens. The Brooklyn Bridge is a romantic structure, even if it is in bad shape. Strangely, it’s still in better shape than some of the other bridges around here that were built many years later. Just that fact alone makes it more romantic–a beautiful bridge that endures.


    This is the greatest non-Valentine’s Day post ever.


    This might possibly be your best work ever.
    Well done.


    The joy of the non-valentines day valentine.
    You old softy you!


    Stories like this make me happy ^.^

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. I Think I Love You! « The Goddess Weighs In - February 14, 2013

    [...]  It’s a total surprise.  Here I was planning a threesome tonight with Ben & Jerry (http://fearnoweebles.wordpress.com/2013/02/11/a-non-valentine/) and I suddenly realized that I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t enjoy meaningless [...]


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