I’ve got to switch things up around here. My recent posts have been sentimental and/or introspective and frankly, I’m starting to annoy myself. It’s time to break away from all that thoughtful shit and bust out a new batch of search terms. For a refresher on the other mind-boggling search terms that bring people to my blog, please click here and here.
First, the newest members of my I Hate Alex Trebek club:
why is alex trebek such an insufferable prick
why does alex trebek think he’s hot shit
i fucking hate trebek
alex trebek isn’t a nice guy
I wish I didn’t like Jeopardy! as a game because I have such a hard time watching it with that smug bastard hosting. I yell at the television at least once per episode, usually more: “Fuck you, you little douche!” “Shut up! Stop talking!” “Ass!”
What is WITH these people??
weebles boobs
weebles rack
weeble porn
weeble butt plug
Based on the disturbing popularity of these sorts of terms, I’m going to create a new literature genre: Weeblerotica. There’s obviously an unmet need here. A very twisted, baffling, unmet need.
Not quite the right URL, sorry:
heynicerack.com
loveyourtits.wordpress.com
If only I had thought of either of these for the name of my blog. I could have been Madame Boobs. Both of these domains are available, by the way. I checked.
Some pressing questions that require answers:
can cats carry demons
Yes, but only if the demons are very small. Cats can’t handle a big saddle. Also, cats are pretty lazy.
what do i do i’m scared of weebles
Did they not read the title of this blog? FEAR NO WEEBLES.
can i touch up my hair and raid it the same day
I suppose so, if you have a lot of bugs in your hair and you don’t mind that bug spray smell. But you know, you may have more important concerns than your hair. Just saying.
i wore pantyhose for halloween, now i can’t stop
I find this one particularly curious. Is this person now addicted to pantyhose? How does this happen? What was their Halloween costume, anyway?
you see another brother in christ and you get nauseous
Whoa, is that any way to talk about a brother in Christ? Let he who is without nausea-inducing qualities cast the first stone, dude.
Um, what?
prepare to fuck a new woman every day … but first read through our policies below
What the hell kind of organization is this? I’m going to need to see these policies of theirs. And is there a division for those who might wish to fuck a new man every day?
Variations on Fuck You:
fuck you american style
i fuck people like you in prison
Yes, well. “American style” could mean so many things… And although I’ve never been to prison, I watched Oz, so I know what’s up. But if someone says, “I fuck people like you in prison,” does it mean that you’re a tasty piece or does it mean that you’re an obnoxious jerk who needs to become someone’s bitch? It could go either way.
So many weevils, so many idiots:
how to make sure weebles aren’t in your food
what happens when you swallow a weeble
what to do if spaghetti has weebles in it
You mean like this? I usually just pick them out and lick off the sauce. It’s really no biggie.
If I had a dime for each search term where they obviously mean weevils and not Weebles, I’d be writing this post from my yacht on the Riviera.
My personal favorite:
geddy lee madame weebles in bed
Geddy, is that you???? Don’t be shy, baby. Email me.
More search terms that would make great band names:
picturesque vagina
barricading the cheese
big pubes little dick
pantyhose ascendant
precocious tits
subway penis
dead marshmallow
Looking the two ‘boobs’ domains available, I just realised a missed opportunity – since Internet is mostly used for porn (I mean, that’s what they say, I know nothing about it, of course), imagine the traffic your website would get! It would be enough to put a subtitle: ‘Not about boobs, actually’.
Damn. I am almost a genius.
They’re still available, Pixie, go for it!
I can only lay claim to being the searcher of about 50% of those terms
I KNEW IT.
I knew that as well. Joe, Joe, Joe. (shaking head)
He’s incorrigible, isn’t he.
Yeah, but which ones
Actually that last bit of search terms…I’m turning it into a song called “Picturesque Vagina”
BRILLIANT!!
It’s 8am and I’m experiencing information overload and weirdly craving spaghetti.
Denmother
It’s NEVER too early to crave spaghetti, denmother!!
Good golly, what is going on with these people. Hilarious post but truly, why are these people searching some of these things? I am beginning to fear humanity but not weebles
Whew–as long as you don’t fear the Weebles, all is well, LLCD. And I know, don’t you just want to know what these people are thinking??? Actually, maybe I don’t want to know.
Hehehe, nothing makes the blogging worth more than this kind of search terms!
I sometimes imagine bored people searching for crazy stuff so that other people have something to laugh about, and to see what comes out anyway.
I like to think that’s what it is, NBI, but my fear is that a lot of these searches are dead serious…
Weebleserotica will make a mint! You could be the answer to Fucking Fifty Shades Sideways Weeble Style. There. Just handed you your new title. Your Welcome. I expect cake.
Not only will you get cake, Rogue, you’ll get a special dedication when the novel comes out.
Awesome.
I made the mistake of writing a post about how I thought the animated Amy Adams character in the Disney move Enchanted was a little too sexy, with her off-the-shoulder dress and slight cleavage. Since then, I’ve been bombarded with searches for SEXY DISNEY PRINCESS and all of its creepy iterations.
People are twisted. Between sexy Disney princesses and Weeble butt plugs, I weep for humanity.
I have another blogger friend who also checks the search terms for her blog and I must say, yours are infinitely more, how shall I say, more interesting? Bizarre? Just plain weird? I have not had the nerve to look at my own. I know they would be too tame to regale anyone with peals of laughter so we’ll make do with yours, dear Madame Weebles. Yours are definitely X-rated searches, though your posts are not so much. And Alex does annoy me, also. He is quite the arrogant bastard, isn’t he?
He really is an arrogant bastard, Maire. I’m still scratching my head over the thought process that drives people to enter those search terms, much less how they end up bringing people to my blog. There are some naughty moments in the comments, but I marvel at how my blog comes up so quickly for some of these things.
I checked to see if loveyourtits.wordpress.com actually existed. It does not. Opoortunity lost.
But sir, that means you can claim it for your very own! Seize the day!
But what would the blog even be about?
Well, I suppose loving some chick’s tits would be a possibility. But it could be anything, really. That’s what makes it funny. (Well, funny to ME, anyway)
I’m wondering if I should wait ’til Hallowe’en to try the pantyhose?
You may want to wait, in case you too find that you can’t stop. Then at least it will be winter where the extra layer can come in handy.
I’m clearly doing something wrong because I don’t get too too many weird search terms.
But I’m pretty sure you’re going to be getting some new ones involving “weebles licking”. In fact, I may start the trend myself!
Bless you, Elyse. I’ll dedicate the next round of sick search terms to you!
Awwwww, shucks!
Oh Lord. I did Google “weebles licking” and got video!
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1j9er_tai-the-weeble-03-23_animals#.USIt8mf_6eY
But such CUTE video! Although that’s not technically a Weeble. A giant Weeble-like thing, but not a Weeble.
Perhaps he decapitated it first. Those pandas are wild.
- “I’ll take Madame Weebles for 200 please, Alex.”
(I feel like I probably should have re-phrased that part)
- “Has Madame Weebles successfully hacked into S.I.G.’s search history again?”
- “What is… YES!”
(I just realized you might like to have that first bit as official ‘Fear No Weebles’ search terms, so I might have to see what I can do about that…)
And lo and behold, the first search term that appears in my list today is “I’ll take Madame Weebles for 200 please, Alex.” AWESOME.
Great success!
I occasionally check my search terms and while most of them are reasonably standard and expected, there was one that made me wonder what on earth when through the person’s mind when they entered the words “postulant sisters f***” into the search engine. Well, actually, it’s not that hard – they were probably looking for erotic/pr0nographic material, but why they then clicked on the link to a blog called faithhopechocolate, that’s the bit I can’t fathom!! (And how my blog even turned up on the search, given that I don’t think I’ve ever used the F-word on it as it wouldn’t be appropriate to do so, I have no idea.)
I like the idea of Weebles on Spaghetti. I wonder if I could arrange to cook it for us for supper one night?
It really makes you wonder about people, doesn’t it? I suppose your blog wasn’t *quite* what they had in mind, was it! Weebles on spaghetti is pretty good—and they look cute nestled in the spaghetti strands.
Those weebles look very cute nestled into the spaghetti. Maybe someone should make weeble-shaped meatballs (or perhaps Quorn; at least the you’d know it’s not horsemeat) in a sauce for the very purpose?
If your tits are OLD and smart are they no longer ‘precocious’ and just old and obnoxious-know-it-alls?
I like to think it makes them wise, Rutabaga, but I suppose not a lot of people are searching for wise tits. Shame, really.
That really IS a shame, now that you mention it.
Reblogged this on evannweke.
Thank you for the reblog!
“Weeblerotica”. – I have to say that it surfs off the tongue way too smoothly.
Doesn’t it though? I envision a whole new industry based on Weeblerotica. I love that phrasing, “Surfs off the tongue”—I have to remember that.
Ha…the perks of being a non-native (with an imaginative mind ^^): we don’t resort to the common proverbs…
That’s why I love it, because it’s a new twist on the old phrase.
It totally surfs, though…
It really does. Weeblerotica.
Do it again…
Big pubes little dick..been there so done that!!
Hahahaha, sing it! We’ve all seen that.
Like looking for a needle in a haystack!
Well said, my lady.
Right? We could all tell war stories about that…
I have one that starts off with the word pinky…
Ohhhh, that poor guy.
“But I am talented in other ways,” he said. lol
And let’s face it, that’s ALWAYS a good thing…..
You have to write some Weeblerotica.
I agree. I’ve finally found my true calling.
Spaghetti and Weebles. And they STILL don’t fall down!
Nope—they just sit attractively in the pasta!
pantyhose ascendant……………………………………………..
……………………………………………that wasn’t me
Oh, I didn’t suspect you for this one, sir. You strike me as more of a “barricading the cheese” kind of guy.
OK WHEW – I didn’t want to be unjustly fingered!!
I watched Oz too, and I’ll never watch weeble porn again.
Thanks, Madame Boobs.
Well shit, I don’t want to turn you off the Weeble porn, Mike. Whatever floats your boat, you know?
I wanted to choose a favoUrite from this list, but I can’t. I just can’t.
How about a favorite, then?
“Can cats carry demons? Yes, but only if the demons are very small. Cats can’t handle a big saddle. Also, cats are pretty lazy.”
I died. Seriously. I’m dead now. You’re talking to my ghost. And my ghost is still laughing.
I’m so glad you’re still with us in ghost form, Ashley. I’d miss you otherwise.
Those band names were KILLER. I may start one just so I can use Picturesque Vagina…nice. It was like a Weeblethon.
If you start Picturesque Vagina, I’ll start up Subway Penis. Then we can jam together.
hahahahahaha!!! Who will open for us? Foreplay Hounds??
Hands Down the Pants
1. Thank you for clarifying that those domains are available because I was going to check. 2. Weeble butt plug. 3. GEDDY SO WANTS YOU!!!!
1. You NEED to claim one of those domains, sister. 2. *snicker* 3. I know, right????????
Holy shit! This was a funny, funny post, Weebs! I am dying laughing, too! There are some truly sick, sick folks in the world. I loved your humor in this one!
I’m so happy you enjoyed it, Chica B! I’m glad there are some truly sick, sick folks out there because it’s great blog fodder. You can’t make this stuff up, you really can’t.
It is very WTF how people find one’s site with these odd searches. I just noticed that my #1 search engine term today is “bra-trash”. Seriously, Weebs, WTF?
Bra trash??? Wow. And it’s not like you wrote about bras being hung over tree branches or lampposts. The world of the Interweb is so hilariously odd sometimes.
Update: as the day progressed “fiat winter” overtook “bra trash” as today’s #1 search engine term on my site. While sleeping at my desk at The Grind (with eyes wide open and a hand holding a pen), I had a dream. In my dream there’s a confederacy of loons “out there” that throws every word in the language into a barrel, shakes the barrel, spills the contents, pairs the words and starts Google searching. Sometimes they find our blogs. Next, my boss asked me, “Are you snoring?” So, my dream research was cut short.
Gotta pay closer attention to your tags, Madame. All I get is “caffe bene times square” in search terms! I’m clearly doing something wrong! xoxoM
It’s the blessing and the curse of being naughty and swearing in one’s posts, Margarita.
I very seldom actually laugh out loud at posts but this one had me in stitches: “prepare to fuck a new woman every day … but first read through our policies below” WTF. It’s like their lawyer was really careful and through. LOVE IT!
I laughed out loud too, Emily—you have to wonder what’s behind that one. Because you know, you need to sign the waivers and disclaimers first!!
Weebles in spaghetti would be a perfect children’s menu item. The Macraroni Grill version of the Happy Meal.
I love the way you think, Mike. Your son is so lucky to have you.
Weeblerotica, Madame that would most certainly cause Weeblemania in Weebletopia! Yes, these are real terms.
Other terms from Weeblepedia:
Weebleography- the documentation of all things Weebleworthy
Weebleworthy- deemed by Madame Weebles to be of value
Weebleism- fuck, what the fuck, fuck you, etc.
Weebleology- magical art practiced among cat people who love spaghetti and objects with round bottoms
This is bound to give Wikipedia FITS! I love it. You’re a genius, Honie.
And see… this is just one of the reasons why I’m addicted to WordPress, and the internet. I laugh, I learn, and have no loss of things to ruminate about. Now I must learn how to check the search terms for my blogs. The question is, really, do I WANT to know?
Trebek must have gotten worse, than I remember.
Personally, I think he’s gotten worse, Victoria. But I’ve always hated him so I’m biased. To check the search terms, btw, go to your stats page and scroll down towards the bottom. They should be there. Prepare to be entertained/appalled.
Neither entertained, or appalled. Educated. Seems, old Texaco tow trucks are the vogue. Thank You, MW. And, I’m now intrigued by Trebek’s ripeness. I’ll have to check-out (the other) Dorian Gray.
Texaco trucks, eh? Interesting. I’ll be interested to get your thoughts on Trebek.
It had to due with a post, and photos, from a junk yard. Rolls Royce, Jaguars, and the Texaco.
I’m committed to watch, as soon as I initiate a hostile takeover of the TV remote…. but I’ll say this: with his kind of money, I’d have retired a loooong time ago. The same goes for Vanna.
What’s it like having so many people want to see you naked?
It makes me want to set up a Very Special Pay-per-View Blog. Why lose out on all that cash?
If I started a band, I’d definitely name it Dead Marshmallow, and our first release would be S’Mores of Pain. Funny post, Madame W!
HA! S’Mores of Pain! Maybe “Chillin’ With My Peeps” could be the flipside. Even though there really is no such thing as a flipside anymore.
Ha, ha, ha…I love the band names. I think Precocious Tits and Dead Marshmallow are my favorite. Luv ya Weebly!
xo
Hi Mistress! I think my favorite is Subway Penis. For so many reasons.
Great post! Your search terms are so much better than mine, which seem to involve Mongolians and porn, mainly.
Good day, sir! Mongolians and porn, huh? I get the porn part but why so much interest in Mongolians? And I wonder if Mongolians do porn themselves? There are so many things I want to know.
I hear they do, and it involves small ponies and yurts.
And maybe the occasional yak?
I’ve written about Japanese food…. and cats… which is why Japanese Pussy Licks leads to my blog… apparently. Someone was VERY disappointed lol.
Oh my.
This entire post was hysterical but the big pubes/little dick one put me over the edge. I wonder if that one’s already been taken by a wordpress blogger…hmm….
by the way….I just changed my blog name to Fear No Boobs. Think it’ll help crank up my blog stats?
Now THAT made me LOL. Be prepared for your view count to go WAY up now, Darla.
If it hasn’t, I say go for it. It’s a subject that needs to be further addressed, no?
These search-term posts of yours always crack me up. It’s mind boggling to think some people actually type in these words. I mean, I’ve searched some weird things for research for my fiction, but never like this. What goes through the mind when searching for: “i wore pantyhose for halloween, now i can’t stop” or “weeble butt plug” just to mention a couple of my favorites?
Love the weebles in the spaghetti picture, by the way!
I truly do wonder what sorts of lives these people lead. Probably more exciting than mine, I’m guessing. As for the spaghetti, I had fun doing that little photo shoot. Those Weebles are so easy to work with, they’re not divas at all.
Good to know. And I suspect they are easy to clean as well. No crevices to hide that spaghetti sauce…
That spaghetti looks delicious. Also, I think you could probably have a lucrative side business if you started up heynicerack.com and put Weeblerotica on there. I mean, you already have the raw materials, it’s just finding the time.
I like “pantyhose ascendant”.. it’s very aspirational.
It IS aspirational, isn’t it? But I wonder, can one be ascendant only when wearing pantyhose? Or are they pantyhose themselves ascendant? So many questions. I’ll have to get my freak on and start thinking of some good Weeblerotica to share with the world. It’s a niche market, probably, but I bet it’s a loyal one.
These search term posts are a blast and healthy. All that laughing is good for us, right? I’m not sure I can pick a favorite from this great selection. My current favorite from my blog is “when i’m older i want to be a forensics poem.”
I think The X-Files was on the right track when they showed Trebek as a Man in Black. There’s something deeply not right about him….
“When I’m older I want to be a forensics poem”?? Who are these people? And yes, there is something deeply sinister and wrong about Trebek. I wish Canada would take him back already.
Madame Weebles, you have much better search terms than those I receive. Maybe I’m doing something wrong…
I recommend putting some naughty words in your posts, and maybe the names of a few children’s toys. I guarantee you’ll get some strange ones then.
I want cool search terms like this!!!
I would have imagined that you’d have some good ones, brother. Surely you have a few really choice ones in there??
Just ones that suck “fuck you.” Nothing really interesting.
The search terms are hilarious, but when you stop for a moment to think that someone’s really seriously asking those questions it makes me want to run and hide. Good lord!
I know, Rosie. It means that there are a lot of deeply disturbed people out there!
That spaghetti looks even better with the Weebles in it. Why are people so fussy all the time? Lick them off and keep going indeed.
Good advice you give: Cat’s can’t handle a big saddle. Maybe they need to be wearing pantyhose. Or go to prison.
I want these Weeble-esque search terms.
Start with the naughty words, T. You’ll get some good ones. Weebles hold sauce pretty well, I recommend dunking them. I never tried putting a saddle on any of the Weeblettes because they’d probably claw me to death, but I do think small saddles are the way to go with them.
OMG! I just looked at my search engine terms (usually boring) and there is one that says, “anyone else sick of Robin.” I don’t know what to make of that!
I’m sure they mean Batman’s sidekick!
Oh phew!
They either mean Batman’s sidekick, like JM said, or Robin Williams. Because it’s pretty easy to get sick of him. They could never mean Robin Coyle. No. Because I would bitch slap them into next year if they did.
Subway penis…that one is my favorite, Weebs! Don’t worry, I do not fear you. Wow, you have a quite a collection of search terms, both hysterical and bizarre.
That’s my favorite too, Bumble. And I’m so glad you don’t fear me. I mean, it’s not like I bite…hard.
Oh, ouch Madame!!
Free the cheese!
We need to start a campaign, Lyssa. Why would anyone want to barricade cheese? It’s delicious!
I’d like to barricade it in my mouth.
I think I’m really disappointed that someone beat me to registering loveyourtits.wordpress.com.
It’s still available, Jen! I checked! I think you need to take this one.
Mostly I’m just curious how some of these led to your site,
I thought weeble buttplugs was Le Clowns thing…
I have no idea, Guap. I mean, I know I do a lot of swearing, and there’s the occasional naughtiness, but still. I assume a lot of search engines pick up on the comments as well, so that’s probably how a lot of them find me. Good times! And evidently, Weeble butt plugs are for *everyone.*
“i wore pantyhose for halloween, now i can’t stop” – fabulous, and even more so (in a round about way) that it found your blog
Isn’t it? That one fascinates me. How does such a thing happen? I can tell you that I have never had a problem with STOPPING wearing pantyhose.
I want to know what a “subway penis” is.
So do I, benzeknees. It seems that at least a few other people do as well, based on the number of times that search has come up on my blog stats. I’m just sorry I can’t provide them with an answer.
Maybe you could make it the subject of a poll? Best answer wins – ?!
Hmmmm….I like this idea.
The search terms are a constant source of entertainment aren’t they! My most popular post has for sometime been one I wrote about fudge, and the search terms that lead to that one are sometimes bizarre, like “Is it true that Vanessa can really set my runny fudge?” WTF?!
Ha! Don’t you wish you could answer these people? “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *can* set your runny fudge!”
These are insane and the best! I love how you categorized them!
Hi Jillian! I thought it would be a daunting task to sort them, but somehow they just fell into categories by themselves….strange, bizarre categories.
Bizarre is an understatement – is there a really odd parallel universe that leaks over once in a while?
Hilarious post
Thanks Phil—interesting speculation on the parallel universe…maybe there’s some sort of rupture in the space-time continuum that makes these things happen…
the band name search terms are BALLS. just sayin’.
xo, sm
Rocking set of search terms, Madame
I’ve really got to start blogging more adventurously. I just don’t seem to get the weird ass searches. Or more accurately weird weeble searches. I’m beginning to feel left out. Perhaps I need to read “through a few policies” to attract this level of searches. I’ll put my mind to it and see what I can come up with.
Cheers!
“Barricading the cheese”! Bahaha! I haven’t had any good ones lately. Not like the old days when I used to get things like “beaver duck fuck” and “mature diane farting”. (Just for the record, I deny the “mature” part.) Clearly I’m losing my touch.
Your search terms are so much better than mine that mine are now hiding in shame – even ‘sex with animals.’
This post of yours gives me inspiration for a new, perverted form of my romance novel Fallen Arches:
Alex Trebeck sat tidily erect at the dining room table eating his spaghetti with weebles and reading the latest edition of Weeblerotica magazine when his wife staggered into the room. Her hair in curlers and the butt of a cigarette dangling from her lips, she took one look at Trebeck and spat out the words: “I fuck people like you in prison.”
Alex, unfazed, put down the paper and said smugly: “You need to phrase that as a question, dear.”
She snorted: “Here’s a question for you Alex, when are you going to stop wearing pantyhose, you butt-plug?”
Alex, unsmiling, commented: “I wore pantyhose for Halloween, now I can’t stop.”
C-a-L, you’re brilliant! *swoons*
So much genius in this. My favorite, though, is “I fucked people like you in prison.” I have GOT to say that to someone at some point in my life.
Great post Weebs! You had me at Alex (aka: shitstain) Trebek.
Things I hate about Alex Trebek: everything!
Condescending bitch:
“Oh, you only bet a thousand. You could have won, but you didn’t have the balls”
Inquiring douche after the first commercial:
“Please tell me some really stupid thing about yourself so I can bore the shit out of the audience, and extra points if can make a pun out of it…”
Judgy McAnalmeister:
“No, sooorry, you didn’t have the right inflection on the vowel o”
Just once I’d like to see someone take a swing at him; preferable during teenage genius week.
Funny funny post Weebs!
Red
“pantyhose ascendant” is also a grand title for an autobiography. might have to license that one from you. i still get an ungodly amount of searching for “girl scout fucking” or “girl scout porn”. i want to reach into the internet and choke these dickbags…
“I’ll take insufferable prick game show hosts for $1000, Alex”
“Answer: This funny-looking trivia show host knows everything and has a funny-looking upper lip and you’re stupid too, by the way.”
“Who is Alex Trebek?”
“Correct. Pick again.”
Way to mix things up!
I’m assuming the first book ever written that can be classed as Weeblerotica will ‘Fifty Shades of Weeble’? Although a better question would be- why are people looking at weebles and having sexual fantasies about them? WHY?
Ahh…feck…what else can I say? I think I just LOLed and ROLFed all over myself – WTF?
This never ceases to be fun! Weebs, you just made my night!
My bad for weeble butt plug, safe to say I didn’t find what I was looking for.