I considered making the title of this post “Ohhhhhh SNAP!” or “Awwwww DIP!!!” but this title felt a little more mature.
Some of you may recall this post, in which I talked about coming up with a great, pithy line but the troglodytes at my workplace didn’t get it. It was less than satisfying.
Today’s discourse is on snotty comebacks. Usually I think of them about 20 minutes after the fact and I kick myself for not coming up with them sooner. Every once in a while, though, the gods smile upon me and I think of the right thing to say at just the right time.
For example, when I was in high school (yeah, I was snotty back then too), some friends and I were talking to this guy who was sort of obnoxious. One of my friends wasn’t in the mood for his antics and she told him he was a jackass. He turned to me and said, “What’s her problem? You guys have never called me anything like that before.” And I replied, “Not to your face, anyway.” BURN!
Then there was the time I was having dinner in a nice restaurant with a friend. A couple with a screaming child (he was maybe 2 years old) was two tables away. The parents paid no attention and made no effort to comfort their little boy, and the wails became higher and more ear-splitting as the evening went on. To be fair, it wasn’t the kid’s fault—he never should have been subjected to a 2+ hour meal at a place like that. And it wasn’t his fault that his parents were inattentive fucks. When the family finally left, they passed our table. My friend loudly proclaimed, “Thank God they’re finally leaving.” The mother, presumably thinking she would patronize us and shame us into submission, stopped and snipped, “Oh, I know, you’re really suffering. Kids are such a pain, right??” I smiled. “Not all kids. Just yours.” BURN!
Then there was the time I was at my local pet food shop. It was a small space with little room to maneuver. On this particular day, I was joined in the store by a shrieking harpy and her doormat boyfriend/husband. She bitched nonstop about anything and everything, and stood around blocking the entire fucking store. No matter where I was, she was in my way. And she took umbrage at my efforts to get past her. Mind you, I did say “Excuse me.” If she hadn’t been so busy yattering away, perhaps she might have heard me. Instead, she muttered “Bitch” just loud enough for me to hear. I looked at her, rolled my eyes and calmly said, “You’re so boring.” An unconventional response, but one that I suspected would drive her apeshit. And it did. BURN!!
Now I’d like to close with one of my all-time favorites, which wasn’t a burn but a great line nonetheless:
When I was in college, a bunch of us got into a stuffed animal fight, hurling teddy bears and other plush toys at each other (yeah, I know, but give me a break, we were freshmen). One of my friends sustained a direct hit with a bunny. She cried, “I’ve been killed by a Gund!!”
And I said, “Gunds don’t kill people. People kill people.”
I’m still patting myself on the back for that one.