Welcome, dear ones, to the latest installment of Sit Down & Shut Up, in which the Magnificent™ Le Clown and I help you with life’s pressing challenges. Our inaugural column was a huge success and we look forward to assisting you once again.
Today, we turn to the subjects of love and sex—two of the greatest and most powerful forces on earth. Gandhi said, “Where there is love there is life.” Nietzsche: “Whatever is done for love always occurs beyond good and evil.” And from the great philosopher Steve Martin: “I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.”
If you are plagued by problems regarding love and/or sex (and who isn’t?), we invite you to ask your question below. As always, we are here to serve.
If someone hasn’t had sex since 2011, does that make her a born again virgin? Or is it just depressing? Asking for a friend of course. I get laid all the time. Clearly.
La La,
This is a hard question to answer. It’s all about perspectives.
Take a newborn baby, born in February of 2011… It would only be normal that the said baby would not have sex, as clearly, it is too young.
Take Paul Ryan. It would also be normal that the man wouldn’t have sex, may it be since 2011, or since his freshman years. Paul Ryan is evil, I even suspect his three kids were not the product of sex, but immaculate conception, from Beelzebub himself. The end is near.
Take Oscar Pistorius. I’m also guessing that 2013 will be the last year he will have sex. With a woman. And that won’t make him a reborn virgin. Another educated guess is that he will shoot virginity with his pistol one night, and will blame it on thinking that it was an intruder breaking into in his prison cell. But this time around, he’ll be right.
What’s the question again?
Le Clown
You know what? I have no idea. So yes. Good call. I’ll inform my friend.
On rare occasions, virginity *has* been known to grow back. However, I’m told that it sometimes grows back in places other than its original location, so please tell your friend to beware. Also, tell your friend that there’s nothing wrong with not having had sex since 2011. But she might want to lower her standards. Everyone wants to have sex with someone kind, interesting, funny, intelligent, and attractive. Sometimes, though, we have to settle for just someone who’s breathing. Tell Miss Thing to stop being so high and mighty.
After doing it doggy style last weekend I looked down and saw the horrible sight of a used condom hanging from the end of my cock.
She turned over and laughed at the look of disgust on my face. I thought this was particularly rude considering I wasn’t wearing one when I started.
What is the proper etiquette for dealing with such an awkward situation?
J.D.,
The obvious answer would be to implore you to get clean… And by clean, I don’t mean a prescription against the claps, which you are certainly about to start feeling. Seeing the mythical condom everywhere (educated guess, am I right? Did you see a condom in your coffee this morning? I know) means you should cut down on the green beer. Also, because I am that magnificent™, I should remind you to test your glucose during sex. Spiking down might also be another reason why you are hallucinating condoms everywhere. And for the record, this is not a condom answering you.
Le Clown
Green beer?
The cheek of ya. The only thing that was green was the glow in the dark condom hanging off my knob. Thought I was fucking a nuclear reactor or maybe it was just green from gangrene having been up there so long.
And i don’t drink coffee since Starbucks banned me from their stupid store.
Oh, my dear sir, I am so sorry you were subjected to such rudeness. That’s terrible. Obviously she hasn’t been tending to her garden very well if you snagged a used condom from there. Be grateful that a used condom is the only thing you found hanging from your bits. Who knows what other items she has sitting around in there. Give her number to an archaeologist, who will surely know how to excavate an area where many men have lived before.
Arseologist more like.
Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
I got nothin’ – FUNICULAR!
Denise,
We are very sorry that you do not have a sex life. May I suggest getting one? This could be my best advice of the day yet.
Le Clown
I didn’t say I don’t have a sex life- I’m saying I got no questions about it
But I do have a scary memory of seeing my parents doing the deed when I was 7 – which is forever burned in my FUNICULAR.
Denise,
You are among friends here, unless some bloggers I don’t like start showing up. But until then, this is a safe haven, among people who care. There’s no shame. You’ve taken the first step in the right direction.
Le Clown
Um….no – really.. you can ask my cat – she’s a voyeur…
Denise,
I don’t want to ask your… cat (clever you, never vulgar). No. I have class.
Le Clown
*blushes*
Dearest Rutabaga,
Then you’re doing it wrong.
You’re welcome,
Madame Weebles
Le Teachers,
Can a toilet seat get pregnant from another toilet seat?
Speaker7
Speaker7,
A tough question to answer. By toilet seat, do you mean Kristen Stewart?
Le Clown
Why is everyone so quick to rip on poor Kristen? Leave the girl alone!!!
Kristen,
No. And you are far from being poor, girl.
Le Clown
We’ll leave her alone when she shows signs of intelligent life. And talent. And personality. And sentience.
You could say the same thing about half of America!
You are sadly correct.
The medical literature suggests that it’s possible. It doesn’t happen often but there was a case in France, in 1947, where a toilet seat became pregnant from another toilet seat, and gave birth to a little bidet. But it’s more often the case that toilet seats just catch STDs from each other.
Dearest Weebles and Le clown
Please could you find out how to move your comment boxes up higher on your pages? After 375 replies it is hard to find…. And then to read at the very end, that comments have been closed……
Heartbreaking!
Barbara,
Good question. The answer is no.
Thank you,
Le Clown
Dear Le Clown & Weebles,
That was a dreadful question if the answer could be either yes or no!
So if the first part of your answer is wrong, I think the second part must be wrong too?
Yours, resigned to an even shorter reply…..
My dear Barbara,
It is indeed irksome to have to scroll through a zillion responses to find the comment box. However, rest assured that like a cheap hooker, we never close.
lol, L’Eric does……
Le Clown on March 1, 2013 at 07:54 said:
Denise,
Le Clown and Weebles have closed this thread.
I’m sorry, you will have to find your own answers.
If you want to talk sex, or love, join us here:
http://fearnoweebles.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/sit-down-shut-up-volume-ii
Le Clown
That’s only because I’m cheaper than he is.
Cheaper maybe, but far more valuable, and obviously as a woman, utterly undervalued
You are so wise, Barbara.
How do I get my wife to stop thinking about vampires whenever… well, all the time actually!
The Hook,
The root of the problem is deeper. Let me bring you to the real issue:
Vampire -> Edward Cullen -> 107 years old -> Your wife is into gerontophilia.
Le Clown
Great! Unfortunately, I can’t afford to put her in therapy…
Oh well, thanks for helping clear that up, Le Clown.
Have you considered bathing in garlic oil? Surrounding your bed with wooden stakes? Doing it only outside in the daylight?
Mind you this won’t solve your problem, I’m just asking out of curiosity.
I haven’t tried any of the above, but thanks for the suggestions!
Ass to mouth: Yes or no?
The Cutter,
Only if it involves Kristen Stewart.
Le Clown
I find this to be acceptable.
Why not? The wives and mistresses of our Republican politicians kiss assholes all the time.
I have no questions, but I’m interested in what others may be asking? Oh, I do have a question? Does this make me a pervert?
Mary,
Ex-Pope Benedict the Sith talked about homophobia, and propagandist ideas about contraception and abortion, and that didn’t make of him a pervert. An asshole, perhaps. But that wasn’t your question, I think…
Le Clown
Mary, Mary, Mary. Yes, it does.
Dear Weebles and Le Clown
I have a better question
Why are Giraffes?
Barbara
Barbara,
According to Urban Dictionary: “a female that can take a dick extremely far down the throat”. You asked.
Le Clown
Lol….
I had noticed the header
Ohhhhhhhh, SNAP!!
Dear Barbara,
Because Elephants.
Love,
Madame Weebles
Much nicer
Thank you !
Why do some people like to dress up in furry animal costumes to have sex? What’s up with that?
Deadly Nightshade,
Speaker7 answered your question here.
Le Clown
If Hugo says it all started with Alf, I believe him! Thanks!
Don’t judge me! So what if I like to get busy in my Snuffleupagus costume?
Aw, why would you want to hide your magnificent Weebleness under a load of Muppet fur?
By the way, any idea where I can find a good Fozzy Bear costume? Wakka Wakka!
I’ll ask Mr. Weebles if you can borrow his.
I don’t hide it for too long, the Snuffy costume is great for a strip tease.
I don’t know about ‘like’ but I once had sex with Sylvester the Cat. Actually it was really good. Although I fear the child that was trying to force the door open against a giant pair of paws may be scarred for life.
Sorry that was me, not anonymous.
The important thing is that you had a good time. The child may be scarred for life but that’s what keeps therapists in business. You’re doing a good thing by helping the economy as a whole, really.
Ah, a fan of Steve Martin’s stand-up (and the quote you cited is off “The Steve Martin Brothers,” a pretty obscure album)! Well, done, Weebles. Well done.
Here’s my question: What music would you recommend for a romantic evening?
Mike,
Because I am Canadian, and because it is Justin Bieber’s birthday, and because I am on Madame Weebles’ blog, I would suggest Rush… Slap that bass, and pound that drum, baby.
Le Clown
I’m at work, so I’m not going to look up “bass slapping,” but it sounds pervy.
Le Clown, this may be the best answer you’ve ever given for anything, on any post, ever. Rush and Bass slapping. Hell yeah………………………………………
I’ll be back in an hour. Maybe two.
I should have known you would be an aficionado as well. His stand-up was fantastic, kids today have no idea how funny he used to be.
It might just be me, but I find Gregorian chants to be extremely erotic for sexy time.
Thank you kindly for the Gregorian chants recommendation. And, Just so you know, Mr. Martin will be pluckin’ away on the banjo this March in Red Bank. Be there or be square. (You and Mr. Weebs can listen to chanting on the way home. A perfect end to a perfect evening, if you ask me.)
I gave up sex a long time ago due to a string of bad lovers/girlfriends. I’d like to get back in the game. Should I start with real women that I might care for, or with a couple prostitutes first?
JC,
May I answer you with a question? When you have sex with yourself, do you consider yourself to be a good lover?
Le Clown
Alone, I am a bit impatient, but with a partner, I am carefully engaged!
JC,
Good answer… You completely killed my Real Men Don’t Buy Girls smarty comeback.
1-0 for you.
Le Clown
I’m glad I won that round. It’s only 6:12 am here, and it’s a little early for such deep talk! Didn’t think I could pull it off.
I understand why you took yourself out of the game for a while, bad relationships can certainly do that. But why spend good money on pros? Just go and find a few easy chicks and get cranking. After a few slump busters, you’ll be well on your way.
Can I call them “slump busters”, or is that poor taste?
You can if you want. But not all slump busters taste bad.
Why does the song, Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry bring out my inner stripper?
Renée,
I ask myself the same question when I hear the The Star Spangled Banner: it makes me want to rip my clothes off, and play with my gun.
Le Clown
OMG I just spit out my water. Hahahahaahaha!
This is the second best answer you’ve ever given, Le Clown. Your best answer is still above.
Interesting. That song brings out my inner pole dancer, but not my inner stripper.
Honey, I have to use a pole too. If I didn’t, my clumsy ass would fall down for sure.
Dearest MW and Le Clown,
How can I get someone to like me?
Should I take them stalk them?
Steal lint from their dryer?
Make hair sandwhiches?
Thanks,
THAM
Or perhaps spelling correctly and using proper grammar would be a good start.
THAM,
You could walk with an effigy of Kristen Stewart. It’s like walking beside a dry wall, or a pair of Gap khaki pant: you’ll be the one sparkling… Get it?
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Who is this Kristen Stewart character?
I am picking up what you are putting down though.
THAM
THAM,
She’s a new shade of beige.
Le Clown
I see. Poor gal.
Dearest THAM,
That’s how I’ve always done it, yes. It’s also a nice gesture to make some sort of craft from their lint and present it to them as a gift. Good luck, and remember, hair sandwiches are best on whole wheat.
Love,
Madame Weebles
Thank you Madame Weebles,
Le Clown’s advice wasn’t what I was looking for…..and what is his facination with that Kristen Stewart beigey person?
MMMM whole wheat hair sandwiches….
Lint crafts….
Got it!
THANKS!!!!!
Don’t like ‘em, don’t trust ‘em, don’t do ‘em. That’s my philosophy. Of course that developed over time after my youthful philosophy of, “Do ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out.” Perhaps that was shoot ‘em? Eh, either way. What used to work “don’t work no more.”
As I suggested to Le Clown, “let’s leave sex off the table, eh?”
And see, again, I have to ask, what’s wrong with sex on the table?? I can see it being a problem if it’s a buffet and there are a lot of chafing dishes. Because they really do chafe, that’s no joke. But aside from that, it can be quite a nice change of scenery etc.
According to Zoe Hart, according to CW previews anyway, under the table is better. I imagine there’s more room to roll around and a reduced likelihood of injury from falling or having the table collapse.
That makes good sense. I wish I had thought of that, it would have saved me from having to do a LOT of explaining. I really thought that table was sturdier.
HiR,
What about under the table, with the cat, as my English courses taught me?
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Flea bites could be a problem. Fur and scratches as week, however you might already be accustomed to those things, so, carry on. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Blessings,
Kina
Dear MW and LC,
I grew up a good Catholic girl and married young. Now I’ve been married forever and a day and I’m aging rapidly. Can one of you build me a time machine so I can go back to my young self and tell her to be a dirty, dirty whore?
Thanks,
Anonymous
My dear friend, time travel is an excellent solution to these types of problems. Once my machine is completed, I’ll let you borrow it but only if I can join you. Our first stop will be the port so we can welcome the fleet when it comes in.
Fish,
I’m afraid that building you a time machine will only make matters worse… You could decide to go to the future, where you would meet an older Fish who would be married forever and two days, who would also be reading this, and lose herself in sorrow as the current you never went back to the past to become a dirty, dirty whore…
Le Clown
Don’t get all “Looper” on me. I like Weebs’ advice better.
Fish,
Pfft™.
Le Clown
PS: Looper was a great deal of fun.
Can I get a girl pregnant by thinking about having sex with her?
Yes, if you aren’t wearing a condom on your head.
Shit.
Mike,
There are so many tangents I can take here… And I’m thinking to myself: “Le Clown, you haven’t slept last night… Careful what you might write, and where you go with this one”…. And then I got myself pregnant.
Le Clown
Clown, AGAIN??? How many pregnancies is this for you now?
Weebles,
I’m Catholic, therefore, not enough yet.
Le Clown
When is your special day, Mel Gibson?
Mike,
Is Mel Gibson the only Catholic you know?
There was Pope Benedict the Sith.
There was John F Kenndy (not Romney, is from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—a moron).
I’m not certain when it comes to Honey Boo Boo. Chances are, if she was, she’d be a mother, five times over.
Le Clown
MME Weebles & Le Clown,
When this feature first debuted I remitted a very personal and touching letter asking if there would be any thigh touching, sympathetic or not. The answer was in the affirmative and to date, not one person has touched my thigh, sympathetically or otherwise. I find this GROSSLY disturbing and question the authenticity of this column.
How do you respond?
Still your loving reader,
Eric
Waitaminute waitaminute waitaminute…. I distinctly remember touching what I thought was your thigh. Multiple times. Which means that either it wasn’t your THIGH I was touching, or it was someone else. Oopsy. My apologies to you and to whomever I may have inadvertently fondled.
Eric,
That is also my name. If I answer you, does it mean I am having sex with myself?
Le Clown
RE: MME Weebles & Le Clown,
I must be in the wrong room! Damn these eyeglasses!!!
Yours,
Eric
But you still look rugged and intellectual in them.
And that is why I would touch your thigh and say to you: “You are the best, Madame Weebles”
and cross my fingers that I wouldn’t get sued.
I’ve already signed a waiver saying I won’t sue you.
Bless you!
Release Clause: Being unaware of this prior installment a year ago & subsequent ba-jillion Q’s & A’s, my question(s) may have been already covered. If so, apologies beforehand!
Dearest Madame and Le Clown…
“Can and should Love be separated from Sex…and is one truly/factually/biologically ‘greater’ than the other?” Is that open-ended enough?
My dear Professor, these are questions for the ages and can’t be asked/answered too many times, fear not. To answer you, I quote the Beatles: “Can’t buy me love, but can buy me a ton of poon.”
Professor Taboo,
These are questions for the ages and can’t be asked/answered too many times, fear not. To answer you, I quote Broken Social Scene:
“You fuck what you love
and you love what you fuck”.
Le Clown
Copycat. But I like the Beatles quote better. Because you know that Paul McCartney writes some skanky lyrics.
HAH! Like both your answers! And as Sammy Fain sang “Love is a many-splendored thing” and Lords of Acid appropriately sing “She turns into a tiger when she’s ready to eat – My pussy’s always hungry for a big chunk of meat – So lay your little pussy right next to mine – You can bring her over around dinner time”! So….if you want to master the art, master both, eh? (snap & slap!)
Madame, I love that you used Nietzsche and Martin in the same paragraph.
Dawn,
Ben Kingsley feels left out. Way to go.
Le Clown
And Gandhi. Don’t forget the Mahatma. He was peaceful but freaky in the sack.
Well, mine appears to have gone to the dogs
LLCD,
Is this my cue to make a wiener joke?
Le Clown
Would think. Amazed you have to ask.
I am so tempted to say something about how all kitty cats need love.
Okay, I know I always bring it back to the hideous Trumpster, but how in the world can his wife stomach having sex with him?
Carrie,
Rumours are she’s into haggis.
Le Clown
Hahaha! I had to look up that word (great word, by the way), and now it makes perfect sense. Another mystery solved by Le Clown.
I’m amazed (and disturbed) you aren’t familiar with haggis!
Medically speaking, I suspect she keeps a ready supply of 5HT3 receptor antagonists handy for when The Donald is feeling frisky (for the non-medically inclined, 5HT3s are anti-emetics). Aside from that, I have no fucking idea. There’s no way money can be THAT much of a turnon.
Why are there so many negative connotations associated with sects?
Le Calahan,
Is that a window into your sexual mind?
Le Clown
Because everyone knows that cult leaders are lousy in bed.
Is there a love more pure and true than a love of a small boy for his avocado?
(Asking for a friend.)
El Guapo,
A love of a small girl for her avocado. You’re welcome, daughter.
Le Clown
And by avocado, you mean penis, right?
Okay, what do you think of this pick-up line:
First I lick my finger and rub it on my crush’s knee. Then I say, “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.”
What’dya think? Or should I go back to the drawing board?
Adrienne,
If I didn’t know better, I’d say that’s the day you turned gay. But I know you don’t turn gay, unless you’re Edward Cullen, but that’s a whole different sort of gay, and one that is not so pc, and one I’d rather avoid if I don’t want this thread to go all Oprah on my Canadian clown ass.
Le Clown
I like this one, Adrienne. But why stop at licking your finger and rubbing it on her knee? Eliminate the intermediate step and just lick her shirt. Or her knee. Whichever is easiest.
Dear you two,
Ever since Le Clown’s hugely popular penis post (the post was hugely popular, not his penis, although I can’t back that up), I’ve imagined all my male work colleagues with erections, and I can’t stop laughing. Am I gay now or just unemployable?
Ross,
You’re not gay. You’re a man’s man. Do you wear pink too? Only real men wear pink. I’ll have a quiche on you tonight, and by on you, I mean, on my table, in a plate, in your honour, while wearing my pink pjs.
Le Clown
Just picturing that has made me feel all tingly.
Dear Ross,
I had this same problem, laughing uproariously when I pictured my male colleagues with erections. But don’t make the mistake I did—I was pointing at their crotches as I was laughing. THAT’S what makes you unemployable.
Don’t ask, don’t tell,
Madame Weebles
If I had a dollar for every time a girlfriend told me “Don’t ask, don’t tell”…
You too?? I thought it was just me.
Dearest Madame and Le Clown,
I think I may be turning a vampire (I like cloudy days more than spending time in the sun, I’m getting increasingly less sleep every night and think I’ll soon be able to go without it completely, I’m seeing movement from the corners of my eyes that I’m sure means my senses are getting keener, etc…). While I’m not yet “sparkling,” is there some other way to tell if I am in fact turning into one?
Thank you in advance for any guidance you can provide,
Matticus, the matticus kingdom court jester
DJ,
Based on my studies on the Cullen clan (Edward being 107, Bella being 17), you should be able to know you are turning as soon as you start being interested in girls and/or boys at least 30 years younger than you. If your pedophilic sense is tingling, you are on the right path.
Le Clown
But if that’s true, that means that half the old geezers out there are vampires.
Weebles,
Now you know.
Le Clown
Dearest Le Clown,
Oh dear… 30 years younger than me? That would make them 1 year old and a bit creepy. Plus I don’t think my wife would approve. I guess I should do whatever I can to keep myself from turning fully. Do you happen to know if the Frog Brothers are still in business?
Matticus
I understand your concern, DJ. Are you finding that you wear more black? Do you get excited when you see people drinking Bloody Marys and then disappointed when you realize it’s only tomato juice? How are your teeth? Are they pointier than usual? Do you find yourself watching “The Lost Boys” a lot? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I suggest you change your name officially to “Matticus Dracul.” It’s a much better vampire name.
Dearest Madame,
Yes, I have found myself wearing more black, and getting excited at the sight of a Bloody Mary – but whenever I order one I never seem to be satisfied. And ordering more doesn’t help the situation either. My teeth are actually a lot less pointy than they used to be (something about constantly grinding them over years) but I was thinking that could just be a trick the vampire side of me was using to blend in with the populace…
Thank you for the name change suggestion, I love it,
Matticus Dracul
Dear Weebs and Clown Man,
What is the proper definition of sexting? Does it include all forms of textual intercourse? Does that term include e-mail and Skype chat that turns sexy, or only actual cell phone text messages? Do pictures have to be involved? I want to be doing this right. What can I say, I am a perfectionist.
Becca
Becca,
You talk is if you were from the future, using words like “sexting”, and “living on Mars”, and “interracial sex”… Too much absinthe?
Le Clown
Technically, sexting only counts if you’re using the text message feature on your phone. Email and Skype don’t count as sexting. But if you want to run for any sort of political office, I suggest you stick with the phone, email and Skype, because sexting seems to be what kills most people’s chances. As for proper sextiquette, photos are always welcome but not required. The idea is to keep your messages as provocative but as brief as possible, so that the sextee can reply using just one hand.
I had such a good question prepared for this…and then you asked about sex. Why the fuck did you do that?
You mean your original good question wasn’t sex related? Why the fuck not?
It was: “They say even a blind chicken finds a grain sometimes. Dear Weebles, how can I be that chicken?”
…I guess this could be related to anything.
You’re right, that IS a great question. this can apply to anything. The first thing that come to mind isn’t ideal—if you blind yourself, then you’ll find whatever grain you’re looking for sometime. However, that seems a bit drastic to me. How about a blindfold instead?
Ah, finally, a safe place on the Internet to ask questions about sex . . . a forum monitored by a guy who wears a clown nose and a hatchet wielding nesting doll. Who could ask for more.
Robin,
Well… You could be dealing with E. L. James…
Le Clown
“A hatchet wielding nesting doll”????????? BLASPHEMY!!
You do realize that Weebles are not nesting dolls, yes? Also, that’s a broom, not a hatchet! But now that you mention it, I really would like a hatchet.
If bondage was my thing . . .
Robin,
Or crap…
Le Clown
Broom, my arse. I know what a broom looks like (I’ve used one once) and that ain’t it.
P.S. Are you having trouble getting notices when someone replies to your comment on their blog? Something is fishy at WordPress today.
Something strange is afoot on WordPress, definitely. It’s irksome. Now, back to the broom thing. I never actually used a broom myself (I breed dust bunnies) but I hear tell that they look like the above image. And I saw Wizard of Oz. You can’t fool me.
Weebs/Le Clown,
Gregorian chants anyone? Never tried that one. And, Weebs, of course you are not a nesting doll. The nerve! I recognize that to be a broom. Don’t worry! I could just read this all day…but I guess you want a question. Are you still taking questions or have you gone to bed…
This is for a friend…a good friend, she tells me everything. Her husband wants her to wax every month, but it hurts like hell she says. What should she do? Should she continue?
Bumble, tell your friend that waxing is really no big deal. I use Mop & Glo, and it makes everything all shiny and glossy. Everything is a little slippery after application but it goes away after a while. It’s totally pain free.
Oh, but if she’s going to wax her legs, arms, upper lip, brows, and/or lady bits, yeah, it hurts like a motherfucker.
Dear Both,
If I visualise Ryan Gosling long enough, will he actually appear? Are there confirmed records of this ever working? And if so, will that be his clone that I will be able to mold to fit my needs exactly, or will it be the same person that is acting in the movies, hence making me a kidnapper?
PG,
Le Clown
Nice one, Clown.
I keep visualizing Geddy Lee and Michael Fassbender and neither of them has appeared yet. If I finally succeed, you will be the first to know. Well, after Geddy and/or Michael, anyway. My theory is that it would be the actual person–but it wouldn’t make us kidnappers, as much as it makes us saviors. Because really, they’re better off with us.
Oh good. It isn’t just me. I saw your response because the WordPress app on my phone dinged and there was a little preview thing-y, but can’t see it (or others) anywhere else. And why can’t I respond under your comment? I know you can’t answer that, but don’t you have a pipeline straight to Lord WordPress?
I’m going to dig one RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
The only thing I am plagued by is HOW MUCH people want to have sex with me.
Jen,
You’re a Chatroulette superstar.
Le Clown
You need one of those machines like they have at delis where people can take a number and wait their turn.
Dear Mme Weebs et Le Clown,
According to Woody Allen, rationalization is more important than sex. As he said “Have you ever gone an entire day without a rationalization?”. Later, after acknowledging a relationship with his 18 year old step daughter, he said “The heart wants what it wants.”
My question? Does this make Woody Allen a d-bag?
Thanks in advance,
daisyfae
Daisyfae,
As much as I love Woody Allen the artist, the man deserves a large vibrating egg inserted in his butthole, with no lube.
Le Clown
In a word, yes. Also, I think he was a little disingenuous with that statement, as I sincerely doubt that his *heart* was the organ that wanted what it wanted.
My James Franco sex doll has lost interest in me. How do I rekindle that spark we used to have?
Lyssa,
May I suggest therapy?
Le Clown
…some kind of joke, Le Clown?
Oh, Lyssa, I feel your pain. I remember when my sex doll started getting bored with me, he said I was too wooden for him. I don’t mind telling you it was a little insulting. I suggest getting another sex doll and getting busy with it right in front of him. That should make him jealous as hell, and will make him stop taking you for granted.
Great idea!
Jeremy Irons or William Shatner?
Personally I’d go with Jeremy Irons, especially if you can get one with voice abilities because he has an amazing voice. If you go with Shatner, at least make sure it’s from the Star Trek tv show era.
Dear Madame Weebles and L™e™ C™l™o™w™n™,™
Upon who’s definition of love was Nietzsche basing that aphorism? My lawyer says, “If it’s someone possessing moral turpitude then your ring’s gonna sting for at least twenty years.”
I was hoping that it was possibly one of you two…?
The Seed,
I’m guessing you don’t get laid much?
Le Clown
Le Clown,
You guess correctly, but when I do, I jolly well make up for it; on the 21st of this month for instance, the people in the next room will end up with friction burns.
Am I supposed to simply overlook the fact that you didn’t answer my question?
You get your freak on during the Vernal Equinox too??? Dude!!!!
I get my freak on whenever the fuck I can; just so long as I don’t lose an hour…..of freak.
Aw man, I set you up perfectly for a good Druid comeback line or something. Now I’m sad.
Oh bless; don’t be sad, Le Clown attempted something only yesterday and failed miserably; you’re in good company…well done for trying.
You must be from the UK with that phrasing. Am I correct? (Say yes even if I’m wrong, it’s good for my ego.)
Yes.
I knew it! (even though I’m fully aware I could be completely wrong)
Your excitement regarding irrelevant stuff which could quite easily be wrong is infectious……….or should I say, ‘color’…
I see what you’re doing there. You’re trying to throw me off with your lack of U. You’re either UK or Canadian. I’m going to wager Canadian now, actually. Most folks in the UK call it the Second World War, whereas Canadians call it World War Two. Americans call it WWII. (I might be American but I’m only mostly stupid.) Also, my ability to be excited about mundane things has held me in good stead for many years.
Ooo this is fun….or should I say, ‘являются Вами дразнящий меня’…
Nice try, Comrade.
You got me; you were right with your initial reading of my sarcastic and patronising comment in assuming that I was English!
It’s always a pleasure to be patronized (notice the z) by someone from the Mother Country.
I do notice the z (notice the zed), and you’re most welcome to it, madame.
Wow, who’s your lawyer?? I channeled Nietzsche a little while ago to ask him your question, and he said “Batman.” I think he was just kidding though.
Some bloke called Robert Shapiro…is he good? (At his job; not in a Nietzsche sense, you understand.)
Batman……..that could work though; would Friedrich be willing to sign something to that effect?
I’m sure he would, although I’m a little concerned that it would look more like my signature than his, even with the channeling. But fuck it, I’ll sign off on that too.
I would say that writing his name rather than yours is probably a good start; with practice I’m sure you’ll master it, I used to do it with German World War Two pilots all the time (no I didn’t).
And why the hell not? Some of those Fokkers were interesting.
I perfected Hans-Ekkehard Bob, Friedrich Körner and some of the Dambusters, none of whom flew the Fw190……
I’m laughing but also gnashing my teeth at your not reacting to my Fokker joke (even though it’s not my best work, it still tickles me). I do not know these German pilots but I assume they flew some other sort of dandy planes. Messerschmitts, perhaps? Stukas? And of course the Dambusters wouldn’t have flown those, I suspect the RAF would have balked at that.
I didn’t want to ruin your brilliant joke with some sort of clumsy effort on my behalf………….I kind of alluded to it with the Fokker-Wulf 190 reference – which is just possibly a joke for nerds.
Yes they flew the dandy Messerschmitts; Körner the Me109, and Bob the Me110, 109 and 262……I think I just wrote that last bit whilst asleep, god only knows how bored you are.
I don’t think the RAF cared what their pilots flew, just so long as they were shooting the baddies, and saying tally ho!
I’m nothing if not a nerd. And now I take back my speculation on you being Canadian. I’m standing by my original UK guess. I suppose the RAF would indeed have been fine if they were flying German planes as long as they were blowing up the right stuff. At any rate, the Avro Lancaster was a fine plane.
Also, I’m a WWII aviation nerd, I never get bored with this stuff.
I know you are; I wrote you a comment about ‘Winkle’ Brown on a warplane birthday post you did…I think that’s right.
The lancaster was a fine plane indeed; weird how small it seems to look in real life though.
Well I’ll be darned… so you’re the blogger formerly known as sacha1nch1. I did not know that. I also did not know about Winkle Brown, so I looked him up. That’s one impressive hombre. Looks like there was nothing built that he couldn’t fly.
That I am; I thought by keeping the same gravatar this would help people….I’m all about the giving.
He was an impressive guy, and very nice and unassuming. He was also one of the last people to speak to Goering before he committted suicide…he said he was really rather pleasant, intelligent and interesting to talk to!
Dear Weebs and Le Clown,
Where do babies come from? One came out of me almost a year ago and I still don’t know how that happened.
Love,
Emily
My dearest Emily, did you sit on any particularly virile looking toilets any time about 9 months prior to that time? Do you recall any bright lights and/or alien probes? Have you experienced missing time? Any or all of these could be responsible.
Emily,
I haven’t slept since yesterday, 6-ish a.m. I don’t even know how to type anymore, let alone answer you as to where baby comes from… I know they don’t let you sleep, though…
Le Clown
oops – you may delete this one; there’s a problem with the thing on the thing
Already done, my dear sir.
So it is; your efficiency impresses me almost as much as your ability to train a kitten to kill.
One must be efficient in order to train kittens for sniper duty.
One of the main reasons that I never went into that line of work.
Thank Goodness there is a team of experts for this! In the last week, someone searched for: ping pong ball put in ladies bum and then today : rub granny ass stories and found my blog (I have never spoken of my granny’s ass!)….I’m quite perplexed…at first I was excited that someone would like my ass, but now I’m not so sure….what do you think?
White Lady in the Hood,
Well, I did google baseball first, and ended up on Bill McMorrow‘s blog…
Le Clown
They couldn’t have meant you, Chica B. You ain’t no granny. Are you sure the search term didn’t say “fine southern ass”? The ping pong ball thing perplexes me too. Although if you think about it, better it should be a ping pong ball than a golf ball. Golf balls don’t have any give, and thus, would be extremely unpleasant, I would think.
Le Clown and Madame,
Hahaha, someone found me searching “www.fake at home some time sister and brother alone on night they sex each other(fake about pussy hole stories sex”. So heres my question, what the fuck is that all about? And should I have worn a condom while writing whatever it was that returned that search term? And do you think I helped that pervert have a fun sexy time?
Have you checked your spam filter for STDs? Because I worry about what sort of things might be in there from all the weird search terms. I’m quite sure you enhanced their sexy time—I mean, how could you NOT?
so that’s the secret eh? Ask a question about *S*E*X* and you too can get over two hundred comments? sheesh who knew it was so easy
Dear Rosie,
Exactly! Let Le Clown know when you write about S*E*X* and he will try and be part of your 200 comments.
Le Clown
It’s true, Rosie. That’s the secret. *S*E*X*, or even just plain SEX should do it!
Dearest Madame Weebles and Le Clown,
I have been having sex with my boyfriend in my dreams, but when I wake up I don’t have enough energy to have sex with him in real life. Am I a dreamland adulterer?
Your Friendly Neighborhood Prostitute <3
My dearest lady, you’re not an adulterer—you’re just starting earlier than your boyfriend is. I suggest that you get your boyfriend to start getting busy with you in his dreams as well, as obviously he’s lagging behind. This way, when you both wake up, you’ll be at the same pace. Then you can both rest up for a few and get busy again later. Problem solved!
Love,
Madame Weebles
Whoredinary,
Whatever the answer is, at least you’re having sex with the man of your dreams…
Le Clown
Dear Madame Weebles and Le Clown:
What is the relationship between love and/or sex and frozen custard?
Sincerely,
C-a-L
I love frozen custard. I have never had sex with frozen custard. I think that’s the only difference, really.
Dear Le Clown and Weebly,
This topic is right up my alley…the dark one, with the masturbating hobo.
The guy I’ve been fucking for the last few months likes it rough, as do I, but he keeps leaving marks on my body that my husband might notice during one of our bi-weekly attempts at sex. He bruised my lip (which turned dark purple and had everyone asking what happened so I took one for the team and said I banged it on my steering wheel…duh), bit my hand so hard that it left a bruise for a week and just recently, left bruises around my left breast. That one’s a little harder to explain…thankfully my husband works the next 2 nights so I hopefully have time to heal. How do I continue to enjoy the rough sex without leaving telltale marks?
Mistress, I suggest lining your car in cottony soft quilting. That should help cushion the blow. Also, maybe your fella would be wise to have all his teeth extracted. Being gummed doesn’t leave as many bruises. Granted, being toothless is generally more suited for entertaining the gentlemen, if you know what I’m saying, but at least you won’t have as much explaining to do.
Love,
Madame Weebles
Hi MW and le Clown, and hi Wendy, I’ll take that one above if I may. Wendy your chap may be good at dishing it out but you can tell him from me he’s a fucking rank amateur. Just get him to wrap you in a damp towel first, before each pleasure beating. It dramatically reduces bruising.
Oh, and as for your comments about the hobo masturbating in dark alleyways, where else is one to go? (And i also deeply resent your comments about my dress style.)
Arran,
You’re hired.
Le Clown
yea- hey, High risk strategy, intrusion into the prerogative of champions. (thought i might shot right down there) Honoured dude, honoured.
Fear not, Arran, you fit right in.
Oh God, really? Now I am afraid. I don’t know man, i mean Md W. Perhaps it’s like that bit in Star Wars, or Empire Strikes even, and you and Le Clown are like a pair of Darth Vader twins, a sort of Darth Vader double act. And you’ve won some sort of light sabre battle and I’ve lost it, and the Force is not with me and I’m hanging off some sort of wind swept gantry, below a space station, and … Jesus, where is my hand gone?! Anyway, anyway, you’re both just trying to get me over, to the power of the Dark Side. I can feel its power, actually its kind of tempting, that world of dark puerile humor and cruel wit, of dark alley hobos and damp towels…
But no, I shall let go, and fall off, to land, hopefully land on the Millenium Falcon, the Falcon of safety, of dry commentary, and architectural heritage posting. But thank you, for that glimpse into another world. I’m forever grateful. Adieu…. Vaders.
Arran, you answered this perfectly. I took a stab at answering Wendy myself, but I like yours better. Cheers, sir.
This question isn’t about sex, but why are ‘the ladies’ always so wierded-out by my asking if I can draw / paint / photograph them like one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s French girls?! I mean, I’m only trying to build-up a portfolio over here for **** sake.
Sig, you’re aware that you can swear to your heart’s content Chez Weebles, yes? So let’s not have any of that bullshit PG-rated **** stuff. Anyway, these chicks obviously don’t appreciate ART. Such provincial idiots. I think the obvious solution is just to go to France. This way you’re guaranteed to find some femmes who don’t mind stripping down for the cause. Bonne chance!
Why, thank you, Madame! I thought that might be the case… sometimes the self-censorship thing strikes me as funny (although so did my question when I first wrote it, but on second thought it seems like I should have come up with something better than that…)!
Oh crap …. this is what I’ve been missed in my absence! Oh well, at least I learned a lot of good advice in the comments.
Hiya Frank! We missed you! I’ve been quite absent from the blogs myself this week so I’m sure I’ve missed a bit too. But I’m so glad you stopped by!
You two are scary-brilliant. I haven’t laughed so much in… well, since late October. Thank you XXXOOO
Oh, Janet, you’re the best.