Another post without a real title because it’s just some stuff with no common theme to pull it all together

Madame Weebles —  June 14, 2013 — 168 Comments

Friday greetings and salutations to all!  (Except you. Yeah, you. No, don’t look behind you, you’re the one I’m pointing at.)

Here’s the first thing on my mind today: the expression, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” Maybe I’m just a mean, vengeful bitch, but there’s nothing so bad that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. In fact, the badder, the better. Being thrown into a volcano? Yes, I would wish that on them. Getting ripped to shreds by a pack of rabid wolves? You betcha. Being flayed and then boiled in oil? Hellz yeah. What if they were chained down, forced to watch an endless loop of Justin Bieber concert footage and given an electric shock each time they tried to close their eyes? I’m cackling gleefully just thinking about it. How about if they had to drink a poison that would kill them slowly and painfully while a throng of teenage girls stood by and viciously mocked them? Get out the popcorn because I’m watching that show.

There’s nothing too bad for my worst enemy, believe me. Even if my worst enemy were subjected to the most nasty, evil, twisted psychological and physical torment that could possibly be dished out, it STILL wouldn’t be bad enough.

This might be too good for my worst enemy.

This might be too good for my worst enemy.

I mean, I’m not talking about my frenemy, my sorta enemy, or my I-don’t-quite-hate-them-enough-to-wish-them-dead enemy. I’m talking about MY WORST ENEMY. If someone has done something vile enough to become my worst enemy, why wouldn’t I wish utter horror on them? Is it just me? It’s just me, isn’t it.

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I have some seriously good ideas for retail stores. Check it out:

  • In Philadelphia, I’d open a bookstore called Written House. (If you know Philly, you know why this is awesome. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the City of Brotherly Love, here.)
  • In Quantico, VA, I’d open a sandwich shop across the street from the FBI headquarters and I’d call it Unsub.
  • In Germany, I’d open a chain of restaurants in all the airports, and I’d call it Luftwaffle.

I can hear you all groaning from here, by the way.

————————————————–

I frequently have dreams in which I’m still in school and I find out that my final exam is that morning and I haven’t been to class all semester. I know a lot of people who have similar dreams. It seems to me that this kind of anxiety dream must be a fairly modern phenomenon, because up until the 20th century a lot of people didn’t even finish high school.

So what anxiety dreams did people have in previous centuries? Maybe they weren’t school related. Did they wake up in a cold sweat thinking, “OHMYGODIFORGOTTOFEEDTHECHICKENS”? Did they dream that it was almost dark and they didn’t have any candles? Maybe they had more dire dreams, about contracting plague or smallpox? What kinds of stuff would have freaked them out? I wonder about things like this.

————————————————–

Is there anyone on earth more punchable than John Mayer? Actually, never mind, I just answered my own question. Bieber. I can’t say he’s more punchable, but he’s certainly as punchable.

————————————————–

Tomorrow is National Lobster Day here in the US. I’m going to celebrate the day by having a lobster for dinner. He’s a finicky eater, though, so I hope he likes what I’m serving.

168 responses to Another post without a real title because it’s just some stuff with no common theme to pull it all together

  1. 

    I once had what I think is the most extreme version of that anxiety dream that anyone has ever had: I was about to take the Bar exam, and I suddenly realized I’d completely forgotten to go to law school.

  2. 

    Hmmm, you’re right. I have some things I wouldn’t mind wishing upon my own worst enemy–an hour conversation with my sister in law for starters and eventually this would lead to ancient torture devices and such.

  3. 

    You have really made me stop and think. . . is Justin Bieber more punchable than John Mayer? I’m really thinking yes, but then I look at John Mayer’s greasy hair and punch-worthy face and say “no…no” but then Justin tweets something horrendous…I’m in a quandary here, something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

    • 

      I see what you did there. You brought it around full circle. Nicely done. Ideally we could shove both Mayer and Bieber into a volcano, that would really be best for humanity. Except then we’d probably offend the volcano gods, who would then smite us.

  4. 

    Nice. You can take the goyl out of New York City but the New York City will always be part and parcel of they goyl.

    I had a dream once (seriously) that I was caught in the office conference room naked. The only thing on hand was a big box of yellow post-it notes. Well! You can imagine what I had to do. But instead of making post-it boxers, I made an entire outfit! Why’d I bother?

    Here’s the thing I dare say: Mayer is annoying but he’s a hell of a guitar player. And that’s all I dare say.

  5. 

    Those darn chickens…thanks for waking me up this morning. That’s funny stuff.

  6. 

    The other night I had a dream my brother served me dinner and there were dead mice in the food. When I told my father my dream-brother was trying to poison me, he was all offended. “Don’t be ridiculous, your brother would never try to poison you with mice,” my dad said. “He’d use Drano or something. Your brother knows that mice probably wouldn’t kill you, just make you sick.”

    Now I have daytime anxiety that my brother knows actual ways to poison me, and I’m never eating or drinking anything he ever gives me again. I’m going to have to hire someone to be my taster, like the kings used to do back in medieval times.

  7. 

    Might as well make it a celebration weekend, so here are two to complete your weekend: today (Friday) is National Bourbon Day & Sunday is Fudge Day.

  8. 

    Is there anyone more punchable than John Mayer? No. No there is not. (thanks for making me spew coffee all over my keyboard this morning)

    • 

      Oh no. Spewed coffee? I hate being responsible for the loss of beautiful, valuable coffee ore. I’m so sorry, Darla. But no, there really isn’t anyone more punchable than he is. What say we punch him together?

  9. 

    Likelihood that I will wake up in a cold sweat screaming “OHMYGODIFORGOTTOFEEDTHECHICKENS” tonight in the middle of my red-eye flight after reading this? Very high. The other 187 passengers on my flight thank you in advance.

    And, I concur with everyone else that there is no one more punchable than John Mayer. The only comment I have in reference to him is “Just no” and it applies to everything he has done or ever will do.

    • 

      I’m sure the folks on your flight will understand. Especially if they’re from 1742 and they have chickens of their own and they occasionally have the same dream.

      As for John Mayer, I am in complete agreement. He is a waste of valuable space on this planet.

  10. 

    My anxiety dream is similar to yours, Weebs. However, in my dream, I’m out shopping and suddenly realize that I missed the exam that I had been studying for – for the past three days! Oh yeah – and I’m also completely naked…in the mall. Talk about mixed metaphors!

  11. 

    Luftwaffle would certainly go down a bomb in London to

  12. 

    Madam Weebles, you certainly covered a lot of territory in your post! I enjoyed it immensely. I too have those anxiety-laden dreams of school where i have missed all the lectures and now it’s exam time and I’m not prepared. I wonder why that is, since I never missed lectures in my time at school. Odd, that. I like your restaurant ideas, too. They made me laugh. You brightened my day.

    • 

      I wonder what that’s about, that so many of us have those dreams. It’s as if it’s something in our collective psyche, the whole not-prepared-for-final-exam thing. Glad to have brightened your day, Mary–have a good weekend!

  13. 

    Now that you mention it I can’t believe no one’s opened an “Unsub” shop there!

    I’ve never had the still in school- final exam-haven’t been to school all semester dream. Does that make me odd? I have dreams about 10 foot tall white rabbits with fangs that morph into giant white wolves, I have to fight them in a thunderdome like setting. They are my worst enemy, I wish very bad things on them.

    I don’t know off hand who John Mayer is. Should I know this? Do I have to? If he’s more punchable/just as punchable as Bieber I don’t think I care to!

    • 

      C.K., right?? Every time I watch Criminal Minds I think about that. Unsub is the perfect name for a shop there! You should not feel obliged to look up John Mayer, suffice it to say that he’s a douche.

      And what are you eating before bedtime that you’re having dreams about these freaky giant rabbit wolves?? You should just make them watch Bieber videos in your dreams. They’ll never bother you again.

  14. 

    And if your enemies should try any shit with you, they would become MY WORST ENEMIES.

    Also, my eyebrows are naturally like Rooney’s. I spend a lot of time tweezing.

  15. 

    You can name my business anytime.

    • 

      We could have so much fun! Maybe a Mob body recovery service in the Meadowlands called Secarcass. Or a refreshment stand called South Orange Julius, or something fun like that.

  16. 

    I LOVE your retail ideas!

  17. 

    I’ve been out of school for ____ years. I still have dreams where I’m saying, “I feel like there’s a class that I haven’t been going to but I don’t know which one.” I also haven’t waited tables in __ years and I STILL have server nightmares. I get 10 sat and my pen doesn’t work. So weird.

  18. 

    I’m hungry.

  19. 

    Oh, yeah, the exam dream. Hate that one! Mind you, I tended to sit down to an exam after only a few hours of frantic cramming the night before, so the dream wasn’t all that far from reality. But now you’ve got me thinking: what DID people dream of before the exam dream? Chickens seem plausible…

    • 

      Your studying style was very much like mine, Diane. I was a crammer as well. Weeks and weeks of procrastination followed by an all-nighter. And yeah, what pre-dated the exam dream? Chickens? Cows? Maybe nightmarish dreams involving factory work, where you just finished all your piecework only to turn around to find an ENORMOUS pile of piecework still to do? (To be fair, it sounds like that could still a real anxiety dream for a lot of people today.)

  20. 

    Who would be first on your Enemies List?

  21. 

    You crack me up. I hope I never become your worst enemy, though. You’re pretty damn vicious. ;)

  22. 

    Note to self: Never upset Mdm Weebles

  23. 

    Vince Vaughn. I could punch that man all day long. And no, I don’t mean that as a euphemism.

  24. 

    But the word ‘fuck’ is missing from the title…*sigh*

  25. 

    Witty. I would enjoy hanging out eating popcorn with you.

  26. 

    The anxiety dreams I have semi-regularly are that I have to appear on stage in a play or show of some kind and it’s only when I get there that I realise I either haven’t gone to any of the rehearsals, or the rehearsals were so long ago that I can’t remember any of it, I think that’s very similar to the exam one. The other related one, which again I know is a common theme, is that I can’t actually get to the theatre in time because everything in the world is slowing me down and preventing me from getting there (still, if I don’t know my lines, that’s probably a blessing!).

    • 

      I have those slow-down dreams, too. Even the air feels thick—like I’m trying to walk or run under water!

    • 

      Oh, acting anxiety dreams must be brutal, Vanessa! Those are definitely similar to exam dreams. I have other dreams that are similar to the ones you have about not being able to get to the theater, except with me I’m trying to catch a flight and I’m running into roadblock after roadblock on my way to the airport or the gate. I always wake up feeling disoriented and out of sorts after those.

  27. 

    Not chickening out with this post title.
    Best retail names ever.
    Friday – yes!

  28. 

    Do you even know who your worst enemy is? I think most of our worst enemies are so evil we never see them. Or maybe I’m too forgiving to my father.

    I like the Written House idea. I could imagine everyone walking by it, chuckling, then going inside, and then not buying anything because of how cheap they are.

    • 

      I’m sure Written House wouldn’t get a lot of actual business, no, just a lot of chuckles from people as they walk past on their way to Starbucks.

      I’m not sure who my worst enemy is…unless it’s a particularly evil ex-boyfriend of mine. So far I haven’t encountered anyone worse, but there’s still plenty of time. Although you’re probably right, my ultimate worst enemy is probably someone I haven’t seen. Probably true for you too, so give your old man a break, at least for now.

  29. 

    I’m with you on the worst enemy thing. I’m still in the market for a solid arch-nemesis, but when I find them…

    I’m about to (not remotely) blow your mind with some business ideas. A bakery called Game of Scones (It could be profitable for a few years until Game of Thrones ends…), and a furniture store called The Ottoman Empire.

  30. 

    How about that awful dream where you are at a Bieber concert and realize you forgot your grenade launcher?

  31. 

    There I was living a perfect life, not knowing who John Mayer was and not knowing that I might like to punch him. And then I read this post. That will provoke an anxiety dream about John Mayer and I was happy before. I had the perfect life. Damn you, Weebles. Damn you.

    • 

      Oh Elyse, I’m so sorry. Did you actually go so far as to look him up? He’s hateful, I assure you—if you haven’t Googled him, please don’t, I implore you. This is all my fault, and I feel the need to make it up to you. I’ll tell you what: tell me who your worst enemy is, and I’ll take care of that person for you, okay?

      • 

        I did Google him, actually. He grew up where I did and I’d never heard of him. I’m sure he’s really a wonderful person. Positive.

        Of course, I did not play any of his music. So perhaps I dodged the big bullet there.

  32. 

    WrittenHouse – that’s awesome. My kid lives in Philly -going have him start scoping out empty storefronts near the square…

  33. 

    Yep, “XY” years out of grad school, and I still get those not-ready-for-exam dreams. And i have others where I’m trying to reach a place, but I keep running into all kinds of human/objects obstacles that don’t let me get to my goal. And now thanks to this post, I’ll be dreaming about chickens and waffles—maybe flying German chickens eating waffles….

    • 

      Same here, JM—lots of dreams where I’m trying to make it to my plane but either I’m at the wrong airport, or the wrong terminal, or there are obstacles in my way or whatever. What’s with our brains that we all have those dreams? Hopefully dreams of flying German chickens eating waffles would be much more pleasant.

  34. 

    and I’d call it Luftwaffle.

    You might think that would go over someone’s head or bomb, but it slays me.

    And although he’s faded from the limelight, Pauly Shore remains more punchable than John Mayer.

    • 

      “…go over someone’s head or bomb….” Sehr gut, mein Herr.

      Pauly Shore…I haven’t thought about him for about 20 years. Thanks a lot. He’s pretty damned punchable, though, I concur.

  35. 

    You had me at “Luftwaffle.”

  36. 

    I’ve never once had a nightmare about school, tests, forgotten locker combinations, etc… I think perhaps because I never cared enough about school for it to worry me while I was awake, let alone to bother my dreams.
    Bears, however… I dream about bears all the time. They aren’t the cuddly, cute, picnic basket stealing kind either…

    • 

      Not teddy bears either then, eh? Hmm. Any idea why bears in particular, DJ? I mean, bears can be pretty scary, but so can a lot of other animals. No dreams about rogue rhinos or lions or anything? Not that I want to add more animals to your nightmares, just curious.

  37. 

    You had me at Luftwaffle.
    John Mayer is the most kick in the ballsish. Bieber should be slapped across his silly little bratty face.

  38. 

    i spend far too much time thinking about things that would be suitable punishments for the evil turds of earth. i don’t really have enemies, other than that one bitch who lives in my small town who hates me because she couldn’t swipe a man from me… like that’s MY fault?!?!?

    i would eat at Luftwaffle. Probably have the occasional Unsub, too. We should get drunk together. How about lunch sometime? ;-)

  39. 

    How many wonderful followers do you have? So cool. And they comment! (Or maybe they just don’t want to be on your worst enemy list…?). I love the title of your post, I love your stream-of-consciousness thinking. In fact, I like the way you think!

    Dreams – there’s the dream that I went to take my grad school French exam (cause I had to prove I knew a 2nd language to get a Master’s in English – go figure) and the text they gave me to translate was “Waiting for Godot,” and I couldn’t figure out one single French word.

    Oh wait, that wasn’t a dream, that was my reality!

    • 

      I am quite lucky to have many excellent visitors, they’re the best. As for your dream/reality, that sounds heinous. Translating Beckett from French?? That’s cruel. And naturally you’d need to know a foreign language for an MA in English. Makes perfect sense. Or something….

  40. 

    Written House! So great! When I lived in Philly, there was a coffee shop that was holding a contest for a name. My favorite entry was Schuylkill Espresso.

  41. 

    Well, this isn’t really an anxiety dream, but I know you like ghost stories and supernatural things…(my dad has been dead for 12 yrs) and I had a very VIVID dream that he was in my house sitting at my dininig room table drinking coffee. I could hear him stirring the milk n sugar (the swirl, tap, tap of the spoon) it gave me chills..I’ve heard this familiar sound all my life. I told him I was rushing out to rescue this dog who had been abused and he was blind. My dad told me don’t get the dog because he is old, blind and was going to die. I wake up really freaked out and I can’t shake the dream off. My mom calls me a few days later crying because her oldest dog (a gift from my dad) had pretty much become blind and he had fell in her goldfish pond and drowned! It really freaked me the fuck out!! Of course, I ended up being a terrible person because my mom kept going on n on about how the poor fellar just probably swam around n around, blind until he gave out (she started making these “glub, glub, glub” noises and I had to start laughing in the crook of my arm.)

    • 

      Okay, that’s a creepy dream, Chica B. And now I’m sad about the poor dog. But I’ll forgive you for laughing because I know you were laughing at your mom and not the dog.

  42. 

    Madame Weebles, I appreciate that you posted your new standup routine here for all of us to see. By the time I got to having the lobster for dinner, I was laughing and had determined that you have perfect timing. ;-)

  43. 

    Yep, me too. Lobster gag cracked me up. Was it an informal supper, or did Mr Lobster arrive in black bow tie and full evening wear? :)

  44. 

    I would respectfully argue that Dane Cook is more punch-in-the-faceable than either of your choices.

    Mayer might prompt a gag reflex but he’s easy to avoid. Bieber will get his just desserts in a few years when he flames out in spectacular fashion a la Lindsay Lohan. (The equivalent of many, many punches in the face.)

    But look at Cook. He’s every single douchebag you ever went to high school with AND he props up his marginal comedic talents by stealing from folks like Louis CK. Very punch-worthy, I think.

    But, hey, who says you can only punch one person, right?

  45. 

    Justin Bieber is definitely on my punching list. More so because he is more relevant to young women who should be taught to expect better.
    I have the same panic dream; it is a university math class. That is my indicator that I am stressed the fuck out. Also, do you have repetitive locations in your dreams that aren’t quite real but are familiar territory in your mind and represent weird stressed out places? Just me? Ok, just going to book my therapy appointment now.

    • 

      Not just you. For me the weird stressed-out place is always the airport or the plane itself, in the dream. I hate those dreams. I always wake up feeling weird and it harshes my mellow for the rest of my day. Meh. I guess I should discuss this stuff with my shrink.

  46. 

    You write so much like me that I’m starting to think we were separated at birth. Mayer is bad, but if we could throw all of Nickelback in there as well it would just make my day.

  47. 

    You don’t have to wish anything for your worst enemy. Whatever is to come back for some ill they’ve bestowed on someone, as yourself, will come back and even then, there’s no satisfaction in it. But in your case, maybe so. And looking at that saying, there is no worst for me personally. They are all equally bad.

    • 

      That is very true, there is one person in particular, of whom I’ve said, “I don’t even have to wish anything bad on him, I just have to wish that he gets what he deserves.” Karmic payback and all that. But the vengeful shrew in me does like the idea of wishing the worst on enemies…it tickles me. Maybe if it were to happen in real life I wouldn’t actually take any satisfaction from it, but I kind of think I would.

  48. 

    Lady, you are even more brilliant when you’re plotting revenge!
    I want to see Beiber and Mayer duke it out. I foresee crying.
    “your body is a wonderland, if I was your boyfriend.”

    • 

      Ideally, T, it would be a sort of Thunderdome situation, where Bieber and Mayer enter the Thunderdome—but unlike the movie, where one man leaves, in this scenario, they’d club each other to death. Wouldn’t that be FUN???

  49. 

    This was funny. I keep having the dream that i forgot to go to Chemistry class. Eat lobster! Yum.

    • 

      Hiya Jaded1! So happy to see you here. It’s funny that you mention chemistry, that’s always the class where I haven’t studied for the exam. Maybe it’s because there’s something inherently scary about chemistry class.

  50. 

    Rittenhouse is also the name of a book distributor in King of Prussia. Because I’m American I have no idea if that’s close to Philly, but for a second I thought your play on words was based on the company. It’s not which only levels up your play on words.

  51. 

    I have many things I would like to happen to my worst enemy… in fact, anything and everything horrible…. and worse. That’s how I roll.

  52. 

    You’re mean. If you really want to go all out on your enemies, the boxed set of Jersey Shore is always available. You could make them wear the t-shirt as well.

    Cheers!

    • 

      So where the hell were you when I was writing this post, Nigel? I could have used you then. I’ll remember the Jersey Shore torture method for future reference, I think it would really be useful for causing some profound psychological damage. While they’re forced to wear the t-shirts, of course.

  53. 

    You know who’s awfully punchable? My mother-in-law. Yes… more punchable than both Justin Beiber and John Mayer combined (Could you imagine if they somehow made a love child? Well, my MIL would still be more punchable). And, in that same thought, the worst thing that I could think about to wish upon my worst enemy would be dinner and forced, fucked-up conversation with my mother-in-law… at an expensive restaurant (that she chose) when you are trying NOT to get drunk on wine, and you end up paying the bill even though it was her idea to go out… Oh, wait, I already did that this week… lucky thing for my worst enemy.

    • 

      Oh no….that is BAD. So you’ve already taken one for your worst enemy then. Yikes. I consider myself very lucky not to have a MIL like that. It’s okay, though, Cranky—when the revolution comes, and people like Bieber and Mayer get thrown in dungeons to get eaten by rats, your MIL will be on my list.

  54. 

    Ohh that dream!! That fucking dream will hunt me till the end of my days.
    I keep dreaming I fail physics and structural design, I wake up with anxiety attacks,.
    You think Bieber girl is more punchable than Tom Cruise?

    • 

      Ew. I took physics, which I didn’t mind, but structural design sounds heinous. Where did you go to HS, Leo? Was that a HS course?

      With all these comments I don’t know what to do—all the suggestions: Dane Cook, Pauly Shore, Tom Cruise….they’re ALL profoundly punchable. Ideally we’d just lock them all away in an airless crypt to die a slow death.

      • 

        I went to Regis, but that was a college course, I majored in architecture and urban design.

        I think Tom Cruise is high up on the list of people I hate the most, right there fighting with the Palins and Bachmans.

        • 

          Oh, I had many crushes on Regis guys back in the day. The Palins and the Bachmans should be annihilated somehow. I can’t think of enough evil shit that can happen to them.

          • 

            I had a few crushes on Regis guys too lol

            • 

              I bet! We would have had a good time rating and evaluating them together. :D

              • 

                And fighting over them hahahaha
                I remember the guy I had the biggest crush, his name was Julius, he was ginger (gingers give me the hots) and had the cutest smile ever. I was sure he was gay but I couldn’t act on it, you know, catholic school, he was part of the track and field team, like me. We would workout together at times, run through Central Park, I wonder when my Julius is now, he left school, parents moved to the west coast, they took my heart with them hahahaha (you should see my face writing the heart part)

              • 

                Ha, I love the gingers too! We would definitely have been fighting over them, although Julius probably would have preferred you to me. Gingers are a very underappreciated lot. Too bad you and I are both married, we could start a campaign to Give the Gingers Some Love.

              • 

                I recently met this guy, ginger, he works for the same company but in Belgium, he came down here on a business trip, we went for a drink, night was long, we were tipsy and he kept talking to me, but I would avoid eye contact, he soon realized and asked me why, to which I replied “I don’t want you to suck my soul, you ginger are an evil kind”
                He smiled and said “I wouldn’t suck your soul, but I’d suck something else if you want”
                My coworkers started to laugh, I felt dirty, and flattered, and dirty again, but I’m faithful and believe in monogamy. Otherwise…….

  55. 

    DANG, Madame! That Bieber torture thing…
    a friggin’ bond villain would cringe!

  56. 

    There’s very little I wouldn’t wish on “my worst enemy” either. As for dreams… oh that back in Middle/High School dream, lost in the hallways and then realizing that I forgot to get dressed… I’m in my underwear. Eek.

    • 

      That’s not cool at all, My Lady. That’s double anxiety right there. You need the Bedtime Pixies to come over and sprinkle Happy Sleepytime Dust all over you. I’ll send you their contact info.

  57. 

    I was going to say that my worst enemy isn’t so bad, because generally I just steer clear of people and things that would make an authentically terrible worst enemy; I’ve thus been able to cling to the “I wouldn’t wish &ct.” phrase and mean it. However, WordPress is angling to be a much worse enemy than my current worst– not only have they changed the dashboard yet again for nothing by novelty’s sake, but Reader NEVER EVER sends me a note when you update. If that’s not enemy material of a particularly dark dye, I don’t know what is.

    • 

      No notice of my new posts? I am Diamine Classic Red with anger at this. You are most wise to avoid people and things that would make a worst enemy. How have you managed this???

      • 

        It’s a similar approach to “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing,” except it’s incoming rather than outgoing. If someone is emitting crap, I strive to avoid, and if I can’t avoid, I strive remain unengaged. There are a few (The Thing With No Head and Great Rancorous Wooden Block spring to mind) who I can’t tolerate well, but their unpleasantness isn’t personal to me, in much the same way a lump of plutonium wouldn’t irradiate me with malice aforethought, so I stick ‘em under the heading of “natural hazards” rather than “enemies”.

        …so a swift, painless obliteration would do just fine. ;)

  58. 

    You give enemies waaayyy more attention than the fuckers deserve, dear Madame. I can’t be bothered to give them that kind of attention. Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re out there because not everyone is smart or sensible enough to like me (their loss), I just stopped caring a long time ago. LOVE your retail stores – I could shop at Luftwaffle! xoxoM

    • 

      You’re right, of course, Margarita. Sigh. I have a really hard time just not caring. I have an unnatural fondness for vengeance. I would very much enjoy having coffee and waffles at Luftwaffle with you!

      • 

        Never mistake a low-key approach with not caring, my dear Madame. They say “revenge is a dish best served cold.” While I’m not a particularly vengeful person…well, occasionally so…When I choose to act from a place of calm and coolness, I find I’m always more effective. Luftwaffle it is. Let me know when the grand opening is! xoxoM

  59. 

    Yes, I think that Kanye West is muy punchable. God help his spawn.

    No, I would not piss on this one person I know if she were on fire. Oh yes, and she is punchable.
    Oh and oh yeah, oh yeah — I have these dreams about math tests that I haven’t studied for. The feelings I have are so awful! There were instances in a couple of these dreams where I didn’t know the work because I barely went to class — ugh! — horrible!

  60. 

    Madame Weebles, you have a head for retail. I’m putting my money on Luftwaffle.

  61. 

    LOVE Luftwaffle.

    Best thing to do with a worst enemy is after you’ve forced them to watch brain-dribble inducing rubbish (can you add “Sunset Beach” to the list of horror viewing?) you can then obtain an industrial cheese grater and start at their feet and work up. However, make sure that there is plenty of running water as this happens, so that the evidence will wash away.

    • 

      An industrial cheese grater, that would be a slow painful death, wouldn’t it??? I like your thinking on the running water. When I open my Vengeance R Us business, I’m hiring you as a consultant.

      • 

        I only know all this stuff because I watch a lot of Bones and also have every episode of Cold Case on DVD. The other thing to do is to make sure people don’t suspect anything when a person disappears (so no missing person file to worry about) and that ideally, no-one else knows about the maiming or killing, so they can’t shop you when questioned. In other words, there needs to be no evidence whatsoever. Or make it look as much like a natural death as possible, with no evidence of you drugging them or whatever.

  62. 

    Hmm, I’m confused at why this is the first time I’ve visited your house. It’s nice hear. As in, nice to hear. Damned, wandering fingers. It’s nice here. Here. I like it. Smells a little, but I’ll get used to that. Oh, tis just me. Never mind. On another note, did you co-write the Saw series?

    • 

      It’s excellent to have you here, sir. Sorry about the smell, formaldehyde is a bitch to air out. I did not co-write the Saw series, but with all the money that franchise has made, MAN do I wish I had.

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