Madame Weebles chats with Abraham Lincoln

Madame Weebles —  June 18, 2013 — 184 Comments

Before we get down to business, you no doubt have noticed the new Magnificent™ banner above…compliments of my bestie, Le Clown. How much do you love it??? Can you stand it??? Because I can barely stand it, it’s such a work of art. He also created this one:

weebles

Both of these delightful images will be in the banner rotation for all to see and enjoy. Merci, mon ami!

Also, this is a special week at The Outlier Collective. Instead of the usual 2 bloggers, we’re showcasing 7 bloggers, each sharing a unique take on feminism. Please join us!

And now, on with the show.

You know about my experiences hearing dead people. I’ve even shared my psychic predictions from time to time. So I thought, hey, why not have a sit-down with some dead people and interview them, like Barbara Walters except interesting?

I turned off the lights and lit a candle for ambience. Except I didn’t realize the candle was some sort of cloying scented thing. It made my eyes water and I almost passed out from the fumes. I blew it out. Darkness is better for communing with spirit anyway.

Soon, I felt a presence. I called out, “Who’s there?”

I heard the sound of a coin dropping on the floor and rolling to a stop. From the street lamps outside, I had enough light to see that it was a penny, heads up. Hmm.

Penny

“Mr. Lincoln?? Is that you?”

“Yes it is. I’m so glad you figured that out. Do you know how many other people just say ‘Hey look, a penny!!!!’ and then grab it and run off and forget I’m here? It’s very annoying.”

We chatted for a while about this and that. But then I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to know.

MW: So, Mr. President, I hate to bring up bad memories, and I don’t want to seem tacky, but I have to ask: what did you think of the play before you were so rudely interrupted?
AL: You know, I was really enjoying it. But Booth shot me right during the funniest line—he did that on purpose, you know. At first he said he did it so the laughter of the crowd would drown out the gunshot. But he admitted to me later that he did it just for spite so that I’d miss the best part.
MW: What an ass. Did you ever see John Wilkes Booth act? Was he any good?
AL: Eh. He was okay. I might have been more generous with my opinion about his acting ability if he hadn’t been a president-murdering son of a bitch.
MW: That’s fair. I assume when he died he didn’t go upstairs, am I right?
AL: That’s correct, he’s down below. Last I heard, he was being moved to different quarters. The Night Stalker—he just arrived down there—got dibs on being his bunkmate. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
MW: But Mr. President, in your second inaugural address, you spoke so eloquently of a time when the war was over, and welcoming the Confederates back to the country with “malice toward none.” You don’t sound like the man who wrote of such forgiveness.
AL: I know. I lied. It made for good press. Don’t look at me like that, it’s not like I’m the only president who ever lied.
MW: You have a point there. Anyway, what have you been doing since your assassination?
AL: You mean in these past seven score and eight years? Well, I recently took up yoga. And I learned Thai cooking. In fact, just the other night I gave a dinner party—the food turned out really well but the guests were a bit rambunctious. Cleopatra drank all the wine as fast as Jesus could make it. And I have to remember never to leave Queen Victoria alone with Marco Polo…they disappeared for a few hours and when they came back, the Queen’s gown was all disheveled and wrinkled and Marco high-fived everyone.
MW: Wow. I had no idea they were such party animals.
AL: Remind me to tell you about the time I had drinks with Florence Nightingale. She might have been a bit of a prig when she was alive, but now, once you get a few apple martinis in her, she lets her hair down and starts slipping the tongue to the barmaids.
MW: Is that right?? I would have thought she’d be more of a teetotaling sort.
AL: Let’s just say the “Lady With the Lamp” becomes the “Lady Wearing the Lampshade” pretty quickly when alcohol is involved.
MW: You’re starting to fade, Mr. Lincoln. Is there anything else you want to say before you leave?
AL: There is, as a matter of fact. Why is everyone so fascinated by Kim Kardashian? Am I missing something? She has a great behind—I don’t think she’d even need a bustle to fill out her dress. But other than that, she seems as useless as George McClellan.
MW: A lot has changed since you were here, sir.
AL: Not really. Next time I’ll tell you about the time Edwin Stanton and I put on some of Mrs. Lincoln’s dresses and paraded in front of the Capitol Building. We acquired the calling cards of quite a few senators and congressmen.

Stay tuned for my next chat with the spirit world…who knows who will come through next??

184 responses to Madame Weebles chats with Abraham Lincoln

  1. 

    You should have asked him how he feels about having a car named after him. Also, that cop from “The Mod Squad.”

  2. 

    Come and try to knock us down… forever, and forever and forever!

  3. 

    I love interviews with dead guys. And while he is one of my favs, Weebs, shouldn’t you have started with someone HOT?

    Love the banner.

  4. 

    Marco and Victoria … that’s big news. After all, who would have thunk it! Thanks for getting the scoop.

    Cheers to LeClown’s effort on the banners.

    • 

      I know, Frank, I was so surprised by that revelation. Although Victoria was quite the randy gal back in the day, despite the association of the Victorians with all things prim and proper. So I suppose it shouldn’t be a shock to learn that she found the adventurous Marco Polo irresistible.

  5. 

    As per usual, I loved this post. My favoUrite part, though? That you tagged it with this: Do NOT use scented candles for your seance

  6. 

    Love the new banners, Madame Weebles. The twins are positively murderous! And I love me a good séance. I’m glad to see Mr. Lincoln is doing so well. He seems to be enjoying the great beyond. I’m also glad to learn that he cannot see the attraction of Kim Kardashian. Neither can I. I do however worry about the new child she has brought into the world. Oh, and Madame Weebles, use plain beeswax candles for the séance.

    • 

      Lesson learned, Mary. I didn’t think to check whether it was scented first, but from now on, nothing but good old-fashioned beeswax! I worry about Kim Kardashian’s daughter too. That poor thing. As Mr. Weebles wisely pointed out the other day, they should just hand the kid over to the nannies now, because you know the parents won’t be paying much attention to her.

  7. 

    Interesting. I once interviewed George Washington. I discovered that he and Lincoln have a bit of a rivalry going on.

    • 

      That’s very true. Abe talked some smack about George, but I chose not to publish that part out of respect for our first president. By the way, the rivalry just went up a notch—Abe was telling me that George is pissed off because Clark Gable offered to be Abe’s wingman at the bar and basically dissed George. Poor George. And he’s still bitter about the time he tried to chat up Marilyn Monroe and got cockblocked by Jim Morrison.

  8. 

    I was going to put the bloody Grady Twins up there first, but then I saw The Shining again this weekend and that long scene with Danny riding in the hallways always gets me, so I decided to start with that one instead. But they’re both brilliant.

  9. 

    Yes! Kim Kardashian IS as useless as George McClellan. And no one could say THAT better than Old Abe. To this day, I don’t understand why Abe ever put up with that rat bastard! I know, you’re not used to hearing me use such language, Weebs, but I just recently finished “Team of Rivals,” and the very mention of McClellan sticks in my craw!

    GREAT post. I can’t wait for the next installment.

    • 

      I know!!!!! McClellan was SUCH a useless clod, it’s a wonder the Confederates didn’t win the war when McClellan was in command of the Union Army. And I’m amazed Lincoln didn’t murder him. I still can’t figure out how he managed to become a general in the first place. I like seeing this side of you, Cathy. It tickles me.

  10. 

    Love the new banners, loved this post!

  11. 

    I’m so glad to hear Abe has taken up yoga. Long limbs like that require flexibility.

    Love, love, love the new banner! REDRUM…

  12. 

    Wow – I’ve never read a blog where both George McClellan and Cleopatra were mentioned. If you could have thrown Captain Kirk in there it would have been the Holy Trinity! Love reading your stuff. You should have asked him what he hid under the stove pipe hat.

  13. 

    Those banners….sorry, no other words for it….fucking awesome!

  14. 

    Yeah, those banners rock!! AND I always knew Lincoln was a badass…awesome.

  15. 

    Nice pic Weebles and I always love a conversation with dead presidents, especially when the topic shifts to president-murdering crap actors. You have managed to sufficiently pacify my day that I aim a salty yawn in your general direction.

  16. 

    Played poker with Lincoln a time or two but he always seemed distracted for one reason or another.

  17. 

    Chorkling along, never fear Weebles! (And adore the header – just perfecto!)

  18. 

    I am a little sad you didn’t settle the question of who was more punchable? Next time you channel Lincoln I really think you should address that issue. I would accept Lincoln’s opinion as definitive.
    Also, those twins don’t scare me. I have my own problems.

  19. 

    Now I have the image of Lincoln doing Downward Facing Dog stuck in my head.

  20. 

    Truly the most Magnificent™ banners ever created! I loved the interview with Abe, especially discovering he wasn’t as honest as he gets billed for, I kind of always suspected so.

  21. 

    He’s got the build for Yoga

  22. 

    This is fantastic. In every way. No one can ever have enough of “The Shining” in their lives! I should note that I also just start saying “REDRUM” in a nice raspy voice whenever the urge comes up (I also use the finger motion at the same time). Sadly not everyone appreciates it. Maybe Abe would appreciate it.
    On another note, I’ve never been a big fan of Victoria, except that we have a holiday in her honoUr, so by default, I have to be thankful that she was good enough to get me an extra long weekend every year!

    • 

      I do the same thing with “REDRUM,” Cranky. I bet Abe would do the same if he saw The Shining.

      That’s the biggest drawback of the US not being a commonwealth country–no Queen Victoria Day long weekend. They really didn’t think that whole revolution thing through.

  23. 

    What a fangtastic header, background and
    incredible posting all round, and who would
    have known it, Kim Kardashian having such
    a fat R’s? Have a fun rest of afternoon and
    keep adding to your uniqueness :) :)

    Andro xxxx

    • 

      Ha, “Fangtastic.” I’m so glad you like the new look, Andro–I can see why the darker vibe would appeal to you…

      • 

        It does, but then your wickedness adds well to any theme, I should know I have been reading your stylish postings :) I know, I need to keep calling in and a lot more often, I am hopeless on the visiting these days :(

        Andro xxxx

  24. 

    dude. seriously. You crack me up.

  25. 

    There are so many things I would have asked him. For example, which portrayal of yourself do you prefer? Daniel Day Lewis or that robot at Disneyland?

  26. 

    Now I want to know what you psychic predictions are for me??? I loved the line about “Lady with the Lamp” and “Lady Wearing the Lampshade”. . .I would definitely be the latter!! :)

  27. 

    Awesome new banner(s)! Next time, ask him how he feels about being discontinued… no more pennies! What!

    • 

      I will definitely ask him that, My Lady. I have a suspicion he’ll have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it’s a bummer that his coin is being discontinued, but on the other hand, couldn’t they have given him a coin with a greater value??? Didn’t he earn that, for fuck’s sake???

  28. 
    Claudia Bette June 18, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    To funny! I named my kid after our 16th president. I may have said that already before.

    I love the banners

  29. 

    Weebles, I’m in awe of your ability not to pick up that penny and run off with it.
    And I loved the in-depth feature on Abe.

  30. 

    Apparently I was the only one who was not aware of the foolishness of using scented candles for seances, T……

  31. 

    I can’t believe Abe didn’t go into detail about the naughty details of the party. I heard from Tallulah Bankhead that Queen Vic, as she’s know, came out of the boudoir wearing a blindfold and little else. She cried out “Marco?!” and the party guests all responded “Polo!” and scurried away to other parts of the room, snickering to themselves. She nearly tripped over the coffee table before finally yanking off the blindfold and storming out of the room. Everyone had a good laugh about it.

  32. 

    Did he have any critiques about his personification in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure? “Party on, dudes!”

    • 

      Shit, I forgot to ask him.. I think he probably appreciated it, though. That, and the whole “Be excellent to each other” — I can see Abe getting behind that philosophy.

  33. 

    ZOMG, you know what we have to do, my Luscious Vixen? We totally have to do a post together. AND a séance.

  34. 

    When I finished laughing – which was quite awhile, I realized I could stop worrying about posting interviews with my cat. At least he’s alive.

  35. 

    When I saw the title to this I yelled “Abraham Lincoln” at my screen. Like Will Ferrel does with Santa in Elf. Then I read it, and now I wish I could party with him even more. And Miss Nightingale can come too. Thank you for having these abilities.

    • 

      You have no idea how thrilled I was to have Lincoln come through during this sitting. I was all, “ZOMG, it’s Abraham Lincoln!” I wanted to fist bump him but since he’s basically air, it didn’t go all that well. But he’s a righteous dude and I think we would enjoy partying with him and Florence. I bet Lincoln can really put away the booze.

  36. 

    That is an awesome banner. The faded cheap hotel look with the twin weeble bouncers and oh-scary lettering has real style. I am flummoxed by the girl on the bike, but then I’m often flummoxed by people on bikes. And run over, I’m often run over by people on bikes.

    As for Lincoln, cracking interview. He sounds like he’s putting a bit of an eternal damper on fun in the afterlife, but then someone’s got to. I’ve always got a grin out of the words “in god we trust” on his coin. I mean, wouldn’t “in bullet proof vest” have been more appropriate?

    Cheers!

    • 

      My psychic powers tell me you’ve never seen The Shining.

    • 

      Oh, Nigel, bless you. You never saw The Shining! That’s a takeoff on one of the more creepy scenes from the movie. Those girls are the Grady Twins, the daughters of Old Man Grady, who was not a very nice man.

      I think Abe is just fine with fun in the afterlife, he just didn’t want his guests spoiling all the effort he went through to make that Thai curry basil chicken and pad thai. A bulletproof vest wouldn’t have helped him, though, since he was shot in the head, poor thing.

  37. 

    First:
    I love the banner.
    Second:
    I love the other banner
    Third:
    Mr. Lincoln hasn’t read E.W. Jackson’s book and his thoughts about yoga.
    http://www.politico.com/story/2013/06/ew-jackson-virginia-lieutenant-governor-yoga-satan-92321.html

    • 

      Yeah. That’s awesome. What a stupid, stupid motherfucker. Shouldn’t surprise me, though. I mean, the Catholic church has come out and said that things like reiki are basically demonic, this isn’t really any different.

  38. 

    I did NOT know this, Bumble! I think I’m going to call you Honeybee from now on, by the way. Bumble makes me think of bees, and you’re a honey, so I’m going to call you Honeybee.

    So no, Honeybee, I didn’t know about his line of popcorn. I love popcorn. I bet Abe would have liked popcorn too.

    • 

      Weebs, you can call me Honeybee anytime!! I love that!!! You gave me a nickname. Yay!! I feel so special and honored.

      Yes, this popcorn even has Abe’s picture on it and comes in all different varieties: butter, kettle, caramel.Yum!!

  39. 

    I love the new banner, although I have to confess I thought they were a set of yarmulke wearing jewish boys, it took me a sec to see the kid on the bike, then ding…lightbulb went off (kind of like one those 3D pictures) The more night shifts I work the slower I become. Love the Abe L. interview. Considering the “Lady with Lamp” is my avatar, I’m proud to hear she’s doing us nurses proud up there. I look forward to more interviews with dead people.

    • 

      I literally laughed out loud at your line about the yarmulkes, Jean. That’s funny. I don’t think I knew you were a nurse, and also, how was I not following your blog already? I suck. I have now followed you and will be visiting you directly. I think Flo is having a good time in the afterlife—she sure as hell EARNED it with her work down here, no???

  40. 

    *I* smell a sequel.

  41. 
    writerwendyreid June 19, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    I wanna party with Flo! :-P

  42. 

    Thanks. “Other than that, Mr. Lincoln…” was my go-to rhetorical question. Now what do I say?

    • 

      That’s funny, my go-to was “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln…” You can always use that one if you like. Unless she comes through during a seance. But I don’t think she will, she’ll be too busy shopping or something.

      • 

        Well, my go-to is ALSO addressed to Mrs. Lincoln, but since your post was about Mr. and started with the same quote, I thought I’d tailor my comment to better sync with…never mind.

        From now on I’ll go with “does a bear sh*t in the woods?”

        • 

          *oh* Well, see, I didn’t know that. I was actually trying to be helpful, it’s so unlike me. I guess “does a bear shit in the woods?” is always a good one to fall back on, though.

  43. 

    “I don’t think she’d even need a bustle to fill out her dress.” Who knew Abraham Lincoln was not only a little jokester, but an ass man too.

  44. 

    I’m glad you didn’t ask him about dying in a bed to short for his frame.
    That’s gotta dig at him…

    • 

      It does bother him, Guap, which Is why I didn’t press the issue. Imagine, having to be put all slanty in a bed, then dying that way with his feet sticking out. So undignified. There may be worse ways to die, but I can’t think of any.

  45. 

    It would be SO fascinating to have your powers, Madame… I would love to talk with Abe (although he’d probably get bored with me pretty quickly – he seems to know way more about the Kardashians than I do). Seriously, though… I think I’ve used him in at least 3 kitschy projects already… so that’s depressing for him I’m sure. I mean, it’s maybe not as bad as a night at the theater, but, still…

  46. 

    I’m so glad I was here for you, Don. Having to resort to actual work is a cruel fate, and one that should be left to people who have that irritating work ethic thing.

  47. 

    I will do that, JM! Between Lincoln and his wife, who was from Kentucky, I’m sure they would have a LOT of good dirt to dish.

  48. 

    Ice cream soup on a hot day—–YES. And why don’t they serve that at restaurants and sidewalk cafes? Gazpacho and vichysoisse are fine, but what, they’re too good for ice cream soup?

  49. 

    Love the new banner, but I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t get the reference until I read the comments. I’ve led such a sheltered life. Sigh. Say hi to Abe for me!

  50. 

    Great banner and read. That Abe. Found your site via The daily post’s recent shout out.

  51. 

    Weebs, pennies, five-dollar bills, and February will never be the same for me ever again. Thank you.

  52. 

    I love, love, LOVE these banners! Excellent channelling efforts too. Sadly, I’ve been the one running off “ooh, a penny!” and to think…oh wait…mine has a leaf on it. Maybe it was Mother Nature calling…

  53. 

    the banner is fantastic and the comments are just as funny as the interview with Abe. You rock!

  54. 

    I keep getting behind on my blog reading – damn you real world, always getting in the way of the much more entertaining blog world. I saw you and Darla on the funny blog people interview thingy, I didn’t comment, well I commented to myself, I said “Ooh cool! I must come back and comment on here later when I think of something witty and enlightening to say”. Didn’t happen.

    So wonderful that you have “the gift” and the nerve to ask the questions that nobody dare ask to go with it. I can’t wait to see which dead people get the MW treatment next.

    • 

      Trust me, Vanessa, I udnerstand completely. I hate how the real world infringes on our very important blog reading time, don’t you? I wonder who will come through during the next seance—Abe was a good sport for answering the tough questions, so I can only hope our next guest is equally gracious.

  55. 

    I cannot find the banners…please help…

    and good post and all that, very amusing, very clever…and of course; historical fiction, how much more evidence do you need?!

  56. 

    I really do empathize with President Lincoln, nothing is more annoying that someone ruining the funniest line of a play or TV program. At least he found a friend in you and who would have thought that Queen Victoria would be such an animal! But then again, she did have all those children…

    • 

      I know, that really was a dick move on John Wilkes Booth’s part. As for Queen Vic, she was a randy one in real life, apparently. She felt that children were basically an undesirable side effect of sex, but she wasn’t willing to give up the sex so she kept getting knocked up.

  57. 

    I’m sending you my Kennedy 50-cent piece right after I post this…

  58. 

    Abe is a big part of my life. In fact I drive an Executive Lincoln Town Car. It’s not just Eddie Izzard who makes my couch-on-wheels so fab and Executive.. It’s people like you Miss Weebles who get it.
    NOTE: Abraham Lincoln was one of we Chosen People. Yes! He was shot in the temple

  59. 

    MY GOODNESS. This was bloody hilar! That’s what some of the younger, posh twats say over here. Not that I am one but I thought I’d try it out for size. How did it sound?

    Anyway, I was just telling another blogger about how I love you and this just validates why. I kept highlighting lines that I wanted to quote but then I’d find another one. And copying and pasting the whole post into the comments box is a tad stupid. Whatever, I’m just saying crap now.

    Great post. One day I will get round to them all…

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Happy 4th of July: Dr. Seuss Redux « Fear No Weebles - July 4, 2013

    […] given my recent chat with Abe, I decided an encore performance of last year’s post was in […]

  2. Madame Weebles chats with Edgar Allan Poe « Fear No Weebles - August 29, 2013

    […] may recall my very enlightening chat with Abraham Lincoln from a few months […]

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