Happy 4th of July: Dr. Seuss Redux

Madame Weebles —  July 4, 2013 — 158 Comments

For last year’s 4th of July, I wrote Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address as it might have been done by Dr. Seuss. This year, I’ve created a new poem à la Seuss—the Declaration of Independence, modeled on that great American classic, Green Eggs and Ham:

We don’t like you, no sirree
We do not like your tyranny

From Schoolhouse Rock, another American classic

Colonists are people too
We want our rights, you bet we do

To life and liberty, gracious, yes!
Pursuit of basic happiness!

And so we have to break our bond
With all our friends across the pond

Could we, should we, tell you why?
Before we say our last goodbye?

You taxed our tea, you taxed our crumpets
You even taxed our ploofs and flumpets!

We do not want to quarter troops
We do not like your army groups

We’re subject to your silly laws
And thrown in jail with no real cause

Why have you ignored our plea?
We simply want to be more free!
Would you, could you, let us be?

We ask you nicely, you don’t care
It isn’t right, it isn’t fair!

So with this fancy declaration
We’re separate now, a whole new nation

We’re free now from your tyranny
See you later, King George Three!

And given my recent chat with Abe, I decided an encore performance of last year’s post was in order:

‘Twas eighty and seven years past, so they say
That our founders created the US of A

With all of us equal! The Wuggles! The Fuzzins!
And even our naughty Confederate cousins!

Now there’s a war and it’s bad and it’s sad
But a time will soon come when we’ll all be quite glad

That our nation still stands and our country’s still here
And we’ll all drink a toast with a mug of Sneetch beer

These bravest of soldiers did not die for naught
We need a do-over to do what we ought

So let’s have no more of this Civil War folly
And remember our government’s purpose, by golly

Of people! By people! For people! Yes!
Right now this country’s one heckuva mess

I want for this country a sort of rebirth
So all these nice freedoms don’t perish from Earth.

158 responses to Happy 4th of July: Dr. Seuss Redux

  1. 

    Seuss! In my collegiate speech class, our prompt was to write a speech about who we would nominate as a world leader. Not only did I nominate Seuss, I wrote the speech entirely in rhyme. Another woohoo! for Seuss!

  2. 

    ‘I want for this country a sort of rebirth, so all these nice freedoms don’t perish from Earth.’
    This is the kind of prayer I can sing. Everyday. Amen.

  3. 

    I’m a bit worried about whether I’m welcome around these parts today…I’ll at least have the decency to hide my crumpets anyway. Awesome Dr Seuss work there Madame !

  4. 

    That was like fireworks, but I just got up.

  5. 

    You’re a regular Emily Dickenstoned. Can you do one for Egypt? They just threw a squatter out of the presidential palace. How timely!

  6. 
    whiteladyinthehood July 4, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Weebs, these were great!!!

  7. 

    You’re practically a poetic genius! I say practically because my fave ‘f’ word remained absent. Dr. Seuss could have used it several times in his little books. “Is that a duck, who gives a fuck,we are about to suck, and we’ve run amuck”…Ahh…so many rhymes, so little time. Nicely done, Weebs. AND, Happy 4th! Have a great day!

    • 

      You may have a second career there as a poet yourself, Kayjai. It really is a shame Dr. Seuss never did a naughty book, with curse words and maybe pop-up pictures. Fuck.

  8. 

    You are a marvelous poet, Madame Weebles! Happy 4th!

  9. 

    This was, Green Eggcellent & Ham!!! Happy 4th! :)

  10. 

    Have I told you lately that you are brilliant? Well, you are. Happy 4th, Madame.

  11. 

    Okay, I’m just jealous I’m not this clever. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in hot dogs.

  12. 

    ‘Murica!
    This is amazing, MWs.

  13. 

    Not only a Queen of the Give-a-Finger Tour of NYC, a poetic historian as well.

  14. 

    wow that’s awesome! love them both :) creative and fun but keeping to the spirit of both; just lovely

  15. 

    You are amazing. I cannot even think of a snarky thing to say. This is far cleverer than I.

  16. 

    Someday you’ll make a million dollars off these and you’ll owe it all to me.

    I want larger government just to get more of these.

    • 

      I’ll give you a cut of the profits since these wouldn’t exist without you. There’s still plenty of other historical documents left to Seussify, so we’re good for a while longer.

  17. 

    Happy America Freedom Day! This is a very fitting way to celebrate. So much so that I think you should get a job rewriting all the amendments. Here, I rewrote the fourth one for you:
    I do not like these guns at all, a lot of grinches come to call.
    Guns are here, guns are there, guns are every, every where!
    Guns are bad, so bad they say, they hurt a person every day.
    Guns are not for Cindy Lou hoo, guns are just not meant for me or you.
    Guns were only meant for dweezles, to protect us from the weasels.

  18. 

    They taxed our ploofs and flumpets!?! No wonder we declared our independence.

  19. 

    It’s wonderful to see the crazy child of my nation become such a power and I tip my hat to you Madame Weebles! A poet and nearly a doctor too! What if you were meant to be the next Dr Seuss? Your poems should definitely be broadcast from sea to shining sea to inspire all Americans. From across the pond, happy birthday America!

  20. 

    Awesome. Now I’m wondering what you’re doing for next year!

    Have a good 4th :)

    Cheers!

    • 

      So many possibilities, Nigel…I haven’t even gotten to the Constitution yet! Happy 4th to you as well—is it a strange thing to celebrate Independence Day, having come from England?

  21. 

    :) :) HAPPY 4TH of JULY :) :)

    And what a treat you have given us
    my dear Madame Weebles :) ;) Now
    for dessert I would like some cakes,
    maybe the odd toasted marshmallow
    and some chocolates, oh yes I am
    getting really into this celebration now
    and even though I am an Englishman
    I am sure that I will be welcomed at
    your table for treats and more :)

    Have fun today and tonight ;)

    Andro xxxx

  22. 

    America, fuck yeah!

    Awesome job, Weebs, happy Fourth!
    C-

  23. 

    Brilliant stuff. Didn’t know you were such a great poet! Here’s a scientific haiku for you.

    Weebles rocks the Seuss.
    The Seuss rocks America.
    ‘Merica loves Weebs.

    You’re lucky I didn’t spring for the limerick. May not have been as family-friendly.

  24. 

    Awesome and wonderful! Happy 4th of July! Did I ever tell you how much Seuss is adored in our house? I may have to publish your poems in this household!

    • 

      Thanks Cranky! Dr. Seuss was so freaking talented and clever. He never published any 4th of July stuff, which is a shame, but I like to think he’d appreciate my homages. :)

  25. 

    Happy Fourth, Madame W.
    I always enjoy modern takes on the classics!

  26. 

    Most excellent Madame Weebles! Most excellent indeed!

  27. 

    Ingenious, Weebles. I love green eggs and ham (Weebs-I-Am). Happy fourth.

  28. 

    This is really awesome :) Terrific idea.

  29. 

    Madame Weebs and Doctor Seuss
    Combined them with creative juice
    Our independence day to see
    Filled with fun and liberty!

  30. 

    I love your Seuss-ifications.

  31. 

    We do not like this taxes thing,
    We’re leaving now; so up yours, King!

  32. 

    Thanks Rants! Yeah. Hotspur. Some people are classy, like you, and then there’s him…

    • 

      I’ve got my Schadenfreude Tuesday Trousers on…although I understand if you don’t want to point me towards the hotspur bashing…

      • 

        To be honest, I don’t even remember exactly where the snotty comments reside—it was at least 6-8 months ago, otherwise I’d point you to them. Let’s just say that my comrades and I prevailed. ;)

        • 

          Please ignore my other request then, I thought I’d included it with some other comment…how many did I make? I suspect he may have deleted the offending articles…

  33. 

    Utterly brilliant… on a boring note, I once interviewed Dr Seuss and can say without any fear of contradiction that he was utterly handsome, utterly charming, incredibly elegant and thoroughly decent!!! ( and rich and clever too)
    Gorgeous in fact…O envied his wife…

    • 

      You fascinate me, Valerie. Each thing I learn about you makes me that much more fond of you. Suffice it to say that what you say here is HARDLY a boring note. You MET Dr. Seuss!! How many people can say they interviewed Dr. Seuss?? Did you have a hard time not gawking and fawning over him?

  34. 

    I began grinning at the very first line. This just tickles me! Thank you Madame Weebles.

  35. 

    Awesome, Suess himself would be proud of your skills, and your gibberish was particularly good! Where can I get a cup of Sneech beer?

    Rohan.

  36. 

    You’re like the Weird Al of history. Fuckin’ love it.

    • 

      I don’t think I’ve ever been compared to Weird Al before. Although if my hair were as short as his, and if I didn’t wax my upper lip, we would look like brothers.

  37. 

    If that was how the Declaration was really written, I bet a lot more people would know it by heart.

    Happy (belated) Independence Day, Weebs!

  38. 

    Lady, you are a force with words. Beware of turds.
    This was most enjoyable.

  39. 

    THIS. This was the best ever. I just read it out loud to my beloved and he agrees.

  40. 

    That was absolutely fantastic. I can’t even comprehend how one is that funny, witty and rhymey. Are you even human?

  41. 

    Great verse. What jumps out at me are these lines:

    “Why have you ignored our plea?
    We simply want to be more free!
    Would you, could you, let us be?”

    What would you say is the compulsion to ignore your pleas? Does that really have anything to do with your freedom as you believe?

    Shakti

    • 

      Thanks for your visit, Shakti—this is actually based on the American Declaration of Independence, so the content parallels the content in the declaration. See the link at the top of the post if you’d like to see the original!

  42. 

    Ahhhhhhhhh, bless you, JM, for this Magnificent comment.

  43. 
    writerwendyreid July 7, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Better late than never! Well said, Weebly. :-) xo

  44. 

    “You taxed our crumpets”—This would have been the last draw for me.

    • 

      No kidding, sister–I would have been rioting in the streets over that. What are we supposed to use as a butter delivery system without crumpets?? Those bastards.

  45. 

    I think fifty shades of shite would be very funny Seussified…although please don’t take this comment as confirmation that I have read aforementioned shite.

    • 

      I haven’t read aforementioned shite either. It’s beneath us. And you get a gold star for being the only one to have mentioned that tag.

      • 

        I think that funny tags are sometimes the little reward one gets for being arsed to read everything. I shall put my golden star on my new blog.
        As an aside, I made a comment in response to your response to Brain Rants and his mention of hotspur…did you get that? Because it didn’t seem to show up on the thread…

        • 

          I just found two replies of yours that were in my Spam folder, and I rescued them. I’m going to have words with those WP people–how dare they assume Mr. Seed is spam! And yes, please do enjoy your shiny new gold star. You earned it fair and square.

  46. 

    HRH Madame Weebles,

    I applaud thee,
    Brought laughter out of me.

    FBG – aka SexyPants ;)

  47. 

    Seuss is one of my favorite philosophers. If school kids had this version to memorize, they’d LOVE history! Now can you explain long division like Shel Silverstein?

  48. 

    This is so clever and hilarious! Way to Seuss it up for Fourth!

  49. 

    You Americans are really odd people. I think we Canadians should invade. I would make the Clown fella the captain of my armies, but I’m afraid he will need a bigger nose.

  50. 

    Given the mess of the UK at the moment, it’s probably a good thing you declared independence! Otherwise we’d be in a much bigger hole than we already are…

  51. 

    Fun fun. I wonder if people in the UK still want to come here? We were smart to run away and start our own country. :)

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  1. The Pocket Book Of Boners, illustrated by Dr. Seuss (1942)) | Vintage (and not so vintage) Paperbacks - July 4, 2013

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