Madame Weebles chats with Edgar Allan Poe

Madame Weebles —  August 29, 2013 — 106 Comments

You may recall my very enlightening chat with Abraham Lincoln from a few months ago.

Last week I communed with the spirit world once again in hopes of interviewing another famous dead soul. The first one to make himself known was a lovely, warm being, but not the best interview subject. I’m so sorry, Monsieur Marceau. Perhaps another time.

After bidding him adieu, I sat in silence for several minutes. Then I heard something rattle across the floor. It was the pit from a peach I had eaten earlier.

Message from beyond, or cat toy?

Message from beyond, or cat toy?

A strong breeze passed through the room even though the windows were closed. The cord from the blinds began to sway, back and forth. Back and forth. Like a…pendulum.

Waaaaaaaaaaitaminute. Pit and pendulum??

“Mr. Poe!!”

“Blast, you startled me. Now I’ve spilled my wine.”

“Sorry, I’m just so excited, it’s not every day the Master of the Macabre drops by, you know. Here, I’ll pour more wine for us.” I opened a nice cabernet—I thought he would enjoy that (don’t ask for the details on how ghosts drink, it’s very complicated and somewhat messy). We toasted and settled in for a nice chat.

MW: So how have you been? What have you been doing lately?
EAP: For the past year or so I’ve spent much of my time haunting the creators of The Raven in hopes of driving them mad. I think that would be quite fitting. Did you see that movie? It was an abomination.
MW: Yeah. It sucked mightily. I’m sorry, Mr. Poe, you deserved much, much better.
EAP: I agree. And please, call me Edgar. This wine is quite nice, by the way.
MW: Would you care for some more? I’ll top off our glasses. I’m so glad to have this time with you—you died too young. By the way, speaking of people who died too soon, Abraham Lincoln visited me too. Have you met him?
EAP: Oh yes, Abe and I drink together regularly. He’s the best wingman. That “Honest Abe” shtick of his works every time. Me, I just work the “tortured writer” angle. Chicks love that stuff.
MW: So you’re both basically players. Nice.
EAP: Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
MW: Whatever you say, Edgar.
EAP: You know, it’s too bad I’m not alive now, I’d be a fantastic movie or TV writer.
MW: Yes you would. Do you have any favorite TV shows?
EAP: Twilight Zone was genius, of course. Which reminds me, I’m having brunch with Rod Serling next week. I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The American Horror Story series is excellent too. I also enjoyed WKRP in Cincinnati.
MW: Excuse me?
EAP: Loni Anderson. She was a hot number.
MW: I wouldn’t have expected you of all people to like a sitcom.
EAP: Did you hear me? Loni Anderson. We need more wine, by the way, this bottle is empty.
MW: I’ll get another. So tell me, which movie version of your stories did you like best?
EAP: I liked Pit and the Pendulum with Vincent Price. But I was disappointed that Roger Corman didn’t take more liberties with the stories to give the women skimpier costumes. Vincent is in my regular poker game—he has an amazing poker face. Then there’s Hazel Court, who was in a few other Corman versions. What a great rack. I keep inviting her for a little afternoon delight, with—
MW: Yeah. I don’t want to hear details. Now—
EAP: Have you ever tried absinthe?
MW: Once or twice, yeah.
EAP: I happen to have a bottle with me. Be a lamb and pour us some. Better yet, let’s just drink from the bottle.
MW: We’ve already had a lot of wine, you know.
EAP: Exactly. Now it’s time for some real alcohol (takes a few swigs and drains half the bottle). Here, have a few belts. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was telling you about my torrid affair with Mata Hari. She might have been a spy but I discovered exactly which button to push to get her to reveal her secrets, if you know what I mean…
MW: Eww. No. You weren’t telling me about that.
EAP: No? Oh yes, you’re quite right. It was about my delicious weekend of debauchery with a buxom peasant girl from medieval France. I bent her ov—
MW: No. It wasn’t.
EAP: …that was right before I met some of Nefertiti’s beautiful Nubian handmaidens. Those maidens know how to use their hands all right. And don’t you just love that word, Nuuuuuuuubian. Come on, say it with me.
MW: I don’t want to.
EAP: And then there was the time I met up with some of the Vestal virgins from Rome. Virgin in name only, by the way. They were wild.
MW: I really don’t—
EAP: But nowhere near as wild as Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Mary. I had a threesome with them many years ago. Those Catholic girls really know how to get their freak on. You’re Catholic, right?
MW: Edgar! Give me that absinthe. You’re skeeving me out.
EAP: What a delightful word. Skeeeeeeve.
MW: This conversation makes me want to bathe.
EAP: Excellent idea! Would you like me to scrub your—
MW: Goodnight, Edgar.
EAP: You’ll invite me back soon. You’ll see.

Absinthe

On behalf of Edgar, Madame Weebles would like to apologize to Poe fans, Roger Corman fans, Hazel Court, Catholics, Nefertiti, Nubians, medieval French peasants, Vesta and her virgins, Mata Hari, Mary Queen of Scots, Mary Tudor, and women in general. It was the absinthe talking.

106 responses to Madame Weebles chats with Edgar Allan Poe

  1. 

    Dang … EAP sure likes the ladies! Dang … wished I could have helped with the wine.

  2. 

    Great interview, Madame!
    His imagination certainly hasn’t slowed up with his death, has it? By the way, if he comes back, could you get him to explain why he was dressed in someone else clothes when he died of “brain congestion?” While he’s at it, maybe he could give us an idea of what “brain congestion” actually is. I’m pretty worried about it because I’m sure I’ve got it from time to time!

    Cheers!

  3. 

    Lenore is gonna be so pissed. I bet this is the time she tells ole Edgar da Player, “Nevermore!”

    WKRP, hahaha! See, this is why I don’t drink absinthe anymore. Funny stuff, Weebs!

    • 

      I’ve only ever had absinthe in cocktails, not straight up, but it seems to be hardcore stuff, Christy! Yeah, Lenore would have reason be pissed—unless of course she’s out getting some action too…

  4. 

    That Absinthe will get ya every time, or so I’ve heard. I was surprised to see it on a cocktail menu recently. I thought it was illegal or something. Glad to hear Edgar is having a rollicking good time in the afterlife. Somehow, I’m just not surprised!

    • 

      I thought it was still illegal myself, Cathy, until I read an article about how the ban on it was lifted in 2007. When I was in New Orleans a few years ago, I had some cocktails with absinthe–they were pretty good, from what I can remember…

  5. 

    Nuuubian…I’m going to say that all that night/day now, Weebs. It is rather fun to say. Mr. Poe wastes no time with the ladies. I can’t say I’ve ever tried the Absinthe. You got to watch him on that stuff, man. I see you have boobs as a tag. That will be fun for you! This was a delight, Weebs. It’s good to see you on your blog.

  6. 

    Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder – Edgar is a one isn’t he!

  7. 

    next time do an email interview–Poe sounds a little, what is the word–I know but am not allowed to say–it will tarnish my reputation

  8. 

    That opening was filled with old school Catskill sucker punches. Pow. One after another. Poe didn’t mention anything about doing fellas, did he? I thought he became a switch hitter after the absinthe kicked in. And what’s up with the apology? Nobody apologies on the internet.

    Hey, Weebs. I just did a post about a walk down Houston (How-stun) during the bad old days (c. 1993). Might bring a tear to your eye. Might not.

    • 

      He didn’t say anything about being a switch hitter, and if the absinthe didn’t get him talking about that, then who knows. But he didn’t bring any laudanum—maybe that would have been the secret to getting him to reveal more.

  9. 

    Ha! And I expected a conversation on litterature? Silly me.
    You both emptied that bottle very quickly indeed. But I’d love some absynth. I’ve never tried, but I’m curious. It turns you into a green fairy, right?

    • 

      HA! That made me laugh, NBI. Literature. I can see why you’d expect that, though. One would ordinarily assume that a chat with a literary legend would involve literature. Absinthe hasn’t turned me into a green fairy yet but that’s what I hear: la fée verte… If you like anise-flavored things, then you may like it!

  10. 

    Wow. I loved this interview. Next time I wanna be around for the wine. Oh, yeah and whomever is the dead person you interview…that too.

  11. 

    All it would require is a reread, since early in the chat EAP refers to The Raven as “…an abomination.” And, for the record, I wish I was “ugly” like John Cusack.

  12. 

    Who knew Big Pimpin’ was Poe’s personal theme song?

  13. 

    I hope for your next interview, you’ll chat it up with Norman Fell or Vic Tayback. Please.

  14. 

    I enjoyed your interview with Edgar Allen Poe. I can’t wait to see who the spirits deliver next. EAP was an interesting dude.

  15. 

    Eerie coincidence– I’ve just watched The Raven, and the word “abomination” was on my tongue by the end of it too. Always a treat to hear news of Vincent Price, even if the messenger is a little overtaken in drink.

    • 

      I’ve never seen a greater waste of film than The Raven. It’s truly, madly, deeply awful. And I say this as an unabashed fan of some really shitty movies. Vincent apparently is doing quite well, according to ol’ Edgar, even if Edgar is a little peeved that Vincent always beats him at Five-Card Stud.

  16. 

    Great interview, Madame, but I don’t know if I’d trust old EAP very far. Especially if he offered to share a cask of Amontillado.

  17. 

    In Absinthe Veritas….? ;-)
    Poe, excuse me, Edgar, seems like my kind of guy. Maybe he’ll come haunt the kingdom one of these days. That would be a trip. Hmm, speaking of “tripping,” what did I do with my bottle of Absinthe…

  18. 

    You should have known better than to get Poe drunk. I’m surprised he didn’t start twerking. You dodged a bullet on that one.

  19. 

    Darn, I wish I would’ve known he’d be visiting you! I just did a book review on a forthcoming novel, “Mrs. Poe.” I’d love to know what he thought and what really might’ve happened between him and Frances Osgood!

    • 

      I just read your post, JM—I think your review was extremely fair (as in, well balanced, not as in so-so). Anachronisms in books drive me batty, I would have a hard time with any book that has them. Anyway, if I had managed to catch up on my post reading BEFORE Edgar visited, I certainly would have asked him about Fanny Osgood, I have a feeling he would have been more than happy to dish the dirt…

  20. 

    What if you threw a seance and a famous person came and you had NO idea what they were famous for? i.e. Edgar Allen Poe. I mean, i know he’s a writer and I know he’s buried near me in Baltimore (i think) but do they give you time to hit Wikipedia before they fade out in nothingness? That would be my hope – because I’d hate to waste the opportunity of a past-lifetime.

    • 

      Oh, my dear sir, I do hope you’re not implying that Poe is someone who might not be known by someone? He’d be crushed to hear you say that. CRUSHED. Are you in B’more? I don’t think I knew that! Mr. Weebles is from B’more. Represent! You’re right, though–what if some 3rd-tier writer or artist showed up and I needed to Google them? I like to think they’d stick around long enough for me to type in their name and get some basic 411 from Wikipedia.

      • 

        The only E.A.P. I ever read or followed was my company’s employee assistance program – which I had to use to get the bad taste of working at that same company out of my mouth.

        And by “near” in Baltimore I’m just globally near – Northern Virginia.

        • 

          Ugh. It’s a terrible thing to work at a place you hate. I’ve been there too, bro. Reading actual Poe would probably also be good for getting the bad taste out of your mouth. Accompanied by absinthe, too.

  21. 

    Ohh, my bestie. You didn’t notice the part where Edgar talks about haunting the creators of the movie? And what’s this about once-good John Cusack? His choice of movies may be abysmal but he’s still groovy. Then again, I’m somewhat biased because I’ve had the hots for him for 25 years. I’d be happy to watch him sit and read a book.

    • 

      You were trying to blot out all reminders of that horrific movie. It’s understandable. I’ve liked a bunch of movies John Cusack has done over the past few years, including Hot Tub Time Machine. The Raven wasn’t one of them.

  22. 

    Actually I just realized it’s more like 30 years. Man, John Cusack is old.

  23. 

    I always suspected that Ed was a perv. It’s probably not great that Loni Anderson was one of my earliest role models along with Dolly Parton. What did they have in common, I wonder, that made me aspire to be like them?

  24. 

    Hey, Weebs! i’m kinda back! trying to catch up with people… THIS was brilliant! Reminds me that alcohol is good for you! off to get my drink on…

  25. 

    Poe and Price playing poker is perfect p-alliterative phantasy.

  26. 

    Dang, you’re funny. WKRP? Really?

  27. 

    Lonnie Anderson, you had me at Lonnie. I’d be afraid to see how that turned out… another aging thing.

  28. 

    That’s the one P word I forgot. Peen.

  29. 

    Love this!!! And yes, I do believe Poe would love American Horror Story. That’s some good sh*t.

  30. 

    I think you were just inviting Edgar so you could blame your absinthe consumption on someone else.
    (Excellent plan, by the way!)

  31. 

    Good to hear from Poe once again, Weebles. Time travelling was his forte.

  32. 

    I thought you conducted yourself very well weebly woo; and didn’t hold back on the absinthe; never tried it and I don’t think I’d like the flavour…I would of course try it…we have the magic mushrooms starting to make their appearance here soon…a haunted hotel and psilocybin; what spirits would that evoke?!

    • 

      Wait wait wait wait wait….you have a HAUNTED HOTEL? You never mentioned that it was HAUNTED. I’m going to require a lot more details here. As for absinthe, if you’re not a fan of ouzo or Sambuca or other anise/licorice flavored things, you wouldn’t enjoy it. I think it’s quite nice, personally.

  33. 

    Vincent Price perfect for all EAP genre.

  34. 

    This is hilarious. EAP was one of the greats. Vincent Price was a genius. My dad “corrupted” me onto horror films from a very young age! Great interview!

  35. 

    Who knew? Edgar has mad game! Well, maybe not. You didn’t seem nearly as impressed as he seemed to be hoping you’d be. Quoth the raven, ‘Denied, dude’!

  36. 

    Edgar Allen Poe and Loni Anderson? If Larry King could find multiple wives, I suppose anything is possible.

  37. 

    I love Edgar Allen Poe and anytime he wants to have a drink with me, he just has to come a-knockin’. Funny post Weebly. xo

  38. 

    I would have loved to hear a pitch he is working on for a television sit-com: Murder And Hilarity In The Rue Morgue starring Loni Anderson.

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