I know, I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. You know why? Because I didn’t feel like it. I felt like watching television and playing Candy Crush. Often at the same time. But one can ignore the siren call of the Blogging Gods and Goddesses only for so long. I mean that literally; a few of them sing off key so it really is quite difficult to ignore them.
(As an aside, you people are seriously way too prolific with the posts. I’m not even just talking about those of you doing NaNoWriMo/NaBloPoMo/Nano Poblano/Whatever. I’m talking about ALL OF YOU. Every day there there are roughly two million new posts. It’s ridiculous. Sure, I have insomnia, but even if I were to spend every waking hour reading posts, I still wouldn’t be able keep up. So cut it out. I mean it.)
With all the time I’ve been spending playing Candy Crush, my brain has been free to wander aimlessly and recklessly, coming up with ideas that make me think, “Yeah, that’s a little twisted.”
- I think it would be fun to have a phone conversation meant to be overheard by as many people as possible. Maybe a conversation where my half sounds something like this: “Mmm hmm…right. What? What do you mean? Where is it? Well how big is it? Eww, really? Hmm… Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. What happens if you poke it? Go ahead, try it. What? Are you okay? Hello? Hello?? HELLO?!?” And then I’d hang up looking all concerned and worried.
- Or I could go into a Home Depot at 3am and buy a shovel, trash bags, a saw, and some lime. Just to see if the cashier notices anything odd about that combination of items.
- If I had a car, maybe I could rig up something to put in the trunk to bang against the lid so that it sounds like someone trying to get out. Except I’m afraid I’d get arrested by cops with no sense of humor.
- Or maybe I could go into a supermarket and buy a dozen cans of cat food and a box of Triscuits or Wheat Thins. And while the cashier is ringing up my purchases, I could pretend to talk to someone on the phone: “No, I’m just picking up a few snacks, I’m having company tonight.” You know, to see who hears me and gets alarmed and grossed out. There was this one time when I really did unnerve someone at the supermarket along these lines. I was at the register with my usual zillion cans of cat food along with my other items, and the guy behind me said, “Wow, how many cats do you have??” I said, “I don’t have any cats.” I don’t know how I managed to keep a straight face, but I wish I could have taken a photo of his reaction.
Actually, now that I’ve written these out, they don’t seem that twisted. I’m not sure if that means they really aren’t that bad, or if my ability to detect twisted things is completely out of whack.
You be the judge. And by all means share your own twisted ideas.