Because I’m twisted

Madame Weebles —  November 13, 2013 — 161 Comments

I know, I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. You know why? Because I didn’t feel like it. I felt like watching television and playing Candy Crush. Often at the same time. But one can ignore the siren call of the Blogging Gods and Goddesses only for so long. I mean that literally; a few of them sing off key so it really is quite difficult to ignore them.

(As an aside, you people are seriously way too prolific with the posts. I’m not even just talking about those of you doing NaNoWriMo/NaBloPoMo/Nano Poblano/Whatever. I’m talking about ALL OF YOU. Every day there there are roughly two million new posts. It’s ridiculous. Sure, I have insomnia, but even if I were to spend every waking hour reading posts, I still wouldn’t be able keep up. So cut it out. I mean it.)

With all the time I’ve been spending playing Candy Crush, my brain has been free to wander aimlessly and recklessly, coming up with ideas that make me think, “Yeah, that’s a little twisted.”

For instance:

  • I think it would be fun to have a phone conversation meant to be overheard by as many people as possible. Maybe a conversation where my half sounds something like this: “Mmm hmm…right. What? What do you mean? Where is it? Well how big is it? Eww, really? Hmm… Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. What happens if you poke it? Go ahead, try it. What? Are you okay? Hello? Hello?? HELLO?!?” And then I’d hang up looking all concerned and worried.
  • Or I could go into a Home Depot at 3am and buy a shovel, trash bags, a saw, and some lime. Just to see if the cashier notices anything odd about that combination of items.
  • If I had a car, maybe I could rig up something to put in the trunk to bang against the lid so that it sounds like someone trying to get out. Except I’m afraid I’d get arrested by cops with no sense of humor.
  • Or maybe I could go into a supermarket and buy a dozen cans of cat food and a box of Triscuits or Wheat Thins. And while the cashier is ringing up my purchases, I could pretend to talk to someone on the phone: “No, I’m just picking up a few snacks, I’m having company tonight.” You know, to see who hears me and gets alarmed and grossed out. There was this one time when I really did unnerve someone at the supermarket along these lines. I was at the register with my usual zillion cans of cat food along with my other items, and the guy behind me said, “Wow, how many cats do you have??” I said, “I don’t have any cats.” I don’t know how I managed to keep a straight face, but I wish I could have taken a photo of his reaction.

Actually, now that I’ve written these out, they don’t seem that twisted. I’m not sure if that means they really aren’t that bad, or if my ability to detect twisted things is completely out of whack.

You be the judge. And by all means share your own twisted ideas.

161 responses to Because I’m twisted

  1. 

    I’m not as twisted as I used to be. I also think people are blogging more because of seasonal change. Or they are “too cool” to participate in NaBloPoMo, but are secretly competing anyway. People are strange. Or maybe it’s just me.

  2. 

    Those ideas are hilarious I would totally join in on all of these

  3. 

    Park yourself in any Starbucks in Manhattan and you’ll hear all sorts of shouted cell phone conversations. My favorites are when people get in a big yelling match with a loved one and forget they’re in public. Those are the best.

    Do you know what I used to do when I was a young buck out with my pals? We’d be out seeing a loud band perform (I used to do that quite a lot) and do you know how if you’re having a conversation and the band suddenly stops playing you find you’re shouting? At that very moment, I would yell, “I SAID, I LIKE WEARING WOMEN’S PANTIES!”

    • 

      Parking oneself *anywhere* these days will result in hearing many shouted cell phone conversations. I’ve heard them in public restrooms. People on their cell phones on the toilet. Is there any conversation that can’t wait, that needs to take place while someone is on the throne???

      I like the yelling about women’s panties when the song stops. Did anyone high-five you or did they just look at you funny? Mr. Weebles has a similar story about someone saying something inappropriate when a song stopped—it was something like, “YOU CAN’T FUCK A CHICKEN!”

      • 

        I used to work with a powerful financier. I’d always catch him in the men’s room yammering away on his cell phone while standing at the urinal doing his business. He had it pressed between his shoulder and ear, as both of his hands were otherwise occupied, I used to PRAY it would slip an fall onto the urinal cake. It would have cost me my job but I would have laughed hysterically as he pissed all over it.

  4. 

    Weebles, I think possibly you need to drink more. I am willing to help on this score.

    • 

      What are you saying, Lewin, are these ideas too twisted, or not twisted enough?

      • 

        Not near enough Weebles. I appreciate your rage, but the outcomes seem a bit mild. And don’t go asking me for what I might do! I’m well too old to be doing weird stuff anymo.

        • 

          “Well too old”?? I suspect I’m older than you are, buddy. And even if I’m not, you’re never too old to do weird, twisted shit.

          • 

            Trying to think of the last weird twisted thing I did… last Christmas party, I got pretty smoked in a pre-party in the boardroom and started lighting fire to bowls of rum. You should try it. They produce this flickering, gentle blue flame, looks great with the lights off. Anyway, they should have given away the lighter, cause eventually I got tired of my office chair and took it to the parking lot to burn it. Went up really really fast – what the hell are they trying to do, kill me? I guarantee you that inhaling burning plastic and polyester for a few minutes will give you a new perspective on the holiday season.

  5. 

    Welcome the f*ck back. Ha! This gave me an idea…I could be in any public setting. I could say, “what do you mean you woke up and he was gone? Call the doctor…Now!”

    I was wondering about you.

    • 

      Look at you, jaded1, using an asterisk instead of actually coming right out and typing “fuck.” So dainty. I love your idea, “What do you mean you woke up and he was gone?” That would raise quite a few eyebrows. Meanwhile I have to come visit you and stuph. It’s been quite some time since I’ve read your lovely poetry etc.

  6. 

    While I love the ‘No Cats’ mention do we really need to be playing Candy Crush when there are banks to rob, cars to pinch, helicopters to blow up and peeps to accidentally run over while chasing some asshole stealing someone’s purse on Grand Theft Auto 5 now come on, tell me, is Candy Crush still on your agenda? ;) :) Hey kidding of course I know how much you adore your game, well I do now anyway :)

    It is great to see you in my reader, now that is something rare, actually I miss hundreds of postings because of not being notified but then… Lazy me for not calling more, but then that is the big furking problem with WP… Too many nice peeps and not enough time to read their blogs :( Hey have a lovely Hump Day (WOW that reminds me I have to post a Hump Day Post today, see, I am even behind on my own blog – Bloody Hell :( lmao)

    Andro xxxx

    • 

      You bring up some very excellent points, Andro. And I’m way lazier than you, you’ve been posting and visiting, whereas I have not. Damn that Candy Crush. I’ll have to start hotwiring some cars.

  7. 

    I just discovered Candy Crush. I, too, play while watching tv. We are multi-talented and our brains must be sufficiently engaged or we will be in Home Depot buying the supplies for a Jr. Dexter home serial murderer kit. Nice to see you.

  8. 

    Madame Weebs –

    Good to see you up and writing again – even if it appears that you’ve got some serious homicidal ideations going on over there. As for my twisted thoughts, I’ve always wanted to text either my mom or one of my siblings with a message along the lines of….

    “You were incredible last night, Rafael. I never knew it could be like that. I love how adventurous you are – and that goes double for your dog, Sir Humps-a-lot. What do you say I ditch my husband again tonight, and we find out if we can come up with any more uses for that vibrating rubber chicken of yours….”

    Linda A-Z

    P.S. – Candy Crush is for amateurs. If you really want to feel like your completely pissing your entire life away, try Bejeweled Blitz.

  9. 

    Great to see you again! Missed the sarcasm and wit. I tried Candy Crush once and got annoyed at Level 1 so hit delete. Now I laugh at people addicted to it because for some reason I think I’m more mature than them. Then I go and launch ‘Sailboat Championship’ and ‘Flick Golf’ and think how incredible I am.

    Everyone has their own addictions and there’s nothing we can do about it :-)

  10. 

    You rang?
    Triscuits and cat food, what a gag! Like smile you’re on candid camera with a twist. A twisted twist. Glad you could break away from Candy Crush for a moment.

  11. 

    I went to a CVS one Friday night before a GI test. I bought citrate of magnesia and two fleet enemas. The clerk bagged them, handed me the bag and said in a very perky voice “Have a nice weekend!” Then she realized precisely what I would be doing all weekend, put her hand over her mouth and started stammering. “you do the same,” I responded with a chuckle… I can still see her face….

    Welcome back! I’m doing NaNoWriMo. Or I signed up for it. But I have already given up. Writing crap does not inspire me one little bit.

    • 

      Sigh. Gone are the days when I used to buy the Magnum-sized box of condoms for the weekend. Now it’s all enemas and arthritis cream. Did I mention that getting old sucks, Elyse? (hope your GI test went as well as it could go…)

    • 

      That poor cashier, she probably still thinks about that day, Elyse. I admire you for even TRYING NaNoWriMo. I just don’t have the stomach for it. I get too nervous when I feel obligated to crank something out.

  12. 

    I was just playing Candy Crush Saga when your post popped up. Pretty much the only thing that could tear me away from that goddamned game.

    Oh, I have plenty of twisted ideas. I even wrote a post about it once, but it’s buried deep in the dusty archives. Maybe I’ll publish it now, you’ve inspired me. In one I’m buying a huge box of lice treatment and pink eye drops, then scratching my head and rubbing my eyes while I slowly count out my pennies to the clerk.

    • 

      You are so kind, my Luscious Vixen. And I truly love that idea, rubbing your eyes and scratching your head while counting out the pennies. Lice and pink eye for all! Please do the world a good deed and dig that one out of the archives, will you?

      I’ve added another obsession besides Candy Crush, actually: Farm Heroes. NOT to be confused with Farmville, which I will never, ever play. Farm Heroes is more like a Candy Crush sort of thing. But with little carrots, onions, apples and strawberries.

  13. 

    My favorite .. going through the checkout line on Halloween with a big bag of apples and a dozen boxes of razor blades.

  14. 

    I’ve never played Candy Crush, I’m scared to because I know it’s the type of game I would get addicted to. I wrote a blog post about a year ago called “Five things I would like to do to a stranger”, they’re not quite as twisted as your things, but I’ve copied and pasted the five things here for you to save you having to hunt down my post (you would have hunted down the post right?) –

    1) Run into a shop and ask someone who works there what year it is. When they reply, throw my arms in the air and shriek “Eureka! It worked!”. Then run out again.

    2) If a stranger stops to ask me something (the time, directions, whatever), look at them wide-eyed and then whisper “You mean you can see me?”.

    3) Go to a cash machine and withdraw a load of cash from my account, then turn round to the next person in line and excitedly wave the money at them shouting “I won! I won!”.

    4) Go to a fast food drive through window, one where you go right to a window to order, not one where you talk at a box. Start trying to give my order without opening my car window. However much the person keeps gesturing or shouting for me to open my window, just keep looking confused, putting my hand to my ear, and mouthing the words “I can’t hear you”.

    5) If ever I’m in a restaurant where someone at another table has a dish that the waiter sets light to at the table, rush over with a glass of water shouting “It’s ok, I’ve got it!

  15. 

    I read the Home Depot one, and I immediately thought, “DO IT! You’d be my hero.” Then I read the “I don’t have any cats” one, and I realized you already are my hero.

  16. 

    Meh. Cat food’s good eatin’. My granny never complained.

  17. 

    Weebs! What a surprise! Maybe I ought to stay away from Candy Crush. I’m trying to get my act in gear to write a book. BTW, what ever happened to that thing you were going to write about Robert Cornelius? Always a pleasure to see a post from you.
    Cathy

  18. 

    The next time I have to go to a meeting at work I plan on dipping my dong on the ham spread, letting out a refreshing AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH and then looking at looking at my co-workers and issuing out a “What?”.

  19. 

    I would make tuna cassarole with cat food and see if anyone noticed–I bet they wouldn’t. I think you are just twisted enough–and you make me laugh–which is a good thing!

    • 

      You and I share the same twisted gene, clearly. It’s funny that you mention this, LouAnn, because that was one of the things that came to mind after I posted this morning: hosting a party and serving a casserole, and leaving many empty cans of cat food open on the counter next to the other cooking things obviously used for the casserole. It would be fun to see the expressions on people’s faces, no??

  20. 

    There are times when I’m out and about in habit when it’s tempting to pretend to phone someone and then say loud enough to be over-heard that I went on a date the previous night and that the sex was just awful…

    However there is a danger of that getting back to people who wouldn’t understand the joke, so I wouldn’t actually do that. I have been known to swear while in habit, but not while anyone who would have been offended was in ear-shot.

    • 

      You NEED to visit the US so you can do that phone conversation gag over here, Lou, free of worry that it would get back to the sisters. I would pay good money to watch that.

      • 

        The other thing I would love to do while in habit is take through the checkout a huge pile of condoms, and perhaps a tube or two of lube…

        Am I evil? Perhaps. Although if I actually did buy any condoms, I’d donate them to the foodbank, because I’m guessing birth control is something that is kind of vital when you’re pressed for cash.

        • 

          To quote Carrie Rubin above, you are one twisted sister. I think it’s fucking awesome. It is an honor and a privilege to know you.

          And you’re probably right about the condoms, people in need probably can’t afford them. Those things ain’t cheap.

          • 

            There are places which do give out condoms for free here in the UK, but it is usually to teens rather than slightly older couples. And when you can’t afford to put money on the gas & electric meters, you stay in bed. It’s a known phenomena here that 9 months after a power cut in an area, there will be a minor baby boom.

  21. 

    I would totally do some of these.
    Buying cosplay supplies often gets similarly worried looks — there are only so many times you can acquire handcuffs (and co-own them with a friend), corsets, men’s shirts etc before people start asking questions. And it doesn’t help that they ask me if I’m a drama student and I say NO and then have to try and explain… sigh.
    Not to mention discussing murder tactics in public because it’s related to a novel and have people think I’m serious.

  22. 

    Once on a 3am Home Depot trip, I had a very animated conversation with a salesgirl in power tools about
    – Which chainsaws would go through flesh and bone with the least splatter
    – Which freezers would be best for storing the bodies as far as
    a – how small they’d have to be cut
    b – odor blocking
    c – how long they’d insulate if the power went out.

  23. 

    Welcome back – I missed you! Your ideas are deliciously twisted (probably not literally, in the case of the cat food paté, but I won’t knock it ’til I’ve tried it).

  24. 

    Hey Weebly…I missed you! All of my twisted ideas go into my stories. If I were to attempt ANY of them, I would be arrested or put into an asylum for the criminally insane. :-P

  25. 

    Um, pretending you have a person inside your trunk? That’s pretty twisted, sister. (Sorry, couldn’t resist the 80’s hairband reference.)

  26. 

    Dexter has ruined the purchasing of plastic drop sheets for more people…

  27. 

    A friend of mine was sitting in the audience at a play last month, and fell asleep in his seat. Until one of the cast up on stage says something like, “Will it be alright Daddy?” At which point my pal wakes up and YELLS at the stage.. ” Yes, YES! Everything! Everything will be alright!”

    Then as the entire 300+ crowd stares at him (a few giggles, a bit of outrage and angry mutters). he tried to vanish into his seat/ the ground. Unfortunately he was too large.

    yeah, okay, that’s not twisted, really.
    But I’d say it HURT.
    Made me laugh anyhow (in a callous and indifferent manner, of course)

  28. 

    I was volunteering at a high school function around April Fools day this past year. Most of the stuff I heard was really immature and just not real funny. But, there was one that really caught my ear. This kid said all you need canned chicken noodle soup, an old timey hot water bag/pouch and a couple of spoons. The idea was to fill the pouch with the chicken noodle soup, place it under your shirt and head off to one of your least favorite restaurants, with a friend. In the middle of dinner act as if you will be sick, squeezing out the soup on your table. After this you and your buddy take out your spoons and dig in. Gross, but I think you might get some reactions.

  29. 

    Playing Candy Crush while watching tv? La dolce vita. I love the idea of trying to freak out the cashier. I’d buy a copy of Playgirl, saran wrap, smoked salmon and pantyhose.

  30. 

    Keeping the straight face is the most challenging – glad you did it! I wish I could have seen it :D.

  31. 

    Madame Weebles,
    You already know how twisted I am…..and I’ve been quite twisted up about it.
    Mark

  32. 

    I guess when we aren’t feeling the whole writing deal, we are at home thinking and doing very similar things, except I play Pet Rescue Saga instead of Candy Crush. It helps me feel like I’m doing something good, if you know what I mean.

  33. 
    Fish Out of Water November 13, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    You’re a more prolific writer than I. Not saying much, but what are you gonna do? Last night I bought a gallon of almond milk, hair dye, and cat food. I wish I could say that was weird for me, but it’s not. Have I ever mentioned that I lurves you?

  34. 

    Thank God you’re back. I was starting to get the shakes.
    I don’t think any of those ideas are twisted. The other night I got hungry, walked to the shop at 11pm, bought a tin of beans, a Coke, and some bread. Then I went home, consumed none of it, did 5 minutes of singing along to Dolly Parton on YouTube, and went to bed.

  35. 

    This is what I love about you, Weebs. You are, indeed, twisted. I can assure you that you are. I’m with you, who are these crazy blogging fanatics? Ha ha. I can’t keep up, man. Good to see you back here.

  36. 

    I have to tell you, I have some twisted ideas like this that come to me on a regular basis, and it’s really extra bad, because I work in a medical clinic, and I constantly come up with fun tricks to play on people and weird things to say, but I can’t really say any of them.

    • 

      What a shame. Any examples of things you’d *like* to say that you’d care to share here?? I’m dying to know some of them.

      • 

        Let me get back to you on that. This is an example…yesterday a patient asked me about a refill on his medication. He got all anxious and said “the little blue pill”. I was all “OH WHICH PILL IS THAT?”, he mumbled “Viagra”. I really could’ve taken it further and said “OH VIAGRA, WHICH ONE IS THAT AGAIN?” or done something else like said “oh that boner pill?” or started suppressing a giggle or… but really that’s an obvious one. There’s WAY MORE weird and subtle things that cross my mind all the time…I will try to give you an example later.

  37. 

    Glad to have you wobbling around again. Never enough twisted. (Add to that Home Depot list? A chainsaw and several jugs of carpet cleaner? And, roll over one of those big barbeque grills to the register, too….duck when around the security cameras….that guy last week didn’t.)

  38. 

    I LOVE the idea of bringing a weird combo platter of items to a cashier to see if he or she notices, mainly because I accidentally do this all the time and the reactions are pretty great. The other day I swung by the supermarket on the way home from work and purchased kale and three pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. The cashier couldn’t help herself as she completely cracked up and muttered “Well, at least you’re consistent.” Fair enough my friend, fair enough.

    • 

      I would have been torn between laughing and smacking her. Fair enough, but I’d still have been tempted to smack her. I wonder what she’d do if you purchased a more titillating combo. Maybe a bunch of carrots, some large cucumbers, and some Crisco.

  39. 

    MWs – Please do the grocery store thing. Ask the cashier if relish or mustard goes better with Chicken gravy fancy feast.

  40. 

    Totally twisted in a T double-E double-R double-R double-I double-F double-I double C, C, Cool ass sort of way!!

  41. 

    Home Depot doesn’t have limes. You’ll have to fulfill your shopping list at a Target or WalMart or someplace like that. It might cost more, but think of the gas you’ll save not having to get things from multiple locations.
    What? I haven’t thought about anything like that before…

  42. 

    Good god, it took 3 days to scroll to the bottom of your comments. That being said, your twists are rather endearing.

  43. 

    Fear not, Weebs, you are still twisting in fine form! And Nano Poblano is also brilliant. :) Good to see you posting!

  44. 

    I plan to follow a stranger around WalMart and spray everything they touch with disinfectant.

  45. 

    Welcome back! That last one about the cat food is classic. I used to talk with a friend about something absurd when we were in elevators. I’m sure people used to just get out as soon as it stopped even if it wasn’t their floor!

    Cheers!

    • 

      Hi Nigel! I have to pay you a visit, it’s been way to long since I’ve been at your blog. It’s an art form, being able to ad lib good conversations to unnerve people in elevators. Good on you, sir.

  46. 

    There is nothing like a loud phone conversation. My other favourite is loudly emphasising words in a conversation. I was doing it today actually on a coach full of my school and another school. Lets just say, the other school did not know what to think about me when they got off!

    • 

      Well done, Bennie. Were the words you emphasized dirty words, or words that would grab people’s attention in particular? Juicy details, please.

      • 

        I find a mixture of rude words and odd words is the best combination for a bus. My favourite is mixing relations like ‘aunt’ with stuff like ‘got herps from…’ to have the best effect. Although, I always find it so hard not to look at everyone else’s face when you’ve just loudly said- “So I said to my auntie…..that can’t be a mole, it has got to be herpes and….I’ll never look at that again!”

  47. 

    I work with a bunch of gossipy harpies so I regularly have these sorts of fictional conversations just so I can keep them occupied.

    • 

      Hello Aussa, and welcome! It’s always such a treat, working with gossipy harpies, isn’t it. Any examples of good fictional conversation you care to share?

      • 

        Oh man– talking about “the baby” is a favorite. There’s no ring on my left hand so that’s the sort of thing they like to gobble up. I also like to talk about traveling overseas because they tend to think that I am some sort of secret agent. Or a terrorist.

  48. 

    At Home Depot you forgot the wood chipper. — I love the real life guy who did that. Man has fight with flight attendent wife. Next day wife is gone, supposedly a trip as she is a flight attendent. Next morning the nanny notices some of the bedroom carpet is missing?? Months later when the wife has never returned they check his credit cards and discover he had bought a chest freezer and rented a wood chipper (hmmmm, note-to-self, don’t use your credit card.) He was also seen, on the bridge, over the river, with the wood chipper, in the middle of the night, in a snow storm (snow plow guy saw him, and offered assistance – eeeewwww)

    • 

      I always enjoy your visits, Kathleen. Especially when you offer up stories like this. Sweet Jesus, that man is evil. And also stupid for using his credit card. Did he learn nothing from watching cop shows??

  49. 

    I’ve always wanted to fake my own death…there is no joke here…and welcome back; I’d almost started to miss you.

  50. 

    Hello, lovely Weebs! As for item #2 on your list? My son and his friend did something similar once — going into a 24 hour CVS pharmacy at 3am and purchasing trash bags, rope, bleach, duct tape and rubber gloves. Said there was no reaction whatsoever… the cashier just wanted to get back to Candy Crush.

    The new “circle of life”? i dunno…

    Like you, i’m in the ‘blog when moved’ phase – but i’m trying like hell to catch up on the reading and THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE PROLIFIC AS HELL! It’s taking me a long time to get there, but it helps to have a saturday night when you are getting shitfaced drunk at home and have no serious plans for Sunday!

    • 

      Hello darling!

      To be fair, I understand the desire to get back to Candy Crush. Still, it’s a disappointing reaction. Thanks a lot, CVS. And seriously, what’s with all these people posting all the time? How dare they be so prolific, without asking us first?

  51. 

    That IS twisted indeed. But because you’re my bestie and I love you madly, you are forgiven.

  52. 

    I’d love to see the home depot idea put into action.
    Well, I have a couple of ideas, but this actually happened. Last friday I was in Lisbon with a friend, he’s shorter and smaller than me, we were finishing out dinner and he said something silly, my reaction was to slap him (which is totally normal). But I said: “Bitch! That’s no way of talking to your man!” *slap*
    I said quietly, but the couple next to us noticed it, and the girl felt the need to recomfort my friend lol
    Which was very sweet of her, my friend slapped me back, then the girl realized it was all joke.

  53. 

    I’m reading it 8 days later

  54. 

    Bahahahahaha. I wish I could have seen the cat man’s face, too. That is amazing. I think I’ll add this to my list of creepy things to do in public.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

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