Winging it

I started this blog in February 2012. I didn’t have any real vision for this thing, I just wanted to start writing again. As time went on I tried out a few different approaches but none of them took. So I decided to wing it. It’s worked out pretty well. I tend to wing it with most things in life, come to think of it, so why not here?

See, I don’t have a “hook” or a consistent theme like a lot of other bloggers have. I don’t have kids. I haven’t experienced many serious life challenges or traumas (and I know I’m very lucky). I’m not an artist or poet or fiction writer. So it’s just me winging it and writing about whatever. I’m not complaining, mind you; Fear No Weebles has become an eclectic, eccentric mix of Fuck You posts, Hot Dead People, ranting, activism, history, satire, paranormal stuff, and other random shit. I dig it.

As you can see, I also gave the blog a makeover. I wanted a darker, haunted house-ish sort of vibe. I considered a brighter, happier vibe with a cute theme but then I remembered that I’m not Mary Fucking Sunshine.

This is what I think of Little Miss Sunshine.

 
So here we are. As usual, my thanks to this guy for his help in getting my blog sorted out, and as always, my heartfelt thanks to all of you for visiting time and time again.

Coming Soon:  A Hot Dead Extravaganza!

Search terms: WTF edition

I’ve got to switch things up around here.  My recent posts have been sentimental and/or introspective and frankly, I’m starting to annoy myself.  It’s time to break away from all that thoughtful shit and bust out a new batch of search terms.  For a refresher on the other mind-boggling search terms that bring people to my blog, please click here and here.

First, the newest members of my I Hate Alex Trebek club:
why is alex trebek such an insufferable prick
why does alex trebek think he’s hot shit
i fucking hate trebek
alex trebek isn’t a nice guy

I wish I didn’t like Jeopardy! as a game because I have such a hard time watching it with that smug bastard hosting.  I yell at the television at least once per episode, usually more:  “Fuck you, you little douche!”  “Shut up!  Stop talking!”  “Ass!”

What is WITH these people??
weebles boobs
weebles rack
weeble porn
weeble butt plug

Based on the disturbing popularity of these sorts of terms, I’m going to create a new literature genre: Weeblerotica.  There’s obviously an unmet need here.  A very twisted, baffling, unmet need.

Not quite the right URL, sorry:
heynicerack.com
loveyourtits.wordpress.com

If only I had thought of either of these for the name of my blog.  I could have been Madame Boobs.  Both of these domains are available, by the way.  I checked.

Some pressing questions that require answers:
can cats carry demons
Yes, but only if the demons are very small.   Cats can’t handle a big saddle.  Also, cats are pretty lazy.

what do i do i’m scared of weebles
Did they not read the title of this blog?  FEAR NO WEEBLES.

can i touch up my hair and raid it the same day
I suppose so, if you have a lot of bugs in your hair and you don’t mind that bug spray smell.  But you know, you may have more important concerns than your hair.  Just saying.

i wore pantyhose for halloween, now i can’t stop
I find this one particularly curious.  Is this person now addicted to pantyhose?  How does this happen?  What was their Halloween costume, anyway?

you see another brother in christ and you get nauseous
Whoa, is that any way to talk about a brother in Christ?  Let he who is without nausea-inducing qualities cast the first stone, dude.

Um, what?
prepare to fuck a new woman every day … but first read through our policies below

What the hell kind of organization is this?  I’m going to need to see these policies of theirs.  And is there a division for those who might wish to fuck a new man every day?

Variations on Fuck You:
fuck you american style
i fuck people like you in prison

Yes, well.  “American style” could mean so many things…  And although I’ve never been to prison, I watched Oz, so I know what’s up.  But if someone says, “I fuck people like you in prison,” does it mean that you’re a tasty piece or does it mean that you’re an obnoxious jerk who needs to become someone’s bitch?  It could go either way.

So many weevils, so many idiots:
how to make sure weebles aren’t in your food
what happens when you swallow a weeble
what to do if spaghetti has weebles in it

You mean like this? I usually just pick them out and lick off the sauce. It’s really no biggie.

If I had a dime for each search term where they obviously mean weevils and not Weebles, I’d be writing this post from my yacht on the Riviera.

My personal favorite:
geddy lee madame weebles in bed

Geddy, is that you????  Don’t be shy, baby.  Email me.

More search terms that would make great band names:
picturesque vagina
barricading the cheese
big pubes little dick
pantyhose ascendant
precocious tits
subway penis
dead marshmallow

Where’s Weebs? The big reveal

First, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who donated to Movember—between the US and Canadian teams, we raised more than $1,500! And an equally big THANK YOU to everyone who participated by growing a ‘stache, writing a Movember blog post, reblogging or tweeting Movember posts, etc.  It was a magnificent effort by all (and no, Le Clown, I’m not paying you royalties for using your word).

And thank you to everyone who participated in the Where’s Weebs? challenge.  I’ve had a lot of fun with this and hope you did too.

To refresh your memory, here were the ten photos you had to choose from:

And here’s how you guessed:

Number 1:   4 guesses
Number 2:   1 guess
Number 3:   3 guesses
Number 4:   8 guesses
Number 5:   3 guesses
Number 6:   2 guesses
Number 7:   1 guess
Number 8:   1 guess
Number 9:   9 guesses
Number 10:  2 guesses

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

But first, here’s a bunny.

Just a few more seconds…

Wait, I forgot to show you this photo of a baby elephant.  Isn’t he the CUTEST???

All righty, here we go now.

Sorry, those are kittens.  My bad.

Okay, this time I mean it.  Wait for it…

Yeah, I’m #5.

Apparently this is not what you were expecting, because only three of you picked photo #5.  I know, I know, you’re thinking, “What the fuck, Weebs?  You’re smiling for the camera?!”  Yeah, I know.  But I had just brushed my teeth and I wanted to show off.

Hearty congratulations to the winners: Mike, John the Aussie, and Cathy.  Well done!  Each of you will receive a Weeble of your very own!

I suspect more people might have guessed correctly if I had posted this photo instead:

And as I promised, I’m also posting a photo of me with a mustache.  I have to admit, it does make me look quite dashing and really enhances my look. I’m just not sure I’m ready for the responsibility of having a mustache on a full-time basis.  It’s a lot to work and a lot of upkeep.  So I might just continue to go clean-shaven.

And now that you’ve seen not one, not two, but THREE photos of me, chances are excellent that you’ll never see another.  Because as you know, I hate the whole photo thing.  This was a great experience, for a great cause, and I don’t regret it.  But I’m going to go breathe into a paper bag now.

Seriously??

The turnout for the Where’s Weebs challenge has been very low so far.  I am ensaddened by this.

I understand that it’s entirely possible that you’re overwhelmed by the extreme beauty of my photo.  It’s like looking at the sun, I know.  So dazzling.  Or, it’s entirely possible that you are so sickened by my photo that you haven’t stopped vomiting since yesterday.

But suck it up.  It’s for a good cause.  Wear dark sunglasses or chug Pepto if you must.  And no donation amount is too great or too small.

Also, if you’ve already donated to Movember, even if not for this challenge, I’ll let you play.  Because I’m a good sport that way.  And because I think it’s wonderful that you donated.

Go here now.  I’ll keep nagging if I have to.  You don’t want that, trust me.

Movember Challenge: Where’s Weebs???

The idea for this challenge came from the ingenious mind of Honie Briggs.  Thank you, Honie!

Below are photos of ten women.  Nine of them are my beautiful friends.  One of them is me, the camera-averse Madame Weebles.  Your challenge:  Figure out Where’s Weebs?

You’ll notice these are all black & white photos and I’ve cropped out details like hair, etc.  I’ve also stripped each photo of EXIF and all other metadata, in case you were thinking about trying to get some clues that way.  But to give you a sporting chance, here are some hints to help you out:  I’m white, and I sometimes wear glasses.  Sometimes.  So I may or may not be wearing them in my photo.

Each donation you make to the Bloggers to Movember team will buy you a chance to guess which one is me.  Put your cursor over each photo for the hovertext number to use in your guess.  You can enter up to three guesses, but you’ll need to make a donation for each guess.  It’s only fair!

If you’re in the United States, click here to donate.  If you’re in Canada, click here to donate.  When you fill out your donation form, please leave a note with your blogger name and include “Where’s Weebs” so I know who you are.

Le Clown set the bar pretty high; he’s already more than halfway to his goal of $1000 in donations.  I, too, would like to get $1000 in donations for our team, but I’m pretty easy (just ask Mr. Weebles).  Any amount I can raise for this worthy cause will be wonderful.

Of all the correct guesses, I’ll choose one winner at random.  If you win, not only will you get eternal bragging rights, but you will also get A WEEBLE OF YOUR VERY OWN, from my vast collection.

Please enter your guesses below.  You have until November 30th.  Let the games begin!

Weeble Storm Warning

We interrupt our regular blogging to bring you this special bulletin:

Frankenstorm/Storm of the Century/Stormageddon will be hitting the NYC area tomorrow night and into Tuesday.  Until it hits, I’m going to be spending a lot of time shopping for tiny little life vests for all my Weebles.  Because Weebles wobble but they sink like a stone.

There’s a nearly 100% chance that I’ll be without power for at least 24 hours after the storm hits, and I’m already going into Internet withdrawal just thinking about it.

To everyone living in the path of this little weather phenomenon, stay safe!

Next month is MOVEMBER

Next month is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month.  But it’s a boring name and isn’t especially inspiring.  So a few years ago some clever guys came up with a fundraising campaign called “Movember,” which encourages men to grow mustaches during the month of November to help raise awareness about prostate cancer and other men’s health issues.  (But I really think it should have been called BROvember.)

This is Cupcake, one of the Weeblettes. Cupcake is ready for her Movember closeup. Are you?

So our very own Le Clown is spearheading a new and magnificent project, Bloggers for Movember.   I’m working with him, for several reasons:

1. As you know, Mr. Weebles kicked that cancer bitch to the curb TWICE.  So of course I’m all in favor of raising awareness about cancer in general.
2. I’m quite fond of men in general and I’d like you fellers to be healthy and happy.
3. I can grow an impressive mustache.
4. Le Clown threatened me again.  He sent me a beheaded Weeble.  I think he’s serious this time.

No comments here today—but to get further details and learn how you can participate in Bloggers for Movember, please head on over to Le Clown’s place to read today’s post.  Join us!  It’s for an extremely worthwhile cause.

Search terms: Insane Weebles edition

Since my last post on search terms, another crop of nutjobs has been hard at work trying to get the 411 on some deeply strange subjects.  Many are Weeble-related search terms so I’m grouping them according to Category of Weirdness.

In the “It’s Weevils, Not Weebles, You Pinheads” Category:
how to get rid of weebles
weeble spray
weeble bug killer
weeble bugs in flour

So this means that people truly don’t know the difference between bugs that infest flour and/or cotton crops, and small toys that wobble but don’t fall down.  I weep for humanity.

In the “Sweet Fancy Moses, What Is WRONG With You!?” Category:
pictures of sleeping weebles
weeble torture
weebles never spill the blood of christ
weebles dying under the skin of a horse
chick masturbates with weebles

Who ARE these people???  Sleeping Weebles?  Weeble torture?  What the fuck??  Are they aware that Weebles aren’t actually living creatures?  “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” baffles me because I’m not sure how that’s possible.  I’ve been to Mass, and the eucharistic ministers were pretty good but they had hands with opposable thumbs.  How would Weebles be able to manage NOT to spill the blood of Christ?  Then we have Weebles dying under the skin of a horse.  I’m not sure if I feel sadder for the Weebles or the horse.  How do Weebles get under the skin of a horse, anyway?  What sick bastard put them there, and why?

And the chick who masturbates with Weebles.  Where do I begin?  Obviously she’s running the risk of getting Weebles lodged in some unusual places.  This is not an easy thing to explain to one’s ob/gyn.  Also, for the love of all that is good and decent, I hope she doesn’t let her kids play with those particular Weebles.

If these searches continue, I’m going to establish the ASPCW (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Weebles).  Because this is just wrong.

Now for the more random search terms:

redneck elevator
I think this would be a great name for a Japanese punk band.  Aside from that, I’m in favor of redneck-only elevators—this way the rest of us don’t have to be trapped with them.

if your vagina is as big as my hand
I’m curious.  Does this person have really tiny hands or freakishly large, acromegaly-type hands?

good day for a regatta if i was a douche
I’ll bet plenty of douches do, in fact, enjoy regattas.  I love this line because it can be adapted for use in so many situations:  “It would be a good day to talk at the top of lungs on my cell phone if I was a douche,”  “It would be a good day to wear Axe Body Spray if I was a douche,” and so on.

this is a law office we don’t use comic sans
I kind of like the idea of lawyers who use Comic Sans.  You know they wouldn’t take themselves too seriously.  They might not even really have law degrees.

america because fuck you
This should replace E pluribus unum as our official U.S. motto.

The obligatory search term post

I’ve held off on posting about this because until recently, the search terms that bring people to my blog haven’t been all that funny.  But now I have a pretty decent crop to share with you.  None of them are dirty or really demented, though.  That disappoints me.  Obviously I’ll have to increase the naughty content here to get some good keywords for next time.

I’ve cut & pasted these directly from the stats page, no editing.  Thanks, crazy Internet people!

what is the psychic word for weebles
I think it’s “Veebles.”

whats is the metaphiscal word for weebles
Wow.  I would like to peer inside this person’s head to see what prompted this question.

what does it mean when everytime u see a weeble in yur house u think of a person
This puzzles me on many levels.  What’s with the Weebles in their house?  The way the question is phrased, it almost sounds like this person sees them unexpectedly.  Do they just show up?  Because I think that would disturb me more than anything else.  Also, what person do they think of when they see the Weeble?  Is it always the same person?  Or is it just someone at random?  And do they always see the same Weeble?  I have so many questions.

how long can you be nice to someone you hate
My personal best is about five minutes.

men with massive legs
Really?  Massive legs?  Hey, whatever floats your boat.

trust no man, fear no chicks
This feels like it should be the slogan for a modern-day He-Man Woman Haters Club (you get bonus points if you know what this is without Googling it).

he is my kryptonite and like superman, i am powerless in his wake
I’m going to need to see a photo of this guy.

i think a dead guy is hot
Join the club, honey.

does alex trebek know urdu
My guess is no.  But if he does, then I’m going to need to learn how to say “patronizing fucktard” in Urdu.

why are reiki practitioners so flakey
Because we’re made with many delicious layers of butter and puff pastry.  Also, fuck you.

Weebles Poetry Slam #2!

Before we start with the festivities, I’d like to wish all my Canadian friends a happy Canada Day weekend.  Enjoy!

And now, it’s time for our next Weebles Poetry Slam!  For those of you who have joined us since our last event, here’s a recap of the highlights of that evening.

This time around I’d like to open it up to everyone, not just the Weebles.  Everyone is invited to participate and share a poem.  All submissions are welcome—freeform, limerick, couplet, doublet, sonnet, haiku, anything you like. It can be silly, serious, or somewhere in between. Doesn’t matter. Just bring it.

I’ll start us off:

Mary had a little lamb
Then she had a little ham
Followed by a little jam
And then she had cramps.

Now it’s your turn!