I still got nothing. This is a recurring theme. It vexes me.
So why don’t I just pour some coffee and tea for everyone and we’ll have a nice chat, shall we? The cookies will be out of the oven shortly.
Since I have nothing interesting to say, I’ll tell you a bunch of uninteresting things. So if you’re already bored, I urge you to click away from this page now. It’s only going to go downhill from here.
For starters, I think Hurricane Isaac is a dick for hitting the New Orleans area. Come on, dude, haven’t the people in the Gulf suffered enough?? And Hurricane Katrina hit on August 29, 2005—-nice 7th anniversary gift, asshole.
Ah, there’s the buzzer, the cookies are done. I’ve made a few different kinds. Chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, and maple prune. Those last ones were an experiment but they don’t look very appealing. I’d give those a pass if I were you. Careful, they’re heavy.
The other day I heard “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys for the first time in a while. I really don’t like that song. This is the best you could do as a tribute to your hometown, dude? Because if so, your best sucks. As a native New Yorker, I’m offended. I could make a recording of subway trains coming to a screeching halt, with Joe Pesci’s voice dubbed in, and it would still sound nicer than that song. I want the ghost of Frank Sinatra to come down and kick the shit out of Jay-Z for writing that earsore.
Would you like coffee or tea? Personally, I like my cup of coffee the way I like my men: strong, hot, and bottomless.
Now where was I? Right. Rambling aimlessly.
You know what I’d really love to do? I’d really love to have my own old-fashioned ice cream parlor and soda fountain. With tin ceilings, marble countertops, wrought-iron fixtures, and the type of soda fountain they used to have in pharmacies back in the day. Like these:
Except I’d have much more comfortable tables and chairs. And I would serve fancy ice cream sundaes, sodas, phosphates, and all kinds of other wacky concoctions. But I’d add a bakery section too. This way if you’d rather have cookies, pastries, or cake (hi Sandee!), or if you want ice cream and cake (and who doesn’t??), you can have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. I think that would be nice. A nice 19th-century-style confection emporium. But to give it a little twist, the staff would all be dressed like saucy Victorian whores. Including the men.
More coffee? More tea? No? You suddenly don’t feel well and have to go home immediately? Oh, what a shame. You didn’t try those maple prune things, did you? That’s a relief. Why don’t you stop by tomorrow? Oh, you’ll be busy. Okay. How about Saturday? I see. That’s so nice of your dentist to be open on the weekend. Good luck with those root canals. Want me to come over on Sunday to see how you’re doing after the dental work? A silent retreat at your church after Mass, how interesting. Isn’t that funny, I thought you were Jewish. My mistake.
Well anyway, it was great to visit with you, we’ll have to do this again soon!