But first, Happy Pearl Harbor Day! I might have forgotten were it not for Sandylikeabeach, who observed that yesterday was Pearl Harbor Day Eve. So thanks, Sandy! Yes, it was 71 years ago today that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor and facilitated America’s entry into WWII. It wasn’t a good day. Nor were the 828 days of war before December 7th, nor were the 1,347 days after it. War sucks.
And this is a good segue to the subject of today’s post: my Christmas list. I would like world peace, but that seems to be a pretty tall order. Santa’s good, but he’s not a miracle worker. I’ll have to be more realistic. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
- A Tesla death ray to eradicate the idiot tourists in Manhattan. I will not rest until New York is free of loud, intelligence-free, giant map-wielding visitors who have not mastered the art of walking in a straight line. They’re a plague. Like locusts, except dumber. I’d almost rather deal with the aliens from Cloverfield than maneuver around some dipstick trying to take a photo of the tree at Rockefeller Center without any people in the way.
- The ability to summon a perfect cup of coffee from the ether by clapping my hands. I realize this could pose a problem when I’m at an event where applause is involved. But I’m willing to take that risk.
- A magic middle finger. You have now seen a photo of me flipping the bird—it comes quite naturally to me. I want to be able to give the finger to people and things and have them automatically behave themselves. How cool would that be? Next time I encounter a douchebag yattering away on his cell phone, I can just strike the pose and he’ll magically shut the fuck up. Car alarm wailing in the middle of the night? No problem—I’ll just stick my middle finger out the window and presto: sweet silence. Nasty bitch giving me attitude? I’ll flip her off and she’ll feel compelled to apologize. As a bonus, she’ll spontaneously gain ten pounds.
- A calorie vaporizer. We’ve sent probes to Mars and the far reaches of the solar system. The Hubble telescope has revealed images of galaxies billions of light years away. We have programs that allow me to hold my phone up to the speakers to identify a song I don’t know. If we can do cool stuff like that, then surely we can invent something that will zap the calories in a piece of chocolate cake while leaving the cake intact. What the fuck is all this technology for, if not to better our lives??
- This guy. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Madame Weebles, Robert Cornelius has been dead for 119 years.” That’s true. However, if we can build Tesla death rays, vaporize calories, neutralize idiots with our middle fingers, and conjure coffee out of thin air, then I can’t see why bringing someone back from the dead should be a big deal. But listen, I don’t want to be unreasonable. Santa Claus has enough on his plate. If it’s too difficult to get Robert Cornelius, I’d be overjoyed to receive this guy as a gift instead.
Now I need to know what to get for all you guys. Kindly tell me what’s on your list and I’ll go shopping this weekend.