Pharmaceutical companies continually seek to develop new, more effective treatments for diseases of all kinds. But there is an enormous unmet need for the treatment of stupidity, one of the major pandemics of our time. Millions of people worldwide live with this devastating disorder; it affects the patients themselves, but more tragically, it causes untold pain and suffering among those exposed to second-hand stupidity.
I’ve seen many too innocent souls fall victim to this terrible plague. You don’t read about them in the papers and they don’t get coverage on CNN. But they’re out there. You’ve seen them. The guy with the thousand-yard stare waiting on line at the supermarket while the customer at the register argues about expired coupons. Your twitchy co-worker at a meeting, listening to someone ask a question that was answered not five minutes earlier. The poor bastard on the phone with customer service. So much needless agony.
But now, finally, there’s hope.
Today the FDA announced the approval of an exciting first-in-class medication that may improve the quality of life for patients, their families, neighbors, and co-workers. NO-DUH, which goes by the generic name imbecillin, is indicated for the temporary relief of the major symptoms of stupidity, including:
- Inability to comprehend simple instructions and directions
- Inability to navigate stairways, escalators, elevators, sidewalks, subway stations, airports, supermarket aisles, ATM lines, and other public areas without blocking traffic and causing maddening delays
- Lack of even the most basic common sense
- General incompetence
In the pivotal trial TWITS (Targeting Widespread Idiocy and Total Stupidity), imbecillin was evaluated in 2,030 patients recruited from a wide range of venues, including slow lanes, highway bottlenecks, redneck bars, and John Mayer concerts. The drug was found to be superior in reducing the symptoms of stupidity vs yelling, “What the fuck is wrong with you???”
A second clinical trial, KILLME (Keep Idiot Losers Locked Away From ME), was conducted to assess the effect of imbecillin on the quality of life of those exposed to stupidity on a daily basis. Investigators discovered that imbecillin reduced the amount of eye rolling, loud sighing, teeth gnashing, obscene gestures, and honking vs placebo or vodka.
NO-DUH comes in an aerosol mist formulation that can be inhaled by the patient or administered to patients as a topical spray by caregivers or bystanders.
A spokesman for MentalTech Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturers of NO-DUH, reported that pre-approval orders for the product numbered well into the millions. The forecast for Q2 earnings for MentalTech is anticipated to be in the trillions of dollars.