Steve Jobs still innovating from beyond with his new iTombs Burial System

June 19, 2012 — 76 Comments

The genius of the late Steve Jobs knows no bounds. Not even death.

Bereft and rudderless after the departure of their beloved leader from this mortal coil, Apple hired a group of psychics to channel messages from their founder.  They recruited some of America’s finest mediums, sparing no expense to visit New Age communities, storefront psychic parlors, and carnivals across the country in order to identify the very best of the best.

Almost immediately upon her arrival at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, Lady Zuba, a crystal ball reader selected for this elite task force, picked up vibrations from an otherworldly source. She began to sketch furiously, frantically trying to keep up with the visions she received. Another member of the panel, Miss Lucretia, a clairaudient, started hearing the voice of Jobs and transcribed all that she heard. The following is an excerpt from that session:

“I am proud to announce the next generation in interment technology: the iTombs Burial System. The timeless, sleek lines of the iCoffin and the compact design of the iUrn are like nothing the world has ever seen before. Perfect for those who want something truly cutting-edge for their eternal rest. The iTombs Burial System also features the iTombs app, which allows loved ones to text messages to the deceased and send virtual flowers for special occasions (special data rates may apply). The iCoffin and iUrn will be equipped with special 5G technology capable of receiving signals through up to 8 feet of burial ground and mausoleum walls 6 inches thick. iTombs will finally bring death into the 21st century.”

An eerie hush fell over the room as representatives from Apple’s senior management listened to Miss Lucretia’s message. Shortly afterwards, Lady Zuba unveiled her drawings. There was a collective gasp from the crowd.

Lisa Garcia, one of Apple’s corporate officers, shook her head and marveled at the ongoing brilliance of her departed friend and mentor. “He’s done it again. That magnificent bastard,” she said wistfully, wiping away a tear.

The iCoffin and iUrn can be customized to any specification, for bodies of all shapes and sizes. Both products will come in black, white, and titanium, and will be available for purchase from Apple retailers and funeral parlors.

The release of the iTombs Burial System has sparked a veritable frenzy, as hundreds of thousands of Apple aficionados across the United States are already standing in line to purchase the first iCoffins and iUrns, which are due to hit the showrooms next week.  iPads and iPhones are out in full force as the crowds gleefully tweet, blog, email, and text about their excitement while listening to their iPods. Some die-hard users are even using their iPhones to call friends to talk in real time.

Enthusiasm for the new iTombs products is raging across age groups young and old. Dorothy Baker, an 83-year-old from Tulsa, Oklahoma, is ecstatic about the new line of coffins. “My husband thinks a pine box is fine, but I want to make sure I can keep up with what my grandkids are doing.”  Todd Marc Phyffer, a 20-year-old street musician from Portland, Oregon, texted, “I may die tomorrow, brah, who knows. If I have an iUrn, people can still ping me.”

Funeral directors also hail iTombs as a major step foward for their industry—as well as their social lives. Larry Tinsworthy, a mortician in Oak Park, Illinois, eagerly anticipates the surge in business. “Everyone will want an iCoffin. Maybe now I’ll get laid.”

The iTombs Burial System will go on sale nationwide next week, with worldwide sales beginning the following week. iTombs2 is already in development.

76 responses to Steve Jobs still innovating from beyond with his new iTombs Burial System


    Let’s hope we’re on iTombs 783 before I kick it.



    With second sight like that, Lady Zuba must be using an iBall.



    ah hahahah Pretty funny!



    This is brilliant and hilarious — could that be possible?! I’m carried completely through this piece without laboring — the words work so well and each sentence is entertaining and the idea is fresh. .



    This is why I am now, and forever will be, a P.C.



    Good commentary as these people flock to buy this stuff even if they have no clue what they are used for. I am starting the iDon’tneedit Society.



    You’re too much, Weebles, you really are.
    iThink this is clever and hilarious–and iDon’t give away accolades like that every day.



    Brilliant! You and Mr. Jobs.



    I can’t wait to see what kind of App comes out of this line of products.



    But don’t you have to be able to access Apple’s Cloud to get this to work?



    Nice work. You and Mike is Happy, Relatively should start an afterlife blog.



    I think you need to register these names real quick – itombs is gonna be a big seller!



    Too awesome, Madame! One hopes that Mr. Jobs will find peace in the sleep of iTernity.






    Hahahaha! Lol! This is way too funny! Steve Jobs has nothing on you, Mad Weebs. I think you’re a genius.

    Btw, I read this in my car and had one of those goofy looks plastered on my face the whole time – much to the delight of the passersby. haha!


    the howler and me June 19, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    absolutely genius!



    The creepiest thing about this is it could actually be true one day. Very brilliant of you to come up with the concept. I saw a show last year where a guy wanted to make a small device that doctors could implant in peoples’ heads right behind their eyes so we wouldn’t have to worry about those blasted cell phones. You just click a little button discreetly behind your ear, underneath your skin — convenient huh? Great post, MW. :).



    (I meant implant behind the ears….). :).



    I believe MS is working on the cheaper PineBox, CardboardBox, and NoBox. The latter solution involves simply slinging whatever’s left of the unfortunate in a hole. Of course, if your virus software isn’t up to date, you be destined for DLL hell.




    Where do I buy it? iSpooky Store?



    Nice review. I’m waiting for iTombs2 so I can bother others about whether I want it or not.



    Damn girl, you funny.

    I’ll wait for the knockoff from Canal Street. I’ll be dead, so all the extra lead and melamine won’t bother me.



    I liked this so much that I read it out loud to Peter – the email version. Then I thought…can’t wait to see the comments! I was not disappointed! You definitely have a knack for stimulating lively conversation. Have you ever considered starting a salon (not the hairstyling kind)? Oh yes, and I especially like the little buttons on the iCoffin and iUrn. Your attention to detail is immaculate! 🙂 – Cathy



    gonna be a lot of oxygen tanks and motorized scooters camping outside the apple store.



    I think I’ll wait for the newer model to come out. I hear that one has an inch more space and will only cost $200 more dollars.



    This is fucking hysterical. Sign me up. Except I want to be cremated. Do you know when Apple will release version 1.0 of the i-Urn? I’m so in.



    iSnort. especially because i’ve seen Todd Mark on the streets of Portland. He wears really skinny jeans and has ironic facial hair. (that’s “hair” – singular).



    I wonder if Steve Jobs had anything to do with Apple’s decision to cut ties with Google…it could be a bad one



    So… when the wheel-thingy locks-up (like it sometimes does on my iPod) does the iOwner get stuck in i-Limbo?!



    Very entertaining post.
    The willingness to embrace the rantings of a small medium, in a large way (sorry, I couldn’t resist), seems uttterly ridiculous to me. Now, I do believe in the afterlife, but I for one would be _pissed_ if someone DARED interupt my eternal bliss with an email or a txt msg, and I would do my best to haunt them in return.
    As for her method of alleged “communication,” I have to say, “iDoubt It.”



    I’m glad I got to read this post. You know, before Apple sues the pants off of you and steals your idea.
    I myself am going to go with the Urndroid model when it’s available.



    I hear that iTomb Air will be only four-inches thin. Truly a comfort unlike any other!



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