Yes, this post is about what you think it’s about. It’s about boobs. Cans. Hooters. Melons. Jugs. Sweater meat.
My friends, I am not a flat-chested woman. I’m packing heat. I’ve wintered well. My cups overfloweth. Mind you, I’m not complaining. It comes in handy quite often. I’ve got a built-in popcorn catcher. And it’s a convenient place to keep a tissue or money when I have no pockets available.
There are, however, some drawbacks. The most annoying being unsolicited comments from representatives of the XY chromosome pairing.
I started getting comments and catcalls when I was a teenager. Now that I’m in my 40s I don’t get as many but it still happens occasionally. And it’s not like I’m pulling a Sue Ellen Mischke, walking around wearing just a bra. I can wear the baggiest of sweaters and some slack-jawed idiot will still zero in on my chest.
Do I find it icky when guys make lewd comments? Ewww, yes. Do I think it’s sexist and degrading? Fuck yeah. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fantasized about launching asshole-seeking missiles at these knuckle draggers.
But my other feeling is, if you’re going to make a sleazy remark, you should put some thought into it. Make it memorable. Pithy. Because I’ve heard a lot of really lame stuff. Loud kissy noises, a variety of animal-type grunts, many yells of “Woooooooo yeah!!!!” or words to that effect. Once a guy came up real close to me, gaped at my torso and said, “BIG ONES!!” in a voice that sounded eerily like that of Cheech Marin. And for international flavor, I’ve gotten a lot of “Ayyyyyyy mami!!!”
Come on, fellas. Don’t phone it in with a disgusting noise or a wolf whistle or something juvenile like that. Those are all really played out. You can do better.
I’m not saying you should doff your hat and proclaim, “My dear lady, your mammaries are quite bountiful and luxurious indeed. Good day to you!” But if you’re going to be a douche, at least make an effort not to be a stupid douche.
The best line I ever heard was when I was about 17 or 18. Anyone remember those t-shirts sold by Haagen-Dazs back in the glory days of the 80s? They had the H-D logo on the front and an ice cream flavor on the back. I had one (mine said Coffee). One day when I was wearing it, I was walking down the street and saw a guy ahead of me leaning against a parked car. I had a feeling he was going to be a problem. I just looked straight ahead and hoped he would leave me alone. He didn’t. As I passed him, he said, “Haagen-Dazs, huh?? Nice scoops you got there, honey!”
Now that was clever. Respect, bro.