As many of you know, I’ve heard dead people. So I’m thinking of turning this into a full-time gig, complete with fortune-telling. I figure as a psychic reader I can really work the wild curly hair thing and wear outlandish, exotic, low-cut outfits that show off the girls. Plus, with “Madame Weebles” I’ve already got a good name for this shtick.
The problem is, a lot of the traditional tools used for fortune-telling are pretty old. It’s about time we updated some of these divining methods to be more in keeping with our modern lifestyle.
Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice pot of tea brewed with loose leaves. I’m sure tea leaves make all sorts of interesting shapes and patterns in the bottom of a person’s cup. But if you can predict a person’s future by reading tea leaves, surely you can do the same thing by reading formations in bath salts. Bath salts are so much more au courant than tea leaves these days.
The crystal ball is a beautiful creation—a shiny, smooth, hypnotic sphere. But it’s a bitch to keep polished and smudge-free. And it’s heavy. Ever drop one of those fuckers? It’s a great way to fracture your foot. And I don’t even want to think about what would happen if it cracked or chipped—or shattered, God forbid. If breaking a mirror is bad luck, can you imagine what kind of terrible juju is in store for someone who damages a crystal ball? So why take that risk when there’s an app for that?
Tarot cards have been around for centuries, but they’re so cool that I don’t want to update them. If I were to modernize card readings, though, I would use baseball cards: “You have drawn A-Rod’s rookie card. This signifies that you will be successful and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams, but you will also be a pathetic head case with no soul. Everyone will hate you.”
Now all I have to do is cultivate some sort of vague, non-specific European-sounding accent and I’m good to go. At least I think so. Am I missing anything?