I plan on having a new “Fuck you” post every Friday, but this post had to be postponed from last Friday because of the blogging duel. So better late than never.
This is a post mainly for the ladies, although there may be some male readers who have had first-hand experience with pantyhose. That’s cool, I don’t judge. But if you’re not one of those gentlemen, this post will probably be of little interest. So for your enjoyment, I offer this classic:
And now for today’s “Fuck You.”
I loathe you, pantyhose. You come in only two sizes: Elephant Leg and Death Grip. They both suck ass. You have no redeeming features. NONE. You’re hot and sweaty, even in the winter. You haven’t the slightest idea how to fit. You pinch, bind, constrict, sag, bunch, and twist up inexplicably . . . why don’t you just jam bamboo strips under my fingernails, you hateful little shit?
And you know the worst thing about you, you stupid hose? You’re weak and pathetic. I can put on a brand-new pair of you and you start to run immediately. I might be able to distract you briefly with a dab of clear nail polish, but invariably you freak out and run somewhere else. Sometimes you spontaneously form giant holes just for funsies. Thanks for wasting my money, you fucking losers. I lost count of how many mornings you made me late for work, how many times you caused me to curse uncontrollably, how many times I wanted to rip you into shreds, set you on fire, and dump your ashes in that mystery liquid on the subway tracks.
Here’s how much you suck: criminals wear you over their heads so people can’t tell what they look like. So you’re either directly causing harm by inflicting massive discomfort and misery when we wear you, or you’re indirectly causing harm by aiding and abetting felons. Good job, assholes.
You’re proof that if there is a God, he’s definitely male. Because a female God would never have allowed you to exist. You are to humans what Windows is to PC users—we hate you, but we use you because we don’t have many alternatives. I pray for the day when women everywhere realize how horrific you are and decide to banish you from the face of the earth. You deserve it. You’ve enraged us long enough.
Fuck you, you odious pieces of nylon. Fuck you a lot.
Fear No Weebles 
I fucking love this…alot!
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Fucking A, kayjai, thanks!
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they truly are the most uncomfortable piece of shits…that is why I only wear pants.. no nonsense my ass
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ps– Benny Hill is fecking hilarious
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Isn’t he?? I’m surprised more people haven’t commented on the Benny Hill, actually.
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( i have had the theme song in my head all day)
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WORD. I don’t remember the last time I wore pantyhose, or even a dress. Actually, I think the last time I wore a dress was at my wedding. And I didn’t wear pantyhose then either.
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As a guy, I too hate panty hose.
Too much work to get off.
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That’s why you’re supposed to carry those tiny scissors from kindergarten.
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So THAT’S why people carry those around.
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You mean too much work to get off yourself, or off a lucky lady? You’re right either way, I’m just curious…
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Um…what’s the appropriate response to this…it was…oh yeah – I PLEAD THE FIFTH!!!
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Apparently they are good for cleaning with… but I hate that too! Jen
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I’ve heard that, Jen. I’ve never tried it, but it seems like it would be unwieldy somehow. Bah.
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You’re not meant to wear them! Although a bit of bum scrubbing on the shower soap scum may be fun to perhaps some Santana!
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The mystery of why we, as a human society, cannot create pantyhose that doesn’t run remains. I mean, we can watch an endless number of cat videos that stream miraculously to little phones that we carry around with us, but we can’t make pantyhose that you can wear more than once?? I share the outrage.
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Preach it Karen!! Yes! We can stream cat videos to our phones and land a rover on Mars, and yet we still can’t manufacture decent, durable pantyhose. Our technology sucks.
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The only thing pantyhose are good for…removing deodorant marks from that black top you *just* put on.
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I did not know this. I learned something today!!
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Here, let me put the wife on….
Hi, wife here – I completely agree and sympathise – after travelling a fair distance to attend a friends wedding I realised I’d left my specially purchased for the event stockings at home. I managed to wrangle some kidfree time the morning of the wedding to go purchase another pair only to have them run before I could get completely dressed. To add to the disaster I discover I hadn’t grabbed the twin pack I thought I grabbed and thus had to subject the poor wedding guests to my ghastly white legs that haven’t seen the light of day all winter
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Hello Mrs. Aussie!! Believe me, I feel your pain. I think those pantyhose run on purpose, to be honest. Just to fuck with us. I’m sorry for your wedding experience, I hope you’ve recovered. Thanks for visiting!
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My favorite is when the crotch insists they belong where teenage males where their crotch. Its a bugger when they are hanging lower than the hem of your skirt.
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Oops I meant wear not where.
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Right?? When the crotch is hovering around your knees, you know there’s something wrong, Wanda.
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YES! YES! YES! However, spider-web black tights and fishnets with Doc Martin boots rock.
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Spiderweb tights and fishnets are kickass, absolutely, Rutabaga. But I put those in a different category than pantyhose, which are beastly.
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Pantyhose suck….it’s insane to pretend ones legs look ‘perfect’….
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I agree with you Weebles. I find them very uncomfotable when I knock over liquor stores. Next time I’m gonna go with the Nixon mask.
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Good choice, Mike. Just because you’re committing a crime doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be comfortable.
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Although I sympathize, thus feel your pain – I’ve never worn them.
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You’re not missing anything, Frank. Ask your wife. She’ll tell you.
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Sounds to me as though you are describing congressmen and senators.
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Good one, Carl!
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You know what? You’re right, Carl.
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hahaha! I noticed while riding the Tube in London that most women don’t even wear pantyhose, even in the dead of winter. They just rock the bare leg, imperfections and all. Throw those pumps on and you’re good to go. Perhaps we should follow their lead? I’m game, Weebs, you in?
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I’m in, Grippy. Let’s do this.
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This is where most people don’t realize the marketing craze in the 20’s that told everybody they must buy particular items, that have now become necessities…those little bastards are still profiting. We can learn a lot from those Europeans.
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Good one, Weebs. In the summer, I don’t wear hose. In the winter, I wear tights. At least they don’t run. My problem is: with a 34 in inseam, getting them to fit where the crotch doesn’t hang half-way down my thighs is the trick. Pantyhose were definitely not made for long-legged women.
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Wow, you’re a tall drink of water, Cathy! Tights are infinitely better than hose. But I have the same problem as you with hose and I’m 5’7″, it’s not even like I’m all that tall. My feeling is that pantyhose weren’t constructed for people who want any sort of comfort or proper fit. Meh.
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I’m 5’9″ but all legs. Meh is right. But here’s a question for you, Madame Historian. I wonder when pantyhose were invented? I’m thinking they came out around the time of the miniskirt because garters and stockings just didn’t work with short skirts. No they’re not designed for comfort or to fit anyone and for me, living in a semi-arid climate and washing my hands all day as a bodyworker, I have never been able to put them on without snagging from some hangnail or something. Double Meh.
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Nevermind, V is already on it. And I was right!
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I cannot remember the last time I wore panty-hose. I wear those black opaque hose in the winter if I wear a dress or skirt, but panty-hose? Shudder. I remember L’eggs, the ones that came in eggs. They sucked too. They all sucked, but they do make one’s legs look smoother. Nah, I’m with Grippy. I’m just going to rock my imperfections.
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Oh, I remember L’eggs, B. They might have been the worst offenders. But I did like those little plastic eggs.
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Ben-ny Hill! Ben-ny Hill! Aww I miss that great man.
Sorry, what was this post about again?
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Benny Hill has a way of doing that to people, doesn’t he. He was a funny guy. So naughty.
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I wear them when out running in the winter.
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I just pictured you running in pantyhose and heels and I don’t even know what you look like haha.
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I have a pair of orange and black striped ones – don’t wear high heels though – not quite reached that level of confusion on my gender yet. As to looks – think a cross of George Clooney and Mickey Rooney with sadly Mickey in the ascendant.
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Of course you mean a ginger George Clooney, yes?
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Sadly more a salt and pepper Mickey Rooney
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GOOD CALL. Seriously, fuck all hosiery. It gives me high blood pressure because of every reason you’ve said, and it makes me feel kind of claustrophobic. Also, having to put on pantyhose in front of a man is just like….yikes. I was surprised he even wanted to still be with me after that. There was a whole lot of jumping and then the result is that it goes up to my boobs all Urkel style (and if it doesn’t–muffin top).
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Fuck yeah, La La. There is nothing unsexier than putting on pantyhose. Truly. And I’m familiar with that Urkel look. It’s really not alluring. At all.
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Men don’t like them, either. They tend to get in the way.
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That pesky fabric — who needs it??
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I haven’t worn nylons in years. I don’t work in an office and rarely go anywhere that dress attire is expected. I said fuck you to hose years ago and I don’t regret it in the least. 🙂
P.S. Love surroundedbyimbeciles comment.
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SBI speaks truth, Wendy. And good on you for saying Fuck You to pantyhose. More people need to be brave and take a stand.
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Thankfully I haven’t worn any in years and years. I’m one of these ‘old folk’ who wear… wait for it… yep, socks! 😉
By the way… you might want to read this, if this is gonna be a series… http://en.support.wordpress.com/mature-content/
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Yes, it is… I got mrs weebles post in my email and just had a thought… I’d hate for one of my fave bloggers to get less attention than she deserves. 🙂
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Thanks Val!
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Socks will always be in style, Val! And thanks for the info on the mature content. I never think of my stuff as potentially being rated as mature. I suppose posts with F-words all over the title and posts might qualify, though, so I guess I should look at this…
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This is why I have a Mac. A.k.a. Pants.
I have maybe 6 pairs of nylons, tights and other monstrosities hiding in my sock drawer. As a woman of tallish stature, I always struggled with “dropped crotch” syndrome. Nothin’ like a gusset around your knees to bring the hotties running.
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Sara, let’s bond over dropped crotch, shall we?
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I know, right? The gusset, the knock-kneed walk, and the look of pained exasperation… the mens can’t get enough of that.
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Man you are fecking funny
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Why thank you Mr. Ruston! Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I really enjoy your platypus Gravatar.
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Yes it is good, I nicked it from somewhere, no platypus stranger 😀
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I think I may have last worn pantyhose 30 years ago when I was still 2% bisexual. I’m short but I recall the dropped crotch syndrome Sara and Wanda B describes. Possibly it was pantyhose, that horrible misogynist, that turned me 100% lesbian.
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Pantyhose were obviously invented by some sort of sick misogynist freak. I’m not sure how ALL women haven’t been turned 100% lesbian by that shit.
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Also, they were invented by the male of the species:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantyhose
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Oh I haven’t worn pantyhose since the ’80s. I say, burn ’em. Along with my bra, it’s not doing its job anymore either.
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Since the 80s?? Well done, sister. I gotta keep on wearing the bra, but I salute you.
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Pantyhose: one of the things I gave up for Lent years ago. Right about the time I gave up caring if my legs were tan enough to expose. When pantyhose first came out, they were great because we could then wear our mini-skirts without having to tug them to cover the garters at the tops of our nylons, so we could sort of get away with wearing those minis to school. Looonnnngggg time ago! xoM
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I can see how they would be a pleasant departure from the nylon-garter combo, especially with mini-skirts. But aside from that, NO upside at all, and I don’t blame you for giving them up for Lent. I should have thought of that myself. Maybe for next Easter.
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Make a list! xoM
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Windows and PC users – perfect analogy. I can feel myself getting uncomfortable just thinking about those freaking hose. Can’t wait for your next FU post.
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Thank you so much! It was the first analogy I thought of. It seemed to be pretty apt. And yeah, it’s hard NOT to feel uncomfortable thinking about those wretched hose, isn’t it?
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Oh, yes–behind you all the way. I can’t stand being confined in any manner, and that includes pantyhose and Spanx. This is why I only wore pants to work. Can’t remember the last time I’ve worn pantyhose. I feel bad for those women in jobs where they’re expected to wear skirts and can’t go bare-legged.
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Ughhh. Spanx. I too feel bad for women who can’t get away with wearing pants or skirts without pantyhose for work. Not to mention the fact that it’s kind of sexist and should be illegal!
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No doubt!
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I was kind of hoping you’d avoid the ‘aiding and abetting’ angle, Madame…
because I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about that…
er… um…
you know…
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The cops asked me if I saw anything, Sig. I kept my mouth shut. Your secret is safe with me.
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I wonder…if Apple designed pantyhose, would we wait in line to buy them? I’m with the black tights in winter and bare legs in summer crowd, but bare feet in pumps is a blister waiting to happen so then you go on the hunt for little toe-covering socklettes. They exist! They are amazing.
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HA! iHose. They’d be just as obnoxious as any other Apple product, I suspect. And twice as expensive as any other pantyhose. I must search for those socklettes, they sound like a dream come true. Because you’re right, bare feet in high heels is a nightmare. Thanks for the tip, JM!
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Pantyhose come from a land where hamburgers are served without ketchup and Satan roams the streets uninhibited.
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YES YES YES! They need to be banished to the hell from whence they came. So true, Lyssapants.
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I used to kind of love pantyhose after starting off with nylons and garters (yeah, yeah, I’m really 110 years old). But I haven’t worn them in years, and only keep a pair on hand for when I wear a dress to a funeral. You’ve heard the saying, “being on the hot seat.” One of my girlfriends was being reamed out by the boss in his office one day. She sweated buckets and said her pantyhose literally disintegrated under her ass. Who knew?
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YIKES!!!! I never heard of hose that actually disintegrated, Maddie. That’s disgusting. But as I mentioned to Margarita above, I can see how they’d be nice after wrestling with nylons and garters for so long. Until you realize how they present their own special brand of misery.
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Having testicles, the greatest excuse not to wear tight fitting clothing. Now I can’t stop thinking about balls poking through tight see-through pantyhose.
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And now thanks to you, I can’t stop thinking about them either. You’ll pay for this.
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This is why I don’t wear pantyhose or pants for that matter.
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I knew I liked you.
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The -pantyhose are to humans as Microsoft is to PC users thing- …. BURN! I laughed in an audible manner at this post and enjoyed it thoroughly. I only hope I am not found out and thus fired for WordPressing at work.
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Oh dear…I hope that at the time of this writing, you are still gainfully employed, Becca. Also, welcome!!! I’m very glad you’re here.
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Pantyhose are the 8th deadly sin.. I have not put those fucking things on my legs in over 20 years and I cringe at all the L’eggs I used to have bobbling around in my dresser.. I shudder..
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The L’eggs! hahaha!
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You remember those.. High dollar hose they were..:-)
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I’m with you, Lynne. Oy, L’eggs. I liked the plastic eggs, but aside from that, they were really crappy hose. I still remember taking a pair out of the egg once and the hose snagged on a jagged piece of the plastic edge of the egg half, and yup, they ran. Fuckers.
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Fuck You posts………What a great concept! Loving it and so fucking hating pantyhose.
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Hi Lorre! There is much fodder out there for Fuck you posts, and sometimes it just needs to be said. Fuck pantyhose.
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I’ve never had a problem with them – you just have to shave your legs and then put some gel deodorant on your legs before you put them on, and… um….
Anyone see that blowout this weekend?
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Wait, I was supposed to shave my legs before putting them on? Oh. That might explain a few things…
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No idea. Nothing to see here – move along! I suppose you could shave the hair through the hose. Give yourself two shinhawks. That would be cool.
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I have some for the occasions that demand them, but they are pathetic. Tights are better, but can still be a pain when nature calls.
Unfortunately I’m not one of those women who can wear pumps with bare feet. Can you say massive pain? So it means finding some of those footies that won’t peek out from the shoes—not an easy task.
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I know what you mean, JM. Tights aren’t bad but still a drag at times. But they’re better than sustaining massive blisters from wearing heels with bare feet, that’s for damned sure.
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The only thing worse is footies! They rumble, slip, and usually show…and get those holes in the toe.
Have to suffer stupid hose with pumps.(love that line “rip you into shreds, set you on fire, and dump your ashes in that mystery liquid on the subway tracks.”
Vote for tights or tall boots.
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Thanks, philosophermouse! I’m fond of that line myself. Tights or tall boots, indeed. If I could work that thigh-high boot look, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
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Me, I go for the (unintentionally) rolled down knee-hi’s so that I can remember and resemble generations of women past and passed.
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It’s a classic look, Elyse. I applaud your nod to the fashions of yesteryear.
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It’s all the rage where I’ll be tomorrow. The nursing home.
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Are we telling all sheer, stretchy leg wear to fuck off here, or do tights squeak by on the allowable? I have to admit I have a soft spot for them. Eliminates leg shaving in the winter! Keeps your lady parts off the metro seats! Filters your camera when you forget a lens! Why, I can think of a thousand uses.
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Hi Eva! I am all in favor of tights. Somehow they don’t cause the same anxiety and rage that pantyhose do. And as you said, they have many benefits. Unlike pantyhose, which have none.
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i learned that skipping panty hose was perfectly ok after a business trip to Phoenix in August. the women wore long, billowy skirts and flats. probably had little fans running up there to cool the equipment.
fuck pantyhose, indeed. and let’s not even talk about Spanx, and the waistline-to-the-nipples rig that NEVER stays put, and pops under the ol’ bellyfat like a rubber band when you’re in the middle of a presentation.
hypothetically speaking, of course.
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Of course it’s all hypothetical. You hear tell of things like this happening to people, that’s all. I can’t imagine anyone in Phoenix (or anywhere in the southwestern US for that matter) subjecting themselves to hosiery of any kind. Or Spanx. Those garments should be abolished. Do you see the guys at Gitmo wearing this shit? No. Why should we be less comfy than detainees?
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A brilliantly timed post, Madame. I was just thinking of branching out from my tedious wardrobe, but now I think I’ll stay with the common-all-garden socks and trousers look. It’ll probably work out better on the weird looks from co-workers front too.
Glad to see you back 🙂
Cheers!
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Hi Nigel!! I’m so glad to see you!! How’s the fast draft coming along? Yes, I heartily recommend that you avoid wearing pantyhose. Especially in Texas. For so many reasons.
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The first 40k was a breeze, then I started to get pains in my wrists and fingers. So the last 10k has taken 2 weeks. Next time I’m going to middle-of-the-road, just-below-the-speed-limit it. Either that of try a clip-on Vulcan mind probe.
I’d better go now, otherwise the overuse-of-hyphens mafia will be down on me like a ton-of-bricks.
You had lots of awesome posts, but Mr Weebles was a seriously good one for them to pick. You deserve a good deal of pressing (in the nicest possible sense, of course) 🙂
Cheers!
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Personally, I applaud your use of hyphens because you use them correctly. I hope your wrists recover from the typing frenzy, but well done on the 50K. And thank you, as always, for your kind words, Nigel. Looking forward to seeing you posting again soon!
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so…i was walking down the boardwalk in Ocean City MD this summer…95 degree day. woman walks by in shorts and pantyhose. Should I have called the men in the rubber truck????
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Yes, I think so, cooper. That was clearly a cry for help. I’m getting heat stroke just thinking about it.
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Pantyhose DO suck, but we need to remember that the coloured ones are really cool, plus without them how would we wear skirts in winter. It is annoying when they are too short though, or too baggy and sag around the crotch. Plus they look totally ridiculous. I have a bright pink pair that my bf tells me make my legs look like sausages. Hot, right?
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MEGA hot! I put colored tights in a different category than pantyhose, though. Tights aren’t as maddening as pantyhose.
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I once wrote a manual on panty hoses on my blog as well :). I haven’t been in so much trouble with them yet, but it could change anytime. Mostly I wear pants anyway…
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I’m going to have to check out that pantyhose post on your blog, NBI. Pants are easiest, no struggling or jumping up and down trying to wrestle with the hose.
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Plus: they are way easier to drive a bike with!!
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this made me laugh so hard i nearly wet my non-pantyhose wearing ass!
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Thanks! And I’m so pleased to know you’re not wearing pantyhose. They’re just evil.
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Marry me!
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Absolutely! As long as we can honeymoon somewhere that doesn’t require us to wear those awful hose, okay?
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I can’t tell you how many times Pantyhose have made me late for a Halloween party…and don’t get me started on high heels!
You made my morning …!
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Thank you sir! And believe me, I feel your pain about the heels and hose…
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Lucky for me, I haven’t had to wear pantyhose in a really long time. I do wear tights, but they’re at least made with lycra, so there’s some sturdiness built in (which is good, because I am hell on all delicate fabrics).
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I know what you mean, purplemary—it’s so easy to destroy pantyhose, at least tights are a little more durable. I don’t really wear hose or tights, though, it’s just easier that way.
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Haven’t worn ’em in years. But I was permanently turned off pantyhose in the early 80s when we had a flasher who used to hang around the university campus. Remember the coloured pantyhose in the 80s? His fashion choice was raspberry. All-sheer. Thanks for reminding me.
Though frankly, I laughed my ass off at the time, and it still makes me snicker. But hell yeah, I’ll join the chorus on this one: Fuck you, pantyhose!
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A flasher wearing all-sheer raspberry pantyhose. Now that’s not something you see every day. But here’s my question: how did he flash you if he was wearing pantyhose?
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Hence the “all-sheer”… as in, to the waist…
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I suppose I should have figured that out.
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How did I miss this post? Aiding and abetting criminals! Thankfully I rarely have reason to wear pantyhose, although that may be changing in the very near future.
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Is that good or bad, Lovely? The fact that you may have reason to wear them in the very near future, I mean. I hope it’s good!
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Testifying again—brilliant! How much do I love this post? Too much! Thanks for the laugh and for voicing what we all feel! I am now a Weebles follower!
Val
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You know the pain and agony of pantyhose as well, eh, Val? Join us. We’ll banish those fuckers one day. Welcome!!
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Hate. Hate. Pantyhose. Being barely over 5ft. tall – elephant leg (which made me.laugh.my.ass.off) was the Worst! Try to hitch them up all day, only to find the more you tug on them the more they stretch! and the more you tug on them, the more they rip!
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It’s enough to make you just want to put your fist through the material, isn’t it, Chica B?
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Yes!
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Didn’t women donate their nylons to the WWII effort for making parachutes? I can imagine no tears were shed for giving THAT up.
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You’re not kidding–I’d be much happier drawing seams up the backs of my legs than wearing nylons of any kind, tomahawk.
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M. Weebles, as it happens I can share your pain to some small degree. Although I do not wear pantyhose as a rule (I’m at once instance…so far), during my freshman year of college, events conspired so that I had to wear a pair for an evening. I’m not sure if it’s changed, but at that time the sizes ended at 6’0. My legs had all the charm of an overstuffed sausage.
That night I passed out in a puddle of my own sick. Of all the shameful situations in which I’ve had the misfortune to awaken, this one is likely paramount among them.
Ah, to be young again.
So I hear you about them panty-hose, sister!
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Oh, Smak, that soundslike good times. Now was it shameful because of the pantyhose, or for other reasons? They really do need to start sizing pantyhose better, for men who are over 6’0″. It’s discrimination, I tell you!!
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It was a complete cocktail of shame, in which the pantyhose and the vomit-bed were just ingredients.
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I think I’m going to enjoy these Fuck You Fridays. . . Keep ’em coming!
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Thanks Mo! I shall! And I’m open to suggestions if you think there’s anything in particular that needs fucking off.
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I just realized how that last comment sounds. Um, you know what I mean, right? 😀
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Hello, Mrs. American,
I was pointed to our blog via WP Freshly Pressed: Editors’ Picks for September 2012, liked the one and started reading other posts. Nice to read and very interesting points of view for me, being European.
Now to help you out of your pantyhose-problem I suggest to wear Wolford and you will never ever say a bad word against pantyhoses.
Trust me! Good luck & best wishes from Vienna.
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Sehr erfreut, Helga! I have heard good things about Wolford hose, I’ll have to try some. Thank you for the suggestion, and I hope you’ll visit my blog again!
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Love it!
I banned them from my wardrobe years ago and will not accept any occupation that requires me to wear them! On the cruiseships in the Caribbean they make the crew wear them…that was a deal breaker for my aspiring career, haha.
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I just took a quick peek at your blog for now (I will take a longer look later) and holy cow, you have an interesting life, lady. Sorry about the hose putting the kibosh on that particular career, but I think you made the right choice!!
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This is so god damn funny!! I hate pantyhose as much as I hate the fat that rolls over the top of them. I found a pair of thigh highs in Paris that were the most amazing, comfortable, and durable alternatives to pantyhose, bully for me I only bought one pair, and then there were none…
Just found your blog on a recommendation from Arty Old Bird, so glad I did…your fabulous!!
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Oy, don’t get me started on the overspill over the top of pantyhose. I tried thigh highs once, but they weren’t good ones, and they started sliding down my legs as I walked. Not an attractive look. I’m so glad you came to visit from Val’s blog–I hope you’ll visit again!
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