Since my last post on search terms, another crop of nutjobs has been hard at work trying to get the 411 on some deeply strange subjects. Many are Weeble-related search terms so I’m grouping them according to Category of Weirdness.
In the “It’s Weevils, Not Weebles, You Pinheads” Category:
how to get rid of weebles
weeble bug killer
weeble bugs in flour
So this means that people truly don’t know the difference between bugs that infest flour and/or cotton crops, and small toys that wobble but don’t fall down. I weep for humanity.
In the “Sweet Fancy Moses, What Is WRONG With You!?” Category:
pictures of sleeping weebles
weebles never spill the blood of christ
weebles dying under the skin of a horse
chick masturbates with weebles
Who ARE these people??? Sleeping Weebles? Weeble torture? What the fuck?? Are they aware that Weebles aren’t actually living creatures? “Weebles never spill the blood of Christ” baffles me because I’m not sure how that’s possible. I’ve been to Mass, and the eucharistic ministers were pretty good but they had hands with opposable thumbs. How would Weebles be able to manage NOT to spill the blood of Christ? Then we have Weebles dying under the skin of a horse. I’m not sure if I feel sadder for the Weebles or the horse. How do Weebles get under the skin of a horse, anyway? What sick bastard put them there, and why?
And the chick who masturbates with Weebles. Where do I begin? Obviously she’s running the risk of getting Weebles lodged in some unusual places. This is not an easy thing to explain to one’s ob/gyn. Also, for the love of all that is good and decent, I hope she doesn’t let her kids play with those particular Weebles.
If these searches continue, I’m going to establish the ASPCW (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Weebles). Because this is just wrong.
Now for the more random search terms:
I think this would be a great name for a Japanese punk band. Aside from that, I’m in favor of redneck-only elevators—this way the rest of us don’t have to be trapped with them.
if your vagina is as big as my hand
I’m curious. Does this person have really tiny hands or freakishly large, acromegaly-type hands?
good day for a regatta if i was a douche
I’ll bet plenty of douches do, in fact, enjoy regattas. I love this line because it can be adapted for use in so many situations: “It would be a good day to talk at the top of lungs on my cell phone if I was a douche,” “It would be a good day to wear Axe Body Spray if I was a douche,” and so on.
this is a law office we don’t use comic sans
I kind of like the idea of lawyers who use Comic Sans. You know they wouldn’t take themselves too seriously. They might not even really have law degrees.
america because fuck you
This should replace E pluribus unum as our official U.S. motto.