We’re number one! We’re number one!

October 13, 2012 — 160 Comments

Folks, as you know, I’ve written at length about some of the serious issues that plague America today.  Specifically, them and them.  They’re a big part of why people think we’re all fucking idiots.

And as a nation, we’re at a crossroads; we’re still a superpower but our place on the global stage has changed.  The rest of the world perceives us as the big bully in the playground.  We no longer have the street cred we once had.  Our economy is in the toilet and shows no signs of recovery.  There is much reason for Americans to be concerned about their future.

But buck up, little campers!  I want to remind you about some of the things that still make us the Greatest Country in the World.  Writing this post cheered me immensely and I know it will make your hearts swell with patriotic pride:

  • We are the world’s leading producers, consumers, and exporters of pornography.  FUCK YEAH!
  • Coca-Cola has reached more people worldwide than Jesus.  Now you think about that.  There are literally more Coke drinkers than Christians in the world.  What other country in history can claim THAT kind of power?
  • There are more UFO sightings reported in the United States each year than in any other country.  We may not be popular with the other Earthlings, but ET knows what’s up.
  • Say what you want about America, we still make a damn fine cigarette.  And as a bonus, our cancer sticks have more carcinogens than cigarettes from any other country!  That’s some serious potency.
  • Americans have more plastic surgery than anyone else.  Sure, the Brazilians are catching up with us, but I’m not worried.  I have faith that my people will continue to lead the world in body dysmorphia for many years to come.
  • Our ongoing commitment to making the world safe.  We kill for peace, bitches.

On a slightly less sardonic note:  With all due respect to our brethren in Canada and the UK, where satire is a national sport, Americans can skewer people like nobody’s business.  Sites like The Onion and The Oatmeal, shows like The Colbert Report and The Daily Show, and a lot of you guys, especially our very own Promethean Times…   I salute you, my sarcastic brothers and sisters!

So go forth, wear those American flag pins, and be proud.  We’re still number one.

160 responses to We’re number one! We’re number one!


    And Disney. Don’t forget that America brought the world Disney. And Miley Cyrus. Yay.


    Weebs, I love your wit and your sarcasm. BTW, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are shows we watch faithfully and laugh at gloriously. They make fun of everyone and everything’s fair game. If we can’t laugh at ourselves and the error of our ways, then what’s the point? Thank you for enlightening me on these facts about my country. Despite all that I’m proud (as I know you are) to be an American but know that we still need to learn a few things, eh? I love sarcasm and you my dear, are a true and Queen smartass. xxoo. If you knew me a bit better, you’d see I am too. ;).

    Change My Body...Change My Life October 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Thank you for the wave at Canada! But we don’t think ALL Americans are fucking idiots – just the ones in government and those who spent their days watching reality TV. You Madam Weebles are one of the reasons I love having the US as our poorly behaved little brother. You raise the bar dear lady.


      Why thank you, CMBCML–and we appreciate you guys being so tolerant of your little brother down here. We know you roll your eyes at us, but at least we can be funny sometimes.


      It’s folks like you that keep Canada from launching the bomb at you. Sort of like the Sodom and Gamora story…if you can find one worthy human there we will not turn the place into a pillar of salt. Thus far (surprisingly) there still a few creatures over there that count as human. But one more Honey Boo Boo and our technicians will be at work…creating a bomb that will clean the US off the map but leave Disney World and Palm Springs…Gotta have one warm place for us to get to!


        Duly noted, Wanda. I’m relieved that this post has helped give us a reprieve. Canada has been a lot more gracious towards us than we would probably be ourselves. Good call on saving some of the warmer spots, though, you’ll still need some sort of warm vacation destination.


    We are so awesome.


    hahaha! Our American trajectory for the future is looking really good. Future generations will no doubt be thanking us for all the care we’ve taken in securing a beautiful life for them. I think we can be proud of what we’ve accomplished here. Our work is clearly done.


      Grippy, I think we’ve done a fine job for the future of this great country. But it vexes me that Pepsi hasn’t gone as far as Coca-Cola. We’ll have to do something about this.


    Oh, and don’t forget how we managed to infiltrate so many other countries with our fast food joints. Spreading the adipose love around, one day at a time…


    Now I know for sure I am in the land of the living. I was worried yesterday, but today, today you’ve given me hope for a brighter tomorrow! I bow to you Madame. Grazie!! (Tour-ettes Italian) I took a photo with you in mind while in Italy last week. Look for it…hopefully sometime next week I’ll get my game face on and find it among the some 5000 photos I took on our trip! :)


      Hi Honie, welcome home! I hope your trip was great, seeing you here reminds me that I have to go to your blog and see what you wrote about it. I’m looking forward to seeing this photo you speak of–as well as all your other Italy photos. And I’m very glad you enjoyed this post!


    We are probably #1 at spending more than we collect.


    Ha ha – we have so much to be proud of. I can’t believe we beat Bangkok, Thailand with porno…. (the city name is even pornographic).


    Haha – LOL. You must me really proud…!


    You forgot to mention McDonald’s, which we were generous enough to share all over the world…


    Ah yes, but we’ve got The Daily Mash! Even The Onion can’t compete with that! ;)


    Thank you for the links to your previous posts. Certainly here in the UK it seems that the USA has some really good telly – but that’s because the UK only imports the good stuff and ignores the trash. I guess it’s easier to be selective about things when there’s a few hundreds of miles between you, right? And the USA certainly has some good points to it, which is worth remembering when the extremists start getting things wrong again.

    But… there’s a reason why the car stickers for the UK read GB and not UK. We’re also called Great Britain. Because, well, we’re GREAT. Even if we’re the only ones who think it these days. But without us having had our Empire, well, there wouldn’t be the USA, Australia, cricket (even if our former subjects regularly wipe the floor with us) and the drink of the gods, Gin & Tonic. Or the Commonwealth Games. Or possibly even Europe as we know it…


    I just had a conversation with a young artist about the difference between Europe, other places and the US. How we sell ourselves short by promoting a youth culture. We talked about this being a young country with an ideology inspired by people coming here with thinking of new beginnings, etc. So, here’s to more new beginnings and more new reality shows!


      Sigh. You’re absolutely right in that this country was founded upon the idea of new beginnings, but I hate how new beginnings are now equated with youth. As if all the people who ever did anythng worthwhile in this country were all in their 20s. Meh. Must be our Crone’s disease flaring up again, Sandee.


    I agree with you about American satirists – they go for the jugular. In many ways the likes of Jon Stewart have become an unofficial opposition to the the Republican/Democrat duopoly.

    As to UFOs, the fact that so many target the USA is a sign of American superiority in world affairs. You wouldn’t expect an extra-terrestrial to pay attention to just any pissant country, would you?


      I think a lot of people think of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert that way, Poet McG. I think we’d go bananas if they weren’t around to provide such a good foil. I suppose you’re right about the UFOs. But you guys have crop circles—if I were an alien, I’d be more interested in the crop circles, personally. Actually, are there crop circles in Scotland? Or are they all further south in England and Wales?


        Tongue firmly in cheek with the UFO bit. I love the crop circles because they display human artistic ingenuity on a grand scale. Anyone who believes in UFOs, or that they actually make crop circles, is away with the fairies. Crop circles are overwhelming found in the south of England, and their epicentre seems to be the West Country, probably because it has the right sort of cereal crops and landscape for the optimum effect.


          I sort of figured you were kidding with the UFO bit… Crop circles really are fascinating—the precision of the designs is impressive. And it’s not as if it’s easy to get a quick sense of how the work is progressing overall, so I respect how they plan it all out.


          And bored, unemployed locals with nothing better to do after the pub has kicked them out. Still, it’s good for tourism!


    You are not being grateful enough! I fear there may be repercussions.


    Ain’t no doubt I love this land. God bless the UUUUSSSSAAAAA! ::Stuffs funnel cake into face and watches fireworks::


    Yes! We are the best of the best (Madame!).


    Maybe the aliens just wanna pick up some human porn.


    I like you guys anyway–from that alien planet called Canada


    Don’t we also lead the world in obesity? Hells yeah!


      Oh hells yeah! I didn’t include that one or the fast food one because I figured they were pretty well-known ones, but on the other hand, they’re SO worth bragging about that I should have included them anyway.


    Yeah, I’m with Speaker. Surely, we must lead the world in consumption of partially hydrogenated oils….I just scarfed down a Hot Pocket and dinner’s only in an hour.


    Ahh..after reading the first two bullets I now understand where the ad campaign “Have a Coke and a smile!” came from. Pun thoroughly intended.


    Hey it is these reasons why the US is yup, the greatest. Nope hang on, these are just the reasons I moved here. Nope hang on…

    These are great, and I do love the Onion (some of the highlights are published in the books in the Uk).

    writerwendyreid October 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Proudly wear that red, white & blue Ms. Weebly….fuck yeah! :-)


    Man, I got nothing that can top any of these comments. Aliens coming after our porn is the best one to my mind! Oh well. Great post as always Madame W!


    The comments are almost as good as the post… have to take you up on the crop circles though – they’re found all over the world including South America, Australia and NZ. Whoever does them is a whizz at geometry…
    Don’t you get them in the US – do you lead the world in not having any crop circles????


      Mea culpa, Valerie, I didn’t know crop circles were in NZ too, or Australia for that matter. I knew about South America though, I just forgot. They really are impressive. I think we do have crop circle makers here too but it’s not as widespread a thing here. Maybe we’re too geometrically challenged to make crop circles.


    And Borowitz! Check out Andy Borowitz. Even funnier than The Onion. And I take exception with the gloom and doom on the economy. Undervalued real estate is selling like hot cakes here in Naperville, Il, the most quintessential of all American suburbs. Why my own house, purchased for more than $300,000 a mere seven years ago could sell in a matter of days for $245,000. Last year, it would have taken 90 days!


      Andy Borowitz is funny too, I forgot about him. But my bad, Janice, I didn’t realize the economy was taking off like that in your neck of the woods. Sweet! At this rate we’ll be the most prosperous country on earth by Christmas!


    Ohhhh so right about us Canadians failing with satire. We’re a little too soft sometimes and like to say “sorry” a lot. We’re not made for satire. But we try…check out some stuff from the fine Rick Mercer. He’s the best we’ve got!


    I know, we rock!! I can go about my day now. Thank you, Madame.


    I am surprised no one brought these things up during the debates. I feel like everyone is a little listless in the US, and you need a few reminders of why you’re so motherfucking awesome. I haven’t had a coke in years, but I am going to chug one tonight just for you, America. Weebs for president.


      You haven’t had a Coke in years??? That’s right, I forgot, you’re not American. You’re not compelled by law to consume empty calories like we are. Thanks, RG, for your support. It’s Canucks like you that make me so glad we’re neighbors.


    Thank you Madame for reminding me that there are more important things than me in this world.


    Another feather in the American cap is that we invented The Clapper for the light switch averse.


    ha satire a national sport in the UK, better believe it we breath sarcasm too


    and don’t forget, we’re NUMBER ONE, BITCHES at putting batter on things and frying them in MOTHERFUCKING OIL! from an oreo cookie to a dollar bill. we’ve done it. and we’ll eat it.


    Who would’ve known that the slightly insane love-child of my beloved UK would have so many…notable achievements to its name! USA, I salute you!


    I’m pretty sure coke is less dangerous than Jesus, from a historical point of view. I don’t think any wars (or crusades) have been fought over it.

    America? Fuck YEAH!


    Isn’t Number One also the name for Pee? I’m glad we’re not number two. And what is number three? Vomit?
    I heart the oatmeal with all my soul. And you.


    …and I thought WE did irony well….


    Hi Madame!

    I think all countries have just the same amounts of idiots and extremes as we have over here, it’s that we put them on TV more often that really gets us noticed. Check out the guy who died after a live cockroach eating contest.



    It’s nice to know we’re still good at something.


    Sorry … late to the party. Your portion of America is still that the campaign’s aren’t using … what’s up with that. Meanwhile, I’m drinking a true American wine – Zin! … we’ve mastered that one better than elsewhere. Plus I’m watching Castle … oh she’s smokin’ hot! … Oops … she’s Canadian and my TV is Korean. But our TV cabinet is American made with American wood. Cheers to The Onion!


    Hope you’re sitting down Weebs but there is one thing we Australians excel at even more than you! Yes, I know it’s hard to believe but… we have the highest carbon footprint – PER CAPITA – of any nation on earth. Lucky there’s only 20 odd million of us. Can you imagine how awesome we’d be with a few more million people?

    Impressive snark, by the way. :D


    I need sarcasm font. I would use it all the time. Then on the rare times I’m not being sarcastic, you could tell, because the font would be Comic Sans or something. Also, I want to marry Jon Stewart but I then I remember I have a husband and there might be a problem with that.


      Whoever can come up with a suitable sarcasm font would make a bazillion dollars, Alice. I would use it pretty much exclusively. And your husband is a buzzkill if he has a problem with you marrying Jon Stewart.


    Who needs math and science when we’ve got porn and obesity?


    Seriously, why would UFOs bother to visit anywhere besides the porniest place on earth?


      It’s true, Mike—I mean, after traveling however many light years to reach us, you know these aliens must have a lot of pent-up sexual energy. Where else would they go?

        heylookawriterfellow October 15, 2012 at 11:59 am

        Our porn industry may even be protecting us from a War of the Worlds-style attack.

        Where’s a Presidential Medal of Freedom when you need one?


    ‘We kill for peace, bitches.’ well said, and no one can deny that, Madame.

    And there being more Coke drinkers than Christians? Shame it does not come with doctrine. But imagine putting some hallucinogens inside it – THAT would be power!


    I don’t like the taste of Coke or Jesus. Am I even still American?


    How the fuck did you people beat us out of the porn game? We have a town here in Newfoundland called Dildo…I shit you not. Must be your massive….uh…….


    Hey, at least they started putting apples in happy meals. That’s a step in the right direction right?


    Where did you find those facts?! This just made my rainy day. Think I’ll go have a coke now….


      Hi Elisabeth! These facts were gathered from the far reaches of the Interweb. But they’re all true, yes indeed. Now go and enjoy that nice cold Coca-Cola like a good American.


    HOw far are we behind Turkey and Saudi Arabia in the white slavery race?


    An experience of nearly getting beaten up in a bar in South Korea through proximity to an American suggests you’re also #1 in forgetting that you’re in someone else’s country. I wouldn’t normally say something like that, but since the current Canadian government is striving mightily to make us the most universally reviled country in the Americas AND the northern hemisphere (we got your carbon footprint RIGHT HERE, Australia!), I figure there’s little I can say that will add to the problem.

    On which topic… is there any way we can hybridize Rick Mercer and Jon Stewart to make what should be easily electable as the Emperor of the English-Speaking Americas? I’m not quite as up on my mad science as I’d like.


      True, there are many Ugly Americans out there, but I feel compelled to point out Americans don’t have the monopoly on forgetting we’re in someone else’s country….I’ve seen plenty of non-American tourists, both here and abroad, who aren’t exactly poster children for their countries either.


    We probably get more ET visitors here because we’re the most fucked up place to watch.


    I just stumbled upon your blog. Short post, but hilariously sweet. Often the best kind!


    If I wasn’t so worn out I would laugh and cry. The truth in your sarcasm is impressive.


    *boom chica bow mow*
    Them’s just my Coke drinkin’ tunes…


    I was so inspired reading this post while smoking my Marlboro and drinking my Coke that I stopped flipping through the latest issue of Hustler, canceled my appointment with the plastic surgeon and went searching for a terrorist to kill in the name of peace. And I’ll do it, too, just as soon as those damned UFOs go away.


    Thank you for even mentioning Promethean Times in the same breath as the Daily Show and the Oatmeal (I should have written “sentence” rather than “breath” as I don’t know that the mention occurred in the span of a single breath, and unless you took copious notes it is most likely lost to history). Sorry again for my tardiness. I’m working on my skillz.

    I especially like your attitude toward American exceptionalism. I don’t smoke any more, but I definitely remember AMERICAN Spirits with a certain fondness (if I ever find out I have six months to live I’m gonna suck down American Spirit yellows with all the verve of an aspiring porn starlet).

    One thing you forgot to mention about American awesomeness–we’re the only country to have a cheese named after it!

    “Well, what about Swiss Cheese?” you ask.

    Fuck them. They don’t count.


      Fuck Swiss cheese, man. I don’t like the way it tastes, and it hides condiments for German sausages and stuff but pretends it’s neutral. That’s BULLSHIT. But American cheese? Fuck yeah. Processed, artificially colored, and packaged in individually wrapped slices, just like nature intended.

      And you deserve to be in the same category as the Oatmeal and the Daily Show, Smak. You’ve earned it and then some.


    That post was scary up until the bullet points, then it got awesome. Cheers from Quebec!


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