As many of you know, I have something of a hotline to the spirit world. I know things. And I sense many important and exciting events in store for the coming year, so I want to share my predictions with you.
Jack Kerouac will return to earth in the body of a rabid dog and rip out the throat of the numbnuts who decided to crank out a tepid, unnecessary film adaptation of On the Road. The casting director who signed Kristen Stewart for a role will be found with a copy of the novel rammed up his cold, dead colon.
Prince William and Kate Middleton will welcome a son who will bear an unfortunate and uncanny resemblance to his grandfather, Prince Charles—complete with giant ears and constipated countenance. The front page of the Daily Mail will announce the birth with a photo of the baby and the headline, “A Royal Shame.” The Times header will read, “Newborn Prince Healthy but Lost Genetic Lottery.” And The Sun will simply declare, “BLOODY HELL!!”
In other celebrity baby news, the spawn of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will have cloven hooves and will perform its own C-section.
The governments of the United States and Canada will jointly decide to banish Justin Bieber to an ice floe in the Arctic Circle. He will never be heard from again. The IQ of millions of tween girls will skyrocket shortly afterwards.
In sports, the New York Yankees will go 162-0, sweeping the playoffs and winning the World Series in 4 games. Alex Rodriguez will be out for the season, tormented by the ghost of Lou Gehrig yelling, “Suck it up, bitch!” The NFL will be rocked to its core next winter when a meteor lands in the middle of Cowboys Stadium, destroying both the Dallas Cowboys and the visiting Philadelphia Eagles. Americans will once again fail to give a rat’s ass about the upcoming Major League Soccer season.
Buoyed by the continued federal funding of PBS, the Children’s Television Workshop will introduce a new Sesame Street character, Bruce—Snuffalupagus’s boyfriend.
Sometime next month—or maybe later today—a woman in front of me will walk way too slowly, causing my blood pressure to rise until I finally go batshit crazy and push her in front of a bus.
President Obama will appoint Betty White as United States Ambassador to the World, which will usher in a new era of peace on earth.
There’s more, but my spirit guides just went for a cigarette break. If you have any questions about the year ahead, please feel free to ask. I will provide answers when my guides return.