Madame Weebles chats with Anne Boleyn

April 25, 2016 — 63 Comments

In the past I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with some illustrious figures from history–you may recall my conversations with Abraham Lincoln and Edgar Allan Poe. It had been quite some time since I had communed with the spirit world so I decided it was time to say hi again.

I began my session by dimming the lights, closing my eyes, and meditating. But just as a spirit began to materialize, the connection was abruptly severed. One of the Weeblettes had wandered in, saw the ectoplasm and went batshit crazy, swatting at it and hissing. I really need to remember to keep the cats out of the room when I’m summoning the dead.

I had just closed the door when I heard swearing. I turned around to see a woman’s glowing head hovering in front of me and scowling: “It’s bad enough I was beheaded once, now I have to be disembodied too??”

History has no shortage of women who had their heads chopped off so I quickly made a mental list of Beheaded Women. Marie-Antoinette…Mary, Queen of Scots…Anne Boleyn…

She rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. “Nice of you to remember me,” she said. I didn’t think the attitude was called for but in fairness I had never been locked in the Tower of London and executed. I’d probably be pretty bitchy too if I were her. [Editor’s note: A lot of people think Madame Weebles is pretty bitchy anyway.]

MW: So…I’d invite you to have a seat but…well, you know.
AB: You don’t expect me to hover here indefinitely, do you? I can still sit, I’m still able-headed.

Her head floated over to the chair opposite me and settled onto the seat. I considered offering her a cup of tea but decided against it.

MW: Let’s get to the questions about the beheading first.
AB: Not much to tell, really. My rat-bastard husband accused me of adultery, incest, and high treason, threw me into the Tower, and had me executed. End of story. He’s since apologized but frankly it’s too little, too late. I’m still not speaking to him.
MW: That sucks. You deserved better.
AB: At least he had the decency to get an executioner who knew what he was doing—he took off my head cleanly with just one blow of his sword. Mary, Queen of Scots wasn’t so lucky, it took them 3 blows of an axe to remove her head completely. Really grisly stuff. If you meet her and she volunteers to stage a reenactment of her execution, decline. Consider yourself warned.
MW: Duly noted. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I have to ask…
AB: You want to know about the codpiece, don’t you.
MW: How did you know??
AB: Easy. Everyone wants to know about the codpiece.

Henry VIII’s armor and codpiece. To protect the Crown Jewels.

MW: Well?
AB: Let’s put it this way: he had delusions of grandeur, if you know what I’m saying.
MW: I think I do, yes.
AB: You have no idea how many people have asked me about it. Catherine the Great was especially disappointed to learn the truth.
MW: I’m sure she was. Now tell me about your daughter, Queen Elizabeth I.
AB:I laugh my ass off every time someone refers to her as the Virgin Queen. As if. But she was the best queen ever. Victoria hates it when I say that—if she says, “We are not amused” one more time I’m going to bitch slap her into next year.
MW: You know, for someone who died almost 500 years ago, you have a remarkable grasp of modern vernacular and swear words.
AB: I try to keep current with the lingo, it helps when I meet the newbies. Not many of them speak 16th-century English.
MW: Have you befriended many of the recently dead?
AB: Oh, plenty of them. At the moment I’m angling for an introduction to David Bowie because he’s really hot. But Johann (Bach, of course) has been monopolizing his time since he arrived, giggling like a little fanboy. So embarrassing. You have no idea how awful “Suffragette City” sounds when played on the harpsichord.
MW: When you finally do meet David Bowie, please tell him we miss him down here. And please send Prince our fond regards too.

And with that, Queen Anne and I bid each other farewell. Her head floated gracefully into the air and slowly vanished.

63 responses to Madame Weebles chats with Anne Boleyn

  1. 

    I could only imagine the exchange between AB and Prince. Nice start to a Monday. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      I suspect Anne and Prince would have a good time discussing clothes, as she was quite the fashion plate back in the day. I think she’d appreciate Prince’s fondness for the royal color purple, too. May your week be off to a good start, Jaded One.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    That Anne Boleyn was one smart cookie! It doesn’t surprise me that she has kept up with modern English vernacular, Weebs. She really wasn’t very nice to her predecessor, however (you know, Catherine of Aragon?). I guess she didn’t mention that…

    Liked by 3 people

    • 

      I asked her about Catherine of Aragon, and not surprisingly, she changed the subject. Poor Catherine, she got a really raw deal. I hope she’s enjoying her afterlife greatly. Have a great week, Cathy!

      Like

  3. 

    Still the party girl, it seems. Glad to hear she still has spirit. (As you say, tea might be skipped can be draining. Must be difficult for a Brit to do that, though)

    Like

  4. 

    Admittedly, Phillipa Gregory is my guilty pleasure… πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 

    Don’t tell Anne, but I was always fascinated with the Mary Queen of Scots story. I did a report on her in fourth grade and devoured everything I could find. How’s that for grisly? But maybe Anne will forgive me when I say she is a superb interview subject. Very entertaining read!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 

    It comes as little surprise the Henry VIII didn’t have much behind the codpiece. They say he had small hands.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. 

    I’m going to have to come over to your place for one of these. There are so many folks I’d love to meet!

    Like

  8. 

    I won’t lie, I get my history lessons from your blog. I then pass on this learning to my children, who seem to do very poorly in school for some reason. You are so bitchy, Weebles (but in the best way possible). I was going to make a joke about that suit of armour, THAT codpiece, and that head… but no… some things are better left unsaid.

    Like

  9. 

    Fun fun. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we really could talk with the other side and get some answers. Prince is a huge loss. 😦

    Like

  10. 

    So, the codpiece was like an old-timey fish tank? I’m confused. And of all the fish to keep he chose cod? What a goofball!

    Like

    • 

      You ask the good questions, sir. Maybe that’s why it was so big. It wasn’t for his equipment, it was a sort of meal kit. Cod seems fairly awkward though, maybe something smaller like tilapia would be better.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. 

    Supposedly, I’m somehow related to Mary Queen of Scots… I haven’t done the research myself, that’s just I was told.

    Like

    • 

      Now THAT is cool. So you’ve got Stuarts in your clan, eh? I’m pretty sure I have no royalty in my class–so far my genealogy has revealed nothing but poor farmers and workers who couldn’t read or write. More the salt of the earth type. If you find out more about your connection to poor old Mary, let us know!

      Like

      • 

        Yep, lots of Stuarts in the way back. I’m sure I’ll be interested in the who and when of it all eventually. Maybe when the little prince has to do a genealogy project. We’ll see.

        Like

        • 

          That would be pretty cool. That little prince of yours is adorable, and who knows, maybe the term “prince” is appropriate genealogically too, maybe he’d have been 1202nd in line for the throne or something.

          Like

  12. 

    Well done on bagging the exclusive rights to the interview, i know how tricky it can be to secure a one-on-one with a royal. You teased some good insights from her – an excellent post.

    Like

    • 

      You may understand the difficulty of snagging the royal interview better than most, Mr. Reclining Gentleman sir, being in the land of Anne Boleyn et al. Anne had some good dish, I would imagine they all have some juicy info to reveal.

      By the way, every time I have jasmine Earl Grey tea, I think of you. I had no idea such a thing existed before you mentioned it!

      Like

      • 

        Indeed, the posh and royal types don’t lower themselves to being interviewed by us commoners. Annie obviously recognised you as a lady of good standing, what with the Madame title. I bet she had some great “off the record” stories you weren’t allowed to publish too.
        Ah, the mighty JEG. what a tea. Sadly my supplies are depleted and I can’t find a source over here or on the net. I need to get to my favourite London backstreet tea emporium and see if they have any.

        Like

        • 

          Anne did indeed have a few extraordinarily ribald tales to tell but she swore me to secrecy, alas.

          I found JEG on Amazon, surely you can get some there? Unless you’re partial to a particular brand/blend? I hope you can replenish your stores soon, sir. To be without your tea is a crime.

          Like

          • 

            Well maybe i will have to visit so i can hear them in person then.
            I’ve amazoned for JEG but can only find stupidly expensive stuff there. Luckily i have a good couple of dozen other varieties on my shelf so I still have nice tea but i do miss JEG. If i can’t find it in london i will have to bite the bullet and pay the amazon price 😦

            Like

            • 

              I like how you’ve used “amazon” as a verb. Like google. There are far worse things than taking a day trip to London, surely you can find JEG there.

              Like

              • 

                Why thank you, i like to twist and shape the language wherever possible. Feel free to take the new verb and release it into the wild.
                I do like London, even if it IS too big and too busy, and i am overdue a trip. I will take pics of the tea shop and hopefully hunt down the elusive JEG

                Like

    • 

      I thank you, good sir. Anne and I had a good time, you’d think spectral disembodiment would cause problems for a spirit, but she makes it look good.

      Like

  13. 

    Ah, I have missed these interviews. πŸ™‚

    Like

  14. 

    You totally should publish a series of interviews like this as history lesson books, you make history much more interesting and can bring it to the masses (and I don’t just mean your blog followers).

    Like

    • 

      That’s not a bad idea. There are a few spirits who would probably want royalties (you should pardon the pun in the case of Queen Anne) but I’m sure we could work out something suitable. I have no idea what they’d do with cash in the afterlife anyway.

      Hey, I just realized you’re a good person to ask: do you have a good recipe for jam roly poly?

      Liked by 1 person

      • 

        In theory I would have been a good person to ask, but it’s not something I’ve made before! I don’t tend to make those more old-fashioned heavy desserts, not that I don’t like them! I did just try searching for you online to see if Mary Berry had a recipe for one because that would be my choice of recipe if she did, but alas I can’t find one, so I can’t even helpfully point you in the right direction. I’ve failed you as a Brit!

        Like

  15. 

    I’ve missed these wonderful interviews of yours, Weebs. You have the most amazing people visiting you! If only my brick wall GGGG grandfather would stop by to fill me in on his history! πŸ˜›

    Like

  16. 

    Codpieces… the antique version of a bright-yellow Hummer.

    Like

  17. 

    I loved the interview; however, I now have a new codpiece obsession.

    Like

  18. 

    Other reasons behind the codpiece being over-inflated was due to syphilis. You could almost feel sorry for Henry VIII if he hadn’t been so gharstly to the women in his life!

    Like

  19. 

    Ha! My childhood obsession…King Henry and all his wives. Story is that we too are related to Mary Queen of Scots as well, though I have not yet found any proof and suspect it to be mostly rumor having already debunked one rumor in our family history.

    Sure wish I had the memory you have, it’s times like these that it seems it might be useful.

    Like

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