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By now I’m sure many of us have heard about this travesty of justice, in which a Texas man was found not guilty of murdering an escort. Under Texas law, a person is justified in the use of deadly force to recover property stolen as part of a nighttime theft—in this case, the theft of $150 that the escort allegedly took from the defendant. This is just one of the many What the Fuck laws on the books in the Lone Star State. Hence, the rant that follows…

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So Ezekiel Gilbert has been acquitted. Phew, you boys must be so relieved. How tragic it would have been to incarcerate a perfectly good white man merely for the cold-blooded murder of a woman…a non-white woman who was working as an escort. Interestingly, another Texas man, who happens to be black, was sentenced to 50 years in prison for possession of a knife and stealing a $35 rack of ribs. Yes, the guy was a repeat criminal, but the key takeaway here is that a misdemeanor involving a dead cow or pig is far more of a heinous crime than the murder of a woman, right? I mean, who cares about human decency?

See, I’ve noticed that what’s really important to you folks is the legality of protecting your property by shooting to kill. Like that theft law, and your “Castle Doctrine” law that allows Texas residents to shoot intruders. But I have news for you: those laws? Not helping. Texas was #2 in the United States last year in the number of car thefts, overall property theft, AND burglary. So tell me again about how gun ownership deters crime. How’s that working out for you, dickwads?

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Seriously, assholes, fuck you. You already had some of the loosest gun laws in the country, to the delight of many gun nuts with itchy trigger fingers. But as of last month, you relaxed your gun laws even further. Well done. What’s next, giving each baby in Texas a Fisher Price My First Shotgun?

None of this should really surprise me; you draconian sons of bitches have never really had any use for anyone who isn’t a white, gun-toting, Christian, heterosexual male. You know the updated Violence Against Women Act that Obama signed into law a few months ago? Twenty-two senators voted against the act. Guess which state’s senators were among them? That’s right, yours. Both of them. I suppose that’s fitting, given that the incidence of violence against women is pretty damned high in Texas. You certainly wouldn’t want to do anything to curb that, would you. Texas ranked second in the country last year in the number of rapes. And in 2011, Texas ranked second in the number of calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Evidently you’re okay with that.

I’m not the only one who thinks you’re insane, by the way. Here’s a little article from Forbes magazine, in which one of your own citizens cuts you to pieces. Reading it warmed the cockles of my heart, but reading this one filled me with the greatest joy. Looks like a bunch of people have your number. Too bad they don’t all have the power to vote you out of office and make sure you never, ever return, you evil fucks.

Then there’s your governor, Rick Perry, who has a smile that makes my blood run cold. Rick, it’s obvious that you’re waging a war against women, gay people, and probably everyone else who doesn’t fit into your bizarre world view. You’ve signed legislation to close abortion clinics all over Texas, and in the few places where abortions are still allowed, you’ve signed another law that forces women to undergo ultrasounds before they terminate their pregnancies. You’ve expressed your disapproval of the Boy Scouts’ decision to allow gay scouts and in a stunning display of what I can only describe as chutzpah, you even likened being anti-gay to being anti-slavery. You opposed the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and I assume you won’t be signing any laws allowing same-sex marriage. When karma finds you, I hope it takes the form of a gay, black, Muslim woman, and I hope she makes your life a living hell. It will be good practice for when you reach your Final Destination.

There are other states swarming with fucked-up politicians—South Carolina and Arizona come to mind almost immediately—but it pleases me to give you special treatment today, Texas lawmakers. Maybe if you weren’t so gun-crazy, and such blatant, unapologetically misogynist, racist, homophobic cretins, you wouldn’t be on everyone’s radar. Maybe if you weren’t a disgrace to humanity, I wouldn’t feel the urge to rake you over the coals. Maybe if you weren’t hellbent on returning Texas to the 19th century, you wouldn’t be the punchline to a very bad joke.

Apologies to all the normal, decent people of Texas—because I know there are so many of you. I realize that this screed may offend, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

The genius of the late Steve Jobs knows no bounds. Not even death.

Bereft and rudderless after the departure of their beloved leader from this mortal coil, Apple hired a group of psychics to channel messages from their founder.  They recruited some of America’s finest mediums, sparing no expense to visit New Age communities, storefront psychic parlors, and carnivals across the country in order to identify the very best of the best.

Almost immediately upon her arrival at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, Lady Zuba, a crystal ball reader selected for this elite task force, picked up vibrations from an otherworldly source. She began to sketch furiously, frantically trying to keep up with the visions she received. Another member of the panel, Miss Lucretia, a clairaudient, started hearing the voice of Jobs and transcribed all that she heard. The following is an excerpt from that session:

“I am proud to announce the next generation in interment technology: the iTombs Burial System. The timeless, sleek lines of the iCoffin and the compact design of the iUrn are like nothing the world has ever seen before. Perfect for those who want something truly cutting-edge for their eternal rest. The iTombs Burial System also features the iTombs app, which allows loved ones to text messages to the deceased and send virtual flowers for special occasions (special data rates may apply). The iCoffin and iUrn will be equipped with special 5G technology capable of receiving signals through up to 8 feet of burial ground and mausoleum walls 6 inches thick. iTombs will finally bring death into the 21st century.”

An eerie hush fell over the room as representatives from Apple’s senior management listened to Miss Lucretia’s message. Shortly afterwards, Lady Zuba unveiled her drawings. There was a collective gasp from the crowd.

Lisa Garcia, one of Apple’s corporate officers, shook her head and marveled at the ongoing brilliance of her departed friend and mentor. “He’s done it again. That magnificent bastard,” she said wistfully, wiping away a tear.

The iCoffin and iUrn can be customized to any specification, for bodies of all shapes and sizes. Both products will come in black, white, and titanium, and will be available for purchase from Apple retailers and funeral parlors.

The release of the iTombs Burial System has sparked a veritable frenzy, as hundreds of thousands of Apple aficionados across the United States are already standing in line to purchase the first iCoffins and iUrns, which are due to hit the showrooms next week.  iPads and iPhones are out in full force as the crowds gleefully tweet, blog, email, and text about their excitement while listening to their iPods. Some die-hard users are even using their iPhones to call friends to talk in real time.

Enthusiasm for the new iTombs products is raging across age groups young and old. Dorothy Baker, an 83-year-old from Tulsa, Oklahoma, is ecstatic about the new line of coffins. “My husband thinks a pine box is fine, but I want to make sure I can keep up with what my grandkids are doing.”  Todd Marc Phyffer, a 20-year-old street musician from Portland, Oregon, texted, “I may die tomorrow, brah, who knows. If I have an iUrn, people can still ping me.”

Funeral directors also hail iTombs as a major step foward for their industry—as well as their social lives. Larry Tinsworthy, a mortician in Oak Park, Illinois, eagerly anticipates the surge in business. “Everyone will want an iCoffin. Maybe now I’ll get laid.”

The iTombs Burial System will go on sale nationwide next week, with worldwide sales beginning the following week. iTombs2 is already in development.

Pharmaceutical companies continually seek to develop new, more effective treatments for diseases of all kinds. But there is an enormous unmet need for the treatment of stupidity, one of the major pandemics of our time. Millions of people worldwide live with this devastating disorder; it affects the patients themselves, but more tragically, it causes untold pain and suffering among those exposed to second-hand stupidity.

I’ve seen many too innocent souls fall victim to this terrible plague. You don’t read about them in the papers and they don’t get coverage on CNN. But they’re out there. You’ve seen them. The guy with the thousand-yard stare waiting on line at the supermarket while the customer at the register argues about expired coupons. Your twitchy co-worker at a meeting, listening to someone ask a question that was answered not five minutes earlier. The poor bastard on the phone with customer service. So much needless agony.

But now, finally, there’s hope.

Today the FDA announced the approval of an exciting first-in-class medication that may improve the quality of life for patients, their families, neighbors, and co-workers. NO-DUH, which goes by the generic name imbecillin, is indicated for the temporary relief of the major symptoms of stupidity, including:

  • Inability to comprehend simple instructions and directions
  • Inability to navigate stairways, escalators, elevators, sidewalks, subway stations, airports, supermarket aisles, ATM lines, and other public areas without blocking traffic and causing maddening delays
  • Lack of even the most basic common sense
  • General incompetence
  • Drooling

In the pivotal trial TWITS (Targeting Widespread Idiocy and Total Stupidity), imbecillin was evaluated in 2,030 patients recruited from a wide range of venues, including slow lanes, highway bottlenecks, redneck bars, and John Mayer concerts. The drug was found to be superior in reducing the symptoms of stupidity vs yelling, “What the fuck is wrong with you???”

A second clinical trial, KILLME (Keep Idiot Losers Locked Away From ME), was conducted to assess the effect of imbecillin on the quality of life of those exposed to stupidity on a daily basis. Investigators discovered that imbecillin reduced the amount of eye rolling, loud sighing, teeth gnashing, obscene gestures, and honking vs placebo or vodka.

NO-DUH comes in an aerosol mist formulation that can be inhaled by the patient or administered to patients as a topical spray by caregivers or bystanders.

A spokesman for MentalTech Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturers of NO-DUH, reported that pre-approval orders for the product numbered well into the millions. The forecast for Q2 earnings for MentalTech is anticipated to be in the trillions of dollars.