List of Characters:
Madame Weebles, your performer and insomniac
Mr. Weebles, who can fall asleep just thinking about sleep
Cupcake, a beautiful, un-declawed, 18-pound kitty
Setting:
The bedroom, in the middle of the night. It’s dark. Mr. Weebles is asleep. My alarm clock is taunting me with those giant glowing red numbers, pointing at me and snickering.
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I can’t believe this is happening again. I’m so tired. Why can’t I just go to sleep? It’s 2:00am. If I get to sleep by 3:00, that’s still four hours of sleep. I guess that’s not too bad.
I could read but I’m too tired for that. And I’m too tired and lazy to get up and go to the computer. But my brain is spinning. I don’t get it. How can my brain be spinning when I’m this tired?? Maybe I’ll try that deep breathing thing I read about. Innnnnnhaaaaaaaaaale. Exxxxxxxxhaaaaaaaa—forget it, this is boring.
What’s on television? Hey, Law & Order: Criminal Intent is on!
Ooop, someone just jumped on the bed. It’s Cupcake. Hi Cupcake! Such a good girl. Come here, let me pet you. Ow, don’t stand on me, you’re concentrating all 18 pounds on one paw. It really hurts. Just lie down, pumpkin. Come on, lie down. No—please, don’t walk on me. Ow, the claws. Oh no. Please, not there, Cupc—oww, NOTTHERENOTTHERENOTTHERENOWOWOWAWWWWW, look at you, you’re so cute! See, isn’t this nice, lying down? Yes, this is much nicer.
4:00am. If I fall asleep in the next half hour, that’s two and a half hours of sleep. Sigh. At least it’s something.
Uh oh. There’s that poor limping dog—it’s that ASPCA or Humane Society commercial again. I need to change the channel. What did I do with the remote? Dammit, now I have to grope around for it with my eyes closed, I can’t watch these animals, it’s too sad. Where’s the remote?? WHERE IS IT?!?! I have to switch channels immediately!! Lalalalalalalalalalalala I’m not listening lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala oh here it is. **click**
4:30am. Yay, I’m finally getting really drowsy. I should be asleep pretty soon. What a relief.
BRRRRRROOARRGGGGGGGGGGHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Fucking motorcyclist. I hope he wraps his bike around a lamppost and it bursts into flames. Asshole.
5:15am. My heart is still racing from that motorcycle scaring the shit out of me. I want to find that motherfucker, tie him to a stake, baste him with honey, and set fire ants on him.
Look at Mr. Weebles, sleeping so soundly. That smug bastard. How does he do that? He looks so peaceful and cozy. I really hate him.
6:00am. If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, that’s an hour of sleep. That’s barely even a nap. Fuck my life. Is it possible to smother oneself with a pillow?
I want to make a voodoo doll of that biker and puree it in the blender.
6:45am. Sonofabitch. I can’t believe I haven’t slept all fucking night. This is BULLSHIT. I may as well just get up now since my alarm is going to go off in fifteezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….
Fear No Weebles 