These seats are for giant packages only

Madame Weebles —  June 18, 2012 — 88 Comments

It happens to me at least once a week: I end up sitting on the bus or subway next to a guy with exceptionally large genitalia. How do I know they have exceptionally large genitalia? Because they sit like this:

Their packages are so massive, so bountiful, that they’re physically incapable of keeping their legs together while seated. Every so often I’ll notice one of them move his legs closer together by an inch or so in an attempt to allow someone to sit next to them. But it seems that most of them are at the mercy of their enormous manhood and have no choice but to give their boys the space they need.

Just this morning a woman tried to sit next to one such gentleman, who made no effort to close his legs because it would cause him too much injury. She looked pissed, but I leaned over and explained to her that I’m sure he would make room if he could, but his physical condition prevents him from doing so. She nodded her head in sympathetic understanding and proceeded to squish herself into the remaining one third of the seat.

Where things get really ugly, though, is when two of these guys try to sit next to each other. Neither of them can spare an inch of room, so it turns into a contest to see who has the more fearsome junk. It’s fascinating to watch them jockey for the dominant position. Ever watch a nature documentary where they show two stags locked in battle, bashing each other in the antlers? It’s kind of like that. These guys duke it out knee vs knee, leg vs leg, all while maintaining the illusion that they’re paying no attention to each other whatsoever. Eventually the alpha dog emerges and the bitch retreats, crossing his legs in defeat. Imagine how painful that must be.

What we really need is designated seating for these poor guys, roomy enough for them and their family jewels.  How can we expect them to use seating that simply isn’t designed for them?  How is that fair?  Our society doesn’t take into account the needs of these men, and it’s not right.  What’s worse, we judge them unfairly.  Everyone automatically assumes that they’re selfish douchebags when really, they’re just differently abled. I was guilty of this stereotype as well; whenever I saw a guy crowding his seatmates by sitting with his knees three feet apart, I’d think, “Asshole.” But no more. Now I know better.

88 responses to These seats are for giant packages only

  1. 

    This is laugh out loud hysterical funny. Thank you Madame… packages so massive and so bountiful.. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  2. 

    I’ll try not to sit so close next time, Madame! It’s just that I need an extra seat for my junk.

    Hey–I didn’t ask to be gifted, okay?

  3. 

    Oh Mme. Weebles — we’re both city girls — I know this train — I know these “well-endowed,” seat-hoggers!

  4. 

    You. Are. Outstanding!

  5. 

    So glad you set me straight ;-)

  6. 

    No, now you don’t think “asshole”… you think “gigantic prick”. Am I right?

    Laughing my head off here – I won’t be able to ride transit ever again without snickering.

  7. 

    Very enlightening. I guess I’ll have to be more compassionate. I had no idea how challenging that must be…:)

  8. 

    See? It’s wrong to make assumptions. We are better people now for keeping our minds open ;-)

  9. 

    You are a wise and informed woman, Madame. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will forthwith feel sorry for them, rather than think they are douchebag assholes.

  10. 

    This is really A+ funny. Immediately reminded me of old Danny Thomas show “Make Room for Daddy”

  11. 

    i believe i have a solution — rather than special seating areas for men with enormous penii, i believe they should have special straps. if the jewels are truly that large, then they could easly swing from roof-mounted belts. this provides BOTH seating for the genitaliacally challenged AND an opportunity to display their scrotal magnificence for all to admire…

  12. 

    I believe I have the best solution of all. Back in Medeival times they would use a seat with a hole cut out of the middle – think toilet seat but not such a big opening. Apparently when a new Pope was ordained they would make them sit on this seat and someone would reach under to make sure the new pope was indeed a male. I think it might come as a welcome relief to these well endowed male passengers if they knew they could sit in a seat and let it all hang out, or down, as it were. Problem solved.
    Feel free to come to me with any more public genitalia issues or nuisances.

  13. 
    Tara Woodruff ~ The Challenge June 19, 2012 at 12:30 am

    Oh YES!!!!! Family Jewel Seating!!

  14. 

    Such a shame I didn’t see this until after I moved away from NYC. All those subways rides when I simply thought every man sitting next to me was an asshole. I didn’t believe anyone’s junk could be THAT big. I’m so glad I never actually voiced my ignorance as I was so tempted to on a daily basis.

    • 

      Welcome, Alison!! Believe me, I would have been really embarrassed if I had actually said, “Close your fucking legs and let someone else sit down, you little piece of shit.” So glad I know better now.

  15. 

    I’ve tried sitting like that but it hasn’t fooled anyone yet :(

  16. 

    ooooh so that’s their problem… THANK YOU for enlightening us! And here I thought they were just insufferable douchebags :)

  17. 

    Next time I’m in public transit, I will drape both my arms across the back of the seat and claim that my massive rack requires more room and support than my more regular sized sisters.

  18. 
    AgrippingLife June 19, 2012 at 7:29 am

    By the way, this post is hysterical and is such a confirmation of why I have you on my blog roll. You’re one funny chick!

  19. 

    Ha! What a creative mind you have. All from observing this proud breed on the subway. I love it especially when they shift said genitalia around, just to ensure it’s still there, safe and guarded. They should probably have those own subway/train car.

  20. 

    You are hilarious! The title and then the first sentence alone killed me.

  21. 

    Having ridden the train and subway while massively pregnant, and glared at these guys who were sitting while I was standing… Well, they are actually big sissies, and they avoided all eye contact!! Thankfully, I’ve never had to sit anywhere near one of these guys on a plane…

    • 

      It’s true, Lovely, they do tend to be big cowards—I’ve noticed that they avoid eye contact too. I can’t decide if it’s because they’re just incredibly arrogant or because they realize that they’re being jackasses. Either way they suck.

  22. 

    I know these guys all too well, too, M. Weebles. They’re the kings of inconsideration so selfish and rude. What always gets me is when a dinky chap that stands barely 5 feet tall is compelled to take two seats and spread his legs wide open as if he’s a member of the Knicks. I always think, “There’s penis envy.” The subway is a sociological study in itself. Hm, your dude readership is very quiet about this post. Did you strike a chord Madame?

  23. 

    Riding public transportation will never be the same again!

  24. 

    I was gonna make a snappy comment about this tall tale of a posting – but I got nothing. Wait no no no that isn’t what I meant at all! No really this is why I have a great big truck to carry me and my big package. Well it isn’t really a truck. And I actually walk everywhere – but I walk like a cowboy. And I still got no snappy comment. Thanks for the laugh!

  25. 

    Stellar, Madame.

    Maybe there’s a market for tie wraps. Tube staff could roam the train and apply them where necessary.

    And I’m thinking around the knees here …

    Cheers!

  26. 

    Yeah, got off the subway the other day muttering about bowling balls between their legs to my church-going neighbor…he nodded like a bobble toy and got away from me as fast as he could…

  27. 

    This is too funny, never before has my attention been so captured by a wiener story.

  28. 

    Next time I’m on the Subway I’m doing a complete split. Guaranteed to leave with some phone numbers.

    I wonder what book it is he is reading. Perhaps something on lowering the size of his member? Different exercises he can do such as pushing it inward or eating vagina shaped foods perhaps. Poor guy. I’m glad you understand his sorrow.

  29. 

    You should “accidently” spill hot coffee on it and watch it shrink. Do you remember the shrink factor episode in Seinfeld? well, it works the same with with scalding hot liquid, too…lol

  30. 

    I’m just happy when I get any seat on the subway. I usually carry my bits in my knapsack so i can take advantage of any space, no matter how small.

  31. 

    Oh, boy, this made me laugh, though I suppose that says something about me. Great blog you have here. Looking forward to reading more. (And thanks so much for the follow on mine. :) )

  32. 

    LOL! Yes you do know better and, you put it into words so well..( Imagine taking a bus from Oregon to Alabama. Those bus seats were so unfair to my fellow passengers…)

  33. 

    Perhaps it’s not a question of size, but rather the lingering memory of an overheated summer causing them to take extreme measures to prevent tree-frogging of the gentleman parts at all cost.

  34. 

    Now if you could just explain to me the women I’ve encountered who do the same thing. . .and yes I’m pretty sure they are sporting gender appropriate packages.

  35. 

    You see now, I never have to worry about this Weebs as my package is embarrassingly small. This could also explain why I haven’t had sex in so long..? Your predictions for me in 2014 were shit. I want my money back.

    • 

      Dude. It’s January Fucking 18th. Give it some time. As for small packages, so the fuck what? You’re more than just the package. Something tells me you probably have magic hands and a magic tongue. So chill the fuck out, rest up, and stay hydrated.

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