It happens to me at least once a week: I end up sitting on the bus or subway next to a guy with exceptionally large genitalia. How do I know they have exceptionally large genitalia? Because they sit like this:
Their packages are so massive, so bountiful, that they’re physically incapable of keeping their legs together while seated. Every so often I’ll notice one of them move his legs closer together by an inch or so in an attempt to allow someone to sit next to them. But it seems that most of them are at the mercy of their enormous manhood and have no choice but to give their boys the space they need.
Just this morning a woman tried to sit next to one such gentleman, who made no effort to close his legs because it would cause him too much injury. She looked pissed, but I leaned over and explained to her that I’m sure he would make room if he could, but his physical condition prevents him from doing so. She nodded her head in sympathetic understanding and proceeded to squish herself into the remaining one third of the seat.
Where things get really ugly, though, is when two of these guys try to sit next to each other. Neither of them can spare an inch of room, so it turns into a contest to see who has the more fearsome junk. It’s fascinating to watch them jockey for the dominant position. Ever watch a nature documentary where they show two stags locked in battle, bashing each other in the antlers? It’s kind of like that. These guys duke it out knee vs knee, leg vs leg, all while maintaining the illusion that they’re paying no attention to each other whatsoever. Eventually the alpha dog emerges and the bitch retreats, crossing his legs in defeat. Imagine how painful that must be.
What we really need is designated seating for these poor guys, roomy enough for them and their family jewels. How can we expect them to use seating that simply isn’t designed for them? How is that fair? Our society doesn’t take into account the needs of these men, and it’s not right. What’s worse, we judge them unfairly. Everyone automatically assumes that they’re selfish douchebags when really, they’re just differently abled. I was guilty of this stereotype as well; whenever I saw a guy crowding his seatmates by sitting with his knees three feet apart, I’d think, “Asshole.” But no more. Now I know better.
This is laugh out loud hysterical funny. Thank you Madame… packages so massive and so bountiful.. haaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Thanks, unfettered. There’s really no other way to describe them—they’re so imposing, you know.
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yes their brains can be quite impressive at times
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I’ll try not to sit so close next time, Madame! It’s just that I need an extra seat for my junk.
Hey–I didn’t ask to be gifted, okay?
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Was that you?? If I had known I would have said hi. God speed, bro, you’re packing a lot of heat there.
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In all seriousness, the reason they spread their legs like that is because the rolled up sock that they’ve got stuffed in there is starting to chafe.
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Oh Mme. Weebles — we’re both city girls — I know this train — I know these “well-endowed,” seat-hoggers!
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I’m sure you’ve seen this all too often too, right??
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You. Are. Outstanding!
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Well thank you, Maggie. But really, I was just inspired by the subject matter, as it were. 😉
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So glad you set me straight 😉
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It’s good to know these things in case you were ready to haul off on one of these poor fellers.
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No, now you don’t think “asshole”… you think “gigantic prick”. Am I right?
Laughing my head off here – I won’t be able to ride transit ever again without snickering.
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“Now you don’t think “asshole”… you think “gigantic prick”.”
This might be the Best.Line.Ever. Seriously, Diane. Perfect.
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Very enlightening. I guess I’ll have to be more compassionate. I had no idea how challenging that must be…:)
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I didn’t either, Cathy. It’s only been through much experience in traveling as a fellow passenger with these gentlemen that I truly understood their plight…
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See? It’s wrong to make assumptions. We are better people now for keeping our minds open 😉
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I feel like a better person for it, for sure!
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You are a wise and informed woman, Madame. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will forthwith feel sorry for them, rather than think they are douchebag assholes.
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I was like you once, meizac. And now I’m ashamed of how I used to wish I could shove them out the window because I thought they were rude, inconsiderate asshats.
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This is really A+ funny. Immediately reminded me of old Danny Thomas show “Make Room for Daddy”
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Danny Thomas is probabaly the last person I would have expected to be evoked by this post, but I’ll take it, Carl!
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i believe i have a solution — rather than special seating areas for men with enormous penii, i believe they should have special straps. if the jewels are truly that large, then they could easly swing from roof-mounted belts. this provides BOTH seating for the genitaliacally challenged AND an opportunity to display their scrotal magnificence for all to admire…
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I like the way you think, sister. This would also alleviate the pressure of the seats on the aforementioned jewels. Everyone wins!
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I believe I have the best solution of all. Back in Medeival times they would use a seat with a hole cut out of the middle – think toilet seat but not such a big opening. Apparently when a new Pope was ordained they would make them sit on this seat and someone would reach under to make sure the new pope was indeed a male. I think it might come as a welcome relief to these well endowed male passengers if they knew they could sit in a seat and let it all hang out, or down, as it were. Problem solved.
Feel free to come to me with any more public genitalia issues or nuisances.
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I think this would solve a host of problems, Grippy. But is that really true about how they’d confirm the sex of a new pope??? That’s nuts! 😀
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It certainly is true. Disturbing, right?
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What’s really nuts is that they had to make him sit on a seat for “the test.”
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Oh YES!!!!! Family Jewel Seating!!
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Welcome, Tara!! Yes, I think Family Jewel Seating would certainly help everyone. The rest of us will enjoy General Seating and admire from afar.
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AMEN!
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Such a shame I didn’t see this until after I moved away from NYC. All those subways rides when I simply thought every man sitting next to me was an asshole. I didn’t believe anyone’s junk could be THAT big. I’m so glad I never actually voiced my ignorance as I was so tempted to on a daily basis.
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Welcome, Alison!! Believe me, I would have been really embarrassed if I had actually said, “Close your fucking legs and let someone else sit down, you little piece of shit.” So glad I know better now.
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I’ve tried sitting like that but it hasn’t fooled anyone yet 😦
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You have to own it, sybaritica. Work it.
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ooooh so that’s their problem… THANK YOU for enlightening us! And here I thought they were just insufferable douchebags 🙂
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Exactly, THAM. I had the same problem. If these guys only knew how close I was to throttling them. But now I realize it’s just not their fault…
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Next time I’m in public transit, I will drape both my arms across the back of the seat and claim that my massive rack requires more room and support than my more regular sized sisters.
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Holy mother of pearl, Wanda. That’s awesome. AWESOME. The twins need room!!
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What is good for the goose is good for the gander…or vise versa.
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By the way, this post is hysterical and is such a confirmation of why I have you on my blog roll. You’re one funny chick!
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Thank you very much! You’re pretty funny yourself!
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Ha! What a creative mind you have. All from observing this proud breed on the subway. I love it especially when they shift said genitalia around, just to ensure it’s still there, safe and guarded. They should probably have those own subway/train car.
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They really should travel separately, Brigitte. You’ve obviously seen the care they take with their boys, they need special environs. 😉
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You are hilarious! The title and then the first sentence alone killed me.
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Thanks, Maineiac! They always say that’s the trick to writing, you need a hook at the beginning. And if “exceptionally large genitalia” isn’t a hook, I don’t know what is.
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I should title my next post with that. I should title my next blog with that.
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Having ridden the train and subway while massively pregnant, and glared at these guys who were sitting while I was standing… Well, they are actually big sissies, and they avoided all eye contact!! Thankfully, I’ve never had to sit anywhere near one of these guys on a plane…
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It’s true, Lovely, they do tend to be big cowards—I’ve noticed that they avoid eye contact too. I can’t decide if it’s because they’re just incredibly arrogant or because they realize that they’re being jackasses. Either way they suck.
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I know these guys all too well, too, M. Weebles. They’re the kings of inconsideration so selfish and rude. What always gets me is when a dinky chap that stands barely 5 feet tall is compelled to take two seats and spread his legs wide open as if he’s a member of the Knicks. I always think, “There’s penis envy.” The subway is a sociological study in itself. Hm, your dude readership is very quiet about this post. Did you strike a chord Madame?
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Preach it, sister! And yes, I noticed that the gentlemen of WordPress were very quiet earlier today—they might all be “gifted,” you never know!
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Riding public transportation will never be the same again!
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Anything to keep it entertaining, Mo!
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I was gonna make a snappy comment about this tall tale of a posting – but I got nothing. Wait no no no that isn’t what I meant at all! No really this is why I have a great big truck to carry me and my big package. Well it isn’t really a truck. And I actually walk everywhere – but I walk like a cowboy. And I still got no snappy comment. Thanks for the laugh!
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But you’re keeping us guessing, Merlin—that makes men more intriguing, you know.
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Really? So then I guess tattoo pants would be a bad idea?
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Depends on the tats, really–a lot of skilled tattoo artists can create all kinds of interesting illusions, you know!
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Stellar, Madame.
Maybe there’s a market for tie wraps. Tube staff could roam the train and apply them where necessary.
And I’m thinking around the knees here …
Cheers!
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I’m really glad you added that “around the knees” part, Nigel.
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Yeah, got off the subway the other day muttering about bowling balls between their legs to my church-going neighbor…he nodded like a bobble toy and got away from me as fast as he could…
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Ha! Yup, bowling balls. Too bad your neighbor doesn’t understand!
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Oh, he got it…just didn’t expect it from me. Apparently he didn’t think I both notice and talk about stuff like that!
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Ah, I get it now. Well, now he knows better! 😉
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Yes, I take every opportunity to be educational…mostly, to be educated! 🙂
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This is too funny, never before has my attention been so captured by a wiener story.
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You’re telling me, Simon—when I sit across from one of these guys it’s hard to look away. The gravitational pull is that strong.
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Next time I’m on the Subway I’m doing a complete split. Guaranteed to leave with some phone numbers.
I wonder what book it is he is reading. Perhaps something on lowering the size of his member? Different exercises he can do such as pushing it inward or eating vagina shaped foods perhaps. Poor guy. I’m glad you understand his sorrow.
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I bet you’ll get a lot of tail by doing a split. Do it.
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You should “accidently” spill hot coffee on it and watch it shrink. Do you remember the shrink factor episode in Seinfeld? well, it works the same with with scalding hot liquid, too…lol
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Shrinkage. Yes. I’ll have to remember this.
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I’m just happy when I get any seat on the subway. I usually carry my bits in my knapsack so i can take advantage of any space, no matter how small.
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Just make sure you give them enough air, okay?
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I got on the subway this morning and there was a guy sitting exactly as you described.
He didn’t know why I was laughing at him.
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Ahhhahahaha, did you point at him overtly while you laughed?
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I got on, saw him, and just started laughing softly. He looked up and scowled. I figured the pointing would have been a bit much.
And he did eventually confine himself to one space.
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Oh, boy, this made me laugh, though I suppose that says something about me. Great blog you have here. Looking forward to reading more. (And thanks so much for the follow on mine. 🙂 )
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It says that you know good humor, is what it says. 😉 So glad you’re here, Carrie!
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Thanks. 🙂
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LOL! Yes you do know better and, you put it into words so well..( Imagine taking a bus from Oregon to Alabama. Those bus seats were so unfair to my fellow passengers…)
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Good grief, Mary, I missed your comment here from 10 years ago. I’m so sorry! I think I would have gone apeshit being on a bus from Oregon to Alabama. I have no idea how you managed.
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Perhaps it’s not a question of size, but rather the lingering memory of an overheated summer causing them to take extreme measures to prevent tree-frogging of the gentleman parts at all cost.
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You may have something there, Eva. I hadn’t thought of that. Who knows what lustful thoughts lurk in the hearts of men while in transit?
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Now if you could just explain to me the women I’ve encountered who do the same thing. . .and yes I’m pretty sure they are sporting gender appropriate packages.
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You see now, I never have to worry about this Weebs as my package is embarrassingly small. This could also explain why I haven’t had sex in so long..? Your predictions for me in 2014 were shit. I want my money back.
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Dude. It’s January Fucking 18th. Give it some time. As for small packages, so the fuck what? You’re more than just the package. Something tells me you probably have magic hands and a magic tongue. So chill the fuck out, rest up, and stay hydrated.
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