Alone in the dark

August 5, 2013 — 159 Comments

Over the past few weeks I experienced a particularly nasty bout of insomnia (which, fortunately, has resolved). It happens to me from time to time, for no particular reason. When it happens, I have plenty of extra time to think about all kinds of stuff. You may have seen this New Yorker cartoon:

Insomnia Jeopardy

I have played many, many games of Insomnia Jeopardy, and I’ve added a few more categories:

  • Every regret I’ve ever had
  • How much better my life would be if only X, Y, and Z
  • Why X, Y, and Z haven’t happened yet
  • All the things I meant to do that day but didn’t get around to
  • How will I die?
  • Is there anything in the house to eat that doesn’t involve preparation?

I used to get insomnia as a kid too. Even in those days I worried about a lot of things, including but not limited to:

  • Fire
  • Volcanoes
  • Spontaneous human combustion (actually, I still worry about this)
  • Sharks
  • Monsters
  • UFOs
  • Jack the Ripper

(Bear in mind that I watched a lot of In Search Of… with Leonard Nimoy.)

I’ve always had an odd relationship with the dark. I’m a night owl. I’m not afraid of the dark and I actually like it. Except if I can’t sleep, and especially if I’m the only one awake. Then I hate it. HATE IT.

When I was little, I’d lie there in the dark, afraid that I was the only person awake in the entire neighborhood. That terrified me. So I’d look out the window at the buildings across the street. If I saw a light on, or if I saw someone’s television flickering through the curtains, I felt much better. I felt less alone. If nobody’s lights were on, I’d panic. WHAT IF I’M THE ONLY ONE AWAKE??? I guess it never occurred to me that if something horrible happened, I could (and should) wake up my parents. Instead, I periodically peeked through the blinds to see if anyone had turned on a light. I’m happy to report that not once did I spontaneously combust. And nothing else horrible happened—not on my watch. No volcanic activity, UFO landings, shark attacks, monster sightings, 67-alarm fires, or murders by Jack the Ripper. I might have been only a little girl but dammit, I was vigilant.

I don’t really know why I still dread being the only one awake. I’m not afraid to be alone in general. There’s just something about being up while everyone else is sleeping that really unsettles me. During this latest bout of insomnia, I sat on the balcony every night and conducted a visual sweep of my surroundings, looking for signs of life, longing for the quiet companionship of fellow nocturnals. As usual, if I saw a light in a window or someone walking down the street, I was enormously relieved. Solidarity, friend. I’m here too. One night there were no lights on. No cars, no pedestrians, nothing. It was about 4am. That familiar panic bubbled up. Then I remembered the 24-hour deli and the hospital two blocks away. See, it’s okay. There’s always someone awake nearby.

And then I went back to bed and hoped I wouldn’t spontaneously combust.

159 responses to Alone in the dark


    Weebs, we are total opposites on this. I have no problem being awake and everyone else asleep. In fact there are times I just love it – make coffee, turn the music on, listen to the crickets – kick back and enjoy being alive. Everyone is asleep, there’s no one to bug me or want something. It was mighty interesting reading how you feel. Hope you are never without a light!


      Hey Mr. O! The funny thing is that if it’s in the morning, I don’t mind being the only one awake. I like that too, making the coffee and having the time to myself. But if it’s at night, then no. I have no idea why the time of day should make such a difference. Go figure.


    Glad to know you found your way back to the Morpheus arms, however, don’t trust him, he’s been with me all this time and I’m sorry to be the only telling you, but he’s a damn cheater.
    When I was a kid and my parents and little brother would nap on weekends in the middle of the day, I would panic, I would feel very anxious. I didn’t want to be the only one awake.
    It would have been nice if you had seen Jack in action, sad for the one getting ripped, but at least you would have been a reliable witness.
    And you made me remember this documentary:


      I’m glad I’m not the only one who panicked as a kid about being the only one awake. I believe you about Morpheus, though. He’s a cheater and he plays hard to get, that little bastard. And I refuse to watch that documentary. It will just freak me out. As it was, when I was a kid I used to walk around really carefully so I wouldn’t accidentally hit something and potentially spark my combustion. People must have thought I had some serious locomotor issues.


    Madame Weebles, this brought back memories. As a kid, I would be the only one awake. I would also scan the neighborhood. I had a clear line of sight to our elementary school and could tell which classroom the night janitor was in, by the light that was on. It always freaked me out when the last light went off. I still suffer from insomnia but live in an area where plenty of people are awake.
    In Search Of was also must see TV!


      Oh Jaded1, I’m raising my fist to you in solidarity. I’m sure there are plenty of people awake in my neighborhood at any given time of day, but not being able to see them is frustrating. And seriously, wasn’t In Search Of great?? Except for giving me the creeps, at least.


    I would imagine living in New York there is ALWAYS someone else awake with you. In fact, I’ve heard the nonstop car horns so I know that’s true…

    Sorry you fight the insomnia beast. It really is a giant A-hole.


    I’ve had insomnia since I was in my teens – I can totally relate. It’s mostly under control now – pharmaceuticals are a wonderful thing – but some nights, I just can’t turn off my brain, because my brain wants to have a conversation. About what? Everything. Mostly things I very much try not to think about when the sun’s up.

    Stupid busy brain.

    Glad things are better now. After about the fourth or fifth day of too-little or no sleep, things start getting a little fuzzy around the edges, don’t they?


      Why do brains want to chat at 4am? It’s not like I’m not paying attention at 4pm. But I know what you mean. My brain starts thinking of stuff I don’t like thinking about, but then it also does weird shit like creating grocery lists and remembering phone numbers of people I haven’t been in touch with in 20 years. And no shit about the fourth or fifth day—I was really getting loopy by then.


    The only time I was awake in the middle of the night was because of babies…feedings and what-not. My second child used to have night terrors. Gee, that was fun. Now she sleeps through the night and thankfully, so does the rest of the house. Sorry about your insomnia that sounds sucky…if I lived near by, I would so leave a light on for you.


    Those wild nocturnal thoughts are a spiral right to hell. When I get like that (not terribly often, thankfully) I try meditating. If that doesn’t work, I’ve discovered an over-the-counter miracle called Zzz-Quil, from the same nice folks who brought you Ny-Quil. For real.

    I’ve always thought that the whole “city that never sleeps” thing was hype. I’ve seen that town shut down.

    Alone in the Dark! I knew a girl who was in the 1982 version. I wonder whatever became of her?


      Alas, things like Zz-Quil don’t work. They make me ridiculously tired but still unable to sleep. Same with melatonin. Sometimes it works, but when it doesn’t, it leaves me worse off than if I hadn’t taken anything.


    Story of my life, Weebs. Sigh. I had to laugh you think about spontaneous human combustion. I’ve done that too. Wondering how or when I will die is another fun game I play at 2 am. Last night I said screw it and took two Benadryl’s. Slept great for once.


    Ouch … your insomnia bout sounds horrible. Best of luck to you shaking this streak. Meanwhile, sorry you missed this one.


    Like you I’m a night owl, but also like you I don’t like being the only one awake. It’s only now, after 19 years, that I finally have the guts to watch tv after everyone’s gone to sleep.


    Hey look. There you are!


    Sometimes before I fall asleep I lay in bed and Google/Wikipedia random things. Recent searches have included Ariel Castro, ootd, and Megan Fox. I think during the day I don’t have time to research these different things I hear about, so naturally when I lay down in bed to relax, that’s when I remember.


    I don’t often have insomnia but when I do, it’s terrible. I had it several weeks ago. I sincerely hope you get some relief soon, Madame Weebles. It’s a terrible curse.


      I’m sorry you had it too, Mary—too bad we didn’t know, we could have called each other in the middle of the night to chat! I’m mostly over mine now, I’m glad you are as well.


    I’m glad the insomnia has lifted, Weebs. I’ve only had it a few times, and it’s amazing what the mind can do in the middle of the night. And it is comforting to know you’re not the only one awake…


      Me too, Cathy. I try to reiki myself but even that gets kind of wacky when I’m sleep deprived. The other day I completely forgot what the power symbol looked like! I could have gotten up to look in one of my books, but that would have just woken me up more. Meh.


    Do you ever do that thing where you make loud noises to wake up Mr. Weebles “by accident”? That’s my favorite game with Sean, mostly because I’m jealous that he just passes out.


    “That’s Incredible” had a lot of segments about spontaneous combustion, too.


    I love that cartoon (and this post) because I go through bouts of insomnia, too, and this is exactly what it’s like. I’m glad sleep has found you again :)


      I laughed my ass off the first time I saw that cartoon because that really IS what it’s like, isn’t it, Ashley? Sorry you have the Sleep Problems as well. Solidarity, sister.


    And I hardly ever seem to hear about spontaneous human combustion taking place in the winter months, either.
    You know… where the extra warmth might be useful (for the first half-second or so, anyway).


      I never thought about that, but you’re right. So not only is spontaneous human combustion a shitty deal in general, but it’s extra shitty because you don’t even get some sweet relief from the cold before you flame out into oblivion. And it’s summer right now. I’m pretty sure I know how my brain will be spinning tonight. Thanks a lot, Sig.


    On the other hand, if you did spontaneously combust, everything would be lit up like daylight, at least ofr a moment.

    Hmm…that’s probably not helpful.


    I was TERRIFIED of spontaneous human combustion (those Time/Life books about the weird and wonderful world impacted me deeply- I think I still have the one about the Nazca Lines of Peru). The anxieties that hit us when the rest of the world is slumbering can be pretty nutso- thanks for sharing yours and letting me know I’m not all that odd after all.


      Ypu’re not alone, buddy! I never had any of those Time-Life books but I remember them well, and I remember the commercials for them. Even the commercials creeped me out a little as a kid. I tried to walk very carefully so I wouldn’t accidentally bump into something and spontaneously combust, even though I wasn’t sure that would even help. Nowadays, when I can’t sleep I don’t feel much different from when I was 8 years old and couldn’t sleep. But at least I don’t worry so much about Jack the Ripper anymore.


    Not sleeping is rubbish. And a bit lonely. But the good news is that your 4am is my chirpy 9am, and I’m up for a chat then. I’ll just be swigging my first tea of the day at my desk.


    Weebs, I feel your pain! I’ve had my share of sleepless nights, especially when I was a kid. I would wake up at night, get my second wind. Of course, the real problem with that one is that society generally operates on a day schedule. And then it’s easy to worry when there’s no one else to talk to. I found that my worst bouts of insomnia were hormonally related. Reading sometimes helped me. Glad to hear it’s all over, Weebs! Hope you are getting some good rest now!


      Thanks Honeybee. I used to get that too, the second wind. I’d actually use the time productively and clean my room. But now I’m older and wiser and I don’t do that anymore. :D


    Morpheus did finally find my address again, and he was very nice but he kept telling me I was The One, and then I didn’t know what that meant so I sat up all night trying to figure it out.


    I hope tonight brings you sweet dreams, princess…


    I’m sorry to hear that your mind likes to mess with you at all wee hours of the night or morning. That really sucks. I am so very thankful that I rarely deal with insomnia. Although I have woken up in the middle of the night to the wails of a pack of coyotes. I thought it was my son crying. Sounds much the same. Lately, sleep has been fabulous… until around 5am when my Percocet wears off. Glad you’re sleeping better now.


    I leave a light on for ya, Weebles!


    Alien abduction or what happens to my blog when I die – these are the things that keep me up at night. Oh, and the rapture. What if I fall asleep and THAT happens?! No, best to be vigilant. Hope you have sweet dreams soon Madame.


    HRH Madame Weebles,

    I would chance it and say I have seen every episode of “In Search of. . . “. I love that freaking show!!! Just so you know, I am up at 3:30 am (CST) M-F, so you never have to feel alone at that time. :)



      Oh Sexypants, you gladden me so. But why are you up so early? (or so late?)


        I have almost an hour commute to my job, and I’m not one of those people who can simply hop out of bed and shower and run out the door. I bike for a half hour, while reading and enjoying some iced coffee, then shower and get ready, and have a little breakfast, and am out the door by around 5:15. Bonus—I get to see the sunrise in the summer!! :)


    I fall asleep with a lamp on nearly all the time. Not because I want to, but because I can be awake for hours on end then suddenly I’m overcome with feelings of fatigue. I once fell asleep on the dog after feeling completely awake but I do sometimes lie awake at night, knowing that I’m the only awake in the house. Maybe if my family weren’t such heavy sleepers, I’d find it easier to fall asleep!


    I don’t like being the only one awake at night either. I don’t have a fear of spontaneous combustion, and switch out sharks for bears (unless I’m on a boat for some reason), and our lists are pretty much the same. I absolutely cannot have my back to an exposed (curtains not drawn/blinds not closed) window at night. I may have to try looking around the street for signs of other people being awake and see if that helps.


      I have the same problem wiht my back being exposed, DJ! Even in the daytime, though. We must have been gunslingers or mobsters in another life. if I’m at a restaurant, I have to be sitting either against the wall, or with as little space behind me as possible. Let me know if searching for signs of awakeness at night helps you!


        Thanks to the little prince’s irregular sleeping pattern recently, I’ve been so exhausted that I haven’t had any problem falling to sleep, but I will let you know if that changes and I remember to go in search of lights and movement.

        Yep, we were definitely mobsters or gunslingers of some sort previously. And we haven’t moved that far off – from gunslingers to wordslingers. All we’ve really changed is the tool of our vengeance and wrath. ;-)


    Madame Weebles,
    I too suffer from occasional mind-racing, thinking too much, self-inflicted data overload. Then I think of A-Rod and how terrible HE must have it and all my problems fall away…


      Ohhh, poor tragic A-Rod. What a hot, hot mess. He could have retired as a truly great ball player and gone to the Hall of Fame. Instead, he’s leaving the game as a completely reviled, pathetic head case. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy, right??


        I didn’t like him when he played in the west either.
        The final straw was when he laid hands on Madonna. I hope they retire his jersey to the dumpsta!


    Someone very calming to me about sitting on your balcony at 4am with no one around, kinda gives me the creeps at the same time, but I would enjoy that. Puffing on a cigarette, just looking out…obviously it’s a pain if you want to sleep. Who needs sleep anyway, sounds like your waking nightmares whipped whatever you could dream about!


    You are still delightfully strange and I will cherish that part of you forever.
    Me xoxox

    whiteladyinthehood August 5, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Oh, being up at 4 am in the morning and NOT being able to shut your mind off becomes mentally exhausting as well as physically. (Glad you are sleeping better now!) and I’m with Kayjai – I would have left a light on for you, too.


      Gracias, Chica B! Yes, it’s exhausting, and it’s amazing how much minutiae the brain can dredge up at 4am. Did I really need to remember RIGHT THEN that I need to do a bleach wash? Really??


    Since I started to avoid eating Chili for dinner, I have also avoided spontaneously combusting. And I sleep much better.


    I can relate to far too much of this… racing thoughts are a regular for me; night owl but sleepy all day; night issues… what a wicked web. I’ve miss you Madame; welcome back to sleep and the blog world.


    I usually don’t have a problem getting to sleep, but if something wakes me up at the wrong part of the sleep cycle, I may not get back into it. And then my mind is all over the map like yours, from scary things to remembering ridiculous trivia from my childhood. What was worse—and thank heaven it hasn’t really happened since moving to Maryland—was the sleep paralysis I would get once every few months. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!


      I’ve had sleep paralysis maybe twice, and it scared the crap out of me. I WOULD, however, still wish it on my worst enemy. And don’t you hate that, when you wake up and then can’t fall asleep again? That happens to me too, whether it’s because a cat decided to visit me, or my bladder decided it was time for a trip to the bathroom, or I just wake up for no particular reason. Crazy brains are CRAZY, JM.


    Insomnia sucks! I have suffered from time to time and it’s usually the why isn’t X,Y, Z happening for me. Although I do have a ridiculous fear of being swallowed by a sink hole


    I have the what if I’m the only one awake panic, too. I just can’t handle the pressure of being the only one to keep watch from whatever evil is just about to befall us all. I’m not observant! I’m horrible in a crisis! I don’t know how to speak alien! Who could have possibly thought it was a good idea to leave me in charge?!

    Luckily, all of this panic usually exhausts me and I pass out on the job, yet again proving that I was highly unfit for the post.


      See, YOU understand. It’s a lot of pressure! Yet it doesn’t exhaust me enough to sleep. I just end up being cranky and nauseated from being so tired. So if the aliens come, I’m going to be a terrible representative of Planet Earth, and then we’ll have intergalactic war and it will be ALL MY FAULT.


    oh, lord – “In Search Of…” haven’t thought about that one for years. that was the stuff that fed my astronaut dreams – i wanted to prove Leonard RIGHT!

    although my rare bouts of insomnia these days are full of anger – rage at not being able to sleep when i’m so damned tired – i remember having that ‘i’m the only one awake’ anxiety. straight up fear of being the only resonsible adult watching the flock. responsibility is terrifying. er, rather – fear of letting other people down, or perhaps missing the first signs of the alien invasion that leads to the end of earth, is one of the worst feelings i can think of… glad you’re sleeping again…


      I’m so glad I’m not the only one who understands the grave ramifications of being the only one charged with preventing War of the Worlds. Meanwhile you may not have become an astronaut but you’ll always be my favorite fly girl.


    When you are awake at night I too am also awake. Technically that’s because I am at the bottom of the world, so it’s daytime here. But, I too have been unable to sleep for five days (it must be a magic number). I’ve tried sleeping pills – they make me feel ghastly and not at all sleepy. You have my deepest sympathy, and my thanks for giving me something else to worry about, spontaneous combustion not ever having crossed my mind before… sigh… XO


    We are the same person, seriously. I also worry about my insomnia being a sign that I’m going to die, and then I worry about whether I’m dressed appropriately for death, or if my house is clean enough for me to die.

    Glad you finally got some rest, my friend. Being alone in the dark does suck.


      I never worried about whether I was dressed appropriately for death, but thanks to you I now have something else to think about. My house is never clean enough for me to die. The CSU people will traipse through my house and think, “This whole place is a crime scene.”


    Being the only one awake – I love it. I can get stuff done! No interference, no phone calls, no emails. I particularly like to send emails in the wee hours – I’m getting stuff done and no one can respond! Seriously, insomnia sucks and I usually do read emails or watch a movie or do something to make my mind not thing of spontaneous combustion.


    Being the only one awake and sick – that’s when I feel totally abandoned by the world.
    At least where you live, if you DID spontaneously combust, you could get a club sandwich…on the way to the hospital.
    ps hope you’re soon slumbering sweetly.


    Oh, that sucks! There’s nothing like that mind-numbing fatigue. I’m glad you’re finally sleeping again.

    I love being the only one awake in a dark, sleeping house. It must be my feline blood – on wild, windy nights with a full moon I like to go outside and prowl alone in the darkness to watch the shadows dance. You know how cats get the big black full-moon eyes and then run around like nutcases? That’d be me. Probably not the smartest move here in the city, but my neighbourhood is pretty safe. And anybody who confronted me would probably look into my crazy-cat eyes and flee screaming. :-)

    Spontaneous combustion worried me when I was a kid, but now the only thing I fear is dying because I’ve done something stupid (see above; go figure). I just hate the thought that my eulogy would be “Well, if she hadn’t been such a moron, she’d be alive today…”


      You always make me laugh, Diane. If you go outside at night and do the cat thing, make sure you hiss at people who annoy you. That will go a long way as well. I don’t fear dying from doing something stupid, mainly because I’m a chicken shit about so many things. My epitaph will probably read, “Here lies Madame Weebles. Her cold dead corpse was found hiding under the covers.”


    Although i pay for it the next day, i always kind of look at insomnia as a tiny blessing. Very tiny, but a blessing nonetheless. It’s the only time in a 24 hour period that I can just get up, watch TV, play on the computer, do anything when I’m completely alone and everyone else is quiet. It feels like I’m getting extra time in my life. So embrace!


      If I had kids, I’m sure I’d feel this way. As it is, I have plenty of free time since The House of Weebles contains just me, Mr. Weebles, and our three cats, aka The Weeblettes. They don’t usually give me a hard time for watching television or being on the computer, unless they want attention or food. And by “they” I mean the Weeblettes, not Mr. Weebles. He can get his own food.


    I never really get the scenes in shows where the kid wakes up and heads straight for the parent’s bed. It never occurred to me that it was even an option to go wake someone else up. 8)


      It never occurred to me either. Even when I was a kid I thought that was bad manners somehow. I guess if there was an alien attack or a volcanic eruption (even though I live nowhere near a volcano), my parents would have been okay with my waking them up.


    WHHHAAT??!! you are not worried about that giant sinkhole that’s forming underneath your house right now, getting ready to swallow the entire property and all its content? That strange noise at night isn’t the undead spirit, its chunks of granite slowly chippin away below the foundation level. Oh yeah, I go to bed with my camping headlamp beside me, incase I get hit with insomnia and I need to creep around the basement


    This is a terribly boring comment, but I find that if I don’t sleep I need a lot more calcium and magnesium which the body used up all the time, and needs constant replenishing.
    It’s worth finding a really good supplement to take regularly… and if I can’t sleep, then I know I need some more, and take another… usually works

    Rohan 7 Things August 8, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Ha! Thankfully I don’t have bad insomnia, haven’t for a long time. The only time I really had it bad was in my teen years and the only thing on my mind was “I really need to sleep, otherwise I’ll be really tired tomorrow!” This of course just made it worse.

    I am still a total scaredy cat when it comes to the dark. My biggest fear is that I one day live along, hearing a noise in the night would just terrify me if I was the only one in the house! I think I’d have to get a dog if I lived alone, yeah, for sure!



      I sympathize greatly, Rohan—I never minded living alone but that’s because I always lived in big apartment buildings where there were a lot of people around all the time. Otherwise I’d need a dog too!


    Unrelated to this but if you watch this and then at the end there should be a couple of links to examples of some tattoos you could get…3D ones:
    I can’t seem to get a direct link, but the letter from anus is funny!


    Fellow insomnia sufferer here! I have given up on worrying about things when I can’t fall asleep, it just keeps me awake ;) Now I say to myself, “OK, at least you’re getting some rest by laying here reading & maybe, just maybe you’ll doze off for a very little while.”


    Ugh, I know how you feel. I was always the last one asleep at sleepovers and it was the absolute worst. That New Yorker cartoon is amazing though, I’m totally using that next insomnia session.


    Well, now I’m assured I’m not a world class worrier and sleep has never been that difficult for me. It’s my escape. But I could play the useless regret game and that X, Y, and Z, in fact the whole alphabet would have improved things game.


    I loved “In Search Of…” !! When I can’t sleep, I usually think of ghastly ways to terminate troll bloggers (yeah, you know who, Weebs) or obsess about all the sex I’m not getting. That normally does the trick, and I sleep out of depression.

    writerwendyreid August 10, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    I’ve never had a problem with being the only one awake…but I DO fear being the only one alive. I rarely have insomnia (sleeping pills and pot see to that ;-) but I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. The offer to sing to you and stroke your hair still stands. xo


    When I was 18, I had a job cleaning medical clinics during the middle of the night. I remember vividly how I felt like the loneliest guy in the world because I was working while the world slept.
    This was a great read, Miss Weebs.

    PS – you must be really spooked by “Big Trouble in Little China”! Monsters AND spontaneous human combustion!


    I love being home alone. . . except late at night. Every noise is something otherworldly with malicious intent, and if my boyfriend is out late I am haunted by all of the terrible things that could have happened to him. If he’s home and we’re watching a movie and it’s only 9 pm – I fall right asleep. Go figure!


    Mme Weebs,
    You can’t sleep like a normal person. You wouldn’t be you if you did. Besides, normal is both boring and over-rated.
    There are usually plenty of people working nights, so you’re not on your own if you’re awake. (I did three months or so on nights at one point. It was not exactly fun, and I was very glad to get back to days.)
    Faith x


    Regret…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.


    I have the same attitudes toward food preparation when I’m awake. So yeah I can sympathize. And for the whole thinking, while staring at the wall thing trying to sleep thing, I recommend having your own Magnum P.I. marathon on Hulu. Or at least that’s what I do.


    UFOs are the scariest things to me.


    The moment my wife’s head hits the pillow, she is asleep. It takes me an hour or so. However, if I wake up at 2am, my brain always finds that it is an opportune time to consider how short life is, how much time I have left on this earth, maybe think about that one dick head in high school and secretly hope his life sucks, I really need to get a new vacuum, etc.


    Hello, yup this post is genuinely nice and I have learned lot of things from it about
    blogging. thanks.

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    […] might have been a little off on yesterday’s screed.  I’ve had a better time with insomnia than some, so even in this I’m not really […]


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