You may recall my very enlightening chat with Abraham Lincoln from a few months ago.
Last week I communed with the spirit world once again in hopes of interviewing another famous dead soul. The first one to make himself known was a lovely, warm being, but not the best interview subject. I’m so sorry, Monsieur Marceau. Perhaps another time.
After bidding him adieu, I sat in silence for several minutes. Then I heard something rattle across the floor. It was the pit from a peach I had eaten earlier.
A strong breeze passed through the room even though the windows were closed. The cord from the blinds began to sway, back and forth. Back and forth. Like a…pendulum.
Waaaaaaaaaaitaminute. Pit and pendulum??
“Mr. Poe!!”
“Blast, you startled me. Now I’ve spilled my wine.”
“Sorry, I’m just so excited, it’s not every day the Master of the Macabre drops by, you know. Here, I’ll pour more wine for us.” I opened a nice cabernet—I thought he would enjoy that (don’t ask for the details on how ghosts drink, it’s very complicated and somewhat messy). We toasted and settled in for a nice chat.
MW: So how have you been? What have you been doing lately?
EAP: For the past year or so I’ve spent much of my time haunting the creators of The Raven in hopes of driving them mad. I think that would be quite fitting. Did you see that movie? It was an abomination.
MW: Yeah. It sucked mightily. I’m sorry, Mr. Poe, you deserved much, much better.
EAP: I agree. And please, call me Edgar. This wine is quite nice, by the way.
MW: Would you care for some more? I’ll top off our glasses. I’m so glad to have this time with you—you died too young. By the way, speaking of people who died too soon, Abraham Lincoln visited me too. Have you met him?
EAP: Oh yes, Abe and I drink together regularly. He’s the best wingman. That “Honest Abe” shtick of his works every time. Me, I just work the “tortured writer” angle. Chicks love that shit.
MW: So you’re both basically players. Nice.
EAP: Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
MW: Whatever you say.
EAP: You know, it’s too bad I’m not alive now, I’d be a fantastic movie or TV writer.
MW: Yes you would. Do you have any favorite TV shows?
EAP: Twilight Zone was genius, of course. Which reminds me, I’m having brunch with Rod Serling next week. I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The American Horror Story series is excellent too. I also enjoyed WKRP in Cincinnati.
MW: Excuse me?
EAP: Loni Anderson. She was a hot number.
MW: I wouldn’t have expected you of all people to like a sitcom.
EAP: Did you hear me? Loni Anderson. We need more wine, by the way, this bottle is empty.
MW: I’ll get another. So tell me, which movie version of your stories did you like best?
EAP: I liked Pit and the Pendulum with Vincent Price. But I was disappointed that Roger Corman didn’t take more liberties with the stories to give the women skimpier costumes. Vincent is in my regular poker game—he has an amazing poker face. Then there’s Hazel Court, who was in a few other Corman versions. What a great rack. I keep inviting her for a little afternoon delight, with—
MW: Yeah. I don’t want to hear details. Now—
EAP: Have you ever tried absinthe?
MW: Once or twice, yeah.
EAP: I happen to have a bottle with me. Be a lamb and pour us some. Better yet, let’s just drink from the bottle.
MW: We’ve already had a lot of wine, you know.
EAP: Exactly. Now it’s time for some real alcohol (takes a few swigs and drains half the bottle). Here, have a few belts. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was telling you about my torrid affair with Mata Hari. She might have been a spy but I discovered exactly which button to push to get her to reveal her secrets, if you know what I mean…
MW: Eww. No. You weren’t telling me about that.
EAP: No? Oh yes, you’re quite right. It was about my delicious weekend of debauchery with a buxom peasant girl from medieval France. I bent her ov—
MW: No. It wasn’t.
EAP: …that was right before I met some of Nefertiti’s beautiful Nubian handmaidens. Those maidens know how to use their hands all right. And don’t you just love that word, Nuuuuuuuubian. Come on, say it with me.
MW: I don’t want to.
EAP: And then there was the time I met up with some of the Vestal virgins from Rome. Virgin in name only, by the way. They were wild.
MW: I really don’t—
EAP: But nowhere near as wild as Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Mary. I had a threesome with them many years ago. Those Catholic girls really know how to get their freak on. You’re Catholic, right?
MW: Edgar! Give me that absinthe. You’re skeeving me out.
EAP: What a delightful word. Skeeeeeeve.
MW: This conversation makes me want to bathe.
EAP: Excellent idea! Would you like me to scrub your—
MW: Goodnight, Edgar.
EAP: You’ll invite me back soon. You’ll see.
On behalf of Edgar, Madame Weebles would like to apologize to Poe fans, Roger Corman fans, Hazel Court, Catholics, Nefertiti, Nubians, medieval French peasants, Vesta and her virgins, Mata Hari, Mary Queen of Scots, Mary Tudor, and women in general. It was the absinthe talking.
Dang … EAP sure likes the ladies! Dang … wished I could have helped with the wine.
LikeLike
You would have been an excellent wine steward, Frank. He seems to enjoy red wine quite a bit.
LikeLike
Oh … here’s a reason why your ears have been itching. http://tinyurl.com/mz2qeca
LikeLike
Great interview, Madame!
His imagination certainly hasn’t slowed up with his death, has it? By the way, if he comes back, could you get him to explain why he was dressed in someone else clothes when he died of “brain congestion?” While he’s at it, maybe he could give us an idea of what “brain congestion” actually is. I’m pretty worried about it because I’m sure I’ve got it from time to time!
Cheers!
LikeLike
I’ll be sure to ask him before we hit the absinthe, Nigel. Because once he starts on that stuff, well, you see what happens…
LikeLike
Lenore is gonna be so pissed. I bet this is the time she tells ole Edgar da Player, “Nevermore!”
WKRP, hahaha! See, this is why I don’t drink absinthe anymore. Funny stuff, Weebs!
LikeLike
I’ve only ever had absinthe in cocktails, not straight up, but it seems to be hardcore stuff, Christy! Yeah, Lenore would have reason be pissed—unless of course she’s out getting some action too…
LikeLike
That Absinthe will get ya every time, or so I’ve heard. I was surprised to see it on a cocktail menu recently. I thought it was illegal or something. Glad to hear Edgar is having a rollicking good time in the afterlife. Somehow, I’m just not surprised!
LikeLike
I thought it was still illegal myself, Cathy, until I read an article about how the ban on it was lifted in 2007. When I was in New Orleans a few years ago, I had some cocktails with absinthe–they were pretty good, from what I can remember…
LikeLike
Nuuubian…I’m going to say that all that night/day now, Weebs. It is rather fun to say. Mr. Poe wastes no time with the ladies. I can’t say I’ve ever tried the Absinthe. You got to watch him on that stuff, man. I see you have boobs as a tag. That will be fun for you! This was a delight, Weebs. It’s good to see you on your blog.
LikeLike
Nuuuuuuuuuubian. Absinthe is wild stuff, Honeybee, I’ll have to make sure to confiscate it from him if he visits again. It turns him into even more of a dirtbag.
LikeLike
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder – Edgar is a one isn’t he!
LikeLike
He’s quite the lad. And in his case, absinthe DOES make the heart grow fonder. Or, if not his heart, then another one of his organs, anyway.
LikeLike
Most certainly
LikeLike
next time do an email interview–Poe sounds a little, what is the word–I know but am not allowed to say–it will tarnish my reputation
LikeLike
Aww, c’mon, LouAnn, you can say it, it’s my blog, you have carte blanche here—I won’t tell anyone, I promise.
LikeLike
ha ha – you are one of the most popular bloggers I know–and you are telling me you won’t tell anyone–ha ha ha (am falling off my
chair
here…………………
LikeLike
Hmmph. Well, if you won’t say, then I’ll just have to guess what you would have said. Such filth!
LikeLike
That opening was filled with old school Catskill sucker punches. Pow. One after another. Poe didn’t mention anything about doing fellas, did he? I thought he became a switch hitter after the absinthe kicked in. And what’s up with the apology? Nobody apologies on the internet.
Hey, Weebs. I just did a post about a walk down Houston (How-stun) during the bad old days (c. 1993). Might bring a tear to your eye. Might not.
LikeLike
He didn’t say anything about being a switch hitter, and if the absinthe didn’t get him talking about that, then who knows. But he didn’t bring any laudanum—maybe that would have been the secret to getting him to reveal more.
LikeLike
Ha! And I expected a conversation on litterature? Silly me.
You both emptied that bottle very quickly indeed. But I’d love some absynth. I’ve never tried, but I’m curious. It turns you into a green fairy, right?
LikeLike
HA! That made me laugh, NBI. Literature. I can see why you’d expect that, though. One would ordinarily assume that a chat with a literary legend would involve literature. Absinthe hasn’t turned me into a green fairy yet but that’s what I hear: la fée verte… If you like anise-flavored things, then you may like it!
LikeLike
Wow. I loved this interview. Next time I wanna be around for the wine. Oh, yeah and whomever is the dead person you interview…that too.
LikeLike
The wine was nice, Kayjai, except Edgar drank most of it. Next time, you’ll join me and we’ll polish off a few bottles ourselves before the dead folks hog it all.
LikeLike
All it would require is a reread, since early in the chat EAP refers to The Raven as “…an abomination.” And, for the record, I wish I was “ugly” like John Cusack.
LikeLike
That’s not the same as John Cusack, but a step up from Abe Vigoda.
LikeLike
Tom Cruise?
LikeLike
I’ll say you look more like if Jim Jarmusch and Anderson Cooper had kids. Which is a nice combo, IMHO.
LikeLike
yes… boyish old salt. a tough combination, but you manage to pull it off, mark!
but i wouldn’t throw Cusack out of the house for leaving the dirty dishes in the sink!
LikeLike
John Cusack could do pretty much anything he wanted and I wouldn’t throw him out.
LikeLike
Who knew Big Pimpin’ was Poe’s personal theme song?
LikeLike
Right? He never talked about pimpin’ in any of his poetry. But come to think of it, if he were around today, he’d be great at composing rap lyrics.
LikeLike
I hope for your next interview, you’ll chat it up with Norman Fell or Vic Tayback. Please.
LikeLike
Or Abe Vigoda. Oh…wait. Is he dead yet? That’s the one nobody can seem to confirm. Ask Vic!
LikeLike
I think Abe is still kickin’ it old school.
LikeLike
Actually, he died three weeks into the filming of the first season of “Barney Miller”. It’s pure dedication to his craft that keeps him moving.
LikeLike
Abe is nothing if not a professional, through and through.
LikeLike
Wow. Those are two actors I haven’t thought of since the 70s. Nice callback. I’ll see what I can do for you, Jules.
LikeLike
I enjoyed your interview with Edgar Allen Poe. I can’t wait to see who the spirits deliver next. EAP was an interesting dude.
LikeLike
More interesting than I ever guessed, Mary. Perhaps next time the spirit world will deliver someone less pervy.
LikeLike
Eerie coincidence– I’ve just watched The Raven, and the word “abomination” was on my tongue by the end of it too. Always a treat to hear news of Vincent Price, even if the messenger is a little overtaken in drink.
LikeLike
I’ve never seen a greater waste of film than The Raven. It’s truly, madly, deeply awful. And I say this as an unabashed fan of some really shitty movies. Vincent apparently is doing quite well, according to ol’ Edgar, even if Edgar is a little peeved that Vincent always beats him at Five-Card Stud.
LikeLike
Great interview, Madame, but I don’t know if I’d trust old EAP very far. Especially if he offered to share a cask of Amontillado.
LikeLike
Hahaha, witty!
LikeLike
You have a good point there, Diane. I must remember this if he shows up again with one of those…
LikeLike
Hilarious.
LikeLike
Edgar is a lot funnier than I would have expected.
LikeLike
In Absinthe Veritas….? 😉
Poe, excuse me, Edgar, seems like my kind of guy. Maybe he’ll come haunt the kingdom one of these days. That would be a trip. Hmm, speaking of “tripping,” what did I do with my bottle of Absinthe…
LikeLike
I’ll tell Edgar to drop by, but you gotta keep your liquor stash under lock and key, Matticus. Or else, well, I don’t need to tell you what happens.
LikeLike
I share my liquor freely, that’s what it is there for.
LikeLike
Just keep him away from your missus. Don’t want him thinking you freely share her too.
LikeLike
Good point. Luckily, if he tries to get frisky I know how to get rid of ghosts.
LikeLike
You should have known better than to get Poe drunk. I’m surprised he didn’t start twerking. You dodged a bullet on that one.
LikeLike
I should have known indeed, Carrie. I think I stopped the interview just in time, twerking probably would have been next, and that’s not something one can unsee.
LikeLike
Darn, I wish I would’ve known he’d be visiting you! I just did a book review on a forthcoming novel, “Mrs. Poe.” I’d love to know what he thought and what really might’ve happened between him and Frances Osgood!
LikeLike
I just read your post, JM—I think your review was extremely fair (as in, well balanced, not as in so-so). Anachronisms in books drive me batty, I would have a hard time with any book that has them. Anyway, if I had managed to catch up on my post reading BEFORE Edgar visited, I certainly would have asked him about Fanny Osgood, I have a feeling he would have been more than happy to dish the dirt…
LikeLike
What if you threw a seance and a famous person came and you had NO idea what they were famous for? i.e. Edgar Allen Poe. I mean, i know he’s a writer and I know he’s buried near me in Baltimore (i think) but do they give you time to hit Wikipedia before they fade out in nothingness? That would be my hope – because I’d hate to waste the opportunity of a past-lifetime.
LikeLike
Oh, my dear sir, I do hope you’re not implying that Poe is someone who might not be known by someone? He’d be crushed to hear you say that. CRUSHED. Are you in B’more? I don’t think I knew that! Mr. Weebles is from B’more. Represent! You’re right, though–what if some 3rd-tier writer or artist showed up and I needed to Google them? I like to think they’d stick around long enough for me to type in their name and get some basic 411 from Wikipedia.
LikeLike
The only E.A.P. I ever read or followed was my company’s employee assistance program – which I had to use to get the bad taste of working at that same company out of my mouth.
And by “near” in Baltimore I’m just globally near – Northern Virginia.
LikeLike
Ugh. It’s a terrible thing to work at a place you hate. I’ve been there too, bro. Reading actual Poe would probably also be good for getting the bad taste out of your mouth. Accompanied by absinthe, too.
LikeLike
Ohh, my bestie. You didn’t notice the part where Edgar talks about haunting the creators of the movie? And what’s this about once-good John Cusack? His choice of movies may be abysmal but he’s still groovy. Then again, I’m somewhat biased because I’ve had the hots for him for 25 years. I’d be happy to watch him sit and read a book.
LikeLike
You were trying to blot out all reminders of that horrific movie. It’s understandable. I’ve liked a bunch of movies John Cusack has done over the past few years, including Hot Tub Time Machine. The Raven wasn’t one of them.
LikeLike
Actually I just realized it’s more like 30 years. Man, John Cusack is old.
LikeLike
Who you calling old Weebs? That lumps me in a scary place… ok, yes, John and I are old. And it seems that many of these older folks (John Cusack, Bono, and several other, actually) have been deemed once great, by certain others… maybe this is all just ageism? Seriously! You youngER folks are just jealous of our aging greatness… says the lumped in older lady.
LikeLike
Oh, My Lady! I’m not even two full years younger than Mr. Cusack. That comment was in jest, of course; if he’s old, then so am I! I still think he’s great, he’s just made some odd movie choices. As for Bono, I think he’s a pompous twat, and U2 *was* much better many years ago, in my opinion. As for the age/greatness correlation, Geddy Lee just turned 60—he’s possibly the best bass player ever, and there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to get a crack at him. 😉
LikeLike
Now there’s a post I’d read… what you did to get a crack at Geddy Lee.
LikeLike
It would be pretty unsavory, trust me.
LikeLike
I love unsavory.
LikeLike
I always suspected that Ed was a perv. It’s probably not great that Loni Anderson was one of my earliest role models along with Dolly Parton. What did they have in common, I wonder, that made me aspire to be like them?
LikeLike
They’re both blonde.
LikeLike
Hey, Weebs! i’m kinda back! trying to catch up with people… THIS was brilliant! Reminds me that alcohol is good for you! off to get my drink on…
LikeLike
Enjoy, girl! And don’t do anything Edgar wouldn’t do.
LikeLike
Poe and Price playing poker is perfect p-alliterative phantasy.
LikeLike
Pervy Poe plays poker with Price but prefers peeping at pulchritudinous people.
LikeLike
perfectly played…
LikeLike
Dang, you’re funny. WKRP? Really?
LikeLike
Loni Anderson, Lucas!
LikeLike
Lonnie Anderson, you had me at Lonnie. I’d be afraid to see how that turned out… another aging thing.
LikeLike
Something tells me she’s been well preserved…
LikeLike
Or parts of her…
LikeLike
Exactly.
LikeLike
Indeed.
LikeLike
That’s the one P word I forgot. Peen.
LikeLike
Love this!!! And yes, I do believe Poe would love American Horror Story. That’s some good sh*t.
LikeLike
Isn’t it? I can’t wait for the new season to start. It really is some seriously good shit. Poe would have done it justice. He also probably would have wanted to bang Jessica Lange.
LikeLike
Of course he would. I bet an amazing poem would have resulted from that experience.
LikeLike
I think you were just inviting Edgar so you could blame your absinthe consumption on someone else.
(Excellent plan, by the way!)
LikeLike
You saw right through my ruse, Guap. You’re a clever one.
LikeLike
Good to hear from Poe once again, Weebles. Time travelling was his forte.
LikeLike
That’s why his stories feel so eerie, Kate—he traveled to Spain, Italy, France at various times, all to get background material for his writing. Such dedication to his craft.
LikeLike
The strange circumstances of his death, commemoration at his grave all those years; I am sure he was onto something, What if the grave visitor was him?
LikeLike
You just blew my mind. I hadn’t considered that it might actually be HIM leaving that bottle of cognac.
LikeLike
I thought you conducted yourself very well weebly woo; and didn’t hold back on the absinthe; never tried it and I don’t think I’d like the flavour…I would of course try it…we have the magic mushrooms starting to make their appearance here soon…a haunted hotel and psilocybin; what spirits would that evoke?!
LikeLike
Wait wait wait wait wait….you have a HAUNTED HOTEL? You never mentioned that it was HAUNTED. I’m going to require a lot more details here. As for absinthe, if you’re not a fan of ouzo or Sambuca or other anise/licorice flavored things, you wouldn’t enjoy it. I think it’s quite nice, personally.
LikeLike
Vincent Price perfect for all EAP genre.
LikeLike
He truly was. Bless him, Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing.
LikeLike
This is hilarious. EAP was one of the greats. Vincent Price was a genius. My dad “corrupted” me onto horror films from a very young age! Great interview!
LikeLike
Your dad was very wise to indoctrinate you so young!
LikeLike
Who knew? Edgar has mad game! Well, maybe not. You didn’t seem nearly as impressed as he seemed to be hoping you’d be. Quoth the raven, ‘Denied, dude’!
LikeLike
Edgar put in a hell of an effort, but quite frankly, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to the other broads he’s been with.
LikeLike
Edgar Allen Poe and Loni Anderson? If Larry King could find multiple wives, I suppose anything is possible.
LikeLike
Edgar obviously has some serious game, so I wouldn’t put it past him. I mean, he won over Mata Hari, so I think Loni would be putty in his hands.
LikeLike
I love Edgar Allen Poe and anytime he wants to have a drink with me, he just has to come a-knockin’. Funny post Weebly. xo
LikeLike
I will direct him to you, Mistress. Something tells me you’d be his dream come true. 😉
LikeLike
I would have loved to hear a pitch he is working on for a television sit-com: Murder And Hilarity In The Rue Morgue starring Loni Anderson.
LikeLike