The genius of the late Steve Jobs knows no bounds. Not even death.
Bereft and rudderless after the departure of their beloved leader from this mortal coil, Apple hired a group of psychics to channel messages from their founder. They recruited some of America’s finest mediums, sparing no expense to visit New Age communities, storefront psychic parlors, and carnivals across the country in order to identify the very best of the best.
Almost immediately upon her arrival at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, Lady Zuba, a crystal ball reader selected for this elite task force, picked up vibrations from an otherworldly source. She began to sketch furiously, frantically trying to keep up with the visions she received. Another member of the panel, Miss Lucretia, a clairaudient, started hearing the voice of Jobs and transcribed all that she heard. The following is an excerpt from that session:
“I am proud to announce the next generation in interment technology: the iTombs Burial System. The timeless, sleek lines of the iCoffin and the compact design of the iUrn are like nothing the world has ever seen before. Perfect for those who want something truly cutting-edge for their eternal rest. The iTombs Burial System also features the iTombs app, which allows loved ones to text messages to the deceased and send virtual flowers for special occasions (special data rates may apply). The iCoffin and iUrn will be equipped with special 5G technology capable of receiving signals through up to 8 feet of burial ground and mausoleum walls 6 inches thick. iTombs will finally bring death into the 21st century.”
An eerie hush fell over the room as representatives from Apple’s senior management listened to Miss Lucretia’s message. Shortly afterwards, Lady Zuba unveiled her drawings. There was a collective gasp from the crowd.
Lisa Garcia, one of Apple’s corporate officers, shook her head and marveled at the ongoing brilliance of her departed friend and mentor. “He’s done it again. That magnificent bastard,” she said wistfully, wiping away a tear.
The iCoffin and iUrn can be customized to any specification, for bodies of all shapes and sizes. Both products will come in black, white, and titanium, and will be available for purchase from Apple retailers and funeral parlors.
The release of the iTombs Burial System has sparked a veritable frenzy, as hundreds of thousands of Apple aficionados across the United States are already standing in line to purchase the first iCoffins and iUrns, which are due to hit the showrooms next week. iPads and iPhones are out in full force as the crowds gleefully tweet, blog, email, and text about their excitement while listening to their iPods. Some die-hard users are even using their iPhones to call friends to talk in real time.
Enthusiasm for the new iTombs products is raging across age groups young and old. Dorothy Baker, an 83-year-old from Tulsa, Oklahoma, is ecstatic about the new line of coffins. “My husband thinks a pine box is fine, but I want to make sure I can keep up with what my grandkids are doing.” Todd Marc Phyffer, a 20-year-old street musician from Portland, Oregon, texted, “I may die tomorrow, brah, who knows. If I have an iUrn, people can still ping me.”
Funeral directors also hail iTombs as a major step foward for their industry—as well as their social lives. Larry Tinsworthy, a mortician in Oak Park, Illinois, eagerly anticipates the surge in business. “Everyone will want an iCoffin. Maybe now I’ll get laid.”
The iTombs Burial System will go on sale nationwide next week, with worldwide sales beginning the following week. iTombs2 is already in development.
Let’s hope we’re on iTombs 783 before I kick it.
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Amen, lady!
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With second sight like that, Lady Zuba must be using an iBall.
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Ahahahahahahaha sybaritica, nice one!!
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ah hahahah Pretty funny!
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Thanks Nancy!! 🙂
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This is brilliant and hilarious — could that be possible?! I’m carried completely through this piece without laboring — the words work so well and each sentence is entertaining and the idea is fresh. .
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Wow. That’s an extremely humbling review, Sandee—thank you very much!!
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This is why I am now, and forever will be, a P.C.
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High five, Brother Jon. Me too.
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With you on that, Brother Jon!
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Good commentary as these people flock to buy this stuff even if they have no clue what they are used for. I am starting the iDon’tneedit Society.
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I’m always amazed at the number of people lined up outside the Apple Store waiting for the release of some new version of something. It’s insane.
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iPlot?
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Dammit, why didn’t I think of that? Good one, Fred.
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Yes.
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You’re too much, Weebles, you really are.
iThink this is clever and hilarious–and iDon’t give away accolades like that every day.
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Thank you very much, Robin! iAppreciate it!
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Brilliant! You and Mr. Jobs.
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Thanks Adrienne! 🙂
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I can’t wait to see what kind of App comes out of this line of products.
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You know they’ll be to die for, Margie…
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But don’t you have to be able to access Apple’s Cloud to get this to work?
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Ahahahahaha, excellent point!
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Nice work. You and Mike is Happy, Relatively should start an afterlife blog.
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I’ll check in with him to see what we can do about that. It’s a niche that needs filling.
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I think you need to register these names real quick – itombs is gonna be a big seller!
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You’re right, I better—I don’t want Jobs getting his grubby undead mitts on them first.
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while your at it you might as well grab the name ijobs as well…that’ll show him you have his number!
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Good point—may as well take everything beginning with the letter “i” just to be safe…
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Too awesome, Madame! One hopes that Mr. Jobs will find peace in the sleep of iTernity.
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He’s either resting peacefully or he’s annoying St. Peter by saying the Pearly Gates should have touchscreens.
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ihavenothingtoaddtotihsmasterpiece!
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thankyousomuchparalaxvu!
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Hahahaha! Lol! This is way too funny! Steve Jobs has nothing on you, Mad Weebs. I think you’re a genius.
Btw, I read this in my car and had one of those goofy looks plastered on my face the whole time – much to the delight of the passersby. haha!
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Oh, I wish I could have seen that, Grippy! 😀
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absolutely genius!
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Thanks!
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The creepiest thing about this is it could actually be true one day. Very brilliant of you to come up with the concept. I saw a show last year where a guy wanted to make a small device that doctors could implant in peoples’ heads right behind their eyes so we wouldn’t have to worry about those blasted cell phones. You just click a little button discreetly behind your ear, underneath your skin — convenient huh? Great post, MW. :).
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Thank you so much, Brigitte—there’s a lot of weird technologies being developed these days, doesn’t surprise me that some of them are sort of creepy…
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(I meant implant behind the ears….). :).
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Ok, that’s a little less creepy than behind the eyes but not by much! 😉
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I believe MS is working on the cheaper PineBox, CardboardBox, and NoBox. The latter solution involves simply slinging whatever’s left of the unfortunate in a hole. Of course, if your virus software isn’t up to date, you be destined for DLL hell.
Cheers!
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Nigel for the win!
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Where do I buy it? iSpooky Store?
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Either there or iTombs R Us, I think.
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Nice review. I’m waiting for iTombs2 so I can bother others about whether I want it or not.
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EXACTLY, La La. That’s what the first version of any Apple product is for–so everyone can bother the die-hards who buy it and see if the thing actually works.
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Damn girl, you funny.
I’ll wait for the knockoff from Canal Street. I’ll be dead, so all the extra lead and melamine won’t bother me.
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Good point. And it will look just as good as the real deal. You’re so sensible, honey.
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I liked this so much that I read it out loud to Peter – the email version. Then I thought…can’t wait to see the comments! I was not disappointed! You definitely have a knack for stimulating lively conversation. Have you ever considered starting a salon (not the hairstyling kind)? Oh yes, and I especially like the little buttons on the iCoffin and iUrn. Your attention to detail is immaculate! 🙂 – Cathy
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Bless you, Cathy! This is a profound compliment. Maybe I’ll start a Weebles Salon. That would be fun. 🙂 Good idea!
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MW, you are iNSANE.
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I know. But a girl’s gotta have a hobby.
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gonna be a lot of oxygen tanks and motorized scooters camping outside the apple store.
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Probably. But you know they’ll all have their grandkids with them to show them how the iTombs app works.
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I think I’ll wait for the newer model to come out. I hear that one has an inch more space and will only cost $200 more dollars.
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You know it, Mooselicker. That’s how Apple rolls.
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MW,
This is fucking hysterical. Sign me up. Except I want to be cremated. Do you know when Apple will release version 1.0 of the i-Urn? I’m so in.
xoxo
GG
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Stacie, I think they’ll probably be coming out with the newer version in the fall so you may as well wait until then—they’ll have ironed out all the kinks with the original iUrn by then… I want to be cremated too, we can totally sync up our iUrns together and be eternal BFFs!
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Yay! And travel the space-time continuum, and find our Light Family, and moonwalk, and all that stuff.
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Awesome. It’s a date!
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iSnort. especially because i’ve seen Todd Mark on the streets of Portland. He wears really skinny jeans and has ironic facial hair. (that’s “hair” – singular).
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That’s EXACTLY how I picture him, daisyfae!! I’m so glad you got that.
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oh, and he’s really whiney. complained to me that his mom still uses OxyClean on his shirts and it makes them smell weird. i told him to get a job, do his own laundry, and tweeze the damn chin hair…
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God, what a little bitch. Fucking buskers.
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(and by “little bitch” I was referring to him, of course, not you)
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I wonder if Steve Jobs had anything to do with Apple’s decision to cut ties with Google…it could be a bad one
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He may be rotting in hell already, for all we know.
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lol. I’m guessing you are not much of an Apple fan…hahaha
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So… when the wheel-thingy locks-up (like it sometimes does on my iPod) does the iOwner get stuck in i-Limbo?!
🙂
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Well done!!
Of course, as you know, the first of any Apple product is usually riddled with glitches. So they’ll have to address that for iTombs2.
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Very entertaining post.
The willingness to embrace the rantings of a small medium, in a large way (sorry, I couldn’t resist), seems uttterly ridiculous to me. Now, I do believe in the afterlife, but I for one would be _pissed_ if someone DARED interupt my eternal bliss with an email or a txt msg, and I would do my best to haunt them in return.
As for her method of alleged “communication,” I have to say, “iDoubt It.”
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I’m glad I got to read this post. You know, before Apple sues the pants off of you and steals your idea.
I myself am going to go with the Urndroid model when it’s available.
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I’m with you, Guap. The Urndroid will undoubtedly have more options and will prove to be the better buy over time.
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I hear that iTomb Air will be only four-inches thin. Truly a comfort unlike any other!
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