For last year’s 4th of July, I wrote Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address as it might have been done by Dr. Seuss. This year, I’ve created a new poem à la Seuss—the Declaration of Independence, modeled on that great American classic, Green Eggs and Ham:
We don’t like you, no sirree
We do not like your tyranny
Colonists are people too
We want our rights, you bet we do
To life and liberty, gracious, yes!
Pursuit of basic happiness!
And so we have to break our bond
With all our friends across the pond
Could we, should we, tell you why?
Before we say our last goodbye?
You taxed our tea, you taxed our crumpets
You even taxed our ploofs and flumpets!
We do not want to quarter troops
We do not like your army groups
We’re subject to your silly laws
And thrown in jail with no real cause
Why have you ignored our plea?
We simply want to be more free!
Would you, could you, let us be?
We ask you nicely, you don’t care
It isn’t right, it isn’t fair!
So with this fancy declaration
We’re separate now, a whole new nation
We’re free now from your tyranny
See you later, King George Three!
And given my recent chat with Abe, I decided an encore performance of last year’s post was in order:
‘Twas eighty and seven years past, so they say
That our founders created the US of A
With all of us equal! The Wuggles! The Fuzzins!
And even our naughty Confederate cousins!
Now there’s a war and it’s bad and it’s sad
But a time will soon come when we’ll all be quite glad
That our nation still stands and our country’s still here
And we’ll all drink a toast with a mug of Sneetch beer
These bravest of soldiers did not die for naught
We need a do-over to do what we ought
So let’s have no more of this Civil War folly
And remember our government’s purpose, by golly
Of people! By people! For people! Yes!
Right now this country’s one heckuva mess
I want for this country a sort of rebirth
So all these nice freedoms don’t perish from Earth.
Seuss! In my collegiate speech class, our prompt was to write a speech about who we would nominate as a world leader. Not only did I nominate Seuss, I wrote the speech entirely in rhyme. Another woohoo! for Seuss!
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Welcome, Laura Beth! You better have gotten an A+++ for that speech. Massive woohoos for Seuss!
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‘I want for this country a sort of rebirth, so all these nice freedoms don’t perish from Earth.’
This is the kind of prayer I can sing. Everyday. Amen.
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Amen indeed, sister. So glad you dropped by!
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I’m a bit worried about whether I’m welcome around these parts today…I’ll at least have the decency to hide my crumpets anyway. Awesome Dr Seuss work there Madame !
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Nonsense, Vanessa, you are always welcome here. Besides, we’re all friends now, bring your crumpets and have a seat!
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That was like fireworks, but I just got up.
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You read this before coffee? God bless, sir.
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You’re a regular Emily Dickenstoned. Can you do one for Egypt? They just threw a squatter out of the presidential palace. How timely!
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I could do something for Egypt, but do you know how hard it is to find something that rhymes with Morsi or ElBaradei?
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Horsey and parody – the latter works on two whole levels I reckon.
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Next time I do any rhyming poems, I’m calling you.
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It would be an honour; although of course when you need me, I shall be of no use whatsoever!
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May I submit something I did a long time ago…
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I just read it and commented. It’s glorious.
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If I was into trademarking……
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You would trademark “Glorious”?
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I would trademark “Madam Weebles”!
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That was going to be my second guess.
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You know, he never did trademark that one. You should definitely take it.
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Already done it…in fact I trademarked each individual letter some time back now!
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…with an ‘e’ on the end of ‘Madam’ obviously…
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Weebs, these were great!!!
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Thanks, Chica B! Happy 4th to you!
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You’re practically a poetic genius! I say practically because my fave ‘f’ word remained absent. Dr. Seuss could have used it several times in his little books. “Is that a duck, who gives a fuck,we are about to suck, and we’ve run amuck”…Ahh…so many rhymes, so little time. Nicely done, Weebs. AND, Happy 4th! Have a great day!
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You may have a second career there as a poet yourself, Kayjai. It really is a shame Dr. Seuss never did a naughty book, with curse words and maybe pop-up pictures. Fuck.
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You are a marvelous poet, Madame Weebles! Happy 4th!
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Thank you Mary! Happy 4th to you as well!
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A noble sentiment!
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It is, isn’t it? Happy 4th to you, sir—no hard feelings on the whole independence thing.
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I am cool with it,,,,,,,,
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This was, Green Eggcellent & Ham!!! Happy 4th! 🙂
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Thank you ma’am, for the Green Eggcellent & Ham!
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Have I told you lately that you are brilliant? Well, you are. Happy 4th, Madame.
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Aw, thanks, Honie! Happy 4th to you too, my friend!
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I second her brilliance.
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All in favor, aye. Aye! Motion carries.
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Okay, I’m just jealous I’m not this clever. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in hot dogs.
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Have a bunch for me too, because I wasn’t clever enough to buy hot dogs for today. So I’m jealous of you as well.
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I ended up having a brat that burned my tongue. ‘merica.
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‘Murica!
This is amazing, MWs.
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America Fuck Yeah!
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Not only a Queen of the Give-a-Finger Tour of NYC, a poetic historian as well.
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😀 Happy 4th to you, Frank!
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wow that’s awesome! love them both 🙂 creative and fun but keeping to the spirit of both; just lovely
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Thanks Stormy!
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You are amazing. I cannot even think of a snarky thing to say. This is far cleverer than I.
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I’m sure you could think of something snarky, Elyse, I have faith in your cleverness.
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Someday you’ll make a million dollars off these and you’ll owe it all to me.
I want larger government just to get more of these.
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I’ll give you a cut of the profits since these wouldn’t exist without you. There’s still plenty of other historical documents left to Seussify, so we’re good for a while longer.
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Love it!
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I’m very glad you did!
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Happy America Freedom Day! This is a very fitting way to celebrate. So much so that I think you should get a job rewriting all the amendments. Here, I rewrote the fourth one for you:
I do not like these guns at all, a lot of grinches come to call.
Guns are here, guns are there, guns are every, every where!
Guns are bad, so bad they say, they hurt a person every day.
Guns are not for Cindy Lou hoo, guns are just not meant for me or you.
Guns were only meant for dweezles, to protect us from the weasels.
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BRILLIANT! Because of this brilliant verse, I’m making you an Honorary American. It’s meant to be a compliment but I’ll understand if you don’t take it as one. Most people don’t.
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I am so excited I just drank two liters.. I mean…what you … we Americans call a “small” coke.
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That’s definitely a small Coke. That’s okay, you just need to build up your stamina.
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They taxed our ploofs and flumpets!?! No wonder we declared our independence.
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They could have lived with paying extra for ploofs. But once they taxed the flumpets, the gloves came off.
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It’s wonderful to see the crazy child of my nation become such a power and I tip my hat to you Madame Weebles! A poet and nearly a doctor too! What if you were meant to be the next Dr Seuss? Your poems should definitely be broadcast from sea to shining sea to inspire all Americans. From across the pond, happy birthday America!
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Careful, Bennie, my ego might get gigantic if you keep saying nice things like this. On behalf of your crazy cousins across the pond, Thank You, Bennie!
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Awesome. Now I’m wondering what you’re doing for next year!
Have a good 4th 🙂
Cheers!
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So many possibilities, Nigel…I haven’t even gotten to the Constitution yet! Happy 4th to you as well—is it a strange thing to celebrate Independence Day, having come from England?
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Beautiful.
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You’re cute, at best. If you wear your hair right, you’re passable as attractive. Beautiful, though? I dunno.
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Let’s not get carried away here, Clown. Beautiful? You’re cute, but you’re no Geddy Lee.
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So I guess I won’t compliment you again. Oh well. Your loss!
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I curtsy in gratitude, Lord Calahan.
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Awww.
Now that you’ve curtsied, let’s square dance!
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🙂 🙂 HAPPY 4TH of JULY 🙂 🙂
And what a treat you have given us
my dear Madame Weebles 🙂 😉 Now
for dessert I would like some cakes,
maybe the odd toasted marshmallow
and some chocolates, oh yes I am
getting really into this celebration now
and even though I am an Englishman
I am sure that I will be welcomed at
your table for treats and more 🙂
Have fun today and tonight 😉
Andro xxxx
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You are always more than welcome at the table, Andro. Join us!
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I would love to join in
with your celebrations 🙂 Mmmm
Have a delicious Friday 🙂
Andro xxxx
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America, fuck yeah!
Awesome job, Weebs, happy Fourth!
C-
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Why thank you, my Georgia Peach! (I’m not dissing you, btw, I know I haven’t replied to your lovely email but I will!)
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Not worried at all, Beautiful, no response even needed. I was just all rambly and shyt that day 🙂 Enjoy your holiday weekend, we’ll catch up soon. xo
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Brilliant stuff. Didn’t know you were such a great poet! Here’s a scientific haiku for you.
Weebles rocks the Seuss.
The Seuss rocks America.
‘Merica loves Weebs.
You’re lucky I didn’t spring for the limerick. May not have been as family-friendly.
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You can be as un-family friendly as you want her, buddy. This isn’t a family-friendly sort of blog. No fuckin’ way. And thank you for the excellent haiku!
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Awesome and wonderful! Happy 4th of July! Did I ever tell you how much Seuss is adored in our house? I may have to publish your poems in this household!
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Thanks Cranky! Dr. Seuss was so freaking talented and clever. He never published any 4th of July stuff, which is a shame, but I like to think he’d appreciate my homages. 🙂
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Happy Fourth, Madame W.
I always enjoy modern takes on the classics!
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I’m very happy you liked it, Tom! Happy Independence Day!
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Most excellent Madame Weebles! Most excellent indeed!
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Most kind, C.K.! Most kind indeed!
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Ingenious, Weebles. I love green eggs and ham (Weebs-I-Am). Happy fourth.
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Thanks, Kate! I had fun writing them!
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This is really awesome 🙂 Terrific idea.
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Thank you very much! 😀
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Madame Weebs and Doctor Seuss
Combined them with creative juice
Our independence day to see
Filled with fun and liberty!
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LOVE IT, Cathy!! Love it. Is there anything you can’t do??
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Fabulous!
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Thank you kindly!
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I love your Seuss-ifications.
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I included you in one of my tags, did you see?
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I did, and then my brain melted or something and I forgot to mention it in my comment. Gah!! Can you Seussify Leviticus? ‘Cause I think that’d be wicked.
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Leviticus! Good choice. I will work on this.
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Yay!
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We do not like this taxes thing,
We’re leaving now; so up yours, King!
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Ohhh SNAP! Good one!!!
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Yours was awesome. Ever consider a history of the U.S written entirely in rhyme?
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Hmm. I had not considered this. Good thing our history isn’t that long, it’s probably doable. If we were the UK or something, that could be a much loftier goal.
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Thanks Rants! Yeah. Hotspur. Some people are classy, like you, and then there’s him…
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I’ve got my Schadenfreude Tuesday Trousers on…although I understand if you don’t want to point me towards the hotspur bashing…
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To be honest, I don’t even remember exactly where the snotty comments reside—it was at least 6-8 months ago, otherwise I’d point you to them. Let’s just say that my comrades and I prevailed. 😉
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Please ignore my other request then, I thought I’d included it with some other comment…how many did I make? I suspect he may have deleted the offending articles…
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Utterly brilliant… on a boring note, I once interviewed Dr Seuss and can say without any fear of contradiction that he was utterly handsome, utterly charming, incredibly elegant and thoroughly decent!!! ( and rich and clever too)
Gorgeous in fact…O envied his wife…
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You fascinate me, Valerie. Each thing I learn about you makes me that much more fond of you. Suffice it to say that what you say here is HARDLY a boring note. You MET Dr. Seuss!! How many people can say they interviewed Dr. Seuss?? Did you have a hard time not gawking and fawning over him?
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What a lovely reply !
No, his wife ( charming too) was in attendance, so it was strictly business !!!!
But it seems to me that you could make a fortune out of writing books like his – if he could –
you could !!!!!
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Yes, having his wife in attendance would certainly put the kibosh on fawning, wouldn’t it… And thank you for the vote of confidence…I suppose I should think about writing books, shouldn’t I!
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Definitely YES
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I began grinning at the very first line. This just tickles me! Thank you Madame Weebles.
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Why thank you, Mr. Oliver! And please send Leo my regards, that little fucker.
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*laughing* I will but I’m keeping him away from my keyboard!
Just to make amends and because you inspired me, I’m mentioning you in my blog on July 6. Hope that is okay.
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Awesome, Suess himself would be proud of your skills, and your gibberish was particularly good! Where can I get a cup of Sneech beer?
Rohan.
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Seuss even…
Rohan.
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Suess, Seuss, Potato, Potahto, same thing.
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I’ll draw a pint of Sneech for you anytime, Rohan!
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You’re like the Weird Al of history. Fuckin’ love it.
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I don’t think I’ve ever been compared to Weird Al before. Although if my hair were as short as his, and if I didn’t wax my upper lip, we would look like brothers.
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If that was how the Declaration was really written, I bet a lot more people would know it by heart.
Happy (belated) Independence Day, Weebs!
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Back atcha, Guap! It’s like how they set the Preamble to the Constitution to music on Schoolhouse Rock. We all know it because of the song!
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Wait – does that mean I can’t say I know it because I’m a high brow student of America?
Crap!
*puts away crushed velvet smoking jacket and crystal scotch decanter*
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Hey, man, if you can recite the Preamble because you know it from high-brow reading, more power to you. Me, I’m singing the song.
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Lady, you are a force with words. Beware of turds.
This was most enjoyable.
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I like your little rhyme too, Tasty!
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THIS. This was the best ever. I just read it out loud to my beloved and he agrees.
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I’m so happy you and Your Beloved liked it, Lyssa!
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That was absolutely fantastic. I can’t even comprehend how one is that funny, witty and rhymey. Are you even human?
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Well, it’s about 95 degrees here today and I’m sweating like a beast. So I guess I’m human. Or beast, anyway. But thank you, ma’am!
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Great verse. What jumps out at me are these lines:
“Why have you ignored our plea?
We simply want to be more free!
Would you, could you, let us be?”
What would you say is the compulsion to ignore your pleas? Does that really have anything to do with your freedom as you believe?
Shakti
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Thanks for your visit, Shakti—this is actually based on the American Declaration of Independence, so the content parallels the content in the declaration. See the link at the top of the post if you’d like to see the original!
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Ahhhhhhhhh, bless you, JM, for this Magnificent comment.
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Better late than never! Well said, Weebly. 🙂 xo
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Never late for you, Mistress.
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Stop that Weebly. You’re making me wet.
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😉
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“You taxed our crumpets”—This would have been the last draw for me.
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No kidding, sister–I would have been rioting in the streets over that. What are we supposed to use as a butter delivery system without crumpets?? Those bastards.
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I think fifty shades of shite would be very funny Seussified…although please don’t take this comment as confirmation that I have read aforementioned shite.
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I haven’t read aforementioned shite either. It’s beneath us. And you get a gold star for being the only one to have mentioned that tag.
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I think that funny tags are sometimes the little reward one gets for being arsed to read everything. I shall put my golden star on my new blog.
As an aside, I made a comment in response to your response to Brain Rants and his mention of hotspur…did you get that? Because it didn’t seem to show up on the thread…
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I just found two replies of yours that were in my Spam folder, and I rescued them. I’m going to have words with those WP people–how dare they assume Mr. Seed is spam! And yes, please do enjoy your shiny new gold star. You earned it fair and square.
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HRH Madame Weebles,
I applaud thee,
Brought laughter out of me.
FBG – aka SexyPants 😉
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Nice verse, SexyPants!
Care to dance?
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Only if it’s disco music! 😉
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*putting on the Donna Summer right now*
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Yeah!!! And Bee Gees, don’t forget them!!
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Seuss is one of my favorite philosophers. If school kids had this version to memorize, they’d LOVE history! Now can you explain long division like Shel Silverstein?
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Oh, man, I don’t know if I can do Shel Silverstein. His style is beyond my abilities, I think!
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This is so clever and hilarious! Way to Seuss it up for Fourth!
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Thanks, Susie! Happy belated Fourth to you! 😀
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You Americans are really odd people. I think we Canadians should invade. I would make the Clown fella the captain of my armies, but I’m afraid he will need a bigger nose.
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I will not surrender to a Canadian army unless it’s headed up by General Geddy Lee.
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Weebles. You have bought much credibility with your mention of our local hero Geddy Lee. Long live Rush!
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I will ask him exactly that. I have some vague recollection of this conversation – I seem to remember that one of you is against G.Lee and crew. Hard to imagine. Greatest band in Canadian music history! Only the Arcade Fire comes close.
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Given the mess of the UK at the moment, it’s probably a good thing you declared independence! Otherwise we’d be in a much bigger hole than we already are…
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Fun fun. I wonder if people in the UK still want to come here? We were smart to run away and start our own country. 🙂
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I suspect a lot of folks in the UK are glad we left, but whatevs. We had Dr. Seuss and they didn’t!
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lol
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